I (57F) have belonged to a D&D group for about 6 years. There are 4 of us: 22 (M), 22 (F) and 23 (NB) and me who play + the DM (56M). A few years ago, the group bullied one of our players (22M) until he ghosted us. The dynamic of the group: we all have ADHD (the poor DM – ahahahaha!) and 22M has a sprinkle of Autism and depression.
Now? That group is bullying me. What does that mean? Eye rolling at my decisions, grunting when I make a move, “mansplaining” my moves, talking over me when I am playing my part, and similar things. It’s not all the time, but probably 25% of the time. Same thing that happened to the previous player.
Last year, I talked to the DM and explained my concern. I also mentioned that the group bullied the former player until he decided to ghost us. He was empathetic and said that we would fix it as a group. I told him that my expectation was that I be part of the conversation.
The next time we met? I said I had to be done by 9:00 (work the next day). 9:00 rolled around. No conversation. I looked at him and said I could stay until 10:00. Still no conversation. I said I had to go and packed up my stuff. RIGHT AFTER I LEFT – they had the conversation. Two of the players said that I was over-reacting and that they were just playing and having fun. The DM agreed – kind of throwing me under the bus (when he and I talked, there was no mention of how he felt about my participation). I was hearing this in the moment from the 22F who (according to her) was dumbfounded about their reaction and leaving me out of the conversation.
I waited a day and sent a text that said (I am paraphrasing) “I don’t appreciate the group having a conversation about how I feel without me being there.” The DM and 22F are my “framily,” so there is hesitation on my part to be more assertive.
Since then, one member has dropped out (and is still chatting with the DM) – the 22M with adhd/autism/depression. He is saying he needs to take care of himself, which is completely fair – but he hasn’t mentioned if it was because of the group and the group dynamics.
A few months later, we got together and the DM and us had a conversation about how to respect one another while playing. It felt “meh” to me but I honoured his attempt. Since then, D&D has been VERY sporadic. I am also cautious about hanging around my framily. I feel uncomfortable and, honestly, a little betrayed.
AITA?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (57F) have belonged to a D&D group for about 6 years. There are 4 of us: 22 (M), 22 (F) and 23 (NB) and me who play + the DM (56M). A few years ago, the group bullied one of our players (22M) until he ghosted us. The dynamic of the group: we all have ADHD (the poor DM – ahahahaha!) and 22M has a sprinkle of Autism and depression.
Now? That group is bullying me. What does that mean? Eye rolling at my decisions, grunting when I make a move, “mansplaining” my moves, talking over me when I am playing my part, and similar things. It’s not all the time, but probably 25% of the time. Same thing that happened to the previous player.
Last year, I talked to the DM and explained my concern. I also mentioned that the group bullied the former player until he decided to ghost us. He was empathetic and said that we would fix it as a group. I told him that my expectation was that I be part of the conversation.
The next time we met? I said I had to be done by 9:00 (work the next day). 9:00 rolled around. No conversation. I looked at him and said I could stay until 10:00. Still no conversation. I said I had to go and packed up my stuff. RIGHT AFTER I LEFT – they had the conversation. Two of the players said that I was over-reacting and that they were just playing and having fun. The DM agreed – kind of throwing me under the bus (when he and I talked, there was no mention of how he felt about my participation). I was hearing this in the moment from the 22F who (according to her) was dumbfounded about their reaction and leaving me out of the conversation.
I waited a day and sent a text that said (I am paraphrasing) “I don’t appreciate the group having a conversation about how I feel without me being there.” The DM and 22F are my “framily,” so there is hesitation on my part to be more assertive.
Since then, one member has dropped out (and is still chatting with the DM) – the 22M with adhd/autism/depression. He is saying he needs to take care of himself, which is completely fair – but he hasn’t mentioned if it was because of the group and the group dynamics.
A few months later, we got together and the DM and us had a conversation about how to respect one another while playing. It felt “meh” to me but I honoured his attempt. Since then, D&D has been VERY sporadic. I am also cautious about hanging around my framily. I feel uncomfortable and, honestly, a little betrayed.
AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think that I might be the asshole because I brought up that I don’t like being bullied by the group and the group imploded.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, this is a thing you’re doing for fun and you’re not having fun.
Are you seriously asking if you’re the asshole for bringing up you don’t wish them to continue doing things that feel like bullying? At age 57?
NTA but high time to grow up. Putting up with what feels like bullying in order to stay in a club is middle school drama.
NTA but it is quite creepy for a 57 year old to be spending so much time in groups with 22-23 year olds, and I think they might be expressing their frustration
This is giving me vibes of Stingray from Cobra Kai…
You need to find a group to game with that is a better fit. You are mid 50s playing with people dramatically younger and in different stages of life than you. They haven’t even fully developed their cerebral cortexes yet. That may also be adding to their exuberance and excitement. What you see as “bullying” is just how they play. I’ve honestly never seen a D&D campaign where people didn’t talk/make jokes during others turns.
“He is saying he needs to take care of himself, which is completely fair – but he hasn’t mentioned if it was because of the group and the group dynamics
He doesn’t need to. You aren’t entitled to info on his mental health.
I mean it doesn’t sound like anything approaching fun. Go do something else with your spare time.
So… the bullying was fine and you didn’t feel any need to talk to the DM about it until it was pointed at you? Go apologize to the other guy on your way out the door. Like just stop engaging with it. You’re a whole adult and you’re letting these kids drag you into the middle school drama pit and you can instead simply not do that.
Sounds like you guys were playing together because you guys all know each other through family connections and close “framily” stuff. It also sounds like you started playing when the younger ones were teenagers and now they’re in their 20s. This was something of convenience where you had a lot more power when they started and now they’ve grown up into adults.
I think this group has outgrown itself. The younger people need to start playing with others, and I think you and/or the GM should probably look at joining a separate group as well.
Maybe you should have a get together to plan and end to your group and have a send off party or something. Make it official and have it be the end of an era.
Then find another group to play with.
NTA but “framily” is a horrible term and has no place in society.
NTA
No DnD is better than bad DnD, and the same goes for all the RPGs, boardgames, and whatever you do on your spare time. Find another a gamer group. There are tons, especially if you are open on VTT sessions.