This is a conflict that has been talked about between my partner and I for a long time, and I just need some perspective here. My fiancé Gabi (32F) and I (31M) have been together for 3 years and known each other for 10, but this happened within our first year of dating and has been a point of contention for a long time. I have this friend, Ryan, who has been out of the country teaching English in South Korea for about 8 years. My best friend Sam and I spent a lot of time with him in high school and in college. While in South Korea he got married and is really looking to settle down there for good, and there’s a pretty good chance he and his wife won’t bother living in the states. So, any time we do have with him is time we like to capitalize on.
Two months before Gabi and I started dating, Sam let me know that Ryan was going to be visiting the states, and he was going to be spending 2 days with us. He would be arriving on a Friday and spend most of the day with us on Saturday as well. I could already tell that Friday would be the day I could spend the most time with him due to the fact that the Saturday he would be here was a Saturday where I had a weekend shift for work, which is always busy because I’m the only American representative available on the phones that day. Fast forward closer to a week before the day of his arrival and Gabi asks if she could tag along with us to meet Ryan and I happily say yes. Well, that Friday arrives and Gabi arrives at my place a little worn out due to being stuck in traffic, since this is before we started living together. We’re waiting for my friend Sam to come back from the airport with Ryan before we all head to a brewery together.
While we wait, I get a text from Sam saying that our friend David and his girlfriend also wants to join us and he went ahead and gave them the ok. I relayed this information to Gabi and I could see that her energy immediately shifted. Gabi isn’t a fan of David because he used to be very immature and insensitive in the past back when we all used to hangout around 10 years ago. At this point she is questioning if this is an event she should really go to. I try to reassure her by saying that her last experience with him was ten years ago, and before I could finish my sentence to tell her about how he has changed a good bit, she angrily cuts me off and says “Just because it was 10 years ago does not mean my feelings are not valid”. I immediately back off and apologize saying that I know that and that he isn’t the same guy. I can tell based off the energy that I needed to give her space for a bit, and she tells me that she needs to think about what she wants to do. After 3 minutes of pondering she tells me it might be best if she heads back. I tell her that I hate to have her come all this way and not meet our friend, but if this is what she wanted to do, I completely understand and that I would call/text her later on to see what we can do.
Well, Sam and Ryan arrive 30 minutes later and then I get a call from Gabi telling me that she’s upset with me. She immediately begins to tell me that I prioritized my friends over her and that I let her walk away back into traffic too easily. I admittedly get pretty defensive and tell her that I don’t understand why this is all getting put on me when this was a decision that she personally made. If she didn’t want to leave then you didn’t have to leave. This was also a plan that was made long ago before we even started dating, and it didn’t seem fair to everyone that I’d just ditch them because she didn’t want to go. Gabi then begins to lay out how I could have offered to miss the brewery with them to spend time with her and then come back after they were done. That wouldn’t have been the worst plan in the word. I just wish that was an option that was conveyed to me instead of something I was just expected to know or think of. I also felt like I needed to spend every bit of time that I could because I basically only had one day with Ryan (which he arrived at 7pm) and every minute just seems multiplied given the situation.
I had spent 3 days with Gabi that week before this and I thought she’d understand that dedicating this one day for a friend I may not even see again in person would be important. She continues to go on about me not prioritizing our relationship, and we’re arguing back and forth for about 40 minutes before I tell her that we can talk more about it later after I spend time with Ryan. We’re out for about three hour and I decide to wait until we’re back from the brewery to text and check up on Gabi because: 1) I’m still pretty upset by our conversation and 2) I don’t want to be rude and ignore my friend who flew across the globe to continue a conversation that I know would be another argument.
I text Gabi when we got back to check in with her. She’s still upset and wants me to talk more with her after I’m done with work on Saturday to help repair the hurt I caused her. I agree to speak with her. That Saturday was basically the worst work day I’ve ever had with me being busy on the phone the full 8 1/2 hours. I try to text Gabi trying to reassure her that I’m not ignoring her and that I want o fix things as best I can. By the time work is done, I’m exhausted and I got to look forward to what was inevitably another argument, which indeed it was. It was probably another 2-3 hours in the car arguing about how I didn’t prioritize her and that she was not sure if things could work if I could not learn to prioritize. I told her that this situation was not that simple and that prioritizing each other isn’t always this black and white thing. Eventually, I decided to take the blame and move on. I did agree that I could have gone about communicating our issue and solving it a different way by takin her aside to see if this was exactly what she wanted, but I also feel like my feelings also were not put into consideration and that I was not listened to. This is still a topic that comes up sometimes and I just feel like I’m not being heard. So AITA?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: This is a conflict that has been talked about between my partner and I for a long time, and I just need some perspective here. My fiancé Gabi (32F) and I (31M) have been together for 3 years and known each other for 10, but this happened within our first year of dating and has been a point of contention for a long time. I have this friend, Ryan, who has been out of the country teaching English in South Korea for about 8 years. My best friend Sam and I spent a lot of time with him in high school and in college. While in South Korea he got married and is really looking to settle down there for good, and there’s a pretty good chance he and his wife won’t bother living in the states. So, any time we do have with him is time we like to capitalize on.
Two months before Gabi and I started dating, Sam let me know that Ryan was going to be visiting the states, and he was going to be spending 2 days with us. He would be arriving on a Friday and spend most of the day with us on Saturday as well. I could already tell that Friday would be the day I could spend the most time with him due to the fact that the Saturday he would be here was a Saturday where I had a weekend shift for work, which is always busy because I’m the only American representative available on the phones that day. Fast forward closer to a week before the day of his arrival and Gabi asks if she could tag along with us to meet Ryan and I happily say yes. Well, that Friday arrives and Gabi arrives at my place a little worn out due to being stuck in traffic, since this is before we started living together. We’re waiting for my friend Sam to come back from the airport with Ryan before we all head to a brewery together.
While we wait, I get a text from Sam saying that our friend David and his girlfriend also wants to join us and he went ahead and gave them the ok. I relayed this information to Gabi and I could see that her energy immediately shifted. Gabi isn’t a fan of David because he used to be very immature and insensitive in the past back when we all used to hangout around 10 years ago. At this point she is questioning if this is an event she should really go to. I try to reassure her by saying that her last experience with him was ten years ago, and before I could finish my sentence to tell her about how he has changed a good bit, she angrily cuts me off and says “Just because it was 10 years ago does not mean my feelings are not valid”. I immediately back off and apologize saying that I know that and that he isn’t the same guy. I can tell based off the energy that I needed to give her space for a bit, and she tells me that she needs to think about what she wants to do. After 3 minutes of pondering she tells me it might be best if she heads back. I tell her that I hate to have her come all this way and not meet our friend, but if this is what she wanted to do, I completely understand and that I would call/text her later on to see what we can do.
Well, Sam and Ryan arrive 30 minutes later and then I get a call from Gabi telling me that she’s upset with me. She immediately begins to tell me that I prioritized my friends over her and that I let her walk away back into traffic too easily. I admittedly get pretty defensive and tell her that I don’t understand why this is all getting put on me when this was a decision that she personally made. If she didn’t want to leave then you didn’t have to leave. This was also a plan that made long ago before we even started dating, and it didn’t seem fair to everyone that I’d just ditch them because she didn’t want to go. Gabi then begins to lay out how I could have offered to miss the brewery with them to spend time with her and then come back after they were done. That wouldn’t have been the worst plan in the word. I just wish that was an option that was conveyed to me instead of something I was just expected to know or think of. I also felt like I needed to spend every bit of time that I could because I basically only had one day with Ryan (which he arrived at 7pm) and every minute just seems multiplied given the situation.
I had spent 3 days with Gabi before this and I thought she’d understand that dedicating this one day for a friend I may not even see again in person would be important. She continues to go on about me not prioritizing our relationship, and we’re arguing back and forth for about 40 minutes before I tell her that we can talk more about it later after I spend time with Ryan. We’re out for about three hour and I decide to wait until we’re back from the brewery to text and check up on Gabi because: 1) I’m still pretty upset by our conversation and 2) I don’t want to be rude and ignore my friend who flew across the globe to continue a conversation that I know would be another argument.
I text Gabi when we got back to check in with her. She’s still upset and wants me to talk more with her after I’m done with work on Saturday to help repair the hurt I caused her. I agree to speak with her. That Saturday was basically the worst work day I’ve ever had with me being busy on the phone the full 8 1/2 hours. I try to text Gabi trying to reassure her that I’m not ignoring her and that I want o fix things as best I can. By the time work is done, I’m exhausted and I got to look forward to what was inevitably another argument, which indeed it was. It was probably another 2-3 hours in the car arguing about how I didn’t prioritize her and that she was not sure if things could work if I could not learn to prioritize. I told her that this situation was not that simple and that prioritizing each other isn’t always this black and white thing. Eventually, I decided to take the blame and move on. I did agree that I could have gone about communicating our issue and solving it a different way by takin her aside to see if this was exactly what she wanted, but I also feel like my feelings also were not put into consideration and that I was not listened to. This is still a topic that comes up sometimes and I just feel like I’m not being heard. So AITA?
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NTA. Gabi is a pretty big grudge-holder! The biggest red flag I see in her is she wanting to fight, not discussing things to reach a solution, or a compromise, and eventually let it go. She had a choice to make, if she decided she didn’t want to go, why is she expecting you to beg her? Or that you follow her? TBH that is a little controlling.
Me and my husband have had problems, but one of the main things is when we talk about something, and we solve it, compromise on a solution and agreed to let it go, we cannot throw it in each other’s faces later. It was solved before, what is the point of going back again and again on the same problem?
Run…as fast as you can
Oh hell no. Your fiancée invited herself to an already planned night out with a friend who was moving abroad permanently. If she didn’t like one of the other people who invited themselves then she did the right thing and removed herself from the situation. It’s beyond selfish to expect you to not go on your planned night. It was early evening and she’s a grown woman however if she had any doubts about getting home safely then she should have communicated that to go and got an Uber or taxi.
I’m a woman if that matters but to me this is entitled behaviour on her part.
NTA. Gabi needs to communicate better and learn to let things go since you also are a whole human being yourself, and also an adult. If David’s behaviour to her was more than you know e.g. Bullying, then she needs to tell you everything. Even at that, she should learn to be comfortable in your choice. Relationships are not ‘by force’. At the end of the day we have to know that we all have a choice to either be with a person….or not! Why is this event still being discussed 2yrs more into your relationship? Have there been other incidents of you choosing your friends over her? You both need to assess yourselves and determine where you stand and which crosses you can bear for one another. IMO compared to major issues relationships face, this sounds 5% light so why can’t it be gotten over? A bunch of self-assessments need to be done here. It’s a petty cross to keep dying on.
Whoa. Gabi sounds like hard work.
She sounds exhausting, way too demanding and unreasonable.
She’s selfish. She can have a boundary about not being around someone who may not have treated her well in the past. However wanting you to choose her over a friend who is moving out of the country and you will rarely see in person again is too much. Then when you were out with said friend she was making things all about her and distracting you from the minimal time you had with that friend.
Her actions were selfish and I would have definitely been rethinking the relationship. Good lord.
Gabi needs to get the fuck over herself. The entitlement and self-absorption is right off the charts.
If she’s STILL bringing this up, 3 years later, reconsider if you want to hear this bullshit for the rest of your life.
So this incident happened when you had just started dating….am I reading that right? Run. I would put my friend who was moving out of the country over a new relationship. And she’s a grudge holder. I would refuse to keep discussing things over and over. Seriously run for the hills.
This happened 3 years ago who gives a shit?
Of she’s still bringing it up……. that’s not great
NTA- She sounds like a professional victim. I’ve been married for 33 years and if I spent 3 days with my husband and he can’t stand for me to be out of his sight for three whole hours we would have problems. If he had done this when we first started dating I definitely wouldn’t have married him.
NTA, and she sounds exhausting.
I’m a 40 something woman and I’m tired and annoyed just reading this. Your girlfriend was way out of line. The fact that this is still brought up years later….I don’t know man. Are you sure you want to be with her?
Maybe try some couples counseling because if she is still harping on this ridiculous scenario that SHE created, this can’t be your only issue, unless you just let her have her way 100% of the time.
NTA Wow, after all of that, you really thought this is the person I want to marry so that I can deal with this sort of childish and selfish behavior for the rest of my life?
(I mean until the inevitable divorce, but still.)
Gabby sounds immature, dramatic and a lot. There is literally nothing wrong with you
Hanging out with friends.
This was years ago and everyone here is still fussing over it?
Yikes, tbh I’m surprised you kept seeing her after she pulled all that, especially when she pulled her manipulative “I’m not sure this will work if you don’t learn to prioritize”, that was your out right there. You’d just started dating but she expected to be your top priority already? She gave no grace for context, that you’d seen her 3 times already that week and you had prexisting plans with one of your closest friends you might not see again?
I’m a woman who has no patience for that kind of crap, for people who play childish games like she did that day, testing you to see if you’d chase after her and making you pay for years for not doing that. She’s selfish, manipulative and immature. Whatever her insecurities are, she needs to handle them already. She doesn’t get to dictate your priorities and make insane demands like don’t go see your friend for maybe the last time ever bc she doesn’t like someone else who will be there. She needs to get over herself already, that gathering wasn’t about her, she invited herself and didn’t like who else was coming, then don’t go.
If you intend to stay with Gabi, I’d tell her you’re not going to discuss or argue about this anymore. That she’s needelssly dragged this out for years and you don’t know what her agenda is but enough is enough. Frankly I’d tell her she was wrong that weekend, that she played immature, manipulative games about what she expected from you instead of just being straightforward and communicating like an adult, that she was selfish to expect you to drop preexisting plans with a longtime, close friend to “prove” to her that she’s your top priority even though you’d just started dating, that she could’ve conceded David might’ve grown up in 10 years and sucked it up and gone or just left like she did without selfishly guilting you over it, and that she had no right to berate you for hours (not sure why you let her do that) the next day, especially after a long day of work, over her own decision to leave while expecting you to read her mind.
Then I’d drop the rope and refuse to ever discuss it again. If she can’t handle you setting a boundary, and tries to guilt or manipulate you into playing her game of “prove I’m right and you were wrong and prove I’m your priority,” after all this time, I’d reconsider getting married. This girl needs to get a grip on her insecurities and her driving need to keep an ancient argument going where she’s clearly wrong anyway. What’s the point? She should take it up in therapy, but I wouldn’t indulge it anymore.
You’re still rehashing something that happened three years ago??
My friend, this is a scorekeeper here.
Please tell me she’s a fianceé in the you’re-not-actually-getting-married way, not the ring-and-a-date way, because this will be your life FOREVER.
Don’t get me wrong — there are infractions in a relationship that need to be thoroughly worked out and adjustments made, but those are usually somewhat life-altering levels of infractions.
This is not one of them.
If she’s still going on about this three years later, then you’re going to get blindsided in 2042 about something you did in 2025 and don’t even remember.
What the fuck made you think “let me marry this bitch”? Fucking weird.
I hope she isn’t such an entitled brat all the time, but even so, that’d be enough for me to leave.
NTA. She is very selfish. I would never keep my husband from spending time with his friends, especially since everyone he knows lives somewhere else. If they are in town, I tell him to go for it, have fun. If they invite him out of town, I might go with, but don’t expect to spend all my time with him. I can amuse myself while they go do things that interest them. I crochet, so I can do that anywhere, by myself, or in their company while they talk music/bands, or whatever.
You’ve been together 3 years, and this is still an issue from the first few months? You need to think about this.