Hello. I, 20 female, have a younger brother, 12 male, he was born when I was 8yo. Now, I don’t hate him nor resent him for anything, I’ve done almost ten years of therapy to work on not hating him.
Though, as the age signals, I’m on the ‘young adult’ phase and he’s starting to be a teenager. The problem at hand is that our parents want us both to share a room, sleeping in beds that are almost placed side by side.
My problem with that is a certain habit only boys have, he’s starting to find fun with his body (the 18+ thing) and I catched him doing that on my bed once. I cannot sleep next to him knowing that he feels fine with doing that on my bed.
It’s normal and natural? Yes. Like my period. But I don’t go around showing openly my period blood like he does with…THAT. Am I the asshole?
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Backup of the post’s body: Hello. I, 20 female, have a younger brother, 12 male, he was born when I was 8yo. Now, I don’t hate him nor resent him for anything, I’ve done almost ten years of therapy to work on not hating him.
Though, as the age signals, I’m on the ‘young adult’ phase and he’s starting to be a teenager. The problem at hand is that our parents want us both to share a room, sleeping in beds that are almost placed side by side.
My problem with that is a certain habit only boys have, he’s starting to find fun with his body (the 18+ thing) and I catched him doing that on my bed once. I cannot sleep next to him knowing that he feels fine with doing that on my bed.
It’s normal and natural? Yes. Like my period. But I don’t go around showing off my period on a flag like he does with…THAT. Am I the asshole?
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He puts his wank on a flag? Waves it around? Gross….
Why exactly are your parents pushing for yall to share a bed ?
Maybe parents need a talk about privacy and respecting space? And Totally normal to feel weird about that. Like, private space is a thing for a reason. Boundaries matter.
Hard no from me. You’re 20. You’re a grown woman. No adult should be forced to share a bedroom with a tween going through puberty, especially one who disrespects your space like that. Your parents are way out of line.
What do you need to do to move out?
You’re an adult and need to have an adult conversation with your parents about this. Because this IS normal for a kid his age . . . and you should not be sharing a room.
So move out
NTA, but is there even another bedroom available? If all of you live in a two bedroom home, the only option is for you to move out.
I can see this from on both sides. You asked him to check on your family occasionally while you were away at school in time in his head he built meaningful connections. For example me and my ex dont talk but he still calls to wish my mom a happy birthday and check on her. At first it bothered me but then i realized she was important to him too. You cant expect him to stop doing something hes used to doing now that your back. From your pov i get it you feel you have only been together for a short time and his comments and behavior is weird. Where i disagree with you is being upset he wanted to buy her favorite flower if he’s been visiting for some time and she’s important to you he may be just trying to build close bonds with your family. Anytime my bf sees my mom he brings her a gift. Honestly he sounds like such a good boyfriend and really sweet. I like to see the best in people but i also know sometimes people have ulterior motives.
Your parents have a serious issue. Why don’t you have your own rooms? This is not normal.
As for your brother learning about his body and what it can do is fine but like you said, you shouldn’t have to witness brothers ‘discoveries’.
Where are you located? In the US most municipalities do not allow boys and girls to share a room over the age of like 12 because of this.
If in the US in my state if they are over the age of 9 boys sleep in their own room and so do the girls otherwise DHR will involved. Not a good thing.
Absolutely not.
Is the loungeroom big enough for you to put a tent in there ? !!
Direct and encourage him to do that in the bathroom…
You need to have a conversation with your parents and brother – there has to be sound ground rules when you share a room. Like self pleasure only for the bathroom.
If you mum is happy about self pleasure, maybe leave a dildo /vibrator out so you mum and you little brother can see. After all it’s all about getting to know you post right.
Ohhellno. Absolutely nothing appropriate about a young woman sharing a bedroom with her pubescent brother. You both need privacy.
WTF is wrong with your parents. Where did lil bro’s bedroom disappear to? Time to move away from crazy.
This sounds like your mother ulterior motives is to motivate you to move out of the house. If you can’t afford to move, then move the beds as far as possible from each other and put up a room divider.
You’re not wrong in wanting your space. What he’s doing is normal but you need privacy. If another room or you moving isn’t an option move the beds to different corners and put a screen between them.
I think you’re old enough to move out.
Start sleeping on the couch. And when your asked why. Give them a graphic reason,show them your freakin bed. And NO you should NOT be sleeping in the same room
NTA and he’s old enough to learn and respect boundaries. Does the house not have another bedroom? If it does as a young woman you should have your space, if it doesn’t maybe it’s time to consider looking for a place of your own. I know that’s not always feasible. If not boundaries need to be set and respected
I just have a couple questions:
Why did you start therapy to not hate your little brother? Since it took ten years to get there, that means you started when he was two years old max. What was going on that caused you to be so resentful of a baby/toddler…and lasted for ten years? Did your parents push him on you or treat you badly once he was born? They cared enough to put you in therapy…what was happening?
Obviously you and your brother should be sharing a room if he is “exploring his body” three feet away from you – or worse, on your bed. You need to start sleeping somewhere else…is there a couch or a basement? ANYTHING other than the current arrangement?
Does he sleep in the same bed? If so this is a problem. You’re an adult and that is disgusting to have to be present for. He needs his own bed. She needs to get you seperate beds at least. At 20 you could look into getting a job and renting a room somewhere. I know times are really hard, but that is a possibility. I would begin trying to plan for that. In the meantime maybe you could get a seperate bed? Even sturdy bunk beds??
Embarrass him privately and suggest he doesn’t in the bathroom.
You may want to reach out to CPS about that. An adult child sharing a room with a pre-teen of the opposite gender no less is usually frowned upon
See what they have to say about the situation at hand
Sharing a room with your brother at this point is super inappropriate.
But is this real? A 20 year old said she “catched” her brother pleasing himself.
You’re not a young adult, youre an adult. Get your own place or deal with it.
Maybe it’s time to get your own place.
NTA and WTF! Nope nope nope!
Why have you needed therapy for 10 years to not hate your brother? Where have you each been living for the last 10 years if this issue is just now coming up?
You’re an adult and your brother is still a child. Going to college anytime soon?
Is there an extra bedroom or basement that you can live in?
Rearrange your bedroom and put a long sheet to keep some privacy between yourself and brother. If your parents say something tell them that you’re an adult and it’s high time you get your own bedroom.
What happened that your situation is so desperate you have to share a bed room with pubescent child of the opposite sex?
NTA, nobody would want to share a room.
However, as finances are an issue for your parents – it might be they can’t afford a larger space because they’re paying for your tuition. If you want your own space you may have to move out, start working and go to college part-time.
If you stay – you’re 20. An adult. Speak up to your brother: tell him to stay off your bed. Tell him you don’t want to hear him masturbating, and to do it elsewhere.
Do you have any friends or family who are willing to take you in?
Why all of a sudden? Where was your brother sleeping before?
Yup. You are an adult. Time to act like one and get your own place.
NTA not female of any age should be sharing a room with a 12 year old boy. But I think more than just that is going own you say you been in therapy because you hate him. Dear if I had to share a room with a new born or a 8 years younger brother I would hate him too. Your parents could have saved money from the cost of a therapist and built a bedroom for the baby.
That is gross. Grown adults should not be forced to share a bedroom with a child.
Massively inappropriate. If this was a foster situation CPS would not allow this arrangement. Explain again that you don’t want to wake to see your little brother jerking it, again (emphasize the again part!). But it seems they are trying to push you out. Can you move out and go LC?
Some countries this is not a legal practice
NTA
That is a really odd age to expect people to share a room. I would speak up again.
You’re an adult. Move out.
INFO; is there no other place in the house either one of you could sleep?
In Canada it is actually illegal for siblings of opposing genders to share a room after the age of like 5…. It’s strange for a 12 year old boy and his 19 year old sister to share a room. You are an adult woman and he is a pre-teen boy, this is something that shouldn’t have to happen except under extreme circumstances where no other options are available.
Bunk beds, at a minimum. Since your parents can’t see the issue, recruiting other family to make your case is probably the best move.
NTA. Not sure where you live OP but some states in the US it’s actually illegal to room opposite sex siblings together past a certain age.
Either your parents are warped or they are trying to get you to move out by putting you in an untenable position and you’re just not taking the hint. There is no way this is normal and your parents are sick.
You’re NTA, but do you have a solution to offer? Of course you should ask your dad to have the talk with him (you say “parentS” so I’m assuming dad is around). If they’ve already had the talk, it might need to be a more specific talk about privacy, respect, and boundaries. And if they won’t talk to him (which they should, that’s their job as a parent, not yours) and you don’t want to have the conversation with him, it might be time for you to move out and get your own place. There’s not much else you can do.
I had to share a hotel room for a month or so while my parents found a house, because we’d moved from another state, due to dad’s job. My oldest brother would grope my boobs in the middle of the night.
I’m not saying every boy is like this, but ever since, I’ve always thought boys and girls should have separate rooms.
Time to start tossing used tampons on his bed I guess.
You know when I first read you don’t hate him I thought it was a joke and you followed up with a comment of spending years in therapy to deal with it. Why should you need therapy for that? But getting to your main question. You’re an adult. You should have your own room. It’s not normal for opposite sex siblings to share a room especially at both of your ages.
That is not legal in some places. Check your area.
Definitely a normal thing for your brother, but absolutely should be done in private. Reinforce that he’s free to explore his body and that masturbation is normal, but he should not do it when anyone else is there, like you. And to not touch himself in school (I work at a special ed school and it’s a big problem with some boys).
And tell him to never ever do it in your bed, but he’s free to do it in your parent’s bed because mom thinks it’s okay.
Also, NO. It’s NOT okay for a girl or young woman to share a room with a boy.
You need to choose your parents get a bigger house or they pay your tuition. It doesn’t sound like they have the resources to do both.
Can you divide the room with bookshelves or a room divider? That way you will both have your own space.
I think some communities have laws with set ages after which male and females siblings cannot share a bedroom. I imagine the reasons for having the rule are similar to the reasons OP objects to doing this.
Decorum is an option. My family had 7 people and a dog in a two bedroom, one bathroom house. I am sure normal activities ensued yet nobody exposed others to it. If your brother lives in a dorm during college, he cannot expose his roommate to this. It is a strange that little brother has missed learning this norm. If his Dad won’t step in and educate him, I am not sure I have a solution for OP, unfortunately
Edit:
I just saw OP’s comment, saying her brother has developmental delays.
This certainly complicates her situation.
Getting to some questions:
-Why I did ten years of therapy to not hate him? He was born disabled and became a mama’s boy. All those years, I felt like he had put my mom against me by existing. Now I’m fine with him on the most part.
-Why do I still live with my parents? They pay my college tuition, and I go to community college. I dont have a job yet.
-Where am I living now? With my grandma, for health reasons on her part. She can’t live alone and I’m staying with her now. (I’ve been with her for almost a year now)
-Why did this come up so suddenly, and where did I sleep before? We shared a room all his life, and I was okay with it because he was just a young boy at that time. It became an issue now that he’s exploring his body and getting curious on that (especially since I catched him doing it).
you both need your privacy- and separate bed rooms!
How could any parent think that it is acceptable for siblings of the opposite sex and who are both old enough to have the hormones rushing around, to share a room, where the possibility exists of seeing each other in sexually intimate moments, or even just plain nudity while dressing?
If moving out is.not an option financially.maybe sleep over at.a.friends house from now.on.
Get 2 jobs if needed, I was paying my own bills and rent by 15 and going to school. Move out, it’s doable, but you gotta get moving to get it done. Once you have your own place you will feel free.
You are an adult. A young one. But one all the same. Sharing a room with a young boy can feel stifling. I definitely understand. Why do they want you to share a room now? He was born when you were 8. Where has he been since? You definitely need your own space. It seems like they are prentafying you. And you dont need that. Definitely stand up for yourself.
No, you’re not. I think it’s generally inappropriate (certainly uncomfortable) for the two of you to be sharing a bedroom, but I get that sometimes people just don’t have more rooms and you have to do what you have to do.
You’re an adult – be resourceful, and if you can’t move out, then figure out a way to create some privacy. You can hang a sheet but I realize that doeant block much… you can buy heavier curtains that are actually made to be room dividers cheap on Amazon and those even look nice! Is the room big enough that you could put maybe a kindof narrow cheap shelf unit or two in between the beds like a makeshift wall? Hell, prop up some pieces of plywood and have fun each painting your side of it!! Seriously you can either sulk or you can make the best of it.
I have no idea why you have had these hateful feelings towards your younger brother, but again, get over it. Maybe involve him in brainstorming how to better “divide” the room. He’s old enough to help you think of and even build something!
If you aren’t comfortable hinting to him that he needs to “explore his body” a little more quietly or when he is alone, ask your parents to do that. Absolutely no one should shame him for doing that at his age, but he probably does not realize you are hearing him or he’d be quite embarrassed. He’ll have plenty of years ahead with roommates and he might as well learn now what people can see and hear when youre hoping they can’t!!
Move out.