I (35F) have a “friend” (52F) who has challenging life circumstances due to an ongoing divorce and a severely disabled, fully dependent 18YO son. She has a regular 9-5 work from home job, but occasionally refurbs and flips antiques for a side hustle. Due to her situation it’s difficult for her to leave her home/son, and I have a truck, so I offered to help out when needed as long as she paid gas money.
The round trip drive is 102 miles. The time it takes is ludicrous- it can be 2.5+ hrs depending on time of day, as
I live in the city ranked 2nd or 3rd worst traffic in the USA. Gas has hovered around $4.xx/gal and I get 14mpg average.
When she began getting demanding about delivery time windows, the time increased to sometimes 4+ hrs.
The first few times I did this, she gave me $20. Stingy, but I was trying to be nice. However, after a few times she simply stopped paying me altogether. I had a strongly worded conversation with her, got $10 next time, then nothing ever again until I quit. Oh, except the time she tried to “pay” me with dinner… Which is patronizing AF.
All in all I made 5 unpaid trips, 1 $10 trip and a handful of $20 trips.
Few months later, I saw something on Facebook she was selling for $250 that I liked. I was broke at the time so she let me grab it for $125 and said to just send the rest in a day or two when I had the money.
I fully intended to, but as I thought and pondered… It seemed really crummy for me to pay her that, when she owed me far more than that just in unpaid gas, let alone the 20+ hours or so I’d spent doing her errands unpaid. So… I just decided, to not pay her the rest.
I took the chickenshit route, block/ghost, which is pretty lame. So that, plus the fact that we had agreed on the transaction but I failed to fulfill my end, could make me the asshole.
But I also feel like, if I had gotten paid for all I’d done, she shorted me well over $175 on gas which we had agreed upon as terms for service… (And if I’d gotten paid even minimum wage for time, the total would be $400+, so she was already getting a helluva deal). If she can recant on financial agreements, then I can too, right?
Or AITA?
Edit: we had agreed that gas money would be $20/trip “minimum”. (So maybe I shouldn’t have called that “stingy” since it was the bare minimum but anyways we did have that as a set term.)
Edit 2: She does not have financial difficulties. She has difficulties in being able to leave her son for extended time periods.
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I (35F) have a “friend” (52F) who has challenging life circumstances due to an ongoing divorce and a severely disabled, fully dependent 18YO son. She has a regular 9-5 work from home job, but occasionally refurbs and flips antiques for a side hustle. Due to her situation it’s difficult for her to leave her home/son, and I have a truck, so I offered to help out when needed as long as she paid gas money.
The round trip drive is 102 miles. The time it takes is ludicrous- it can be 2.5+ hrs depending on time of day, as
I live in the city ranked 2nd or 3rd worst traffic in the USA. Gas has hovered around $4.xx/gal and I get 14mpg average.
When she began getting demanding about delivery time windows, the time increased to sometimes 4+ hrs.
The first few times I did this, she gave me $20. Stingy, but I was trying to be nice. However, after a few times she simply stopped paying me altogether. I had a strongly worded conversation with her, got $10 next time, then nothing ever again until I quit. Oh, except the time she tried to “pay” me with dinner… Which is patronizing AF.
All in all I made 5 unpaid trips, 1 $10 trip and a handful of $20 trips.
Few months later, I saw something on Facebook she was selling for $250 that I liked. I was broke at the time so she let me grab it for $125 and said to just send the rest in a day or two when I had the money.
I fully intended to, but as I thought and pondered… It seemed really crummy for me to pay her that, when she owed me far more than that just in unpaid gas, let alone the 20+ hours or so I’d spent doing her errands unpaid. So… I just decided, to not pay her the rest.
I took the chickenshit route, block/ghost, which is pretty lame. So that, plus the fact that we had agreed on the transaction but I failed to fulfill my end, could make me the asshole.
But I also feel like, if I had gotten paid for all I’d done, she shorted me well over $175 on gas which we had agreed upon as terms for service… (And if I’d gotten paid even minimum wage for time, the total would be $400+, so she was already getting a helluva deal). If she can recant on financial agreements, then I can too, right?
Or AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that might make me an asshole is only paying half the cost of the item, and then never paying the other half that I had agreed to pay her. (And ghosting her instead of explaining why.) This might make me an asshole because, despite the fact that she owed me and failed to pay me much more than that in the past, an agreement is an agreement, and I probably should have tried to either negotiate a discount based on my unpaid time and services, or simply paid the price I had agreed to because the incidents are not related to one another and I should stand by my word.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. She stiffed you for gas and time, so you paid her back with a “discount.” Petty? Sure. Deserved? Also yes.
Be a man who pays what he owes regardless of what others may or may not do.
YTA you offered to help without clear discussion on how gas money would be charged and you agreed on a price and ghosted
YTA of course and it was on purpose. It sounds like she was shorting you because of financial struggles and your own willingness. Now you’re getting her to work for you for less so you’ll feel better about doing her favors.
The first time she only paid you $20 you knew what was happening and decided to help anyway. Either lend a helping hand or leave her alone. Don’t short her on this business because you regret that you volunteered time and money to help her through a difficult time.
ESH. You could have asked her for the discount and explained the reason you felt it was deserved, that would be more than fair. She is on a tight budget you said and this was income she has now factored in to her plans but won’t be getting which might cause her problems if she was counting on the money to cover food or a bill. Your choice is just petty to be honest, you’ve taken the cowards way out.
She obviously sucks because she should have compensated you properly for fuel while helping her out.
YTA. You’re as bad as she is.
ESH but you way more
You agreed to this transaction
She didn’t agree to pay you more gas, you’re just mad she didn’t
ESH, like really sucks. The both of you.
ESH. You both should honor your agreements.
YTA You weren’t clear in your expectation in the beginning and you weren’t clear about payment for the thing you bought.
ESH
She sounds pretty entitled in regard to receiving your help, but for that instead of cutting your losses and moving on, you decide to lie and swindle her? You’re both jerks.
Sorry, but ESH. You agreed to send her the rest, but then ghosted her because you were felt that you were owed the money (agreed). These were two separate situations. You should have bargained with her over the missing gas money, hit her up with a certified letter, taken her to small claims court, etc.
Welp, for one thing you’re not a man. I misgendered, which is a Faux Pas. Then, it seems like you’re financially involved in a friendly way and she stiffed you. She sounds pretty miserly — maybe she needs to be. But the way she put that purchase to you, kinda seems like she isn’t expecting the rest of it. So, I’d take the antique for what you’re owed and forget about it. Next time she asks for your truck decide weather or not you wanna play lose with her or tell her up front its 35$ round trip. But sounds like something is going on with her
YTA
You lost the moral high ground when you did the very thing you’re complaining about her doing.
And although ESH might be more technically appropriate, (since she also stiffed you), the difference for me is that you seem to feel fairly justified in doing what you did, and she at least tried to offer you dinner when she was unable to pay.
YTA
She could have sold it to somebody else for the price she wanted. What she owes you is a separate issue and you should have talked to her about that like an adult and you could have proposed to pay you back in installments. If you didn’t like her behavior don’t stoop to the same level.
YTA. Learn how to say no. Changing the terms of an agreement halfway through is a shit move. It sounds like your friend is struggling, and you piled on. Not cool.
YTA of course. Even if you feel like someone owes you something, you don’t make an explicit agreement to pay someone $125 and then refuse to pay it. Obviously. Wtf are we talking about here. If you have a problem with someone about one thing, like the driving, you should resolve it separately instead of letting it leak into other things.
Also ghosting someone is cowardly.
YTA, if she wouldn’t pay what you’d agreed on in the first place, you should have just stopped helping. It sounds like she paid what she could and thought you were good with it because you kept doing it even though you complained. You already knew she was struggling. So you turned into the AH when you took the roundabout way to get more money out of her by screwing her over, knowing her predicament. I’m sure she thought you were being a friend and were helping her out, but you proved her wrong. Was she taking advantage? It’s possible, but you allowed it, so not really.
Maybe TA for ghosting (as a ghoster we have to admit it’s not nice lol) however…. fair is fair to me.
if she had treated you better then you would have paid fill price. youre reaction is exactly that, a reaction to her not holding true to her word.
personally I’d tell her mostly cause I’d want her to KNOW why I’m ghosting cause that’s a messed up thing to do to a friend and they deserve to know they arnt good friends
Nta. This post would go over better in /pettyrevenge
Sorry but that’s an AH move. If she recanted a deal you can call her on it and try to collect but you making an agreement then ghosting her makes you just like her. Not so much about getting someone back as being someone that keeps his word regardless. Now you’re someone that keeps his word when you feel like it, it’s not a good look for anyone.
YTA. You lied to her about how much you would pay for the item. If you believed she still owed you for stuff you did in the past, you should have negotiated that BEFORE you agreed on the price of the item.
ESH, but at the end of the day, being an asshole isn’t always the worst move. Nobody needs to be like Jesus every day 😂 sometimes you gotta remind people of why being an asshole sucks.
ESH. She is an asshole for taking advantage of you. You are the asshole for agreeing to pay an amount and then trying to back out.
If she owes you money and you want to put the money she owes you against the money you owe her, you needed to discuss that upfront.
Petty maybe AH No. Sometimes in life people no matter their life circumstances deserve to have what they dish out served back to them. I’m notorious for allowing people to take advantage of me to an extent. I’m a people pleaser but sometimes the same people who knowingly take advantage are the same people who will twist a situation as though it wasn’t their fault. Your friend knew she was taking advantage of you and you expressed this to her so I say cut your losses and practice being a NO person in the future!
ESH. While I understand your reasoning for not paying the full amount, the way you went about it really sucks. Her not paying you sucks too.
YTA. ESH overall, but YTA about this particular episode of bullshit.
She seems like a piece of work, but IMO YTA here. You’re doing to her what she did to you to teach her a lesson. Instead, you should have just had an adult conversation and paid the agreed-upon amount and not reneg after the fact.
NTA, but I think $20 wasn’t enough the first time, and I’m not sure why the first time wasn’t your last time. You have a passive aggressive way of getting somewhat even when you should have simply said ‘I’m sorry, I can’t help you for an amount of money that doesn’t even cover the gas needed’. Instead, you allowed yourself to be used and taken advantage of. However, she’s most definitely the type that will take and take. She should’ve given you the furniture for free. Lesson here: takers have no boundaries, so you must.
You should block and ghost, it sounds like a ridiculous toxic relationship.
ESH but I’d do the same thing lol.
Maybe not ghost/block but instead tell her why you aren’t paying the rest.
You two had mutual debt, she defaulted on her debt to you. As money is fungible and her payments overdue there is no issue with you unilaterally setting off the mutual debt. It would be absurd to demand that you pay her back, knowing fully well that she is not going to settle her debt with you. Most people in this thread who demand this of you are hypocrites who would never do this themselves.
The only problem is that you ghosted her. Legally this would be a problem where I live and it’s just a dick thing to do. Stand by your actions, you were right in the first place.
Conclusion: NTA as your transgression is minor compared to her disrespect of your time and money. Especially seeing how you are the one with money issues and not her.
YTA and you know it. You dont magically create debts out of thin air to cancel out the debts you owe. No one is going to accept that as reasonable. You wanted to end this friendship via theft.
Any reasonable person would have mentioned the money you felt owed and stopped it before it got to this point.
YTA and youre a thief. If you wanted more money, you should have handled it like an adult. Instead you handled it like a thief.
NAH, You do you boo boo, sounds like she had it coming.
You should’ve told her you were not going to send the rest of the money due to previously unpaid bills. Then block her. Then NTA.
But you, ESH
ESH because of your block/ghost approach after not handling it properly to start with.
Would have been NTA if you were explicit about the amount owed in the past (which you have have been, it’s unclear) and if you had been up front afterwards that this was why you weren’t giving more money.
>(And if I’d gotten paid even minimum wage for time, the total would be $400+, so she was already getting a helluva deal)
No, you chose to volunteer your time and only asked for gas money. Volunteers don’t get to say “but I should have been paid minimum wage actually” after the fact.
>If she can recant on financial agreements, then I can too, right?
Do you want to be that kind of person?
It’s telling that you see this, in your own words, as recanting an agreement. If you had handled this differently, you’d be able to honestly say that this was you intending to get money owned you.