Throwaway account. All names are fake.
I (28F) recently posted a few photos from my niece’s first birthday. It was a small, sweet, joyful moment – but now my parents have completely shut down contact, and I’m wondering if I crossed a line.
My brother Adam and I were estranged for a few years due to big personality differences. He also had a major falling out with our parents during COVID, and eventually cut off all contact with them.
A year later, he married his partner Erin. Neither I nor my parents were invited. I wasn’t offended – we weren’t speaking – but my parents were devastated. They only found out because someone sent them a photo from his social media. I gently told them life was going to keep moving and they needed to decide whether to try and mend things or come to terms with being estranged. They couldn’t keep acting shocked every time something happened without them.
Around that time, Adam started reaching out to me. We slowly rebuilt a relationship. I told my parents I wanted to try again with him, meet Erin, and be part of any future niece or nephew’s life. I asked how much they wanted to know. They said they hoped it would work out for me, but didn’t want to hear anything unless it was something public that could catch them off guard.
Then Adam and Erin had a daughter, Lila. She was born with a disability and spent time in the NICU. Adam reached out to our parents – told them what happened, invited them to visit, and said she’d need all the love she could get. They responded with sympathy, but chose not to meet her. They said they were afraid of falling in love with their granddaughter and having that used against them later. I was heartbroken, but I respected that it was their choice.
Over the past year, I’ve grown close to Adam, Erin, and Lila. They’ve welcomed me completely. I also honored my parents’ boundaries – not bringing them up and not posting anything online. They didn’t want people in our community asking why they weren’t involved.
So I didn’t post. For almost a year. But as Lila’s first birthday approached, I realized I didn’t want to keep hiding something that mattered so much to me. I gave my parents a heads-up and told them it wasn’t about them it was just something I wanted to share.
After that, they went silent. I texted and called, asked how my mom’s presentation went — no reply. I started to worry something had happened. Eventually my dad messaged that they were “dealing with” the post and hadn’t felt calm enough to respond.
I’ve tried to be compassionate and transparent every step of the way. I’ve never pushed them to reconnect with Adam. But I don’t think it’s fair to be asked to erase a huge part of my life to protect them from hard conversations. I love my niece. I want to live honestly.
So… AITA for posting?
TL;DR: I posted a photo from my niece’s first birthday. My parents, estranged from my brother, asked me not to. I waited nearly a year, gave them a heads-up, and now they’ve cut off contact. AITA?
EDIT TO CLARIFY: Some people have asked and I want to be clear that I asked Adam and Erin permission before posting ANY pictures – they actually sent me the photos to post, and have also shared photos. We all also have private accounts that only family/friends follow (there is just overlap with people in my parents’ lives).
Comments
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Throwaway account. All names are fake.
I (28F) recently posted a few photos from my niece’s first birthday. It was a small, sweet, joyful moment – but now my parents have completely shut down contact, and I’m wondering if I crossed a line.
My brother Adam and I were estranged for a few years due to big personality differences. He also had a major falling out with our parents during COVID, and eventually cut off all contact with them.
A year later, he married his partner Erin. Neither I nor my parents were invited. I wasn’t offended – we weren’t speaking – but my parents were devastated. They only found out because someone sent them a photo from his social media. I gently told them life was going to keep moving and they needed to decide whether to try and mend things or come to terms with being estranged. They couldn’t keep acting shocked every time something happened without them.
Around that time, Adam started reaching out to me. We slowly rebuilt a relationship. I told my parents I wanted to try again with him, meet Erin, and be part of any future niece or nephew’s life. I asked how much they wanted to know. They said they hoped it would work out for me, but didn’t want to hear anything unless it was something public that could catch them off guard.
Then Adam and Erin had a daughter, Lila. She was born with a disability and spent time in the NICU. Adam reached out to our parents – told them what happened, invited them to visit, and said she’d need all the love she could get. They responded with sympathy, but chose not to meet her. They said they were afraid of falling in love with their granddaughter and having that used against them later. I was heartbroken, but I respected that it was their choice.
Over the past year, I’ve grown close to Adam, Erin, and Lila. They’ve welcomed me completely. I also honored my parents’ boundaries – not bringing them up and not posting anything online. They didn’t want people in our community asking why they weren’t involved.
So I didn’t post. For almost a year. But as Lila’s first birthday approached, I realized I didn’t want to keep hiding something that mattered so much to me. I gave my parents a heads-up and told them it wasn’t about them it was just something I wanted to share.
After that, they went silent. I texted and called, asked how my mom’s presentation went — no reply. I started to worry something had happened. Eventually my dad messaged that they were “dealing with” the post and hadn’t felt calm enough to respond.
I’ve tried to be compassionate and transparent every step of the way. I’ve never pushed them to reconnect with Adam. But I don’t think it’s fair to be asked to erase a huge part of my life to protect them from hard conversations. I love my niece. I want to live honestly.
So… AITA for posting?
TL;DR: I posted a photo from my niece’s first birthday. My parents, estranged from my brother, asked me not to. I waited nearly a year, gave them a heads-up, and now they’ve cut off contact. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I posted photos from my niece’s first birthday after nearly a year of respecting my estranged parents’ request not to share anything about her. I gave them a heads-up, but they’ve since cut off contact. I might be the asshole because they had clearly asked me not to post, and doing so may have caused them hurt and led to uncomfortable questions from others that make them look bad in a complicated family situation they haven’t wanted to explain.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA as long as your brother and his wife were ok with you posting about their daughter on socials. They are part of your life. You shouldn’t be forced to choose between them and your parents
NTA for upsetting your parents.
YTA for posting pictures of a child online generally. That there are people out there, who still don’t get how dangerous (and disrespecting towards that child’s privacy) this is, is wild to me.
NTA for posting on your own social media, but ESH for making such a big deal over social media in the first place.
> I don’t think it’s fair to be asked to erase a huge part of my life
And you feel that’s what you were being asked to do? Posting on social media is that important to you? You couldn’t have hidden your parents from viewing the post? This all seems a bit dramatic.
NTA this was a happy event in your life the only people that could be upset would be your brother and SIL and since they didn’t see a problem with it you are NTA. Tell your parents you aren’t going to hide your niece and what you do with their family any longer and they need to deal with it.
NTA. Your parents had the opportunity to get to know their granddaughter and they chose not to do so. That doesn’t mean they get to dictate your relationships or social media posts. You have every right to share your niece’s birthday celebrations. If they can’t handle that due to the choices they made – that’s on them.
YTA – unless you asked the parents of the child for their permission. If they gave it, then you are doing no harm.
NTA – your parents chose not to be involved in Adam’s and his family’s life. But you are a part of that life and that’s fine. If you had posted pictures against Adam’s and Erin’s will, then you’d be ta. That didn’t happen here.
Def NTA. Honestly, ur parents choice to stay disconnected has consequences too, can’t expect everyone to cater to their bubble. It’s ur right to celebrate and share joy in ur life, sis. They need to deal with their stuff instead of putting it on you. Keep showing love to that lil one, she’s lucky to have you. 💪
Wow. Your parents are hard work!! If they don’t want to see things on social media, they shouldn’t be on social media. What they don’t get to do is censor other people on social media. You did nothing wrong. In fact, you went over and above by giving them the heads up.
The fact they would rather stay estranged from your brother and his family than accept his olive branch and meet their grandchildren, says a lot about who they are. So does the fact that they are that extreme over a single post
It won’t be long before they alienate you too. Stop protecting the feelings of people who don’t seem to care about how their actions make others feel. Post loads.
NTA
Boundaries are things you set for yourself, not things you set for others. Your parents set an unreasonable boundary and now they’re having an unreasonable reaction. That’s on them.
Your parents cut contact with another one of their children because you posted a picture online. They have issues. NTA
NTA They had a chance to reconnect and turned it down. It was nice of you to consider their feelings for a whole year but you weren’t obligated to do so. You had every right to post about your life, which now includes your niece.
If you don’t mind me asking, what was their fallout with your brother about? I also find it odd that they said “they were afraid of having it used against them later”. Is that something that Adam does a lot? Or is it something they just say? Your parents are waving some red flags.
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NTA. You gave them a heads up. No one’s forcing them to follow you on social media after that.
Info: what caused the estrangement?
NTA. As long as your SIL and brother are fine with you posting pics of their kid – you are fine. Stop trying to manage your parents expectations – it is their issue to navigate.
They don’t want you to post – that’s their issue
NTA. Your parents want to pretend like your niece doesn’t exist. They’re upset because you’ve now made that impossible for them. Sounds like a them problem.
You had the child’s parents permission. You respectfully gave your parents a heads up. You did everything the right way and there’s nothing that you need to apologize for or feel bad about.
You can not include certain people in your posts. Exclude your parents going forward. This isn’t hard.
YTA
Definitely NTA. It’s a very sad situation but your parents should just not interact with you online if they think they can control what you’re going to post. (I’ve been in a similar boat before — it stinks, I’m sorry.$
I had this with my dad, found him at 16 told him to do 1 at 21 after his actions and lack of asking about my children showed he didn’t care, my kids years later asked about him, I offered an olive branch so they could meet he didn’t even reply his gf at the time did and my older 1/2 sister jumped on his side “he’s scared to meet them and fall in love then never see them again” to which I responded “well he needs to make the effort then, it takes all of 5 seconds to message “hi how are you and the kids?” that’s bare minimum effort and if he can’t do that then f him”. No regrets on my part and kids know where they stand only thing i asked my 1/2 sister for was not to share any detials or pics (we have each other on Facebook and talk once a month) with him if i ever found out she has she can do another 16 / 17 years without a lil sister, nieces n nephews. NTA Dont worry about ya mum n dad their big enough and old enough to be accountable for their own actions just respect your bros boundaries and all will be well. Enjoy being an auntie
I’d need to know why the estrangements happened to make a decision.
I love how your parents automatically assume that your brother would use his child against them. Almost as though that’s something they would do…
NTA. You can do what you want with your social media. You had the parents permission to post. You did nothing wrong. Your parents are idiots. I suspect they haven’t reconciled because they’re too stubborn to accept they might’ve been wrong and so they hold their pain like a talisman. If they don’t see your brother living a happy life, they can continue to believe they were right about everything.
NTA!! They’re grandparents now and need to get over their egos and act like grandparents. As a grandma, I’m appalled at their behavior!!
NTA. But you know that your parents are, right?
NTA
Your parents made a choice to not meet their grandchild. They had every opportunity to do so, and they chose not to. Your brother and his wife gave you permission to post the photos on your page. Your parents chose to take it as some imagined slight against them. THIS IS A THEM PROBLEM. They need to decide if they want to be grandparents or not. So far, it’s not, BUT they can’t chastise you for their decisions! I would consider going low to no contact with them and becoming closer with your brother. Good luck OP and do everything to celebrate your niece!
You can hide posts from specific people. Why didn’t you just hide it from your parents?
NTA your parents sound ridiculous. They can just get off the Internet if they don’t want to see photos of their granddaughter.
I want to know why they are estranged though.
NTA. I don’t understand what your parent’s problem is. How is a child going to get used against them exactly in this scenario? Besides, it’s your social media account and you can post about whatever family you want there. If your parents don’t want to see the photos, you gave them a heads up so that they don’t have to look if they didn’t want to.
NTA
But now you know your parents have some major issues. Help them out by never contacting them again.
NTA – I think your brother did the right thing by not having your parents in his life. The one time he was facing something very scary and wanted them, they rejected him again. I suspect everything is about your parents and they don’t really care what you or your brother need. Go on with your life. Mourn that your parents can’t show up for you and your sibling the way they should in therapy. Be there for your brother and his family and build an authentic life without having to hide anything. You do not have to protect your parents from problems of their own making.
NTA. Your parents made a choice. That is their choice, not yours. You don’t have to follow their rules. You are a grown adult and had permission to post those photos. Perhaps they need to take a look at their part time n how things have played out over the years.
NTA and your parents 100% know that they’re in the wrong or they never would’ve asked you to not post online just to keep up appearances. No wonder your brother is estranged from them.
NTA. My mom has had beef with her sisters for a long time. It all came to a head about 12 years ago and she cut off contact with them. Then she decided she didn’t want to know what her nieces and nephews were up to so she deleted all of them from socials and got angry if I ever brought them up. Now she’s out of the loop and missing out on everything and it’s all by her own design. Natural consequences. Let your parents experience this for themselves as well. They’re grown.
NTA. Your parents need to get a grip. At this point their behavior is unhinged. Like you said, life is going to continue, whether they like it or not. My suggestion would be to do whatever you want, and stop involving them. At this point it’s up to them to take a step forward in repairing the relationship with their son. Since you and your brother are adults who no longer are dependent on your parents, what you do in any situation should not be dictated by your parents.
It seems like your parents are the problem NTA
Nta. Honestly has nothing to do with your parents. If brother and SIL are fine with it you sould be able to share happy and important things on your social media without worry
INFO: What caused the estrangement during COVID that would make the divide so deep that they would turn their backs on a sick baby?
The parents can’t dictate what other people do, only what they do.
I want to say this with all the respect I can: your parents need to grow up, get the stick outta their @$$es and learn to deal with life like adults, not middle schoolers. [Apologies to any middle schoolers that may have been offended] NTA
I stopped reading part way in. Get to the point quicker.
You have a relationship with your brother and your parents can’t/wont deal with that. They cut him off, and are cutting you off now. You posting a picture of your niece was telling them you choose your brother and his family over them. You had to know this was a possibility..
I’m gonna say ESH.
NTA It’s clear you’ve handled this with so much care and respect for everyone involved. Choosing to celebrate your niece and live honestly while honoring your parents’ feelings shows real strength. You deserve support and kindness for standing by what matters to you.
Your parents are really something. I and I do not mean that in a good way. They are clearly more concerned with what other people might think than with having relationships with their children and grandchild. That’s pretty wild. They’ve now cut off contact with their remaining child. You are not the problem, OP.
They’re the ones who made the decision not to be in her life. For them to act hurt over her existence is nonsensical. They’re being unreasonable.
So you’re parents don’t want to look like deadbeat grandparents to everyone they know. Not your problem. Your brother is okay with you sharing and it sounds like your brother and his family are an important part of your life. If this is how your parents are why would you even want a relationship with them.
Your brother and his wife approved the posting. That’s the most important element. Your parents are more concerned with public appearances (they didn’t want to have to answer questions). You are better off being low contact with them. NTA
NTA, and I think we’ve all got a sense of why your brother might have had a falling out with your parents in the first place.
NTA
“Oh no! Don’t post anything that may actually show how selfish and mean we actually are!! What will our church family think??!! Don’t ruin our reputation!”
If your reputation is a sham, you deserve it. If you need to keep your life secret, you know you’re not making the right choices.
NTA—your parents were offered a chance to reunite with their son and his new family, most importantly their new granddaughter. Their decision to not reunite and build a relationship with their granddaughter sounds petty, to love someone deeply is to risk pain.
My father and I were estranged for years, we reunited, he then developed Alzheimer’s. Watching him disappear was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced because I loved him. I would never choose to not walk through an open door to avoid potential pain, where I would certainly experience love and joy.
What a shame .. you sound like a lovely person .. your parents not ! How any grandparent can ignore they have a grandchild is so terribly sad .. and their son .. unbelievable selfishness
You asked the parents of the child in question whether it was ok to post the photos, and tbh that’s the only thing that matters. You are in your niece’s life and your parents are not – it is not up to you to manage their reaction to the photos.
Also I have pulled my judgey pants right up regarding your parents – the only thing they seem to actually care about is losing face. They are happy to not involve themselves as grandparents because they are megaAHs.
You are NTA in this situation.
NTA, you’ve already expressed to them that life continues weather they’re speaking to your brother or not. Asking you not to post is ridiculous, honestly. They’re not the only people in the world.
NTA but you can select to share to everyone except specific people so in future just block your parents form seeing your posts
I mean, you are not for posting but did you really not expect to get backlash from your parents? Don’t get me wrong, they sounds like jerks buuuut you posted about a secret niece on your social medial where friends and family can see and seduce that your parents are bad grandparents and you really expected them not to get upset with you?
NTA. Your parents though, make it clear that they prefer to die alone than accept other people’s boundaries. Grant them their wish.
NTA. It sounds like your parents are dicks. The reason they don’t want pictures posting is because they don’t want people knowing they are dicks. That isn’t your problem to fix. They need to live with the results of their actions.