I have done everything. Everything in my marriage. I have supported his career, I have given him children, I have run our household. I have worked and made more money than him and paid bills in our life together.
When faced with marital issues, I have communicated, verbally asked for what I need from him. I have even suggested counseling (when he spent thousands on porn), and been shut down by him.
In our state, a divorce means we’d essentially walk away with what’s in our names. He would get his freedom, and I can guarantee he would willingly handover majority custody to me to get that freedom. And the money he would save in the bills he pays, he would pay in child support so his financial situation would not change much, if at all.
But, we also have a prenup. And in that, it says after 10 years, I’d get a certain amount of money. We have surpassed eight years already.
AITA for plotting a well-timed divorce to have a better outcome?
Comments
NTA if real.
If it’s not working but he doesn’t want to initiate divorce, and you have the capacity to wait, then go for it. Pre-nups work both ways.
100% YTA for purposefully sticking around and making both of you miserable just for a paycheck
YTA. Because if you’re really miserable with him, that can’t be good for the kids, and adding two more years of that dysfunction to their lives so you can get some money would make you an A.
NTA. Keep your chin up.
DID I WRITE THIS???????
If you can tolerate 2 more years……..yes, go for it. A well planned n well aged blindside will give you much satisfaction. Keep it quiet
Holy… this is some telenovela bullsheet! Yes, YTA, my goodness. Just leave now.
NTA
Yes, just another one of those who needs to justustify her actions, so she already knows she at fault!
NTA
You have taken all the steps necessary to avoid this outcome. Now there’s no point in hurting yourself for his sake, if he is not willing to step up to support you or save your marriage.
If your living conditions are horrible, which I don’t think you have indicated here, then is it really worth sticking out the 2 years?
OTOH, if you guys just aren’t compatible but living under a kind of silent truce, I can‘t say I blame you for considering staying for the last less than 2 years.
Damn, misery loves company. Yta
NTA
Good for you. You’ve already put up with the AH for this long. If you think the payout is worth the wait, get it girl. Sounds like you’ve more than earned it. Now, figure out how to stay at zen and find peace in this situation until it’s time to exit.
Time is precious. If you’re not and won’t be struggling, I wouldn’t waste two years of your life for a few extra bucks…
NTA
YTA. You’re stringing him along and pretending you have feelings you don’t for a payout. You’re lying about some of the worst things you can lie about for money. That’s pretty despicable.
YTA but plenty of people use their spouses for just money or for their own means so why should you be any different. People suck.
No. His play in putting in a prenuptial at the beginning of the marriage and now your play is at the end of the marriage to get a payout. That is if you can take it that long.
You make more than he does and will walk away with a clean divorce and majority custody and child support.
You already won.
Novel-Wishbone-8126
My husband won’t balance responsibilities with me
My partner has a demanding job, and a hobby that he loves and dedicates several hours to weekly. He pays the big bills (mortgage, car, ins) and I pay the smaller ones (utilities, food). All in all, we have a good relationship.
But he refuses to share the workload for our child and often, our house. We take turns in some small routines and things, but everything else is a fight. I’ve repeatedly told him that I’m drowning, that I’m exhausted, that I just need his help. He might help for a day or a week, and then its gone. And another screaming match ensues. Or blowing up in text messages, really, because we don’t actually fight.
I don’t know how to get it across to him and don’t want to face the reality that he just doesn’t care. How do you do it? How do you balance life schedules and making sure that everything from dropoffs to pickups, to kids sports schedules and laundry doesn’t all fall on one person?
It feels like everyone else partners but us.
a lot has changed in 4 hours.
YTA just fucking divorce already. The children are more important than your need for petty revenge
No. That’s why it’s there. People do this stuff all the time.
Now are you manipulating him to stay for an extra 2-years by giving him all kinds of sex and being the perfect fantasy wife?
At least try to make it work in that 2 years and let him know there will be consequences so it’s not a total shock.
It’s like a vesting schedule on a 401)k)
Just wait it out
Not at all, but keep trying…and make sure everyone, including your lawyer, knows you are trying.
Why put this on Reddit? If your husband sees this and puts 2 and 2 together, he may have his own well-timed divorce before hitting that 10-year mark.
NTA. Do what is best for you and your desires. Hope you get what you desire. Life is too short to not get all you desire. Sending good thoughts your way.
There is so much free porn now. Who spends thousands on it? Are their specific onlyfans women he was supporting?
Wait and cash in…
NTA
I know people who have waited to divorce until small kids are old enough for school or older kids have graduated from high school. Or when a car or house is paid off. When elderly parents have passed away. Or before or after someone gets an inheritance. He is free to file for divorce before the 10 year period. Just as you are free to file after it.
It hasn’t even been a decade yet? Your kids are still young. If you can stick it out, then stay.
Not saying that you haven’t been through a lot, but it hasn’t really been that long
NTA
Lol spending thousands on porn when porn is free is absolutely wild.
NTA and I’d start buying myself little presents. He spent thousands on porn? You get a Louis!
You’re not wrong for thinking ahead. If he hasn’t been willing to meet you halfway emotionally, financially, or practically then making sure you’re taken care of before walking away isn’t manipulative, it’s self-preservation. Timing your divorce to align with the prenup terms is a logical move, especially after years of carrying the load.
Yta. And in this situation I think that’s perfectly okay. He didn’t mind being the asshole for years.
Sometimes a situation requires us to find our inner asshole and embrace it.
Eta. Just want to mention that 10 years is also the line for when you could receive his social security amount as well, if it happens to be more than yours is in the end.
NTA.
YTA for wasting everyone’s time waiting out 2 years in an apparently loveless marriage.
I would examine prenup with your attorney, for starters.
How much money are we talking?
If it is a million dollars, OK, I am keeping my head down.
Other than a very large sum, could you make that money for yourself in 2 yrs?
YTA, you are lying to him and that’s going to have consequences you don’t want. As he’s going to call you out and hold you accountable for stringing him along for more money. You just don’t care because you don’t think it will affect your kids but it will
Your gambling cause he can also weight till he has secured his assets and dropped the divorce before year 10
If this is real then NTA. Hang in there. Make detailed notes and keep receipts of all the effort you’ve put in.
We cannot possibly know everything about this relationship, and things are rarely completely one-sided, but, still, a provisional NTA.
Super NTA if you get him to try to make it work, together. It is different, and maybe harder than, doing it all yourself. Doing it all yourself may have built some bad habits on both sides, and certainly resentment. It might be a good use of 2 years.
That may not be in the cards for you, but, it seemed worth mentioning.
Good luck
Edit: sorry, edited while some were reading, apologies
Go speak to a lawyer now, and figure out how to put yourself and your children in the best possible situation.
Pay off as muck of your debt, get things lined up/ ducks in a row.
You have 18 -24 months to get things in order.
Good luck
If you can endure it and will find the lost two years a price you’re willing to pay for what you’ll get, then go for it. But it 2 years pickling in hate and resentment will warp you in ways the money won’t fix, get out now.
In the US a marriage of at least 10 years also makes you eligible for his social security (if you don’t remarry) amount when you’re retirement age (and doesn’t affect him or if he remarried). I’d think any lawyer would tell you to stick around for that (unless you’re unsafe), especially if you’ve been a stay at home parent.
Assuming that what you written is honest and truthful (listen to me? Sounding like a judge lol).
Then (if you are able) stay until after the 10yrs with my blessing.
Look at it as Payment for services rendered.
NTA
NTA…you already gave him 8 years, what’s another 2? You should be able to do that standing on your head! You earned that money.
Yes, and you know you are. You want out of the marriage, but aren’t going to leave until you can screw him over despite your kids. So yes, to your kids who you are keeping in what I can assume is a contentious environment, you are the a-hole
NTA – that’s the game with a prenup. Wait the 2 years but actually try to improve your marriage and save it in the meantime. Seek counseling alone and maybe together.
Yes you are. If you’re unhappy you need to leave now. This happened to me and it’s the worst feeling in the world. It’s not right and doesn’t set a good example for any children. If you have a son would you want a women to do that to him?
Yep, you very much are. But I doubt many folks would fault you for it, myself included.
YTA
ETA: after looking at your profile, you should try to find a new passion. I don’t think story telling is your strong suit.
You are NOT the a$&@ho@&… get him away from your children…
Nope not at all. This is how I am when in a relationship. I try every possible way to save it before finally giving up if it’s not getting better. You don’t owe him anything at this point and should be rewarded for your sacrifices. Good luck girly
If you wait 2 years just to get more you are 100% the are TA. Also you mentioned you make more than him, yet you said he would pay less bills without you so you are not even supporting your share. Also how come you earn more but he has more things in his name?
NTA- particularly if your children will derive the benefit.
NTA, mostly, if you are indeed carrying him, however, calling yourself an incubator doesnt help the cause – assuming you love your children. And giving up 2 years to score more dough – thats not cool either.
He spent thousands on porn? That’s pretty shitty, unless of course you started withholding sex first, then it’s easy to imagine a man falling back on porn. But I don’t know why anybody would spend money on it since it’s totally free.
Sounds to me like your relationship is pretty screwed up. I think you should just bail.
NTA! I don’t fault you for this. Based on your description of him being very willing to walk away from any real custody of the kids, gives me the feeling that he’d also be the type to nickel and dime any child expenses outside of the mandatory court ordered child support. As we all know kids are expensive, so if I was in your shoes, I would wait out the 2 years as well, as I would use that extra money to better the life of my kids.
You have no obligation to be foolish or to counteract your best interests.
INFO
Maybe, to yourself and kids. Is the amount of money worth 2 years of your lives?
NTA – at all.
OP, speak to an attorney. Find out what is the best case scenario.
NTA, sounds like you put in the time and work.
Nta but I’m also biased. (I had the porn issues in my relationship. It made me lose most of my feelings for him.) Good luck girly.
I’ll be listening to a True Crime podcast about her in a couple of years. Plotting a revenge divorce for two years for financial gain makes you a gold digger plain and simple. YTA
So you plan to lie to him for an additional 1.5 years to get more mone money, basically committing fraud.
YTA and that’s a toxic plan.