My boyfriend recently told his son’s mom that he was dating me. We have been together a little over 6 months. She wasn’t happy I was in the picture now. She sent my boyfriend a list of rules about what I was and wasn’t allowed to do with their son, said I wasn’t allowed to come when he was dropping off their son at her house, etc. I’m a mom too so I kinda understood her concerns since she didn’t know me. Then I met her a couple weeks ago and we got along fine. It felt awkward and we were both noticeable anxious, but it went well. Feeling like someone doesn’t want me around their kid but still being around their kid is really difficult for me emotionally. Just feeling unwelcome is tough, but I can also understand it, so lots of mixed emotions.
Well recently I was hanging out at my boyfriend’s house and his son was on their way to be dropped off for the weekend. He asked if he could move my car so that their son’s mom wouldn’t see it and get mad and possibly take time with his son away from him (they don’t follow the parenting plan and he gets to see his son a little more because of it). It hurt my feelings and I pushed back saying “how will she ever get used to it if she doesn’t have to ever see me?” He ended up not moving my car and he didn’t lose any time with his son. But he used it against me recently in a fight as something he did for me to make me more comfortable. Am I the asshole for pushing back and wanting to keep my car there? Was I in the wrong for not just agreeing and let him move my car? I’ve never been in this situation before and I don’t know what’s overstepping or not. I do know it hurt my feelings and made me feel unwelcome and weird that he would ask. Help me figure out if I’m in the wrong here. Should I have just stayed quiet?
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My boyfriend recently told his son’s mom that he was dating me. We have been together a little over 6 months. She wasn’t happy I was in the picture now. She sent my boyfriend a list of rules about what I was and wasn’t allowed to do with their son, said I wasn’t allowed to come when he was dropping off their son at her house, etc. I’m a mom too so I kinda understood her concerns since she didn’t know me. Then I met her a couple weeks ago and we got along fine. It felt awkward and we were both noticeable anxious, but it went well. Feeling like someone doesn’t want me around their kid but still being around their kid is really difficult for me emotionally. Just feeling unwelcome is tough, but I can also understand it, so lots of mixed emotions.
Well recently I was hanging out at my boyfriend’s house and his son was on their way to be dropped off for the weekend. He asked if he could move my car so that their son’s mom wouldn’t see it and get mad and possibly take time with his son away from him (they don’t follow the parenting plan and he gets to see his son a little more because of it). It hurt my feelings and I pushed back saying “how will she ever get used to it if she doesn’t have to ever see me?” He ended up not moving my car and he didn’t lose any time with his son. But he used it against me recently in a fight as something he did for me to make me more comfortable. Am I the asshole for pushing back and wanting to keep my car there? Was I in the wrong for not just agreeing and let him move my car? I’ve never been in this situation before and I don’t know what’s overstepping or not. I do know it hurt my feelings and made me feel unwelcome and weird that he would ask. Help me figure out if I’m in the wrong here. Should I have just stayed quiet?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. Hun, you’ve only been dating for 6 months. The thought of some new person I don’t know spending the night at the house with my son while he’s supposed to be with his father… so much ick and uncomfortableness. He’s the parent. It’s his home. You made a mountain out of a molehill
How long are you together? Was it already the time to intervene? But if you think it was already time, then you are NTA. You should talk about it and stop bringing it up after that.
NTA. You’re just in that weird middle ground of “I’m not a stranger to the kid anymore, but apparently I’m still a ghost to the ex.”
Here’s the thing — relationships that involve kids from previous relationships are basically like joining a workplace where everyone already hates each other, there’s no HR, and the coffee machine is a custody agreement.
Your boyfriend asking you to move your car was him preemptively bending to her comfort zone at the expense of yours. That’s not “protecting his kid,” that’s “avoiding an awkward conversation forever.” And you’re right — if she never has to see you, she never adjusts. At some point, the ‘hiding’ stops being a courtesy and starts being a statement.
It sounds like you handled it pretty reasonably: you voiced your feelings, you didn’t make a scene, and in the end… nothing bad happened. The fact that he later pulled the “I did this for you” card just means he either misunderstood your point or didn’t like being reminded that keeping the peace with his ex comes at your expense sometimes.
You’re allowed to want to be visible in the life you’re actually living. You’re also allowed to not feel like a dirty little secret every time the custody handoff happens.
If he’s serious about you, his ex is going to have to deal with seeing your car eventually. Avoiding it just delays the inevitable and keeps her in control of the situation. NTA
I wouldn’t risk losing time with my child for anyone. Any person who could not understand and respect that is not a person who would be in my life for much longer. I’ve been in your shoes and personally made life as easy as possible for my partner at that time
Have to go with YTA. It was a simple ask and, in my opinion, if you cared about him and his parenting time at all then you would’ve acquiesced at the very least. Ex partners with children can be very bitter and make life difficult. It’s often not worth it when time with your child is on the line. As a mother would you allow your boyfriend to be a risk to your parenting time? Would he be an AH if he wouldn’t do a simple thing to make things a little smoother?
NTA. You aren’t weighing in on the situation. You are living your life honestly. It’s ok for you to visit your bf, abc you haven’t violated any of her rules regarding her son.
Your bf needs to ask for more time with his son officially, or abide by the parenting plan. It’s risky to be in fear of her changing things and that makes him want to hide you. That’s not a great feeling for you—or him. It’s not good for anyone.
Keep out of their relationship, except to tell him that you want to be openly acknowledged as visiting, when you are. And not hidden away. And advise him to revisit the parenting plan.
NTA. Based on his response and how he used it against you later on. you are not his GF, you are his side piece. Run.
Ish. While I completely understand where you’re coming from and can definitely see how that would have been hurtful… It truly was a simple ask from your boyfriend. It’s not like he was asking you to go hide in the closet or anything. You said it yourself… His child’s mother can be hard to deal with at times. I think it would be different if you guys had been together for a couple of years. But a couple months? I don’t blame him for not wanting to risk time with his child for a relationship that may or may not last. But he shouldn’t have thrown it in your face later on either. You’re not an asshole… You guys just have to learn how to compromise and communicate a little better.
NTA. He needs to be honest with his ex in order to have an healthy relationship for their son. Also, he has clearly shown you that he is confortable with telling lies. You should see this as a (first ?) red flag.
YTA. It is not your place to risk his time with his child or to set the timeline for her acceptance. You owe him an apology.
NTA but this guy isn’t for you. Full stop.
Nta. So if after you met there was no issues, why is he making on there’s an issue by trying to hide your car? This seems fishy to me?
I think your bf needs to grow some balls. His ex cannot dictate who sees the kid at his house. Because she doesn’t like is not a good reason. He should go back to the lawyer and sort this out. I would not give in to this behavior. I saw too many of my friends go through this.
Esh – I would move my car, but go home while k did. If he didn’t want my car there, he didn’t want me there
NTA
He and his ex need to work their shit out, not try and have you hide and pretend that you’re not dating.
This is immature, manipulative, and frankly toxic AF. And like his son also wouldn’t know and remark that you were there?
He’s playing stupid games and involving his kid in the mix. Consider carefully if that’s who you want to be with
YTA. Baby steps. This is his kid, and if he’s a good dad, will always come before you. You as a mom should realize that.
He’s getting more time than the PP, so he’s walking a bit on eggshells. You’ve met the mom, and you both got along, even if it was just polite banter. That should be enough for now.
If you can’t navigate the minefield that is the entry into a blended family, then maybe dating a single dad isn’t for you.
Ish. I get where you’re coming from however it could have ended up with him losing visitation with his son as obv they don’t have anything in place. Exs can be petty and obviously he thinks his ex is that petty
YTA I think six months is still too soon for you to be around each other’s kids. You’re lucky his ex doesn’t have an issue with it. The least you can do is follow his lead when it comes to dealing with her.
He’s just trying to keep their peace with her. So not an asshole but inconsiderate is what I’d say you did.
NTA.
Your boyfriend should never put you in the position of having to lie or hide, nor should he make you responsible for the dynamic between him and his ex.
If she has set a boundary that he thinks is unreasonable, he needs to resolve that with her and achieve a compromise.
If she has a reasonable boundary about their shared child, he needs to accommodate that and be willing to ask you to leave or not hang out.
But he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too, and he’s going to hurt everybody involved.
I wouldn’t call you the AH and I get your hurt. You have only been around for 6 months. You need to be a heck of a lot more patient and understanding. But this is a good time for you to decide if you want to be with a man that is going to have divided attention and finances for a very long time.
I’m going NTA. Because your boyfriend desperately wants to involve you in his weird drama with his ex. Why does he want you to act like his mistress or side piece, hiding from his ex? Why doesn’t their custody agreement cover this? Why is he willing to risk his visitation for a piece of ass?
This guy is red flags. Either his ex is a pain the ass, he’s a jerk, or both. This shit is gonna be miserable for you. Get out.
NTA and I am side eyeing your boyfriend on this.
He wasn’t asking you to leave, he was trying to hide your presence by hiding your car. Demanding not to be hidden like a dirty secret is completely reasonable. Wanting to keep dating life and parent life separate to not jeopardize custody until an arrangement is in place or the relationship is more serious is also reasonable.
What is not okay is expecting you to lie, expecting you to hide, or asking his son to lie.
Why is he not seeking a midfication of the parenting plan if they dont follow it? Giving her the power to pull his son away from him at her whims is not a recipe for happy coparenting in the long run. If you want a relationship with someone involved in mid to high conflict coparenting the only way it really works is to have boundaries and follow a court order to the letter. Otherwise she says jump, he says how high is going to be a reoccurring pattern in your lives.
NTA There are reasons that guy is divorced. You just found one of them. Park your car in your new boyfriend’s driveway.
Did miss read it? It seems like its only rule was not coming to .. her.. house when the dad was dropping the kid off. So why would he try to hide the car when her role was about her house and her drop off?
NTA for not being comfortable lying to the mother of his child about you being there but I think we have some major red flags here.
She expressed some concerns and set boundaries with her kid that even you said you could understand. His instinct to is to lie about you being at the house while yours was to abide by her rules.
Just something to think about.
Esh. Y’all need to grow up and they need to co-parent their child properly. It’s part of life in a co-parenting relationship. They’re going to move on and have boyfriends and girlfriends
NTA—but dump him. He can cater to his child’s mother. You don’t have to. Men who let their ex dictate what they can do, with who they can do it with, speaks of an unhealthy situation. Run and don’t look back.
If you don’t want to be made to feel uncomfortable being around her son? Don’t deliberately make her and him feel uncomfortable. You were your own worst enemy here.
YTA.
You should have said you’ll move it. Get in the car and keep going. Screw him.
It’s one thing to be worried and have boundaries with your child regarding a new partner entering the picture, it’s another to send a list of demands, the child’s father literally trips over himself to comply, and forces his new partner to act like his side piece…… Honey, show your child(ren) what it’s like to stand on your own two feet and not put up with utter and complete disrespect.
NTA but if things are going be thrown in face or you have to walk on eggshells. I say let it go. The relationship that is.
Sorry but Yes… YTA
.. sounds like he’s asked, didn’t demand
.. you previously agreed to honor this request
.. you say you have kids s you understand but you put your wants first and made it about you
.. you created anxiety for your bf and potentially blew off the ex, disrespecting both including the children ..you put yours in an awkward future position.
.. you missed an opportunity to strengthen future relations w Bf, his ex, and his child
.. it’s early in the relationship, you are at his place, not yours and it was a 1st time situation
Missed opportunity to…
..You- yes, I understand, I’ll leave for a bit, call me when clear
.. Him – call ex back, explain you’re here so give a few minutes so she can leave as agreed. She’s getting ready now and rushing to not cause problems and give us space
..Ex – has an opportunity to be appreciative, possibly say “it’s okay, she can stay.
Your BF is TA for using this against you but you started the fire instead of preventing it.
Good luck though. I honestly hope you can resolve this. I’d apologize in person to both if you want to continue the relationship.
Next time he asks you to move your car, you move your car and yourself back to your place. NTA