My (39f) sister (30f) is getting married this weekend. My brother (33m) and I are close with our mom but around 5 years ago my sister decided to cut her out of her life for her own mental health. My brother and I stay neutral and try to support both of them. Both respect this and since I have kids they have been at functions together and make small talk etc. Obviously my mother was not invited to her wedding. My mom did text my sister and ask to come to the ceremony but my sister did not respond. My mom is not taking this well (as in crying). She asked me if she could give me a card to put in the card box for them form her. I asked my sister and she said no thank you. I told my mom “eh I don’t want to piss my sister off”. My mom is pissed at me and says I should take the card. The drama in my family so intense so I have to ask the Internet AITA for not taking the card?
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My (39f) sister (30f) is getting married this weekend. My brother (33m) and I are close with our mom but around 5 years ago my sister decided to cut her out of her life for her own mental health. My brother and I stay neutral and try to support both of them. Both respect this and since I have kids they have been at functions together and make small talk etc. Obviously my mother was not invited to her wedding. My mom did text my sister and ask to come to the ceremony but my sister did not respond. My mom is not taking this well (as in crying). She asked me if she could give me a card to put in the card box for them form her. I asked my sister and she said no thank you. I told my mom “eh I don’t want to piss my sister off”. My mom is pissed at me and says I should take the card. The drama in my family so intense so I have to ask the Internet AITA for not taking the card?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I won’t take my mom’s wedding card to my sister even though she wants me too and she is sad she isn’t going. But my sister said no thank you.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Refuse to be in the middle of their issues. You asked, sis said no. End of. Mother can mail it. NTA. You would be wrong to put it in the box after your sister said no.
ywbta your sisters boundary, respect it. be well
NTA
Your mom is overstepping.
NTA, definitely do not take the card. What’s between them is between them. Don’t let your mother use you to violate your sister’s boundary.
How about your mum puts it in the post?
Tricky for you though because you’re trying to stay neutral… Like putting the card in the box wouldn’t be all that difficult but then it’s like you’re taking a side??? Maybe you shouldn’t have asked your sister first?
NTA for whichever path you decide, it’s not your fight.
NTA. I’d go l/c for a while.
>I asked my sister and she said no thank you.
INFO: Why can’t she mail it herself?
NTA but instead of saying you don’t want to piss off your sister, you could reframe it as “I would’ve taken it IF my sister would have agreed for me to take it. I asked her and she did not.”
NTA Your mother can mail it. Your sister can throw it away. Don’t be a bit player in their drama.
A little, YTA. Your sister made it clear she does not want contact with your mother. You have respected that until now and caved to your mother’s emotions. The correct response would have been to say you respect your sister’s choices and that your mom is being unfair in trying to put you in a position of being a middle person. This is not your role to solve, be a middle person hoping something will change, or to bring this to your sister at all. It’s a quick way to your sister having no trust in you and potentially choosing to be no contact with you too.
This sucks for you, but don’t do it. I was no contact with my dad for years before he ended up institutionalized for dementia and my younger sister was constantly getting pressure from him to get me to talk to him, to accept cards or gifts, etc. I always felt guilty because she shouldn’t have to enforce my boundaries, but he was the one who was putting her in that position, and the fact that he was that sort of person was part of why I was no contact with him. I hope you can look at it that way: your mom is refusing to accept that your sister doesn’t want to hear from her, and instead of respecting that, she’s making life miserable for you, by trying to get you to disrespect your sister as well. Your mom is demonstrating why your sister doesn’t want to have contact. It really really sucks to be in the middle, but holding your ground is the correct action and you are NTA.
You can’t be neutral in situations like this. You can still have a relationship with both, but you cannot be the go-between for them. Just tell your mom no. She will get over it.
NTA
Listen, you’re not the asshole for not giving the card. You’re respecting your sister’s boundary and that’s very good. You are the asshole for even asking your sister in the first place- you should not have brought that drama to her. Next time take it from your mom say that you’ll see what you can do and then quietly throw it in the trash. Don’t even disturb your sister’s peace
Don’t take the card. You already asked your sister and she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want your mother in her life. Your mom is allowed to be sad. However, those are her feelings to deal with in a way that doesn’t involve you.
Tell your mom to mail the card, or you’ll end up being ditched by your sister, too!!
Mom can mail it. No reason you have to be the referee here.
Please don’t give your sister the card. She’s made it very clear about her feelings and her mother, and it differs from yours. And that’s ok. Unless you want your sister to cut you out of her life, respect her choice and attend her wedding as her loved sibling.
Your mother can mail the card and keep you out of the middle of their relationship.
NTA. Your Mom needs to fix her relationship with your sister. It’s not your fight. And your Mom needs to understand not all hurts can be healed.
Nope. It’s the sister’s wedding. Hopefully they can work it out later but for now you need to side with your sister. End of story.