I (32)F and my boyfriend (34) M were on a dinner date at a nice restaurant in Jackson Hole Wyoming. There was one table behind ours, and beyond that a window that looked out onto the street.
During the date, I noticed that my boyfriend kept glancing behind me, even when I was talking to him and trying to make conversation. When I asked him what he was looking at he said that people were walking past the window in “crazy looking outfits.” When I turned around, there was nobody on the street, let alone anyone walking in crazy outfits. But, there was a blonde female sitting at the table behind me.
It occurred to me that he was looking at this other woman the whole time so I told him “I don’t think you’re looking at people on the street, you keep checking out the woman sitting behind me.”
To be fair, I am an insecure person. However, I tend to let it go about 95% percent of the time when I catch my boyfriend looking at other women, despite my feelings of insecurity. But this time I didn’t because it seemed to be excessive and rude.
When I said this to my boyfriend he became very defensive and said that I had “ruined the evening”. He told the waitress to pack our food “to go” because he didn’t want to put up with my behavior. I felt ashamed and embarrassed but also hurt about how my boyfriend acted.
So, AITA for calling out my boyfriend during dinner? Or should I have just taken his bogus explanation and let it go?
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I (32)F and my boyfriend (34) M were on a dinner date at a nice restaurant in Jackson Hole Wyoming. There was one table behind ours, and beyond that a window that looked out onto the street.
During the date, I noticed that my boyfriend kept glancing behind me, even when I was talking to him and trying to make conversation. When I asked him what he was looking at he said that people were walking past the window in “crazy looking outfits.” When I turned around, there was nobody on the street, let alone anyone walking in crazy outfits. But, there was a blonde female sitting at the table behind me.
It occurred to me that he was looking at this other woman the whole time so I told him “I don’t think you’re looking at people on the street, you keep checking out the woman sitting behind me.”
To be fair, I am an insecure person. However, I tend to let it go about 95% percent of the time when I catch my boyfriend looking at other women, despite my feelings of insecurity. But this time I didn’t because it seemed to be excessive and rude.
When I said this to my boyfriend he became very defensive and said that I had “ruined the evening”. He told the waitress to pack our food “to go” because he didn’t want to put up with my behavior. I felt ashamed and embarrassed but also hurt about how my boyfriend acted.
So, AITA for calling out my boyfriend during dinner? Or should I have just taken his bogus explanation and let it go?
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> Being insecure and taking it out on my boyfriend when he didn’t deserve it could possibly make me an asshole in this situation.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
it’s one thing to notice people you find attractive but when it becomes obvious it clearly means he’s not being present and since you guys are on a date together it’s pretty rude. His response really underlines that because he tried to turn it around on you and blame you for ruining the night even though he was gawking at another woman.
Absolutely nta. I always side eye people who’s first instinct is to defend and deflect. You are right and your feelings are valid. You should focus on finding your lerson as you heal your insecurities. You called him out his bs and that’s why he reacted like he did. U have to focus on what kind of future you want.
Sounds like he has no respect for you.
NTA.. that’s just flat out crazy behavior of him
YTa you don’t know what he was looking at and you immediately escalated from him looking at something and your assumption to accusations.
This is a sloppy way to ask him like “hey pay more attention to me and assure me that you aren’t checking out another woman”
NTA, no because if your boyfriend felt you got hurt because he was looking at her, he would of acted with compassion.
We mess around too much hoping people figure it out.
Be straight and vulnerable, “Looking at that other woman hurt my feelings”
Use “I feel” statements.
“I feel that when you stare at other women, you are not interested in me, and it makes me feel insecure in the relarionship knowing your attention can go else where so easily.”
Now… This is what will matter. How does he respond? If you are genuine in sharing your feelings like this and he reacts poorly or blames you, that is never okay.
If he acts with compassion because he sees it hurt you, that can open up a deeper conversation.
I am a man. Be vulnerable with him and see how he responds. Then you don’t need to worry about him gas lighting, or wondering if maybe you were wrong etc… None of that matters.
What matters is you expressing hurt and he attacking you for it. That’s not someone you can feel safe with.
Your boundary is clear: “You can look at other women, but if you do, it will make me lose respect and trust for you”.
Take it from me, save yourself a ton of broken heartedness – he’ll drive you mad with endless others, give him the boot, he’ll always have roaming eyes and imagine what he does when you are not with him – spent 10 years with guy like that (from 28-38) – wasted my last years of possibly starting a family, with him. It never happened, what a waste of precious time (and no peace). You deserve better, you got this.
YTA for making an assumption.
Also what are eyes for anyways
NTA
Sis, I totally believe you I am a man and my partner and I sometimes see attractive people on the street and we compliment them without them funda out things like.
me: “hey… See that muscular guy over there”
Her: “look at that girl looks like a model”
all that… It’s just a game and it becomes normal to us.
But even with that level of trust, if she’s telling me something and I keep seeing another woman, I assure you she would be furious, because it’s one thing to be able to admire other people’s beauty and it’s quite another thing to push you aside
NTA if he was being so obvious and then lying about it. He was being disrespectful.
NTA. If he wasn’t looking at her he would have said no actually and then pointed out who or what he was actually looking at
NTA. He definitely was caught, which is why he went to the extreme of needing to leave right then. If he had only been looking once, then he would have apologized for not focusing on you and then stayed looking at you, not the woman behind you.
You didn’t do anything wrong and you shouldn’t need to be insecure about either of you noticing someone attractive. You are both allowed to observe, and yes that includes you, the issue is when it becomes staring or completely missing your partner while focusing on that third party, which is what he did here.
NTA and I give you permission to break up
This happened to my dad once while out with my mom. She couldn’t stop looking at someone behind him. Turned out it was Robert Redford, which I think is one of the few times it’s totally acceptable.
NTA. Him throwing a fit over this means either you bug him about this constantly and he’s over it, or he just doesn’t like you very much.
If he was trying to make eye contact with her and get a date, that’s one thing. If he is just checking out her ass that’s completely different. To understand, go to the hormone doctor and get a big fat shot of testosterone. Then you would be checking her out too.
NTA
First, his explanation is BS, and YOU know this.
Second, you need to stop allowing him to plant the seeds of self doubt in you.
Grow some confidence… you might have to ditch the reason for the low self confidence in order for it to properly flourish though…
What I am much more worried about is this OP:
> … he became very defensive…
> … said that I had “ruined the evening”.
> He told the waitress to pack our food “to go” because he didn’t want to put up with my behaviour.
Those are what are known as RED FLAGS.
His emotions and actions escalated to the point he made you feel bad for his actions of checking out another woman, repeatedly.
Then when you chose the 5% of calling him out, he not only doubled down, he made you feel ashamed and embarrassed for his behaviour and he insisted on leaving.
He didn’t like that you tried to control the situation.
He was the one who was rude, he chose to pay attention to another person whilst on a date with YOU.
He was being disrespectful.
Having a mantrum when your gf calls you out for ignoring her and checking out another woman is quite immature.
Is this a pattern you see often?
You say he checks other women out often, why are you with someone who won’t pay attention to you?
Be present with you, on your date?
He needs to put some energy into dating you and not sitting there trying to catch a stray eye.
Only you know if this is worth repeatedly dealing with OP.
Best of luck.
Absolutely NTA. For one, if he knows him checking out other women makes you feel insecure, then he should NEVER be doing it in front of you. For two, it is extremely disrespectful to be on a date with someone and constantly check out another person, regardless of any feelings of insecurities. Finally, I’m sure that woman was just trying to enjoy a nice meal and probably wouldn’t appreciate your boyfriend ogling her all night.
It’s got nothing to do with you being insecure but everything with lack of respect you BF is showing towards you. From experience I can tell you it doesn’t matter if you point it out or not he’ll continue the behaviour because he’s a type who enjoys a hunt and you’re don’t have to be “hunted” any more.
Its best to nip this behavior in the but. Even if your bf overreacted, hopefully he reflects on the situation and does better next time. If I were him, I’d look down on you for ignoring and being passive so you did good. If I were him, I’d have a look at an attractive person but never disrespect you like that.
NTA
NTA – He was in the wrong, then he gaslit and humiliated you in public when he was caught. You say that you’re an insecure type. It doesn’t sound like your bf will be likely to be a positive influence on resolving that.
NTA- before you diagnosed yourself with being insecure, make sure the people around you show you respect.
Because that’s not respect. My husband has full on permission to do whatever he wants . He chooses not to out of respect.
NTA. Leave him.
“I tend to let it go 95% of the time”. Girllll !!!!!!! Get away from this perv who leers at other women so much.
It’s one thing to notice that other people are attractive it’s another to notice your partner is staring at other people so often you have developed a “go to” response.
YTA to yourself if you don’t leave him.
NTA for calling him out at dinner. He gaslit you immediately too…another reason to leave.
NTA and i say this with love, but you need to stop being an ah to yourself, and stop by letting yourself be treated like this. i was in a relationship like this once, he knows you will stay with him even if he were to disrespect you.
the only way to fix this is to leave him. stop asking us if youre in the wrong, you already know you arent. so stop giving him your power by questioning what you already know is true.