I (30F) have been friends with Kate (33F) for several years. I have a car and Kate doesn’t (actually, she does, but it’s in another state at her parents’ house).
I remember not having a car and how my friends and roommates used to really help me out. So, I often offer Kate a ride when we hang out, especially if she’s on my way, if I would be driving anyway, or if I know it’s difficult to get there from Kate’s neighborhood without a car.
However, Kate borrowed someone else’s car for the summer. She still kept accepting rides from me (tbh I kinda forgot she had the car) and never offered to give me a ride in return. She said something about not wanting to lose her parking spot, which annoyed me because I also have street parking.
Also, I used to feel more positively about my relationship with Kate. However, recently, I’ve felt frustrated with Kate asking for too many favors from me, and I’ve been trying to have more boundaries.
One day, Kate asked me to hang out and suggested we go to a cafe, where we’d never met up before. This cafe is near my neighborhood and it’s annoying to drive to because of the parking situation. I wanted to get some exercise so I figured I’d bike. It’s also very easily accessible by public transit from Kate’s house.
This is the part where I might be the asshole. I told Kate, “I’ll be there at 9:30” without saying what I meant by “there”. I wondered if Kate would assume I was picking her up. I thought about communicating more clearly by saying “I’ll be at the cafe at 9:30” or “I’m going to bike so I’ll meet you there” and I specifically chose not to. I thought, “She shouldn’t assume that, I shouldn’t have to say.”
The day came, I biked to the cafe, and I texted Kate that I was there. Kate was at home, waiting for me to pick her up. She got on the bus to come meet me. When she arrived, I could tell that she was angry with me but she didn’t say so. She said that she had just been waiting around at home and she shouldn’t have assumed. I said that I should have told her I was going to bike. There was tension, but the day ended on a positive note and we’re still talking.
I told this story to another friend and he said I’m not the asshole because Kate shouldn’t assume I’ll drive her around. But, I do feel like the asshole because I knew I could have communicated better. I think that I wanted to teach Kate a lesson, which is an asshole move. I also created the problem by always offering a ride previously.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (30F) have been friends with Kate (33F) for several years. I have a car and Kate doesn’t (actually, she does, but it’s in another state at her parents’ house).
I remember not having a car and how my friends and roommates used to really help me out. So, I often offer Kate a ride when we hang out, especially if she’s on my way, if I would be driving anyway, or if I know it’s difficult to get there from Kate’s neighborhood without a car.
However, Kate borrowed someone else’s car for the summer. She still kept accepting rides from me (tbh I kinda forgot she had the car) and never offered to give me a ride in return. She said something about not wanting to lose her parking spot, which annoyed me because I also have street parking.
Also, I used to feel more positively about my relationship with Kate. However, recently, I’ve felt frustrated with Kate asking for too many favors from me, and I’ve been trying to have more boundaries.
One day, Kate asked me to hang out and suggested we go to a cafe, where we’d never met up before. This cafe is near my neighborhood and it’s annoying to drive to because of the parking situation. I wanted to get some exercise so I figured I’d bike. It’s also very easily accessible by public transit from Kate’s house.
This is the part where I might be the asshole. I told Kate, “I’ll be there at 9:30” without saying what I meant by “there”. I wondered if Kate would assume I was picking her up. I thought about communicating more clearly by saying “I’ll be at the cafe at 9:30” or “I’m going to bike so I’ll meet you there” and I specifically chose not to. I thought, “She shouldn’t assume that, I shouldn’t have to say.”
The day came, I biked to the cafe, and I texted Kate that I was there. Kate was at home, waiting for me to pick her up. She got on the bus to come meet me. When she arrived, I could tell that she was angry with me but she didn’t say so. She said that she had just been waiting around at home and she shouldn’t have assumed. I said that I should have told her I was going to bike. There was tension, but the day ended on a positive note and we’re still talking.
I told this story to another friend and he said I’m not the asshole because Kate shouldn’t assume I’ll drive her around. But, I do feel like the asshole because I knew I could have communicated better. I think that I wanted to teach Kate a lesson, which is an asshole move. I also created the problem by always offering a ride previously.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that I took was that I was passive aggressive about not giving a ride to my friend, because I wanted to see if she would assume I was giving her a ride. She did assume that and she was upset with me.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta…at some point you gotta communicate, some times its not easy. Next time ask for sharing gas money.
When I started working, we were 3 roommates,
only one with a car. Whenever we went anywhere, we split Gas money, also by adding a bit more considering wear/tear. Whenever I borrowed the car, i always brought it back with more gas.
Your friend has been taking advantage of you, better start learning to say No.
Yta, you’re 30 years old. Don’t play games with your friend, tell her directly
My own bias is that I hate passive aggressivity so I want to just say YTA, but it seems that it sort of worked and so…maybe NTA
ESH. what you did was petty, Kate’s behaviour is selfish
“To assume is to make an ass out of u and me.”
By assuming, Kate made both of you assholes. You could have fixed it by communicating better. If you want to stay friends, you should discuss this. If not, perfect reason to break it off.
ESH
ESH. Her for taking advantage of you. You for intentionally miscommunicating to inconvenience her. You could have easily said “I’ll meet you at the cafe” and gotten the same message accomplished without having done harm.
No one can read each other’s mind. Was your friend taking you a bit for granted and thinking solely of her own convenience in this situation? Yeah, a little. She should have at the bare minimum, offered to pay for gas every other trip.
However, you enabled that behavior by not communicating your boundaries and then as you stated yourself, reacted in a passive aggressive way to get your point across, a point you never told her about to begin with. So yeah, you are also TA.
I’m glad it seems you both came to some kind of consensus. Communication is important in any and every relationship.
Verdict: ESH
I’m going to say ESH.
Kate shouldn’t assume that you’re going to give her a ride every single time the two of you are going to the same location, regardless of how many time’s you’ve previously offered her a ride, and if she is going to ask you to give her a ride, then she should at least be offering to give you a little bit of gas money regardless of whether doing so is on or out of the way.
You are 30 years old, act like it. Open your mouth and talk to her.
YTA
YTA
because your intent was to mislead Kate.
NTA, even she recognizes that she shouldn’t have assumed especially when she didn’t ask you
Two passive aggressive people behaving petty .. You’re perfect for each other!
YTA – you did it on purpose. Don’t bother trying to say you feel bad to make yourself feel less guilty. It went down exactly how you thought it would. Own it
You answered your own question, YTA for intentionally and knowingly allowing a misunderstanding to stand, in order to punish her a bit.
But, your feelings about the entire transportation thing with her are NTA, maybe consider in advance how to reduce feeling used for rides and burdened in the future, think about ways that work for you to say “no, can’t today” or “I’ll just meet you there!” or “can we just meet there? I sorry I won’t be able to come pick you up and drop you back off today, with my schedule” or even “hey, can you drive today? I’d love to check out the car you are driving” whatever.
Meh I understand being annoyed at her but this ain’t the way to deal with the situation. Just say upfront “Hey I’m tired of driving around and dealing with street parking all the time, I’m gonna be biking from now on.” That sends a clear message that you won’t be driving her around either but not making her feel bad about directly. But if you really think she’s been taking advantage of you then you should tell her exactly that in polite terms. So I’m gonna have to say to ESH
ESH. The issue isn’t the ride itself. Kate’s default expectation of a ride without offering reciprocity shows a lack of awareness and courtesy, and your accumulated frustration turned into a “lesson-teaching” moment, which feels emotionally manipulative to the other person.
You said you’re trying to set more boundaries in this friendship. You knew she would assume that you were picking her up. That could’ve been your chance to set a healthy boundary, but you were scared to sit with the discomfort of sharing how you’re feeling directly with her. So instead, you knowingly chose ambiguity hoping Kate would feel the consequence of assuming—a subtle, passive way to communicate frustration instead of using words.
The fact that you can admit, “I wanted to teach her a lesson, which is an asshole move,” shows emotional intelligence. But awareness without accountability can still damage trust. Friendships deserve clarity.
Not ok you to work out the details. She assumed, but have a sit down and tell her you are not her uber driver.
ESH – You were petty- You could have said, I want the exercise, i’m going to bike, meet you there. If she made a fuss- there’s your opportunity to voice your issues with the driving and how you feel unappreciated. She sucks because she is acting entitled. Talk your issues out.
NTA. You said you’d meet her there. There’s no confusion or ambiguity about that statement. If you were going to give her a lift you probably would have said you’d pick her up on the way there. Also, it should be obvious to Kate that the cafe was closer to you than her so why would you go out of your way to pick her up unless she requested that? Stop overthinking it, honestly you trying to claim agency for Kate’s assumptions is kind of the AH move in this. Neither of you is an AH although you have both, Kate more so, failed to communicate effectively. Take it as a lesson in communicating.