I (18) still live with my parents. I’m going into my sophomore year of college. Before, I only had one checking account that my mom is also on. One day I decided I wanted to have my own account. I felt/ feel that I’m an adult and can have a little bit more financial freedom. I still have my joint account with my mom so that she can still easily transfer money back and forth for bills and such.
I didn’t tell my parents I was going to open another account and I was scared to tell them that I did. And then I forgot to tell them later. I definitely take the blame for their anger on this one. Like yeah they don’t NEED to know but it would’ve been nice to tell them.
Anyways, today my dad got angry because he thinks my bf (that he doesn’t like because he’s mixed) “put me up to it” or my dad thinks I’ve been giving my bf money. Neither assumption is the case. My bf didn’t even know about it nor does he care and he doesn’t need money from me.
I think I’m the asshole because I didn’t tell my parents about the account.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
I (18) still live with my parents. I’m going into my sophomore year of college. Before, I only had one checking account that my mom is also on. One day I decided I wanted to have my own account. I felt/ feel that I’m an adult and can have a little bit more financial freedom. I still have my joint account with my mom so that she can still easily transfer money back and forth for bills and such.
I didn’t tell my parents I was going to open another account and I was scared to tell them that I did. And then I forgot to tell them later. I definitely take the blame for their anger on this one. Like yeah they don’t NEED to know but it would’ve been nice to tell them.
Anyways, today my dad got angry because he thinks my bf (that he doesn’t like because he’s mixed) “put me up to it” or my dad thinks I’ve been giving my bf money. Neither assumption is the case. My bf didn’t even know about it nor does he care and he doesn’t need money from me.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I’m the asshole because I didn’t tell my parents that I was going to open it or didn’t tell them when I did
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Why do they need to know about the account? NTA
NTA
> I definitely take the blame for their anger on this one.
Lol, they do not have any business being angry.
Keep your finances as private as you like.
NTA – you’re 18, you’re an adult. You don’t have to tell your parents anything.
You’re an adult now, they don’t need to know shit unless it directly effects their home that you live in. Once you move out they especially don’t need to know shit
I’ll go with NTA, but with an asterisk. Obviously, you’re perfectly free to open your account, but it’s also true you still rely on them financially for a home, bills, etc. This does kind of blur the lines a bit.
I don’t think it’s a big deal you did this without telling them, but a better sign of maturity might have been if you did let them know you’d done this and why.
NTA
NTA – As a parent with young people still living at home, that would be none of my business nor would I be angry or upset in anyway if they opened any account without telling me. I’m always available for advice and help, but I would never interfere like your parents have. You are moving to become more independent, perfectly normal.
I’m sorry they are making you feel as if you have done something wrong. Congrats on moving into adulthood by having your own account.
NTA.. you are 18. You should have your own account. It is your parents job to guide you, not do it for you. The goal is to make you an independent human being, that means managing your own money. My kids always had their own accounts, I never managed it for them. It was better to learn early.
Yeah, no. If they get mad about that, it’s a huge red flag. Your parents don’t need to know. Only reason they would be upset is because they think your independence is a bad thing, they want you under their roof and under their rules, and they want you help them out with money instead of trying to save and gain your independence. Ignore them. Do your thing.
NTA, Your dad seems like a total AH, if your dad doesn’t like your bf bc he’s biracial and thinks he put up to opening your own account (wtf). I’m glad you’re going off to college hopefully you only return on important occasions.
I would say NTA… But not if your parents are giving you money on a regular basis and you opened another account so it would look like you didn’t have any money so they would keep giving you more. If that’s the case YTA!!!
Ummmm sooo…. You should have a chequing account. You’re 18 and you need to build credit so that you can one day be able to move out, have your own car with a reasonable interest rate (I saw someone with a 10% interest rate on a CAR the other day😱 like no. I’m the grown up here and telling you if you see a 10% apr on a car loan, run!), you need to pay bills without predatory rates too. Anyone who flips out on you is having some serious “Come to Jesus” issues and you should ignore them. My parents got me my first chequing account at 8 and I had plenty of banking history with my financial institution to take out a credit card when I turned 18
NTA your racist parents are over stepping. There’s no reason they needed to know.
NTA – should you maybe have told them instead of waiting or them finding out on their own? Maybe. But you have every right to have your own account.
Besides, even if you were giving your bf money… who cares??? It’s your money, it’s yours to do what you want with it!
Their reaction to it is proof you should have one separate imo. It’s a red flag to me that they were so mad. I got a credit card without telling my mom and when I told her she just said “I wouldn’t have done that, but you’re an adult”. That is a normal response to your adult child doing something on their own, especially with their own money.
What business is it of theirs if you grow up? Shalom you’re loved 💔
NTA
At 18 what you do with your money is none of their business anymore.
As a parent myself, I find their reaction off the top and controlling.
And I would point out that you feared the consequences of telling them something really benign in nature that you should not have to fear and its time to wonder why… then again they blew it out of proportion, blamed your bf instead of talking like reasonable folk, asking your reasons and agreeing on releasing you from some parental restrictions moving forward as an adult.
NTA but they might be a tad too controlling and involved instead of the guidance that parents should be.
Edited for typos
My son has its own account since 12 (allowed in our country). Moreover, I can see all the money movements, but I cannot access the account itself. Having your own account is ok and acceptable. You can decide what to transfer to your parents: all, a portion, or nothing at all, but this should be your decision.
As for your guilt: as a parent, I neither expect nor request a daily confession. It’s ok not to tell smth to your parents or not to tell anything, or to tell everything per your sole decision. Your parents sound controlling, and as a child, you had no options but to obey. As an adult, you need to start building boundaries and not feel guilty about it. Do they call their grandparents to tell them how much money they spent on beer? If you still live with them, it would be harder to do, and to be honest, I already erased a couple of pieces of advice because they can or can’t work depending on your particular case. But at least try not to guilttrip yourself. Reddit likes to advise “take your sword and go to battle”, but if living situation is tough, try to approach with logic “I need to know how to budget. How can I do it without my own account?” or similar. Hope real psychologists there will help with better advice
NTA.
You shouldn’t have to “take their anger” on anything. You don’t have any obligation to tell anyone your business. Your dad is mad because he thought he knew what you were spending money on because he was SNOOPING. He had no right to snoop.
My stepdaughter’s (F27) account is still linked to her mom’s. She reminds her of this occasionally. And when SD complains that she “doesn’t have any money” or “can’t afford” something, my wife checks her account and sees she has over $10K in her savings account. I don’t know if she’s hinting for money or sympathy, but it’s hard to give either when she’s got more in the bank than we do.
Moral of the story: Do what you did and get a separate account at age 18. If you want to keep the other one open to make it easy to transfer money or whatever, fine. But there’s no reason to allow your parents to continue to monitor your earnings, spending habits, or savings.
[deleted]
NTA and it’s time to start building boundaries with your parents. For one, they’re too controlling, and two, your father is a racist. It’s time to let them know you are your own person, they raised you, they taught you, now it’s time for you to go make your own mistakes.
You’re not an a hole for this, I’ve got kids 30 down to 16 years old. I’d expect them to do that! This is when you start to grown up, but still all safe at home
NTA. And get control of all your official documents. Social Security card, birth certificate, passport (if you have one) , etc.
The best place to store those would be a safety deposit box at your bank. Do NOT let your parents have access to them.
NTA
You said you were scared to tell your parents about the personal account you opened, which means your parents have taught you to be afraid of them. They are the reason you kept this info from them, not you. You did nothing wrong. You are old enough to have your own account and they are nice enough to help you out with money. Your parents are racist and controlling and it makes sense to me that you would want some independence from them.
NTA.
I have an 18 year old. She has a bank account attached to mine that she’s had since she was 14.
If she got another one and forgot to tell me, I wouldn’t care.
I’ve been telling her to get one actually because the first bank charges dumb fees but it was the only local one that would give a 14 year old an account.
NTA. You’re legally an adult and are fully entitled to manage your finances however you want. Your father’s reaction has just hi lighted why it was a good thing to do as he has just displayed controlling behaviour. It’s your money and no one else gets to dictate how you manage it.
NTA. You’re considered an adult now. It’s a small step to independence. That scares them. Our grown, married with children 39 yo daughter still has a shared account with her dad. Obviously she has other accounts that do not include us. It’s a convenience.
Do you work or is it their money?
You are NTA, give your parents some grace. I get angry with my adult sons when they do stupid things with money, because I did stupid things with money and I want them to avoid the pitfalls I hit. However if they are racist, that sucks and I am sorry.
Most 18yr olds get their own account. It’s part of being an adult
You are 18 so you don’t have to tell anyone!
INFO: You want financial freedom or you want your mom paying your bills?? Which is it?
I felt/ feel that I’m an adult and can have a little bit more financial freedom. I still have my joint account with my mom so that she can still easily transfer money back and forth for bills and such.
NTA- You have the right to privacy. Being an adult means taking care of your business. Your parents are the ones overstepping and being too controlling. Additionally, you don’t need to have a joint account in order to send each other money. There is Zelle and Venmo along with other money apps.
NTA, they have next level manipulation on you. You felt anxiety just THINKING about having to tell them about opening an account… That is messed up!
It’s normal to grow up! Don’t let them smother you.
NTA. After 18, your parents don’t need to know your financial situation. Nor do they need access to your bank account.
NTA
Their reaction tells me that you absolutely made the right call. Look I don’t know if you live in the states or if it’s similar where you are. Where I live in the US if your parents name is at all connected to your checking they can withdrawal all your money. That’s probably why they’re so mad. Not because you did an adult thing, but because you ripped away the opportunity to do something shitty if they ever felt desperate enough to do it or if you disobeyed them.
Only put into your shared checkings what you’re okay with them taking from you. The rest or all goes into your new solo checking account.
I also wouldn’t be leaving ANY of your banking info anywhere in the house if you live with them. Put two factor authentication on, and put a freeze on your credit. It’s super easy to do, and just doesn’t allow accounts to be opened unless you decide. It’s just extra security basically. If they won’t let it go, apologize for not telling them; you however need to emphasize that you’re not sorry for getting your own checking. That you’re 18 now and it was time. Don’t say more, don’t say less.
INFO
> I didn’t tell my parents about the account.
So who the hell did, and why?
Sounds like your Dad’s problem isn’t the account, but with control. What he really wants is for you to dump the BF, which is also not his decision. Nothing to feel guilty about, though it does sound from your “feeling guilty” comment that they’ve discouraged you from acting like the adult you are.
NTA – you’re 18 and a young adult as they said you don’t need permission, there isn’t a need to tell them but no one should be angry.
Keep doing what you’re doing which is coming into your own as an adult.
NTA.
You earned the money, you can do with it what you want.
NTA. You’re an adult legally, which means that they don’t have a say on things like having your own account. Congratulations for being independent enough to do this for yourself.
NTA. As you yourself said, they don’t NEED to know.
You’re a genetic anomaly, in fact. Both your parents are assholes, but you aren’t.
NTA. And you’re being way too hard on yourself. You aren’t responsible for your dad’s anger. That’s 100% on him. He doesn’t get angry because of what you do he gets angry because he can’t handle reality in an emotionally healthy way. Someone else’s dad hears that you did that and they become proud because you took some initiative to take on more responsibility related to finances. This isn’t on you at all.
You’re very young so your tendency is still going to be to give your parents the benefit of the doubt when they don’t deserve it. Look how your dad made a whole bunch of assumptions about your partner that we’re not just wrong they’re offensive. He’s not as skilled at life as your heart would like him to be.
You are 18 and an adult. I forced my kids to get their own accounts at 18 but piggy back off mine so they have zero fees until they turn 25. I didn’t want to see their balance any more! I send them money through other apps while they are in college.
NTA for having your own account, and honestly it’s not a bad thing to have an independent account.
Ice had a private account since I was 18. I have a friend who’s married and still has his parents on one of his accounts.
NTA. You’re a grown adult. They don’t need to know what you do and don’t do with your money. The fact that your dad is angry, is concerning and makes it seem like they want to have financial control over you.
Independence is the key to happiness. NTA never give up your independence.
NTA, parents need to realize that you’re an adult and do you. Good on you for taking that control from them away.
Definitely NTA! You’re an adult, you can have your own account and don’t need to tell your parents lol
Question though: you started college at 17?
NTA. That you were scared of their reaction when you told them tells me everything I need to know: you have hella controllingp arents.
The only reason for anyone else to know that account exists would be to notify the bank if you were incapacitated.
NTA- Your parents don’t have to be informed.
NTA. When I was 19ish I closed my joint account with my mom without telling her and made my own. You’re an adult
your parents sound terrible to me (ofc we dont have perfect info, just what you told us). i would 100% begin the process of becoming independent. DO NOT get on the debt train. try to save save save as much as you can now while you are young (i suspect you have few bills, are living at home, and your parents are controlling which limits your spending). open a high yield savings account (hysa) that is connected to your personal checking account, and start sending money to it (alternatively, you could use paypal’s savings option if you have that, although the yields arent as high). make sure any account is fully fdic insured. i use forbright bank.