I have a coworker that I am very close to and we eat lunch together, etc. I’m a clothes horse and I have so many things that I’ve never worn and still have the tags on. My coworker is always commenting to me that she loves my clothes and if I ever decide to give anything away, please come to her first! We were the same size.
I recently lost a lot of weight and I’ve gone down five sizes. I’ve been working really hard at it, but I haven’t been talking about it that much because it seems to be a bit of tension between the two of us. She’s never said anything outright, just some passive aggressive comments about how I’m getting too thin. I just ignore it because a lot of people say that, and I think it’s just a result of the shock of me losing weight. I still have about 30 pounds to lose before I even hit the 150 mark and I’m very short. I’m definitely not too thin and I still suffer from body dysmorphia, so I don’t even think I’m thin at all.
I recently went through my clothes, and I have a shocking amount of things that have either never been worn or have been worn once (I really need to work on this addiction). I put them together in boxes and on my next trip into the office, I asked her if she would like me to bring those in so she could go through them. Her face took on this very shocked expression, and then she said “why would you ask me that? Why would you insult me by asking me if I want your hand me downs and castoffs? That’s so humiliating.” I was stunned and I think I might’ve actually said I was sorry and walked away.
To make things even worse, there’s another friend in the office who was also my size, and as we went out to the car later that day she asked me what the boxes were in my car. I told her they were my larger size clothes and that I had brought them for our other coworker, but she didn’t want them (I didn’t go into any details). She went nuts and asked if she could go through the box. She called her daughter who worked very close by and we spent the next 45 minutes going through the boxes and getting the stuff that she wanted. They literally took almost everything. While they were doing it, the other coworker came outside to leave for the day and saw what was happening. She got into her car and left. Later that night she texted me and lit into me about me giving the clothes to the other coworker.
I am so confused. Did I insult her? And if I did, why would she care if I gave the clothes to someone else? After several years of a good work friendship, she won’t even speak to me anymore. Am I the asshole?
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I have a coworker that I am very close to and we eat lunch together, etc. I’m a clothes horse and I have so many things that I’ve never worn and still have the tags on. My coworker is always commenting to me that she loves my clothes and if I ever decide to give anything away, please come to her first! We were the same size.
I recently lost a lot of weight and I’ve gone down five sizes. I’ve been working really hard at it, but I haven’t been talking about it that much because it seems to be a bit of tension between the two of us. She’s never said anything outright, just some passive aggressive comments about how I’m getting too thin. I just ignore it because a lot of people say that, and I think it’s just a result of the shock of me losing weight. I still have about 30 pounds to lose before I even hit the 150 mark and I’m very short. I’m definitely not too thin and I still suffer from body dysmorphia, so I don’t even think I’m thin at all.
I recently went through my clothes, and I have a shocking amount of things that have either never been worn or have been worn once (I really need to work on this addiction). I put them together in boxes and on my next trip into the office, I asked her if she would like me to bring those in so she could go through them. Her face took on this very shocked expression, and then she said “why would you ask me that? Why would you insult me by asking me if I want your hand me downs and castoffs? That’s so humiliating.” I was stunned and I think I might’ve actually said I was sorry and walked away.
To make things even worse, there’s another friend in the office who was also my size, and as we went out to the car later that day she asked me what the boxes were in my car. I told her they were my larger size clothes and that I had brought them for our other coworker, but she didn’t want them (I didn’t go into any details). She went nuts and asked if she could go through the box. She called her daughter who worked very close by and we spent the next 45 minutes going through the boxes and getting the stuff that she wanted. They literally took almost everything. While they were doing it, the other coworker came outside to leave for the day and saw what was happening. She got into her car and left. Later that night she texted me and lit into me about me giving the clothes to the other coworker.
I am so confused. Did I insult her? And if I did, why would she care if I gave the clothes to someone else? After several years of a good work friendship, she won’t even speak to me anymore. Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be an asshole because I offered her these clothes after I lost weight, potentially making her feel bad that I lost weight and she was still the same size.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
So is she upset about you asking if she wanted your too large clothes? Or is she upset because you gave it to someone else after she got all offended?
Either way, she sounds insufferable.
NTA. Weight is a tough subject for people but that doesn’t excuse your coworkers passive aggressive comments or her rudeness to you about the clothes. I’m glad you found people who appreciate the gesture!
NTA…She sounds impossible to please. Luckily, your generosity found a home.
NTA
> passive aggressive comments about how I’m getting too thin.
Some people just hate being reminded that personal improvement is possible.
> She got into her car and left. Later that night she texted me and lit into me about me giving the clothes to the other coworker.
This is deciding to be upset for the sake of being upset.
NTA, and never offer anything to her ever again.
NTA. If the first co-worker had never mentioned wanting your clothes that would be one thing. But she did. Then she got pissed when you gave the clothes she Refused to a different co-worker. You can’t win with this person, who, imo, isn’t much of a friend.
ESH
Yes it was insulting
you gave clothes because you lost weight. It definitely came off as, hey I’m skinny now do you want my clothes since you are fat
She shouldn’t be passive aggressive
I am prepare to get downvoted but this is actually insulting to be people
NTA – I’m guessing that the public “do you want to go through my clothes here at work” set her off, because she didn’t like how that might look to others. Of course, she didn’t tell you that, so you’re in the clear.
ESH
You already knew she was being weird about your weight loss, of course this would be rubbing salt in the wound for her, lol.
NTA. It’s unfortunate that so many people think weight loss is a competition. I think she’s jealous of your new health, and accepting the clothes would reinforce the idea of you “winning”. This is something she needs to work through on her own. If she makes you uncomfortable (passive aggressive/negative talk), you can redirect the conversation, saying “let’s talk about something else”.
As for giving them to your other co-worker-kudos! I think it’s wonderful that you ended up being able to donate the clothes to someone who appreciated them.
Congratulations on your journey! Health is wealth; keep taking care of yourself. 💪🏼
NTA
Weight loss shifts the dynamic of relationships – especially given the comments of you losing too much weight. You have achieved a goal that has made your friend possibly feel like you are looking down on her and may stop hanging out with her.
She hints and wanting the clothes, then refuses them and then in the next breath she sees you offering the same clothes to someone who was grateful for said clothes feels triggred. There has also likely always been an element of her feeling that you are ‘her person’ at work.
OP you are not responsible for your friends feelings in this instance, you offered a close collague/ friends $100’s of dollars of quality clothing and her pride got in the way twice. Maybe have a catchup over coffee and re-assure her you meant no bad will.
She liked that you were the same size, she took comfort in that. When you started losing weight, she took it personal. You didn’t do anything wrong. She is the one with the issue. Instead of celebrating the work you put in, she tries to put you down. That’s not a real friend
Wait. She told you if you were ever getting rid of things, to let her know. So, you did, and she got offended. Ok….. about-face, much? Whatever. So then you gave them to someone who wanted them, and she got offended again? Honestly, I would document this in case it escalates. She’s not all there. NTA.
edit – a word
NTA. I got a bunch of old blazers from a former coworker bc she wanted new ones. They didn’t all fit but I kept the ones that did. Who cares lmao
You likely bonded over food when you were heavier & she has missed that. But now she would be uncomfortable eating in front of you. She’s emotional and angry and doesn’t know what to do with that. Therapy & her own weight loss would help but she has to come to that on her own.
You’re NTA and there’s nothing you can do.
You’re ok. She’s dealing with her own stuff about you losing weight. Maybe see if she will have coffee & explain her rejection of your clothes & you thought she meant it. Let her know that, although your size has changed, you haven’t. When people put a lot of effort into improving themselves (and I don’t mean anything mean by this-) there will always be people who resent it. Love them anyway. And congratulations on all your hard work.
NAH. Your intentions were good, but it’s very obvious why you were giving these clothes away, and that was probably a sore point for your coworker. Something a little more tactful along the lines of ” I really need to stop buying these clothes that I never wear. I’m cutting myself off and downsizing! Remember how you used to tell me you take clothes of mine off my hands well now’s your chance!” may have been a better idea.
Is it still obvious why you were getting rid of the clothes? Yes of course. But this at least allows your coworker a little grace, a reminder that she had asked for this previously and a way for her to help you out- all in one swoop.
NTA it’s often hard on a friendship when one party makes a big change like losing weight.
In the past she was happy to get your clothing. She’s feeling insecure now that you’ve done what she hasn’t been able to. I’m glad someone was able to use them.
NTA she can’t have it both ways. She can’t be insulted you offered her the clothes & then be angry you gave the clothes to someone else.
Misery loves company & she was probably happier when you were heavier and her size and now that your on a weight loss journey it is forcing her to take a look at herself and she doesn’t like what she sees.
As someone who is also in a weight loss journey ( I’ve lost 60+lbs ) and am now a trim 135lbs at 5’4 I’ve had comments from friends that are mean spirited, not supportive etc. just keep doing you and being healthy.
INFO: Why did you jump straight to bringing in boxes full of clothes to present to her at work over, say texting her to see if she were still interested?
Also, do you make more $$ than her?