AITA for opening up a letter from my husband’s mortgage lender? He bought the house before we were married, and due to my credit at the time I couldn’t be on the loan. Plus we had only been dating for close to 2 years. We’ve been best friends for a decade and married for a few years.
I contribute all of my paycheck to our shared bills, but he makes 3 times as much as I do. We were doing weekly budget dates until he fully went into sales. After that, his paychecks were large enough that I would just send my part and he said he’d take care of any payments. During that time we went on numerous vacations and even adopted families for Christmas that were affected by a natural disaster. Spending money left and right.
Skip to 02/2025, and I finally opened a letter since we were getting so many. Every time one would come in, he would say he paid for it and not to worry. I don’t pry, but the volume of letters we were receiving was astronomical. I opened the letter to find out we haven’t had a payment go through since September of 2024. He said it wasn’t right and that he’d call. Two weeks later I asked again, he said he did call and they said it was taken care of.
Next thing you know we’re getting certified mail that we are heading towards foreclosure. At this point we’re 7 months behind on payments and we qualified for a lien instead of foreclosure. Something to celebrate in comparison to losing our home.
Jumping ahead… I didn’t yell, I definitely cried but I just said he was smarter than that. How could he not see the money not coming out? Or not seeing any type of confirmation? Anytime I brought up our bills he’d just say it was taken care of.
Well, apparently I’m not allowed to be mad at the situation. That it was taken care of now and he will pay back the lien and I can’t mention it without him getting offended. I’m not even mad about the payments, shoot I have ADHD and this is something I could have done in my past. I’m angry about the lying. AITA for wanting an apology? I feel like I’ve been extremely supportive while holding him accountable but am I being too harsh?
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AITA for opening up a letter from my husband’s mortgage lender? He bought the house before we were married, and due to my credit at the time I couldn’t be on the loan. Plus we had only been dating for close to 2 years. We’ve been best friends for a decade and married for a few years.
I contribute all of my paycheck to our shared bills, but he makes 3 times as much as I do. We were doing weekly budget dates until he fully went into sales. After that, his paychecks were large enough that I would just send my part and he said he’d take care of any payments. During that time we went on numerous vacations and even adopted families for Christmas that were affected by a natural disaster. Spending money left and right.
Skip to 02/2025, and I finally opened a letter since we were getting so many. Every time one would come in, he would say he paid for it and not to worry. I don’t pry, but the volume of letters we were receiving was astronomical. I opened the letter to find out we haven’t had a payment go through since September of 2024. He said it wasn’t right and that he’d call. Two weeks later I asked again, he said he did call and they said it was taken care of.
Next thing you know we’re getting certified mail that we are heading towards foreclosure. At this point we’re 7 months behind on payments and we qualified for a lien instead of foreclosure. Something to celebrate in comparison to losing our home.
Jumping ahead… I didn’t yell, I definitely cried but I just said he was smarter than that. How could he not see the money not coming out? Or not seeing any type of confirmation? Anytime I brought up our bills he’d just say it was taken care of.
Well, apparently I’m not allowed to be mad at the situation. That it was taken care of now and he will pay back the lien and I can’t mention it without him getting offended. I’m not even mad about the payments, shoot I have ADHD and this is something I could have done in my past. I’m angry about the lying. AITA for wanting an apology? I feel like I’ve been extremely supportive while holding him accountable but am I being too harsh?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I can’t decide if I should have opened up his private mail, but without it we would have been too late on saving our home.
I can be considered the asshole by intruding on his mail, and also for wanting an apology for the lies. Am I putting too much pressure on him?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
It’s time to sit down and go over the entire budget, and stop handing him your money.
He’s not managing money well, and he’s refusing to acknowledge it.
And you have literally no idea how deep this issue goes.
If he’s not willing to pull out the bank books and show you everything, then you are being lied to.
And why do you give him every cent you make??
If he makes three times what you make, and he purchased the house before you were married and your name is not on the deed, nor the mortgage, then there needs to be a better way to split the bills, so that you have the ability to put some money aside for yourself.
That’s not to say that you don’t have a responsibility to pay a part of the costs of the home – you do live there.
But you also should not be handing over every cent you make like you’re living in 1953.
It makes a difference if you have a prenuptial agreement and aren’t stuck with your partner’s financial problems. Nevertheless, I think you should talk about everything in a relationship, especially money. Your partner doesn’t seem reliable to me, and I wouldn’t rule out a pyramid scheme. Be careful who you’re committing to forever.
So, a friend just told you this story. How’d you respond?
This is a major breach of trust and he does not get to dismiss your concerns.
Either he opens up, shares everything again and rebuilds trust, with or without couples counseling, or he just delivered a major blow to the foundation of trust under your relationship.
And that heads quickly towards more definitive outcomes.
NTA. You have every right to be angry. He has been lying to you. And you deserve some answers.
NTA. He didn’t “not notice.” He’s been blatantly lying. This is a big fucking deal. If this were me, he’d be losing all monetary control and I’d be taking over.
If the money is not going to the mortgage, where is it going?
Is he secretly NOT making the amount he says he is?
If not – is he gambling? Spending it on porn, prostitutes, drugs?
There’s a bigger lie here, I guarantee it.
NTA. He is lying to you and has been lying to you for many months. He has put your home in jeopardy and has definitely NOT paid the lien now. He has probably lost his job and doesn’t have the guts to tell you. The other alternatives are worse, gambling addiction, secret family, mistress, criminal activity. Either way, you’ve given him your hard earned money and he’s squandered it and betrayed you and your entire financial future is in jeopardy. Only deposit money in your bank account that he cannot access and take over bill paying. Even with ADHD, you can’t do worse than he has already done.
Updateme
Um, this is a really big deal and you need to stop the “I trust him” bit and start paying attention. Does he actually have a job? Not “he told me he has a job and leaves the house every day,” but does he have a real job and make the money he says he does?
If yes, where is that money going? Do you have access to the statements? Is all of his money going in or is there some missing from the deposits? And where is the money going? Are there unexplained transactions or transfers to mystery accounts?
No, I’m not being paranoid. Your husband told you to trust him, even after you noticed a huge uptick in letters from the bank, made you feel stupid and paranoid while he lied and brought your home into foreclosure. And, no, he hasn’t taken care of it until the back payments are paid and the lien lifted… and, btw, whatever payments he’s making now will go almost 100% to interest first, rather than paying down some of the principal, which means you’ll be making payments longer, which also means more interest to pay. So whatever he chose to spend the money on is costing you more money.
Because… is it actually “taken care of”? How many times has he already sworn it was okay and he was lying? Why would this time be any different? NTA, but you will be if you don’t start watching every cent like IT’S YOUR MONEY – because it is.
NTA. Does he have an addiction? He’s lying to you. 7 months behind? There’s something going on. You will lose the house if you don’t budget together. You need to see proof he pays. He has to earn your trust. Start saving your own money, you’ll need it.
NTA. I am also married. I would check your credit, ask for his too to see what he has going on, ask for payroll statements, everything that documents what’s coming in and going out. Something is seriously wrong here and it’s time to take control to either figure it out together or to (hopefully not) walk away from this relationship.
YANTA, and there are so many 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I agree with the others that say there’s more to this story, something is definitely up.
NTA at all! There is zero excuse for this behavior and he’s is intentionally misleading you. You are married, your finances should be transparent to you both. Take back your control.
YTA. No matter what you discovered the letter was not addressed to you
There are major problems in your marriage
Do you have any clue about the family finances?
Do you know where the money is going?
I’ll bet there is a lot of unaccounted for money in your accounts.
I’m sure it would’ve been better if you’d just woken up one day and found out you were homeless.
Since he’s supposedly earning so much, keep your own funds. Should have a private stash way earlier. For a rainy day.
NTA. but you have some serious stuff going on in your universe. And you’re all by yourself, because you can not trust your partner.
You need to start looking out for yourself, because no one else in your marriage will.
Stop putting your paycheck in joint account. Put it in an account with just your name on it. Don’t leave the debit card where he can find it.
Start paying the mortgage yourself, with his paycheck. Don’t wait until it’s due, pay it when his paycheck hits the bank. You don’t have access?? Get it.
Gather and examine all your statements and bills. See if you can stop the bleeding. You will need a measure of cooperation that may not be forthcoming. Which is why you need your own money – you may be starting over soon.
Check your credit report. Put a freeze on your account. Check his credit – are there bills/cards you don’t recognize?
.—signed,
been there, done that, burned the t-shirt. (In my case it was a girlfriend who wasn’t even born when we got married 🤮🤮👿👿.)