I 26F am married to my husband 30M. He has a sister with a 2-year-old daughter and another baby on the way. His family is genuinely kind and welcoming, and I appreciate that. However, after our most recent visit, I realized I don’t really enjoy spending extended time with them because every conversation seems to revolve around the toddler.
For three days straight, nearly everything—from meals to activities—was centered on the baby. It wasn’t just occasional mentions; it was constant. I felt like there was no real opportunity to connect with my in-laws on a deeper level or get to know them outside of their roles as grandparents. I only fear this is going to get worse as there is a new baby on the way.
To be clear, it’s not that I want the attention on me—I just wish we could have more balanced conversations or do something that isn’t entirely child-focused. I mean, my husband and I drove 8 hours one way to spend time with them, just to fuss over a baby for 3 days straight. My husband noticed it too and actually agreed when I told him how frustrating it felt. He said he understood why I’d feel hesitant about spending more time with them under those circumstances.
Does this make me unreasonable?
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Backup of the post’s body: I 26F am married to my husband 30M. He has a sister with a 2-year-old daughter and another baby on the way. His family is genuinely kind and welcoming, and I appreciate that. However, after our most recent visit, I realized I don’t really enjoy spending extended time with them because every conversation seems to revolve around the toddler.
For three days straight, nearly everything—from meals to activities—was centered on the baby. It wasn’t just occasional mentions; it was constant. I felt like there was no real opportunity to connect with my in-laws on a deeper level or get to know them outside of their roles as grandparents. I only fear this is going to get worse as there is a new baby on the way.
To be clear, it’s not that I want the attention on me—I just wish we could have more balanced conversations or do something that isn’t entirely child-focused. I mean, my husband and I drove 8 hours one way to spend time with them, just to fuss over a baby for 3 days straight. My husband noticed it too and actually agreed when I told him how frustrating it felt. He said he understood why I’d feel hesitant about spending more time with them under those circumstances.
Does this make me unreasonable?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Not the AH! I have also had grandkids but never has an obsession with them kept me from communicating with other adults. To me this would be so boring and sad for your husband who really needs his parents to at least converse with him. Could it be they’re going to force you into motherhood?
Updateme!
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Welcome to Adult Hood…. if they are warm and welcoming to you and your biggest complaint is the doting on their first grandchild, you need to suck it up…..you dont need to “connect” they sound like good people. While you are there you and the hubby do your own thing, I doubt they will notice and life will go on in harmony…
Invite the two of them to visit you and your husband. Plan lots of things to do that will give you opportunities to discuss and do other things.
Oh my. You’re jealous of the attention a toddler is receiving? This is what you have to ‘complain’ about in your life? You won’t visit folks who don’t give you enough attention? Adulting is proving difficult for you.
No one is being unreasonable. If this is their first grandkid it’s normal for them to be obsessed (any grandkids that follow won’t be quite as life-taking-overy). It’s also normal for others to be a bit annoyed that they’re so single minded.
As a doting grandmother… I’m sure they mean no harm. I’m also sorry it feels hard to connect. It’s a good note for me to be careful not to do the same. I have a son and wonderful DIL who don’t have kids. Maybe invite them to spend time with you & plan things to do with them. My DIL and I like to do puzzles, bake, go for walks. If there is something you usually like to do together invite her to do that. I appreciate that you care for your in-laws and want to connect.
NAH
There’s nothing wrong with being doting grandparents and getting wrapped up in their new role as grandparents. Who are going to be extra excited and focused on grandchildren because they are expecting grandbaby #2.
There’s also nothing wrong with not being a doting aunt and uncle who don’t really care over much about their new roles as aunt and uncle. Although you never referred to “the child” as a niece, nephew, or nibling, that’s what they are. If you and hubby are on the same page and you don’t want to be involved with the kids or have to listen to his parents talk about them all the time, then reducing contact with them is a perfectly reasonable course of action.
But, ngl, it sounds like you and hubby are feeling a little jealous and excluded/left out because of all of the baby talk.
Was the baby there during your visit? I wasn’t clear on that point from your post.
unreasonable ? no!
good luck.
I had a friend i’d call , couldn’t get a word in …. she’d fill my head with irrelevant stuff about her kid then says she is busy and hanfg up. one day I was invited and it was just about the kid even when he was busy, or anything I said… then the bf came home and she told him play by play everything he did in a way that was insane to me: he touched his head and he said this and that , he opened the door to show me this ….
please why did you invite me? (especially I hadn’t seen her in years)
NTA but not sure it’s going to get better for a long while!
You could bring them a gift but make it something to do with the grandkids. Apologize as you had it over. “I wasn’t sure what else to get for you but I know your favorite hobby are those grandkids, so I thought you might enjoy this.”
But also consider that when you have kids, they will be just as obsessed with yours. 🙂
NAH. You won’t change them. Accept that their lives revolve around the babies now. It doesn’t mean you are less worthy. It means you are less entertaining. Embrace their love for the babies in small amounts. Go out and live your life minus kids. Keep in mind, though, that the babies will grow into little kids and then big kids. When babies transition to being kids, there are benefits to being the fun aunty and uncle.
Count your blessings – it beats listening to them talk about nothing but their aches and pains!
But no – you are NTA. Eight hours is entirely too long to travel just to be the audience for their monologues.
Has your husband expressed how you all feel to his parents when you all go over?
Maybe I read over that part.
If not, it would be good to have this conversation with them.
I think some people don’t have allot to talk about. I have a one year old and a one year old grandchild at home. I literally have no life outside them. If I didn’t talk about them I’d have nothing to talk about. Do they have hobbies you can bring up? Maybe at night say kids time was a blast, it’s grownup time now let’s go out to dinner and have grownup time. I like the idea of them coming to you, to get them out of their everyday setting, that would definitely give them something else to talk about. New sights and all.
My mother in law is the sweetest woman you can imagine. Not a mean bone in her body. My husband is her only child.
When we visit, we have the exact same conversation each time.
I’m not kidding. She lives in a small town, interacts with the same people and that’s just what the deal is.
I go, we get through it, and it’s fine.
Adjust your expectations.
They don’t mean any harm, it’s just what they know.
Not unreasonable.
It’s like they made being grandparents their entire personality. Some other folks in the thread pointed out their friends with young kids seem to do the same sometime. Their entire personality becomes mom (more often) or dad (less often) and they seem to forget they are also adults, with their own personalities.
On the other side of the coin – I’m a single guy without kids. Asking parents about their kids is a good way to keep conversation flowing if you run into those awkward silences. It’s a safe topic, especially if you know these people can’t really relate (anymore) to your own interests and hobbies.
I’ve had this with my own mother, once my brother had kids it’s all she ever talks about. It’s been twenty years but worse for the last ten as the youngest is her favourite. I feel invisible and She has no idea how much I hate her for it.
If that’s the case, then just tell them. Explain how you feel and that you would appreciate it if they would just hang out with you and lessen the baby talk. Not stop the baby talk, but just lessen it to make room for other small talk.
I’m sure you both love your niece very much and love to talk about them too, but other topics are fun too. But ultimately, proud grandparents will be proud grandparents. Give em some grace OP
They could also just be talking about the kid too much because that’s all they do, it’s the same with new parents especially stay at home ones because that’s all you do is spend time with young kids and not much else. For some, it’s not about wanting to talk about your kid all the time is just that is all your life consists of for a while.
My MIL used to do this, only talking about my niece and never about my boys, her grandsons. So every time she mentioned her niece , I ignored her statement and talked about my boys . It worked
You are not unreasonable. People like this (parents, grandparents) are unbearable.
This is disheartening to OP and spouse because the admiration for the grandchild spills over to the grandchild’s parents. The in laws may be spending large amounts of time with the grandchild and the parents. If they’re hands on grandparents, they are with the GC and its parents, going places, doing activities, possibly spending money on this little family by treating them to outings and other things.
OP and spouse are not nearly as attractive to spend time with because they don’t have a little one to dote on. When they do get together, it seems more of an obligation for the in laws, who just talk about GC and parents the entire time, making OP feel that is who they truly prefer to spend time with, and that they are better because they produced a grandchild.
The inlaws need to do better. If it is so bothersome to OP, time with these people should be limited. Maybe in-laws will eventually realize what they’re doing, or they won’t, but they’ve revealed what they prioritize.
They can visit you next time.
It will never get any better. That grandchild will always be the golden child – the center of their world. Ask me how I know……..we have one in our family. Everything is always all about that one child who is now a grown man and they still find a way to talk about him. No matter what the topic they will find a way to bring him up. All other grandchildren will never measure up.