So let’s start with some background. My (33F) family consists of my grandparents (old), my mom (50s), my dad (60s) and my little sister (29) and her boyfriend. We are all adults, have our own places, and pay our own way in life.
I’m going to be honest though, they are all poor. Like working multiple jobs, struggling to get by and can’t really afford nice meals. In contrast, I am well off. I moved out and worked multiple jobs while in college in order to be able to afford it andy life expenses. I had days where I couldn’t afford food, lived in a shit hole house sharing situation, etc. so I know what it’s like and how hard it is…
Now onto the real situation. We sometimes go out to eat, like a few times a year. It’s always planned by my mom as a “birthday get together” during my birth month. However, every time the bill comes out, everyone is suddenly going to the bathroom, smoke break, anything to pretend the bill isn’t there. So I end up paying for everyone, even though it’s supposedly my birthday dinner and I didn’t plan anything or pick the place..This year they tried to do this again, I tried to cancel citing low funds and ended up saying in advanced people should pay for themselves. Everyone ended up ordering less food, used coupons etc and made comments about me being off the hook… Also, I ordered a decently priced steak to share with my fiancee. They made comments and gave me looks… So am I the asshole for not paying for everyone and ordering a nice steak when they couldn’t afford one?
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So let’s start with some background. My (33F) family consists of my grandparents (old), my mom (50s), my dad (60s) and my little sister (29) and her boyfriend. We are all adults, have our own places, and pay our own way in life.
I’m going to be honest though, they are all poor. Like working multiple jobs, struggling to get by and can’t really afford nice meals. In contrast, I am well off. I moved out and worked multiple jobs while in college in order to be able to afford it andy life expenses. I had days where I couldn’t afford food, lived in a shit hole house sharing situation, etc. so I know what it’s like and how hard it is…
Now onto the real situation. We sometimes go out to eat, like a few times a year. It’s always planned by my mom as a “birthday get together” during my birth month. However, every time the bill comes out, everyone is suddenly going to the bathroom, smoke break, anything to pretend the bill isn’t there. So I end up paying for everyone, even though it’s supposedly my birthday dinner and I didn’t plan anything or pick the place..This year they tried to do this again, I tried to cancel citing low funds and ended up saying in advanced people should pay for themselves. Everyone ended up ordering less food, used coupons etc and made comments about me being off the hook… Also, I ordered a decently priced steak to share with my fiancee. They made comments and gave me looks… So am I the asshole for not paying for everyone and ordering a nice steak when they couldn’t afford one?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I ordered a nice steak while out to eat, and everyone else ordered cheap stuff because, since I wasn’t willing to pay for everyone, they couldn’t afford the nicer stuff. Should I also order cheaper stuff?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Honestly don’t know why you associate people who try to take advantage of you like this
INFO: If you know money is an issue for the rest of the family why are you not having a pot luck family dinner at home with a homemade cake? It’s a weird flex to order something expensive knowing others at the table can’t have the same. Have a backyard BBQ that everyone can relax and visit with each other.
How many times a year are we talking about? 3 or 4 I’d bite the bullet and pay for everyone if I’m that much better off. More than that and they can cover themselves.
Either way NTA.
ESH
While it is understandable that you don’t want to be taken advantage of and setting clear expectations.
It is not a nice thing for you to order a steak when you know money is an issue and you see people ordering less or using coupons.
So I would separate the two issues. Don’t accept any more of these birthday celebrations organized by your mom because the dynamic is not going to change and you will only keep getting frustrated / annoyed or behaving petty.
If you do want to celebrate with your family then you organize something where you feel the ownership and can define the budget and activity, so you decide if or how much to pay.
It sounds to me that you are a touch happy to lord it over everyone that you could get steak while they ate coupon garbage . you didn’t want to pay the fee they charge you for tolerating you. The fancy dinners are likely the last thing you do with the family. do everyone a favor and stfu YTA
NTA but honestly why do you agree to do this for your own birthday when it doesn’t seem like a comfortable or fun situation for you? Something at home or more lowkey could work out better. If elaborate dinners are your thing maybe do this with other people? Idk but it feels like you need to make a call since its your birthday after all.
NTA. You are well off because you handle your money wisely and have apparently a good paying job. You also know that it is not in your financial best interest to keep paying for a large group of people to eat out. Don’t beat around the bush about it, tell them plainly that you enjoy being asked out to dinner but, you don’t feel like you should have to pay for everyones meal, especially on your birthday. Let them get pouty about it, they know that what they have been doing is wrong but, continued to take advantage of you anyway. If it happens again, pay for your meal and leave. Let them figure out how to handle it themselves.
NTA. I am honestly surprised they came and paid their own way. I did NOT see this story ending that way. You handled it perfectly. You didn’t say you couldn’t afford a steak, you said low funds meaning you couldn’t afford everyone’s food. You never should have been expected to pay in the first place. It’s sad you even had to specify, but I am glad you did and glad it all worked out! If they get mad, that’s their problem. I hope you enjoyed your steak.
INFO…why are you going out at all with these people? The food would taste better with better company.
Your second paragraph sounded a little condescending and then smug.
You might need to adjust your attitude.
NTA. You’re paying for yourself, order what you want. I guess the one place you could be bordering TA is you cited low funds in trying to get out of it, and then it became clear that wasn’t really true when you ordered steak. Not sure if there’s a more diplomatic way to say “I’m done paying for everyone” though. They chose to participate knowing they were going to have to pay for themselves. Your mom chose the restaurant, seems like it would have made sense to choose somewhere everyone could afford.
ESH
If you are well off, then it shouldn’t be that big of a deal to treat your core family to a nice dinner out once a year. Why are you citing “low funds” as a reason to cancel the family gathering?
On the other hand, it would be nice if they could treat you for your birthday… But then, why would they do that if you are cheap and ungenerous in return? Seems like everybody could be a bit more gracious.
Nope NTA, you paid for your steak, you just couldn’t afford paying for everyone’s meal. That’s two different things. I would just avoid these so-called Birthday gatherings in the future. If you want to take them all out for some other holiday, that’s fine – but then you issue the invite and plan the location.
ESH. Maybe it’s time to do potlucks to celebrate special occasions. Or pick venues that people can actually afford to go to.
I assume you eat out with your fiancé without your family, that would the time to get the steak. You also aren’t responsible for picking up the tab all the time.
You did split the steak with your fiancé which was probably cheaper than ordering two regular entrees but the optics still weren’t great.
i thought you are well off… lol
NTA whether you want to treat them to a dinner or not. It’s always difficult when it comes to family with things like money, or even something simple like meals. I really wouldn’t have an issue buying dinner once or twice a year, but then I’m in a decent place in life.
NTA. Next time, just ask for separate checks. Pay your own way and let everyone else fend for themselves.
If they can’t afford it they shouldn’t go there and settle for something less expensive or at home. Nta
YTA. You tried to cancel and then you told them all to pay for themselves. OK, sure, makes sense because you’re low on funds. Sounds like your family understands being low on funds. But then you went and ordered a “decently priced steak” while everyone else was struggling just to pay for their dinners. Don’t treat yourself in front of people who can barely afford the meal. You can have a nice steak some other time.
I guess my answer is read the room. Making you pay unexpectedly for your birthday dinner? That’s just wrong. Ordering a pricey dinner when everybody else is unable to afford one and insisting they pitch in for it, that’s also wrong.
Since your mother organizes these, have a talk with her about more appropriate venues that everyone can easily afford. If your family doesn’t want to buy your dinner on your birthday, she should be honest and upfront about it. Nothing is worse than receiving a birthday treat/dinner/gift that is begrudgingly given.
Is your birthday special to you? Of course. But as you get older, you’ll find that you’ll rely more on yourself to set up special treats that you’ll actually enjoy that honors your day of birth.
I dunno, I am well off and I usually pick up the tab.
That’s the one true joy of wealth: making other people happy
If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it, so I guess NTA.
YTA lmao wtf
NTA. If they can’t afford to eat out then don’t there are other options so that’s on them.
NTA, but I would change expectations moving forward. For your birthday celebration (perhaps consider it your “real” birthday celebration), go to a nice place that you like with just your fiancee and order whatever you want.
You know you’re going to have this family celebration, so go in just expecting it to be low-key and not necessarily getting the meal you want. If getting the filet mignon ends up rubbing everyone else the wrong way because they could only afford to get a plate of pasta, for the sake of family harmony, maybe don’t get the most expensive thing. Think of the goal of this dinner as spending time with the family and not as having a delicious meal — that you’ll just do separately.
But if she ordered a steak to share, that means 2 people ate for the price of one…so not showing off…
ESH.
Why eat out at all if it’s causing that much trouble and resentment?
Invite everyone over for some lasagna.
Sheesh.
NTA but it’s time to kill this tradition. Tell your mom you want her to make your favorite dinner at home.
She’ll push back because they’re all enjoying the myth of the successful child but you’re not having fun and it’s your birthday.
YTA – for how you talk about your family vs yourself. Your judgement is disgusting and you claim to understand yet it shows that you really don’t. Do your family a favor and leave them alone, they are better off without you in their lives.
ESH a bit.
Your family, clearly, for organizing ‘mooching off you’ dinners.
You, for letting it happen, then playing victim.
Stop going for dinner!!! Say ‘no thanks mom, we don’t need to go for dinner, I know you guys are watching money’. Or ‘for my birthday, let’s go for ice cream’.
If she insists, just be real with her ‘mom, I know you like to get together, but I’ll be honest, I don’t really appreciate being left with the bill. I don’t mind paying for our wine/appetizers/dessert, but if everyone wants to go out then I think it’s fair everyone pitches in.’
YTA for the way you handled it. You’re in your 30s and should be more mature. (Your family are also being ridiculous). But honestly, why do you need to out? Can’t you have a bbq (your place or theirs), have a cake or whatever.
ESH. Next time, host everyone at your place and cook or have a potluck to which they all contribute. Or ask one of your family if they can host a drinks and appetizers sort of gathering and no one goes out to dinner.,
They shouldn’t surprise you with this and then the bill routinely nor should you eat a better class of Neal than they can afford in front of them.
So let me guess this. You know your family is hard up and have money struggles. Yet they still want to celebrate with you. And you know they’re cutting costs by ordering frugally and despite knowing that, you order an expensive steak?
YTA but this is even worse, this is downright trashy.
Find a different way to celebrate.
Esh leaning towards yta
They suck for obviously leaving you with the check. However, no one is forcing you to go if you wanted to cancel then cancel. I understand family relationships though and so this might be the only time you see them all. Trying to cancel with a lame excuse and knowing that they ordered cheap or with coupons while you ordered something they obviously weren’t able to makes you the asshole. You could’ve scaled down knowing that situation and the bs excuse you failed to use. There’s no consideration on your part even if it is your birthday.
NTA. You ordered on dinner and shared it with your bf. They make these dinner under the guise of your bday and then expect you to pay for everything. The entitlement
So if my family could not afford to order a decent entree at a nice restaurant I would either pay for everyone or pick a less expensive place to eat. How awkward is it to eat something fancy while those around you can’t,,,i would not be able to enjoy my meal.
Can’t you do the more expensive places on your own?
YTA
Maybe break the habit of dining out. Next time cook at home and ask each of them to bring something. That way you are all sharing the responsibility although you are the host so going to a little more bother. I think you would feel better about it if people were contributing and showing that they actually wanted to be together rather than wanting a free dinner. It’s never nice to feel taken advantage of so NTA on this basis.
NTA, but you can handle things better.
You are an ADULT. So decide if/how you want to celebrate with the family, knowing they don’t have a lot of money (and not letting them maneuver you into paying for more than you want to). You can keep it in line with what they do for everyone else’s birthdays or pump it up a little – just to the point that you are willing to pay for.
Do nothing with them.
Tell them you’ll pick up some pizza and everyone can meet at X’s house.
Ask for a potluck get-together.
4 Meet with everyone and just bring a dessert for all to share.
Whatever you decide is what you are willing to pay. Would it be nice if they paid? Absolutely. But that isn’t going to happen.
Yeah, you are treating them for your birthday. It’s better than them expecting you to pay for a nice celebration for everyone on their SIX different birthdays. (Which would be an absolute NO)
If you’re OK with that, then treat them once a year (within your limits) and enjoy. If you are not OK with that, that is perfectly fine, then hold firm that you don’t want to do anything for your birthday. You’d rather just stick to normal non-special hangouts.
When mom pushes to do something, be honest and tell her, “Mom, the six of you don’t have the money to take me out, and I don’t have the money to take all six of you out. If you are truly interested in celebrating my birthday, then we can just do the usual at X’s house and you all can spring for a simple dessert. I am more than happy with that.“
This is a situation where I think attitude comes into play and just reading your post made my eyes roll back in my head. Your family’s actions are not great, but your attitude is very much on display as well. Also, maybe learn some better communication skills?
I have to say ESH.
Tell your mom for your next birthday get-together you would love to have barbecue over at their house and you would pay for all the meat. Then go out to a nice restaurant with your fiance another day!
NTA Your family sounds entitled.
NTA being able to afford one nice steak for youself and fiance is very different from being able to foot the entire bill. youre not the one organizing these meals. whoever’s idea it is should be paying for everyone or making it clear that everyone pays for themselves. definitely stop footing the entire bill if you didnt agree or offer to do so ahead of time
NTA. It sounds like they insist on going to dinner hoping you’ll pay, and when you were clear that you wouldn’t this time, they still decided to go. That’s on them, not you. You’re free to order whatever you want, especially for your birthday, and especially since you’re paying for your own meal.