I (59M) am currently married to my wife (57F) for 36 years. Last year she suffered a mild stroke that has hampered her sense of balance. This has made her depend on me for more than just the usual household help. As a result I’m maintaining a full time job, handling all household chores (cooking, cleaning, pet care), as well as helping her maintain personal hygene and health. I don’t mind, it’s what I promised during our vows.
But I’m mentally done with wiping her after a deuce.
It’s not like she’s completely unable to care for herself. She can walk with a cane. Most of her strength has recovered in this past year. She’s just unsteady because her sense of balance. She can even clean up after her powder room visits if I’m out of the house. She’s done a fine job those times, since when I return she had me check to make sure she’s clean. I’ve been open with how well she did (which feels weird because she’s not a toddler).
But if I’m in the house and she does her business, I inevitably hear her call for help.
Seriously, if I wanted to clean poop I’d have gone into nursing and earned a reasonable amoount of money for it. I barely have the stomach for it but for her I accepted the task. Because I know she’d take care of me if the roles were reversed.
Since our recent hospital stay I spoke to her PT, a few nurses, and her doctor. The general consensus is that she is capable of tending to her own bathroom needs. I even got advice on medical devices that would make the job easier for her.
EDIT: Apparently some of you are not reading everything. Try again before accusing me of neglecting my wedding vows
So now my bathroom looks like a cross between a medieval torture chamber and a medical supply aisle. And I’m still getting called in to help with her not even attempting to try to clean herself.
I’m angry that I essentially paid money for the continued honor of being the house wiper.
Would I be the A-hole if I refused to help her? I’m at my wits end.
Comments
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I (59M) am currently married to my wife (57F) for 36 years. Last year she suffered a mild stroke that has hampered her sense of balance. This has made her depend on me for more than just the usual household help. As a result I’m maintaining a full time job, handling all household chores (cooking, cleaning, pet care), as well as helping her maintain personal hygene and health. I don’t mind, it’s what I promised during our vows.
But I’m mentally done with wiping her after a deuce.
It’s not like she’s completely unable to care for herself. She can walk with a cane. Most of her strength has recovered in this past year. She’s just unsteady because her sense of balance. She can even clean up after her powder room visits if I’m out of the house. She’s done a fine job those times, since when I return she had me check to make sure she’s clean. I’ve been open with how well she did (which feels weird because she’s not a toddler).
But if I’m in the house and she does her business, I inevitably hear her call for help.
Seriously, if I wanted to clean poop I’d have gone into nursing and earned a reasonable amoount of money for it. I barely have the stomach for it but for her I accepted the task. Because I know she’d take care of me if the roles were reversed.
Since our recent hospital stay I spoke to her PT, a few nurses, and her doctor. The general consensus is that she is capable of tending to her own bathroom needs. I even got advice on medical devices that would make the job easier for her.
So now my bathroom looks like a cross between a medieval torture chamber and a medical supply aisle. And I’m still getting called in to help with her not even attempting to try to clean herself.
I’m angry that I essentially paid money for the continued honor of being the house wiper.
Would I be the A-hole if I refused to help her? I’m at my wits end.
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> I feel I might be an A-hole because I am denying care to a loved one. A good relationship means that spouses support each other especially when one might be having trouble and it feels like I’m backing out and abandoning her. But at this point it feels more like a conscious decision on her part to not tend to that part of her hygene.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: Have you actually spoken with her about this?
NTA. She’s obviously capable of doing it herself. I would be so embarrassed if my husband had to do that for me. Or anyone for that matter
NAH. get a bidet or bidet attachment.
Bidet and problem solved, $50 bucks.
NTA
NTA. If she’s capable, it’s important for her to do it herself. This benefits her as much as you. You should look into a bidet. It makes a world of difference.
Yes, YTA. Good god. Man up. I had to wipe for my late wife during her pregnancy, she had trouble reaching.
It is what you signed up for when you got married “in sickness and in health” etc.
I had hand surgery – had the bidet installed before I left for the hospital – game changer!
Men are not lonely enough
INFO, are you sure that her needing help is due to the physical impairment? A lot of stoke survivors have varying oddities of mental impairment that they can’t control even though they seem ok. She may not be able to tell if she is clean, even if she is capable of wiping.
Have you had her talk to and assessed by an occupational therapist? What you describing is really more of an occupational therapy goal.
A PT may be able to determine that some of the gross motor or coordination is intact to complete the task but the occupational therapist is the one that would actually run through the task with her and make sure she can actually do it safelyand also problem solved with her. My guess is when she’s out she cleans up after herself, but maybe it’s not in the safest way maybe her balance is off or something but she gets it done because she has to but when you’re there you’re the safer option for her. Now, that guess is just going off of what I’ve seen in patients before, so just speculating, I suppose.
If you can talk to her about it, I would and then I’d also consider having an occupational therapist come into the house. It also be helpful if you had the PT notes or reports to give to the occupational therapist so they had a really nice full picture of what was going on.
It’s definitely a tricky one. You’re NTA for being at your wits’ end. You’ve been showing up for your wife in a way that a lot of people would not, doing full-time work, household management, caregiving, and intimate personal hygiene. That’s a huge load, emotionally and physically. It’s normal to feel resentful when you’re asked to do something that the doctors say your wife is capable of doing herself. Resentment isn’t a failure of love, it’s a sign that you’re overextended.
From what you describe, this isn’t really about her ability, it sounds more about her comfort. She may feel safer if you’re involved, or she may be leaning on you out of habit now. But if doctors and PTs agree she can do it, then she needs to start reclaiming that independence. If she doesn’t, the dynamic will erode both your patience and your intimacy.
If you keep saying yes, she has no reason to change. That doesn’t make her manipulative it makes her human. But it does mean you’ll have to set boundaries. I know other redditors will comment about the vows, about how you married with full devotion of ‘in sickness and in health’ and I completely agree that a stroke is no small thing. You absolutely rose to the occasion when she was vulnerable and truly needed you. That’s living your vows. But recovery also means helping her regain independence, not cementing her in a role of dependence when she no longer needs it.
You can acknowledge her vulnerability, i.e. “I know this is hard and uncomfortable, and I want you to feel safe.” Perhaps you can suggest she tries by herself but with you on standby?
The important thing is she doesn’t feel rejected and abandoned. Nor should she get a sense of your exhaustion. I imagine she already feels a burden so finding a way to helping her regain her dignity and helping you preserve your marriage from being swallowed by resentment is the key
If the stroke was truly mild and her doctors have agreed, it seems as though she should be able to handle this solo. Have you talked to her about your aversion? Why does she continue to call you? For that matter, why is she requesting that you inspect her bottom when you get home? Is there something else at play?
Get a bidet and lots of clean towels. She’ll be nice and clean.
I’m saying NAH because it’s not clear that your wife is an asshole. Maybe she’s uncomfortable, has a mental block, some issue she can’t seem to articulate. Doesn’t make her an asshole. However if this is a hard line for you, discuss getting a home health care aide. Maybe that is what it will take to encourage her to move on.
Nta. This isn’t helping, it’s hindering. Tell her to stop yelling for help and if she does, tell her no.
I installed a bidet during the great tp shortage and each morning I feel fresh, clean, but most importantly save myself 150 bucks, on tp a year
YTA. Should have gotten a bidet installed a long time ago.
NAH. i would also not want to do this. talk to her. ask her why she wants you to do this thing the doctors have said she is able to do. be compassionate, she has had a significant medical scare. it is possible she wants reassurance.
as others have said, a bidet attachment for your toilet would be a great idea. they are usually affordable and you can install them yourself.
NTA Have a talk letting her know how you feel. Seems to be her way of making sure you love her, definitely a handicap.
New toilet seat w bidet built in it. Not expensive and hour to install.
Get a bidet! End of story!!
This isn’t remotely real because there are no 59M and 57F in this day and age who don’t know about add-on bidets, and a woman who can handle things when you’re not home isn’t gleefully asking to be wiped or checked when a bidet and a grab bar are available.
NTA. Honestly, as a nurse, I wouldn’t feel comfortable wiping my partner’s ass for them if it wasn’t medically necessary, which it isn’t. But have you spoken to your wife about why she calls out for help? Is this anxiety or fear induced, or maybe when she feel more tired? It doesn’t excuse her, but if you two can find the reason for it, maybe it will be something that can be worked on
What about installing a bidet?
There are cheap now a days and would solve the wiping problem
Another vote for bidet. My elderly mother loves hers and we love not having that duty. Check out costco for one around $350. I know you have already bought many aids but this will be one that makes a difference.
My husband had a stroke, and when he first came home, it would take him quite a long time to “finish his business”. I asked more than once if he needed help. He always said no. It seems like your wife is taking advantage of the situation.
Get a bidet
Why does her balance affect her ability to wipe? Does she stand up to do it? I wipe sitting down.
try answering her calls for help with an encouraging “you can do it, honey — just try!”
Have you done trial runs with the new equipment to be sure she knows how to use it?
Just get a bidet and you won’t have to worry about it ever again
NTA, but I have no earthly idea why you havent bought a bidet yet, a tushy spa 3.0 bidet is literally 89 dollars on sale right now and takes 15 minutes to install.
Bidet.
NTA
She can wipe her own ass and should. NTA
NTA only because even the doctors have said she can do this on her own. If she was unable to do it then whether you like it or not that’s part of the “in sickness and health”.
NTA have you spoken to her about it to find out why she still calls you when she knows she’s been able to do it herself when you’re not there? If not have the conversation with her and find out what’s worrying her about it. Just be gentle and choose your words carefully so it doesn’t come across as you feeling like she’s a burden but it’s important to find out so you can help her get back to being confident doing it herself all the time it’s another step towards her recovery.
NTA – we have the technology. Bidet and detachable shower heads. Even if you need to help on occasion, having the right tools will make it easier on everyone.
Buy a bidet seat for your toilet. It cleans and blows dry. 250$ on Amazon
You can add a bidet feature to your current toilet. NTA for being at your wits end, but Y TA for not knowing that the pay is definitely NOT reasonable for what nursing assistants have to do. They are severly underpaid and there is a shortage.
Im dealing with my wife having several strokes. I do whatever she wants. I would rather be a caregiver than a receiver. “In sickness and in health” was part of our marriage vows. Man up
Buy a bidet attachment. Show her how to use it. Clearly outline your boundaries, and communicate with her that you are the LAST OPTION on a list of many other options, primarily — wipe yourself, squirt yourself, or don’t. One booty rash later and she will get the message and decide wiping herself is better than not doing it at all.
NTA if you dont.
YTA. Above and beyond the obvious bidet solution others have suggested, just because she is CAPABLE of doing doesn’t mean it’s easy, pleasant, or even safe. You mentioned she has balance issues: maybe she’s worried she’ll fall off the shitter – which is definitely more realistic than you think – and will fall. Imagine that humiliation for her. Her asking for help when you’re home isn’t unrealistic, seeing as she does it all day when you’re not.
nta, if she can do it, she should do it. it’s weird that she would want you to, but if she ligit can’t, then you should. if you do things for her that she can do for herself, that doesn’t help her or you, or your marriage!
Had shoulder surgery, installed a bidet.
NTA. Her medical team says she’s ready to toilet independently. She can toilet independently when you’re not home. Time to set a limit via an upfront meeting. And time to get a therapist or a stroke caregiver support group for yourself – it’s not uncommon for rehab patients to need some kind but firm nudging back out of their comfort zone and I think you’re going to need support.
NTA. I (58F) had a Heart Attack a few years ago. During the hosp. stay for that, I also had a stroke. My Husband (62M) helped me till I was able to do it myself. After that he stayed in the bathroom for a while but once we knew I was going to be okay, he let me be.
Now for my unsolicited advice. Ask her why she still needs your help when you’re home. She may answer or may not, but at least this way, you both know she is capable of doing it herself.
Info have you spoken to her with a PT to try and help her feel more confident?
NTA – there are OT devices to help. And a bidet. Definitely will help.
Maybe she has learned helplessness?
Get a bidet for her, one that she can press a button that can wash and dry. She can still wipe if she wants but it should get most of it for a much cleaner wipe.
Get a bidet bro, so many chea options nowadays.
INFO: is she mentally “all there,” other than this?
There is nothing more horrifying than the idea of calling someone in to wipe my butt, and most mentally healthy people would feel that way. It’s very, very strange that your wife is happy to have you do it. Are there any signs of dementia or another neurological condition?
NTA
Buy a bidet toilet seat and this will make you both happy.
NTA. You did your best and stood by your wife when she needed you — you’re a good man (I mean you met the bare minimum of human decency but the bar is in hell, so). She doesn’t need you anymore, now she just wants to be coddled. I don’t really blame her for the desire, but it’s time for her to be an adult again. She’s only hurting herself by refusing to do things to regain her function, and refusing to enable her is now the best thing to do for her.
Get a bidet.
Buy a bidet or suck it up
If nothing else, you’re a walking cliché of why women should think long and hard before they trust the men they marry
Get a bidet.
Pay a caregiver then and I hope she divorces OP so he isn’t bothered anymore. How utterly pathetic and sad.
Amazon bidet. Got mine for 25dollars
Can she qualify for home health? Sounds like she would benefit from OT at home
Bidet for the win!
YTA. That’s part of the marriage contract you signed up for. If you’re not willing to clean up the shit from your kid or wife you aren’t marriage material. You said she had bad balance, do you wanna risk her falling and getting hurt even more?
100% get a bidet attachment for your toilet(s).
Man… I’m just going to come out and say it. How many wives do we read about on here with this, exactly same problem and their husbands? None. Why? Because it’s expected of us. Statically men are around 90% likely to leave their spouse when they are sick. Women? I’m not sure as that wasn’t apart of the article. All I’m saying is yeah it sucks, figure out a solution though and stop asking for the poor me card. You’re an adult, she’s your partner, stick it out together because most likely she’ll be the one wiping your ass in a few more years.
Get one of those under the toilet seat bidets. As I age and become stiffer and less agile, this has been the best purchase I have made. They are not even expensive.
I really hope this isn’t real because it made me super sad. You and your wife are coming up on 60, she just had a stroke, and she needs you to do an embarrassing and unpleasant task to help her.
So much for “in sickness and in health.”
God damn, even the thought of you making this post to justify your own neglect makes me so, so angry.
I would do anything for my wife as we walk down the long dark hall of aging. Our bodies are going. Our health is slipping. If one day I was so weak or worried that I couldn’t wipe my own ass and my wife said “ew, no” and posted it on reddit, I think I would die inside and hope my body followed soon.
You’re not just an TA, you’re a massive AH. Imaging the shame and fear your wife must have and then imagine the only person she can bring that to is YOU.
I’m sorry if this is harsh but you should really be ashamed of yourself. A lifetime of love and commitment but not if it’s yucky and requires sacrifice. YTA.
Side note: I’ve been there.
You’re not an a-hole for not wanting to but tread carefully!
Other people have mentioned the bidet.
It feels to me like the problem is not helping her but being asked to help when she doesn’t seem to truly need it. I suspect she is calling for help for a reason. You should talk to her and figure that out. It may be that she can do it but is difficult or uncomfortable. It could be she’s feeling vulnerable, or like her life’s out of control, or whatever, and she is needing you on an emotional level and has latched on to this as a way to help fill that need or get reassurance that you still care.
Again, talk to her. Tell her you noticed she can do it while she’s on her own. It makes it feel like you doing it isn’t necessary, and maybe there’s something more to it? You want to understand why she calls on you for this.
Having to get help from others to clean yourself is arguably worse than being asked. It sucks for everybody involved, but it’s humiliating to have to ask. Have some compassion and see what’s going on in her head.
Have you asked her why she feels she needs help with the task? Was she present when the medical professionals said she could use assistive devices?
I also vote for a bidet.
I’ve helped older adults in my family with toilet stuff, and I get that it’s not a pleasant task.
But—helping with that kind of thing? It’s what you do for people you love when they’re sick or hurt. The good and loving thing is to handle it in a matter-of-fact way, as if it’s no big deal at all. The last thing you should want her to feel is shame or humiliation around basic bodily functions.
When you insist that she’s capable of doing it herself, btw, you don’t sound like someone who took a vow to support their partner through sickness and health. You sound like a shitty HR person who’s trying to bully a disabled employee into quitting so the company doesn’t have to shell out for a wheelchair ramp. Do better.
YTA.
Have you talked to her about it? Asked what is preventing her from doing it herself? Has her physical therapist or a nurse shown her how to use the services you’ve bought her? Y’all are talking about her, but not to her.
NTA.
I’m pretty surprised by these other judgements. They come off as someone who’s never been a long term care provider for an adult/elderly person. OP is and has been doing it because he loves his wife– but he is human and it’s not a pleasant job. It’s overall mentally taxing as well as physically unpleasant.
I don’t think people in general would prefer someone to wipe their ass for them if they had any kinds of alternatives, so I find find it a little strange that OPs wife isn’t even making the attempt to be independent in this way. I know I would do everything I could to avoid having another person have to do that for me.
I say you have an ope, gentle, but firm conversation about this with your wife, OP. Tell her you know she can do it and for everyone’s best interest, you’re putting the responsibility of it back onto her.
You don’t sound hostile. You sound tired. That’s valid.
Buy her a bidet and state that it will clean her better.
NTA but I think you need to talk to her about her concerns and what is going on.
You might also want to get her some counselling, because it’s possible this is an anxiety issue.
It might be that she is afraid of falling because wiping does require some balance and a shift forward.
I know you’ve said you got advice from PT etc about what might help – but how involved was your wife in choosing what was added to the bathroom? Does it work for her? Unfortunately even professionals, who ought to know better, sometimes give bad advice to disabled people – or have a one size fits all approach that actually makes things worse rather than better. I’ve been there.
Also, lots of people are suggesting a bidet – which is a good idea up to a point. However, you’d need to be careful about what sort you got. One that requires squeezing to work, for example, might not be good for your wife if her hands are weak. Also, you do still need to wipe a little after using one.
YTA. Tf you think “better or worse, sickness and health” means?
Get a bidet and a therapist to teach you how to be a decent husband.
NTA Tell her NO! Medically & physically she is fully capable and now you’re her crutch. Hubby & I have an agreement if either of us get into/end up in that position. I agree, for better or for worse, but my husband will NOT be my caretaker. Good luck!
OP- I see that you have consulted the medical professionals, which is great, but have you talked to your wife about why she is always calling for your help? You mention that her balance has been affected so maybe while she is able to wipe without you there, she is afraid she will fall each time so prefers that you do it. If that’s the case, maybe you can be present and help with her balance while she does the actual wiping. A stroke affects a person’s brain, its not just the physical aspect, but there could be a mental component as well just as anxiety. Whether the anxiety is warranted or not, you need to have a conversation with your wife about the WHY so that you can come up with a plan together to slowly increase her confidence and ability to wipe more independently. A lot of people have suggested a bidet, I would add a toielt safety frame or grab bars to maximize her sense of security and confidence in her ability to do a thorough job.
Install a bidet seat
NTA. Get a bidet and be done with this.
If everyone on her health team feels she is capable then I don’t think you’re the AH. I’m with some of the other comments, try to get a bidet or wipes. Maybe it’s a confidence thing, like she just is worried she isn’t getting herself clean and/or maybe she struggles to maintain her balance when she is wiping and just prefers help so a bidet may help provide her with more confidence and an easier time of cleaning herself. I would have a frank discussion with her, where you explain that while you love her and are willing to help if it’s a real need but would prefer she try first and you can double check her until she feels more comfortable that she is able to clean herself proper; while the double checking may make you feel like you’re talking to a toddler, it really might be what she needs to feel more confident in her abilities.
NTA – but have a listen to what’s real here: she seems traumatized. Maybe worried you’ll leave and (misguidedly) wants you to think you’re needed.
Keep seeking professional guidance, both for the emotional frustration and practical advice, like the helper aids.
This doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship, but she needs to see the need to be as independent (as much as is achievable medically) as possible!
Why do I mention trauma? I’ve been through some stuff that required a long, slow recovery. And your brain goes to weird places during that time. My partner had to give me tough love when I was afraid to do things on my own. Not only is my body so much stronger, but my relationship is too. Wasn’t easy tho.
NAH
You are NTA for not wanting to do it, but also your wife isn’t the asshole here either. She may be physically capable of it, but she still may be unsure if she is actually doing it well enough, worried that she hasn’t been doing it well enough, and now that you are here to help is relying on you, or she may even have some cognitive impairment that makes her feel confused about the task. And likely whatever it is making her ask you for help, is simply not an option without you not because she suddenly is confident/competent when you aren’t around. She almost certainly would still be asking for help if she weren’t alone in those moments.
Either way though, this is an important skill for her to be able to accomplish on her own again for both your sanity, and her self-confidence. I would focus on getting the tools that can help her:
NTA She’s made it into a sex thing.
NTA if her PT and doc say she can manage (why would you want anyone to do that for you? Sounds like she’s very depressed.)
Get a bidet. That will make it much easier for her to clean herself.
I think you are being reasonable and honest, I would be happy if my husband put so much effort and loyalty into supporting me! I know you already mentioned that you already got devices to help, but have you tried a bidet? I got one for $35 that attaches to the toilet seat and it really does the job well! I had to adjust how I sit in the seat to make sure it is hitting at the right angle lol, but it very helpful and also has a self cleaning function on it. I say NTA & hope you are able to fully communicate with your wife in a gentle way that she is capable of doing this on her own.
Get a bidet but you’re also an asshole what did you expect getting old with someone would be like? Sheesh men like you are why I’ll never bother getting married again. I would literally rather die alone.
Get a bidet. That will help.
It might be a good idea to get her a mental checkup to make sure the stroke didn’t affect her capabilities. NTA I would not like to depend on anyone for this! This issue is why “wet wipes” were made!
If she’s capable of doing it when you’re not at home then she’s capable of doing it when you’re at home. Tell her that and then let her know you’re no longer doing that for her.
Mild YTA.. you sound a little callous here although I do sympathise with your situation.
My father had dementia for many years and I was doing the lion’s share of looking after him while trying to hold down a job. It’s soul destroying but it’s one of those things. It ended up having a lasting impact on my health but what can you do?
Install the bidet ASAP and tell your wife that wiping is where you draw the line.
If the doctor said she can do it, make her keep trying.
NTA. Install a bidet and wash your troubles away.
NTA given the totality of the explanation, but I would definitely get a fancy bidet seat. You can use it, too.
What part of “in sickness and in health” wasn’t clear to you? She would probably do it for you without a second thought.
You can buy a $50 bidet on amazon.
Have you talked to her about? It’s called communication. NTA for being human but TAH for talking about your wife instead of to her. Honey I love you but I dont like this particular care job, since you can take care of it would you excuse me from that task. Try it.
NTA. Get a bidet installed ASAP!
Get a bidet
NTA for not wanting to when she is capable but I’m missing something.
So you talked to her about it obviously right? And she said what exactly about you wanting her to be more independent?
Get a bidet and call it a day.
Another vote for just getting a bidet and some disposable wipes.
A bidet attachment for your existing toilet will cost about $35. There are different kinds so be sure to research first to see if there’s one more suitable to her physical capabilities. You might want to loop her physical therapist into the decision.
Maybe she’s not confident in her ability to do a good job and she’s self conscious about the smell. If she spent any amount of time in rehab she knows that a lot of people with medical needs smell. If that’s the problem she’ll feel much more confident about the situation with a bidet.
Op, you’re only a year into this and you’re already building up a lot of resentment. I think talk therapy would help you both a lot. I have no doubt she feels your resentment and the situation is hurtful for you both. Please consider seeking support.
Good luck, Op!
Talk about it honestly with each other.
Maybe talk to a professional to help find a way to assist in her regaining autonomy
Bidet.
Bidet. I’m the caretaker for my husband, he cannot walk or stand. I’m not wiping his ass.
Buy a bidet. Think out of the box to help her regain her dignity.
YTA. You’d be AH if you refused to help your wife following her stroke. This is a find a solution not refuse situation.
NTA. It’s time for a serious talk and to tell her that she is responsible for this task solely by herself from now on. Good luck.
You need to ask her specifically what the barrier is. Why is she asking for help? Is it painful when she does it herself? Is she just unsure of herself?
Is it possible that you could go in to offer her support as she wipes herself until she feels more sure of her abilities or regains strength? Support as in a hand for balance or a second pair of eyes while she does the task herself? If you continue to full assist when you are there that isn’t going to help her regain her independence.
Then you could work towards getting to a point where she is doing everything independently.
Kind of TA but easier to just buy a bidet
She does fine when you aren’t there. And I’m sure she has rails to grab for balance. It’s a one hand operation. Ask her how she does it when you aren’t there. I think she’s attention seeking a smidge. My MIL had a stroke and will ask for help with things I know she can do because I’ve seen her do them. Stroke patients can tend to revert back to childhood a bit. Just be encouraging and ask her how she does it. Then ask her to show you.
I haven’t read far enough yet to see if someone suggested this already, but dude, buy and install a bidet.
Of COURSE you don’t want to continue wiping her, especially since she seems like she’ll do it herself if you’re not there. But she may be very unsure whether she can do it as well as you can.
Get her a bidet. After a short while, she should be proficient at using it.
NTA, because it sucks having to deal every day with poop that is not your own. I don’t blame you for wanting her to do it if she can.
And before anyone starts thinking I’m a selfish husband, I’m a woman who’s been married for 47 years, and have cleaned up another’s bottom multiple time.
Bidet. Get a bidet. Life changing
Yes YTA. “In sickness and in health” is what you singed on for.
Also: get her a damned bidet attachment already.
I love how your flair is “asshole enthousiast” in this context lol
I think NTA. The medical professionals said it’s fine to do it herself. I can’t imagine how this isn’t the first thing she wants to do herself again
First of all, it’s no easier for her. I imagine it’s humiliating. That said, Get a bidet! You can get one for a reasonable price on Amazon.
OT here.
You are not the asshole for not wanting to do this and you sound like you are burning out. If you are in the US, she should qualify for home health services. Get an OT in to work with this on her. Then develop a transition plan to wean her off needing this help, including verbal cues and encouragement.
I agree with everyone on the bidet front. Good luck and if you can afford it, hiring in some respite care may help.
She wouldn’t be asking for help if she didn’t need it and I think you know that. So yeah, you’re the asshole. Idc what the doctors have said. Take it from someone who is disabled, they’re frequently really super duper fucking wrong about what a disabled person can or should be able to do.
To help you become a better husband to a disabled wife, read about dynamic disabilities.
Typical spoiled boomer. Cleaning her butt if needed is part of “through sickness and in health”. God, you and your generation are the assholes.
Get a bidet, I’m completely able bodied and nothing gets you effortlessly clean like a damn bidet
NTA and I’m sorry so many idiots are making such disparaging comments about your qualities as a husband. Curious to see how many commentors would be trash talking you if the roles were reversed.
I would definitely talk to her about what her concerns are and what your boundaries are.
Something about how you want to her to still thrive on her own independence and give her the tools to be confident.
Perhaps a bidet, a higher toilet, and a well placed mirror would be useful. Baby wipes too.
Invest in a bidet or an in-home nurse if you can’t help her yourself.
Even if I had no choice at all but to need help, I’d trying every damn option before I asked someone to do it. It’s wild to me she’s apparently got the ability to do it herself and wants you to do it. I’d be curious if you had to get a home nurse in for a week and went away. Would she want the same from the nurse or make do…
NTA.
Since the whole medical team feels she can do it herself, no you’re not the AH. If she calls for help (for balance? Is she asking you to wipe bc she feels she may fall down?) stand with her as she does the task herself and give her words of encouragement. It is important for her to maintain independence.
Or bidet.
NTA. install a bidet and be done with this altogether.
NTA. Please consider just buying the equipment in that she could utilise to make her more independent. There are good videos online if she can follow instructions ok. A Bidet would be additionally helpful. It’s ok to tell her you are no longer able to do this task. It’s ok that you don’t want to do this.
Get a bidet toilet seat.
Also, you’re kind of an A, your wife needs your help.
NTA
I started reading expecting you to be the AH, but when I read she can do these things herself I changed my mind.
I’m a RN, and have dealt with patients who refuse to do the care for themselves they are able to do. It is not helpful to them. Her strength and motor skills will only continue to improve if she works at them. And self care is a huge part of it.
Also, strokes absolutely can change a persons personality. They can also become depressed. If your wife is showing any symptoms of depression or inability to cope, have a talk with her Dr.
TLDR
Don’t enable your wife to be dependent for self care
NTA – first off, I have an acquired disability too, and rely on my partner for a lot. The most important thing is maintaining independence and skills as best you can. In this situation, this seems to be a skill she needs to adapt for herself. Have you discussed why she wants assistance, or what her own barriers are? There are plenty of adaptive items to help with this. Bidets, extended handles for wipes, etc. This is not a task she should be putting on you.
NTA. PT here, learned helplessness leads to more learned helplessness. She needs to do as much for herself as she possibly can, so that she can continue to do for herself. It’s time to stop wiping.
Bidet will help so much
NTA and something is going on mentally with your wife. You need to get that figured out to have any real solution and to keep the situation from getting worse.
As a personal injury attorney, I see clients like this all the time. They just give up and mentally check out. In some cases, they are able to convince their body that it really is broken or impaired even though no actual impairment or medical condition exists. It’s called conversion disorder/adjustment disorder/somatization (there are slight differences between those things, but they’re all under the same general umbrella).
Point is, it’s psychological and usually triggered by a traumatic or life changing event or medical condition. I’ve seen it get so bad that a person has convinced themselves that they are wheelchair bound and not capable of weightbearing even though there is zero physical disorder whatsoever. I’m not sure what it is, but there are a certain set of people who have the woe is me switch that gets turned on and they are never able to turn it back off without early and proper intervention by a qualified professional.
Have you talked to her when neither of you is upset about why she prefers that you help her?
I had a surgery once where I was in the hospital overnight. Between the drugs I was on and being laid up in a bed for a full day, when I tried to stand up to use the bathroom I felt very wobbly. I didn’t want to fall and hurt myself, so I called a nurse to help escort me to and from the bathroom. I remember her expressing irritation because I should be able to do it myself. And I could, but I was genuinely worried I would fall down and get hurt.
Maybe you can find a compromise. If she’s worried about falling down, you can come in and help hold her steady while she wipes herself. Maybe she has some lack of sensation or weakness and can’t tell if she’s doing a good job. Maybe it just takes her 3 times as long as when you help, and she doesn’t want to spend so long when there’s another option. I’m not saying the answer is to just give in and do it for her, but try to understand why she prefers that you do it.
NAH.