I (30m) have two kids (12f, 11m) with my ex and we share 50-50 custody and parenting time. Our breakup was acrimonious and we still hate each other. But we do try to keep that from our kids by being civil when they’re around and the rest of the time we hardly ever speak or acknowledge each other. All communication outside of face to face is done via an app.
She has four additional children. She has an 9 year old son with someone else. And she has a 6 year old daughter, 4 year old daughter and a 2 year old son with her husband.
I have never purchased anything for my children’s half siblings, nor have they ever asked to buy stuff for them with me or asked me to buy them anything. I have never spent time with their half siblings either. We do custody exchanges at a third party location and they go from one car to the other with minimal to no interaction between their mom and myself.
My ex’s parents have kept in touch with me over the years. Back when my ex’s 8 year old was born her parents hinted that I should take him on as my own son because of the situation with his biological father. I ignored it and after a few months they dropped the subject altogether. They have overshared things about my ex’s household and I had to tell them it wasn’t something I needed to hear unless it involved my children. But I know her husband doesn’t accept or provide for the 8 year old thanks to them. And this is an argument now being used.
I provide a lot of what my kids need and want. When it comes to school supplies and clothes I do it more frequently than their mom because the quality between what she can buy and what I can is different. Most of the school supplies are left in school so it’s not a big concern of mine that she’ll just take them for her other kids. But she did ask me about a year ago to buy more for ours and let her distribute them among her school aged kids. I told her I was her ex for a reason and it was on her and her husband to provide for their kids like I was providing for our kids.
My contact with her parents greatly reduced in the last few months because they decided to campaign for me to provide things for their other grandchildren. More specifically the 8 year old but they feel like as the father of those kids’ half siblings I should be willing and eager to make sure they have what they need. They argued that it would give my kids good values too because right now they do not care that they have more and better than their half siblings. Ex’s parents were very concerned about this and even asked my kids if they’d ask me to get stuff they could share and they told them no. I asked them why the hell they were involving my kids like that and they said the kids should be doing it themselves. That they were shocked my kids didn’t advocate for their younger half siblings at all and they told me they only look out for each other, not the others, and I have shown them that. And that I show them to do that every time they experience having more or better than their half siblings.
They argued with me that a good father would want his kids to take care of their family even if their kids’ family wasn’t identical to their own. I talked to my kids about their grandparents and they only spoke to them about this and requested it twice. Nothing else on the topic since but the only contact ex’s parents and I now have is when we are supporting the kids at the same activities.
The last time I saw them was at the end of May and they were letting me know they were disappointed and believed I wasn’t as good of a father as they believed. And they said I am letting innocent kids suffer because of my ex’s actions in our breakup and not teaching my kids better.
I find this whole thing frustrating because I have two kids and I provide for my two kids. I didn’t have more than I could provide for and we live a comfortable life. I don’t feel like it should be on me to be responsible for any other kids my ex has but I know her 8 year old is the loser most of all in this. So I’m here asking if taking this stance makes me TA?
Comments
NTA.Your ex is crazy .She has to take responsibility for her own actions.
NTA
NTA, you’re not responsible for her life choices except when it involves your children.
NTA at all. It’s completly crazy to expect this from you. Tell them that if you are a “bad” dad for taking care of your children what is their opinion about their daughter who has 3 baby daddy and 5 kids letting her last husband being cold to the 8 year old ?
Tell them she needs to ask the person who bang her it’s not your problem you need to save money for YOUR children.
NTA. You are not responsible for kids that aren’t yours, no matter how they are related to your own. It’s great that you provide well for your children. The other kids are their mom and stepdad’s responsibility.
Tell your ex via app. If her parents keep showing more concern for her other kids and are willing to steal your kids resources you will need to have the custody arrangements looked at by the courts.
NTA, just respond with ‘they aren’t my family, if they need support from family, you do it as their grandparents’. Never changing the wording or inflection, just robotic repetition regardless of the comments they make.
Sounds like the grandparents will have to find a way to step up, seeing as they’re so keen for the other four to have the same as your two.
Also, who marries a man who rejects their existing children. Your ex sounds like she cares more about herself than her kid with no dad.
Why don’t the grandparents provide for the 8 year old?
NTA, it isn’t your problem or fault their daughter decided to marry a man who only want to provide for kids he created himself, that’s on their daughter for marrying a POS who apparently didn’t realize when you marry someone with children they become your problem too. YOU have absolutely no reason to provide for kids that isn’t yours or you married into. Maybe they should be grateful instead that you’re such a good father to YOUR kids that you take some of the load off from their daughter not having to provide for 3 kids that her husband doesn’t care about
Tell your ex’s parents if they are so concerned THEY can provide for the other kids. Your ex should have stopped spitting out kids when she had as many as she could afford to support. And it’s her own problem if her current husband refuses to support the 8 year old, he knew the kid existed when he met her, and she knew he was not going to support him when she married him. This is all on her and her crappy decision making.
I think you need to go for full custody of your kids, and then no one will have to worry about the disparity between the siblings.
Also, tell the ex inlaws that if they do not immediately cease involving your kids in this, you will take whatever legal action is necessary. You can bet that they are trash talking YOU to your own kids, and that can be actionable under something called “parental alienation.”
One of the first things I taught my kids when they were old enough to understand was that “if someone tells you not to tell me something, that means it’s something that you MUST tell me.” And it worked, my kids grew up to tell me everything! They need to know that if their grandparents are doing or saying anything you need to know about, it’s not only safe to tell you, it’s imperative that they do.
That’s insane, I have children by two dads, I’d never have expected this from either of them.. wow NTA
Why aren’t the grandparents stepping up for their grandchildren instead of expecting people who are not related to do so?
And who has 3 kids with someone who rejects their child? I would also be worried about OP’s kids in that environment – they also are not this guy’s kids.
Cut them off, if they’re so concerned let them step up and make the difference.
Your ex’s parents can take part time jobs and pay for their grandchild. You are responsible for your kids, not your ex’s bad decisions. NTA
You might want to check your local laws on child support, particularly when it involves children that are not biologically yours. Let’s say you start of by buying the kid school supplies, they (your ex or her parents) will push the boundary further and get you to take the kid when your kids are with you. Before you know it, your ex will plea before the courts that you have “assumed responsibility” for her third child and attempt to get child support off you.
>Back when my ex’s 8 year old was born her parents hinted that I should take him on as my own son because of the situation with his biological father.
NTA – they should refocus their attention on the 8 year old’s biological father and get him to provide child support. They can get court ordered child support, have his wages garnished, etc.
I find her current husband most disgusting . . . the 8 year old lives with them full time, I’m assuming, and should be taken care of. He got into a relationship with a woman who had three previous children. If he doesn’t want anything to do with the 8 year old, then that’s on him and your ex (she’s allowing her husband to treat the 8 year old this way).
NTA. But the poor 8 year old.
NTA~
NTA the grandparents should step up for the kids if they are so worried, you are taking care of your kids you are not responsible for the others.
Id tell the grandparents that they themselves should step up and take care of their Family since they feel it’s lacking. But it’s not your responsibility. Id then tell them that they stop this discussion with my children or I’ll have a lawyer file a cease and disist letter to them and hold them accountable if they ever bring it up again. 🤷♀️ you’re NTA. Your ex however is a loose goose and obviously doesn’t know how to keep her legs closed or use protection
This is a situation where the grandparents/aunts/uncles should step up not the ex spouse. They are wrong. This is not your responsibility.
Not that your wrong
But I was in almost your same situation
I just and went ahead and did it, they are just kids, and it’s just money
Clothing wasn’t something I could afford
NTA
Tell them maybe as the children’s grandparents they should be stepping up
Or maybe their daughter who chose to have 6 children should be stepping up to provide for them.
Maybe she shouldn’t have had kids in the first place with someone who treated the child she already had like shit.
At the end of the day her poor choices are not your problem.
Yes it’s sad for the child whose father didn’t step up but that is on his mother and father and the step father that should have taken him on when he decided to be with a single mom.
I am always amazed with these scenarios. Your ex had 5 kids and someone actually started a relationship with her and then proceeded to have another one?? Yikes
Geesh she didnt even have these kids when you were together, you’ve never had a relationship with them, you are not their provider.
NTA.
Hell no. It isn’t on you. If grandparents feel that strongly why don’t they just buy the stuff? Your ex can go after the dad of that child. Your ex obviously had a bunch of kids that she cannot support and that is her choice and her problem. You provide for yours and that’s where your responsibility ends. The father of those kids has family and other relatives she can ask them. You keep doing what you are doing and tell grandparents to stop trying to manipulate your kids.
You need to get this officially hashed out in family court, pareferably with the grandparents in the courtroom if possible. They are causing more harm than good here and your kids are suffering for it. You are not responsible for anyone’s children but your own in this situation, but your ex and her husband are making the situation volitile for ALL the kids.
It may be necessary to get child protective services involved as the husband’s treatment of the 8yo could be considered abuse. While HE may not be the father, the child is in his house and therefore he has certain obligations. If he doesnt want them, he can pursue having the child removed from his physical care- which of course would be an ugly mess all around.
In the meantime, would you consider petitioning for full custody of your own kids to remove them from the situation? There’s very little you can do for the 8yo without stepping up, which upu are jot in any way required to do as the child is jot yous, bot do they look be with you. That is not the case for the stepfather whose home the child lives in, but you have minimal power iver that.
All you can do is decide what would be best for YOUR kids and them fight for it. The way I see it, unless it is completely impossible for you to step up to full-time parent, asking for full custody may be your best option to protect everyone.
It’s an absurd ask. And it doesn’t sound like a pleasant home to be living in. I don’t know if this would be an option but if you had primary custody it might be better for everyone.
Why can’t the grandparents step up for the kid born out of wedlock if they are so concerned.
Updateme
Your two children are your responsibility. The other three are your ex wife’s responsibility. If her parents feel so strongly that the other three are suffering they can help.
NTA. I would just go no contact with them
It’s not your job to provide for children that are not yours. Grandparents don’t seem like a neutral third party when it comes to pick ups/drop offs anymore. I would document everything and speak with your lawyer. If their household is financially strained then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the custody set up and get more time with your children. That would definitely help them financially if they have less children to take care of. I would also speak with your children and ask them how they feel. Maybe get them into therapy to process all this better if necessary. You are NOT the AH OP.
NTA. They very much made the problem that the 8 year old is not supported or accepted by ex’s husband. You are only responsible for your children. If they are so concerned with the disparity THEY CAN PAY.
NTA. And ex’s husband has some responsibility here for his wife’s kid, you have none.
Start documenting all of this, it’s harmful for the kids.
If she can’t manage with all the kids she decided to have, maybe you should have more custody of the two you share. Sounds like it might be healthier for them anyway.
Your ex is making bad life choices, and as a divorcee myself it pains me to say that the choices include you. But that doesn’t mean you have to cover the kids of her other bad choices and behaviour, only the children you are directly responsible for.
With her parents being the way they are indicates the truth that they are really the poor parents the way they raised her, and not you and the way you are raising your children.
If they were really concerned that all the children were being taken care of equally, they should be stepping up and doing what needs to be done to balance the situation, not telling you to do it.
So I’d say NTA.
Certainly NTA. Ludicrous to even consider it.
NTA, while I feel for the kid it should be his actual step-father who steps up for him in this scenario not his mother’s ex-husband who hasn’t been in a parent role to him. More then anything his mother sucks for marrying a man who would neglect her child.
take all the texts to the courts, it shows your wife is unable to provide for her kids, go for full custody, but talk to your kids first ngl they sound SUPER uncomfortable going to moms and having granparents asking them to ask you such an inappropriate question. If they are fine with you having full custody petition the courts uf not full custody go for majority. They are putting it in writting kids arent being provided for, itll be hard sell and yours are but ONLY because of you so any texy of ex asking you for things i.e. school stuff and saying to distribute it and grandparents ect dont just be annoyed take action she sounds like a piece of work and I bet they arent treated well
NTA!! They try to guilt trip you. Their daughter’s bad decisions are NOT your concern. Did you tell her to get pregnant by him? Your ex’s parents can help him, if they are really that concerned.
NTA. You are providing for your children. Your ex is responsible for all her other children especially the 8 yr old. If the ex’s parents are so concerned, they should be providing extra to the 8 yr old. You’re correct, it sucks for the 8 yr old. Your ex should be looking into family members who could help.
If they are so concerned why aren’t they covering the costs?
NTA
NTA. They are trying to take advantage of you, and using guilt as a weapon. You are not responsible for someone else’s children. Ever. The fact that they even have you doubting it is shocking. It sounds like they have really tried to guilt and manipulate you.
If the grandparents are so worried about their own grandchildren, then they can step up to the plate and help out. Just because you may have more money than them does not make this your problem. They are not your children.
Your ex got into a situation to have 4 other children with people who can’t provide, and none of those parents want to step up and do the work to appropriately care for them. That is not your problem. They are grown adults and should’ve considered what they were capable of when they were family planning. Since they didn’t, now they have to learn the hard way and struggle through it.
You divorced this person for a reason so that you didn’t have to continue to do life with them or clean up their messes.
It sounds like the grandparents don’t respect you and just want to take advantage of you, which is not OK. It may be time to go no contact with the grandparents and tell them to arrange visits to the children through your ex.
You take care of your kids, and you can’t let other people who are fixated on money tell you your worth as a parent. You are not the one who created this situation where some of the children in the house have better resources than the other others. Your ex created that, so if there is a problem that needs fixing, they can be the one to figure it out.
I always think on behalf of the kids. My brother’s ex-wfie was a nightmare and our family was relieved when they got divorced. She remarried and had another son, and we all treated him no different than my nephew. We included him in family outings and celebrations, bought birthday and Christmas presents, etc.. Now my nephew is in his twenties and told me recently that he was so impressed and happy about how we treated his brother. He realizes how awful his mother is and appreciated that we did not exclude his brother for it. You are certainly not the asshole and are not responsible for their financial wellbeing, but it goes along way acknowledging they exist and are that they are siblings.
This is too motherfucking long.
NTA you’re NOT the father
Can you get custody? It doesnt sound like a great environment for your kids.
I’m curious, does her husband treat your kids bad too or just the 8yo?
Her parents should be pressuring her husband since he’s the one who signed up to be a stepfather. Also, their daughter is a bad mom since she let’s her husband mistreat her kid.
Since they’re having problems supporting all her kids,perhaps your kids should live with you full time to ease their burden. Truth be told, your kids would probably be happy to escape the chaos.
NTA
“I am so glad you are volunteering to take care of your grandkids like you should since they are more your responsibility than mine. I will let you know when I purchase anything for my kids that is above and beyond what their mom can. She will love knowing you will always match my contributions. I will send you a list for the past few months tommorrow. Have a wonderful day.”
So the grandparents tried to manipulate your children to make you feel guilty for not providing for kids that are not your own. Do I have this right? The kid’s dads or grandparents should step up if your ex can not provide for her kids. Definitely NTA
Maybe the grandparents should take custody of the 8 yr old so they can provide what they think he needs. In reality this would probably be better for the child’s mental health in the long run. Of course he’d feel bad because mom ditched him but it’s better than being in a household where you know you’re not cared for
NTA
Tell them they’re not the grandparents you thought they were because they obviously haven’t stepped up to bridge the gap for THEIR other grandchildren.
Not your circus not your monkeys
They should be thr ones helping not you , I would block them on everything , as they have no right to guilt you . Just block them
Don’t say anything to them just go NC
NTA.
Ask them why they, as the kid’s grandparents, who are ACTUALLY related to the kid, are being so selfish as to not step up for the kid and are being so entitled to think that someone who has nos blood or emotional connections to the kid should step up when they are not…
Nta so if you went and have 4 additional kids with another woman would you expect your ex to foot the bill?
Also, it’s insane that her current husband isn’t taking on that 8 year old as his own. Hes a step parent and he should be the one stepping up. Sorry but her parents are just upset their own shitty parenting raise a person who is irresponsible with bringing children into this world that she can’t take care of. Maybe look at the custody situation if your children are being pressured at your exs place.
NTA. Why aren’t your ex in-laws providing for their grandchildren? Wouldn’t it make more sense if they gave their daughter money to take care of her kids? Why involved you at all? Next time they put pressure, turn it back on them. Why aren’t they making sure their kid has everything she needs?
NTA. Tell the grandparents to provide for the half siblings. Simple as that!
NTA. I feel bad for the 8yo but that’s not my responsibility. If you buy stuff for 8yo,soon they’ll be wanting stuff for the rest too.
Nta to repeat a phrase I learned in reddit recently: they must shop at Costco because they buy their audacity in bulk.
NTA – shouldn’t they be having this conversation with their daughter and her husband? If anything they are the most responsible for the 8yr old sibling.
Tell them if they continue to speak like this, you will report their daughter and her husband for child abuse, because that’s what they are implying! Bet they would shut up pretty quick!
NTA. If the grandparents are so concerned about the other children being provided for, let them open their wallets. I do feel bad for the 8yo though, all of this squabbling over who needs to provide for him will affect him. Too bad his parents seem to be deadbeats.
NTAH. If your kids are healthy, you are doing the best for and with them, do NOT let anyone else shame/manipulate you into doing what they are supposed to do.
NTA. The grandparents are welcome to buy them things. That’s what grandparents are for.
A quick way to shut this down would be to tell them that if your ex is struggling that hard you’ll go ahead and help out by petitioning the court for full custody. (Casually mentioning that in most places that means your ex will be responsible for child support.) let them know you’ll be keeping any future communications to send to your lawyer. Let your ex know as well. That should shut them up pretty quick.
NTA
Stop all communication with these your ex’s parents. If they approach you, warn them to back off and walk away yourself. There is no benefit to being in touch with them at all.
They raised a daughter who is incapable of providing for all of her children, and rather than accept the situation and do what they can to support all of their grandchildren, they are dumping the responsibility onto you, who is completely unconnected to four of those children.
If you ever get the impression that the situation in their family is abusive to any of the children, you should contact CPS and the police, but apart from that, focus on your children. If your ex is struggling this much, the most you can offer is to take full custody of your children so she can split her resources on the other four after child support. That’s the extent of what you could or should do.
NTA: you aren’t their father therefore you don’t provide for them.
NTA.
And if they think the resources in the house are insufficient THEY CAN FILL THE GAP.
These other four kids aren’t your kids. They are their grandkids. They should be somewhat glad they don’t have to step up for six kids, just four.
They should have a word with their daughter… about the men she chooses, and how many children she can support, and then help her get supports in place so the kids are adequately supported.
Of course… this assumes you pay all reasonable and responsible child support, and are providing food, rent, electricity, medical and education supports at the right amount, and this extra stuff is just icing on the cake. Grandma can ice the cake for the other kids.
NTA. Suggest you cut off any discussions about the other kids as soon as they start. They are not your responsibility and that doesn’t change just because your ex handles it poorly. Your only concern is your own kids.
NTA I do feel very sorry for the 8yo, though. Absolutely not your responsibility in any way and it is very commendable you also find compassion for him.
NTA.
But
If you wind up providing for the other kids, can you send me money to provide for mine as well? ;P