My cousin is annoyingly bossy and has somehow assigned herself “family manager”. It’s been 12 hours since the death. My mom initially made a post (the daughter-in-law) and was told by my dad to take it down after hearing that this cousin became upset by it. My mom messaged my cousin’s mom and my aunt said she had no problem with it.
I waited 12 hours, then made my own post honoring my grandmother. It has been liked by several other cousins (the upset cousin’s siblings), but then I get a message from the cousin’s daughter (my second cousin) asking me to remove it because “all family members have not been notified yet”.
Idk what the appropriate time is to notify “all family members” or who that even entails, but literally all of my aunts and uncles know, as well as my first cousins. So I have no idea who these people are that they are waiting on, or if they are waiting on anyone at all.
I decided to leave my post up because this cousin has a history of being controlling and problematic, and I can’t help but feel like this is just another manifestation of that. AITA?
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My cousin is annoyingly bossy and has somehow assigned herself “family manager”. It’s been 12 hours since the death. My mom initially made a post (the daughter-in-law) and was told by my dad to take it down after hearing that this cousin became upset by it. My mom messaged my cousin’s mom and my aunt said she had no problem with it.
I waited 12 hours, then made my own post honoring my grandmother. It has been liked by several other cousins (the upset cousin’s siblings), but then I get a message from the cousin’s daughter (my second cousin) asking me to remove it because “all family members have not been notified yet”.
Idk what the appropriate time is to notify “all family members” or who that even entails, but literally all of my aunts and uncles know, as well as my first cousins. So I have no idea who these people are that they are waiting on, or if they are waiting on anyone at all.
I decided to leave my post up because this cousin has a history of being controlling and problematic, and I can’t help but feel like this is just another manifestation of that. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was posting on social media about my grandmother’s passing. I waited 12 hours after her death, confirmed that all of my aunts, uncles, and first cousins had been informed, and then made a personal tribute post. I believe I might be the asshole because a second cousin messaged me asking me to take the post down, claiming that not “everyone” had been told yet. She and her mother (my cousin) often try to control how the family handles things, and I chose not to comply. I’m wondering if I was wrong to prioritize my grief and expression over her request.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. She asked you to not post and gave a reasonable explanation as to why. You did it anyway. You should have checked in with the cousin first, it’s a small kindness. Finding out about a relative’s death via Facebook post is jarring, to say the least.
Why is your family so insistent on making social media posts immediately after a death? That seems… strange to me. Give people time to hear this news through warmer, more personal channels. YTA
INFO: How old is your cousin? How old are you?
Why is there a competition to run this obituary? Is anyone mourning the loss of a mother and grandmother?
YTA I learned of a family members death when another family member posted about it on social media. It was an awful way to find out. You didn’t even wait a full day. Older family members may be difficult to contact.
NAH
Honestly, you’re probably in the wrong, but I’ve dealt with enough “family manager” bullshit to not care.
YTA, posting publicly about a death when not even all the family had been notified is shitty. Talk to a friend or family member.
ESH. I know this might be unpopular, but as someone who was notified via a fb post to the death of my grandfather, I wouldnt wish that on anyone. 12 hours? Wait a few days. People should be allowed to mourn in peace without being bombarded by private messages. There may be custody differences or vacations preventing speedy notification. The cousin shouldn’t be bossy, but honestly, is a post necessary only 12 hours into grief?
YTA I’m sorry for your loss, but your post that soon was not necessary. You waited 12 hours – that’s an incredibly short amount of time, and no, it’s likely there are some family members or close friends who have not been notified yet. I understand you feel it helped you process it, but it’s caused another family member problems, and now with you asking people about it and everyone monitoring each other’s social media, the focus has become the posts, not your grandmother.
It’s really weird and frankly gross how obsessed you’re being about this. The body’s not even cold yet but you just can’t wait to get online and post about it. Why? For attention? For internet points? You don’t need to post about this AT ALL, but especially less than a day after! Is this really the kind of person you want to be? YTA
NTA. You are free to post anything you want. This cousin has no rights, entitlement, or control over you and if you wish to post anything. It is your way of dealing with things and does not concern them. They are using the family members thing as an excuse to control things so ignore them.
Family should not be learning of a death through a social media post
YTA for not waiting longer. No one wants to find that out on social media.
My friend’s family member recently passed away and she waited three or four days to put it on socials. Not saying you have to wait that long, but 12-24 hours might not be long enough.
Redditors are such ghouls. Interesting that none of those tsk tsk-ing about finding out about a death via SM are acknowledging the part where OP says that everybody’s been notified.
NTA.
YTA because not everyone has been notified. I found out my grandmother died from a cousin’s Facebook post just a few hours after her death. I was devastated. Had to call my mother sobbing, to have her confirm that, yes, her mother had died. Then had to walk into my bosses office with teary, bloodshot eyes and a runny nose asking to go home. Then had to control my grief so I could safely drive home and grieve in private.
Your remembrance post can wait until everyone has been told.
Nta it’s pretty messed up that anyone was still uninformed
NTA – You did nothing wrong, if they bring it up again, tell them that they don’t control you or what you post. Block them..
NTA.
YTA At the bare minimum 24 hours is reasonable to wait. You have no idea how many people she may know about that you don’t. Additionally social media is not that important. You can honor your grandmother in better and more important ways than posting on social media. You gave no thought to the person who may possibly turn on their computer and find out about their friend’s death because you couldn’t wait one full day to post on social media. I’m sorry that’s not grief that’s just selfishness.
Your grandmothers children (i.e. Your dad) get to decide when to post on socials. If your aunt is a daughter and says all family has been notified and is happy for your post, keep it up. They may want to do an Obit first, or still waiting for family to arrive before contacting friends/telling the public. Your cousin isnt the matriarch, so dont listen to her.
I don’t understand what the fascination is about posting deaths on social media. Does no one own an actual phone? Death notifications should be personal and not performative. Anniversary of a death, maybe a post of a fond memory, but FFS stop posting death news to social media before having the decency of notifying people actually interested in attending a funeral for their loved one.
Personally I think your mum posting was completely inappropriate – she’s not actually a relative, she’s just an in-law and she should have left the post to your grandmas children – and you posting after only 24 hours was a bit insensitive. It takes more than 24 hours to contact everyone. Immediate family will know within the first few hours but extended family and even close friends take longer and it is just inconsiderate to tell people via social media.
In general I think the first memorial post should be a joint or agreed post from the children or spouse – certainly not from a daughter in law and not really from a grandchild either. Soft YTA because I think as a result of both yours and your mother’s actions there are probably a bunch of people who received this news in a most insensitive way. I also think it wasn’t your responsibility to announce her passing, she clearly had children, and any memorial posts should wait until after the people responsible have had enough time (usually a few days) to disseminate information.
YTA.
You don’t need to post anything. Selfish behaviour with no real benefits
YTA. Why do you need to fb? My aunt did this and I don’t talk to her anymore because no one needs to learn about a family member’s death from Facebook
If it’s that hard for you to be a decent person, maybe delete your fb
Your cousin is right in that amount of time,There’s still people who haven’t been told. Immediate family will know yes, But your grandmother likely Had friends she was close to who aren’t as easy to contact or take extra step to find the phone numbers for.
And talking about how many likes Your post God feels kind of ick