So here’s the deal. My ex-wife and I share three kids, and we’ve been divorced for a few years now. According to our legal agreement (the divorce decree), we split financial responsibilities a certain way. I pay around $1,200 a month in child support and alimony, plus close to another $1,000/month to cover medical insurance premiums for the kids. She’s self-employed, so she doesn’t carry that burden.
She recently texted me upset because she tried to file her taxes and they got rejected—because I claimed one of our kids as a dependent this year. She said she thought we had “talked about” her claiming both kids going forward because of past expenses I supposedly still owe her for (like dental implants for our oldest). But nothing like that was ever written down, agreed on formally, or added to the decree.
I admitted I made a mistake on the taxes and offered to let her claim both kids next year to make up for it.
She then launched into how she’s struggling financially with all the “extra” expenses—school fees, phones, meds, car insurance, therapy—and how she feels like she’s doing everything alone. I reminded her that our court agreement requires her to notify me within 30 days if she expects reimbursement for things like school or medical costs. If I’m not told in that timeframe, I’m not required to pay. I’m not trying to duck responsibility—I’ve always paid what I’ve agreed to—but I can’t be responsible for stuff I hear about after the fact.
I also brought up that I check in with the kids regularly about school and help them with homework and projects when I have them. I’ve even offered to let one or both of them stay with me more over the summer to give them a break, and I’m willing to do all the transportation for summer school and driving hours. My partner and I are happy to support them in any way we can.
Still, she ended the convo saying she feels like she’s “doing this alone,” and it kind of stung. I know parenting is hard—especially under these circumstances—but I’m here, doing what I can, emotionally and financially.
So… AITA for standing my ground and setting boundaries, even though she’s clearly stressed?
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So here’s the deal. My ex-wife and I share three kids, and we’ve been divorced for a few years now. According to our legal agreement (the divorce decree), we split financial responsibilities a certain way. I pay around $1,200 a month in child support and alimony, plus close to another $1,000/month to cover medical insurance premiums for the kids. She’s self-employed, so she doesn’t carry that burden.
She recently texted me upset because she tried to file her taxes and they got rejected—because I claimed one of our kids as a dependent this year. She said she thought we had “talked about” her claiming both kids going forward because of past expenses I supposedly still owe her for (like dental implants for our oldest). But nothing like that was ever written down, agreed on formally, or added to the decree.
I admitted I made a mistake on the taxes and offered to let her claim both kids next year to make up for it.
She then launched into how she’s struggling financially with all the “extra” expenses—school fees, phones, meds, car insurance, therapy—and how she feels like she’s doing everything alone. I reminded her that our court agreement requires her to notify me within 30 days if she expects reimbursement for things like school or medical costs. If I’m not told in that timeframe, I’m not required to pay. I’m not trying to duck responsibility—I’ve always paid what I’ve agreed to—but I can’t be responsible for stuff I hear about after the fact.
I also brought up that I check in with the kids regularly about school and help them with homework and projects when I have them. I’ve even offered to let one or both of them stay with me more over the summer to give them a break, and I’m willing to do all the transportation for summer school and driving hours. My partner and I are happy to support them in any way we can.
Still, she ended the convo saying she feels like she’s “doing this alone,” and it kind of stung. I know parenting is hard—especially under these circumstances—but I’m here, doing what I can, emotionally and financially.
So… AITA for standing my ground and setting boundaries, even though she’s clearly stressed?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I claimed one of my kids on my taxes this year, even though my ex and I had talked about her claiming both of them. Now she’s upset, and I pushed back by reminding her about the legal agreement and setting some financial boundaries. I might be the asshole because she feels like she’s doing everything alone and that I’m not supporting her or the kids enough.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Stand your ground and follow the agreement to the letter to avoid legal issues with your ex. Her difficulties are not your problem, that’s what divorce is for. NTA.
ESH
You made a mistake and it cost her, I would be not happy either if my taxes got rejected because you didn’t follow through on your word
Claiming both of them on the taxes next years doesn’t help her now, now she won’t get the extra money that she was suppose to get because you didn’t do what you said you would
She can’t ask for money that she never did the paperwork for
You could offer to go to court and change the arrangement so that you have the kids living with you most of the time and she pays child support. The kids wouldn’t want that unless you are living near their schools and friends, so you’d have to make adjustments.
Or you could both go to a financial advisor with both of your financials and let them determine if she is bearing more of the cost.
NTA
Why does he say both when he has three kids?
I mean, is she doing stuff alone? Are actually there to physically help her with the kids on a regular basis or no?
Not the asshole. You are sticking to the agreement and doing your part both financially and as a parent. You even admitted the tax mistake and offered a fair solution.
She might be stressed, but that does not mean you have to ignore boundaries or take blame for things she did not communicate. Parenting is hard, but it sounds like you are showing up.
NTA. You are already giving her two grand a month. Anything she needs beyond that she can figure it out. You are providing for the kids not her.
Anything she says you’re not paying for or she thinks she’s owed, hash it out and get it in writing so there’s no question of responsibility.
This just sucks, it also seems like you are doing the bare minimum required by law to take care of your kids. Do they stay with you at all?
The mental load and financial burden of having kids day in and day out extends well beyond court ordered payments.
When you “accidentally” added a dependant on your taxes, it screwed her over. I believe an accountant could actually refile for you so you don’t have to wait till next year to do the right thing. Also assuming you got a refund based on this you could give her the calculated amount.
YTA: Because you probably could actually fix this situation TODAY, but instead are trying to get people on the internet to validate you.
I mean, you should be staying on top of all their expenses without her reminding you to reimburse her all the time. You should know how much their school fees, meds and other stuff cost. It shouldn’t always be on her to take care of that for you and tell you afterwards. And you saying you’ll let her claim them all as dependents next year doesn’t change the fact that your mistake cost her money this year; she still needs that money now.
YTA/NAH.
You made the mistake that affected her taxes. So in regards to the taxes, YTA is the ruling, but you seem to know that, admitted the mistake, and offered a compromise which can also make it NAH assuming that compromise is sufficient.
Regarding the part where she feels she’s doing this alone: NAH.
You feeling stung by that is valid. You also parent your kids.
Her feeling alone if she feels alone is valid. You don’t parent your kids at the time she does. And if she feels overwhelmed, she doesn’t seem to have a partner offering to help. So she’ll feel alone.
Info: you say in another comment that you text the kids nightly and check in on homework when they’re with you. Exactly how much are they actually with you? Are you 50/50? What aren’t you aware of extra expenses like for activities? School fees? Medical expenses? Like do you know when these appointments and activities are and then think the money that pays for them just magically appears?
INFO: does she have primary physical custody?
Info – so if you know she’s had an expense that she can prove to you but it’s more than 30 days after the timeframe she was supposed to tell you within, you won’t reimburse her because she missed the timeframe to tell you?
YTA You’re “standing your ground and setting boundaries” AFTER you screwed her out of a tax refund she was counting on.
“She can claim both kids next year.” From what you’ve laid out here it sounds like she should claim both kids every year regardless so you telling her to claim them both next year isn’t some generous favor you’re doing for her it’s the norm that you disrupted this year.
I have no idea how one “accidently” claims a kid. You literally have to check that box and fill out info with the kids’ social security number to make the claim. That doesn’t happen by accident.
The right thing to do here would be to give her whatever return you got on the kid, aka the money she would have gotten if her claim had not been rejected.
I understand you feel frustrated because you are paying a fair share, and she dismissed that when she said she does everything. Yes, you help, but she is definitely doing the majority of the labor here, and that’s worth acknowledgment.
Look, I know it’s tough to hear but yea… while you’re “helping” it’s just that. It’s help. You aren’t doing the majority of the mental labor (so it sounds) Are you signing kids up for summer camps and paying the deposit? Are you making dental and doctors appointments? Are you packing lunchs and worrying about breakfast? Yes, you made a mistake on the taxes and you can amend them. I did it last year and amended so my ex could claim our son. Mistakes happen but you can fix it.
Also, she has to submit paperwork to you to get reimbursed for school stuff indicating you’re not engaged in school stuff. Sure you’ll pay it but are you coordinating and keeping on top of it. All of that is labor your ex wife does to support your kids. Maybe offer to take over something. It doesn’t have to be something financial, but maybe take on coordinating something so she doesn’t have to.
INFO: how often are the children actually with you and what does your court agreement say about filing taxes?
YTA
You messed up her taxes for this year. Given the date, she may not be able to refile even if you resubmit your taxes.
What you can do to rectify the situation is pay her what you cost her. Send her the difference in her tax refund/bill so she is not out of pocket due to your error.
You don’t get to be a hero for paying your child support. That is the bare minimum to not be a deadbeat and a horrible human being. Parenting is the day to day work. Singing your own praises for paying your support on time isn’t a good look.
NTA
The entire story about the dental implant expenses and the tax dependent claiming is strangely more vague than the rest of the story. It seems to me like maybe you know YTA in that regard and really want to justify it because you pay child support & alimony.
I’m also having difficulty believing you text your kids every night and yet you had no idea they were in therapy, or needed car insurance, or had phones (that you were texting them on??!!). You knew there were expenses and you’re relying on her being too stressed out actually actively parenting to send you the bills. It might be legal, but it’s also kinda asshole-ish.
She *is* doing it alone. You are subsidizing the work, but she is the one doing it.
I never understood parents who divorce and love away from their kids. So far so, that you depend on your ex to handle the day to day AND keep you abreast on everything? Seems unfair, no wonder she feels burdened
How many kids? You said three and then talk about two.
NTA. Sounds like she wants your money.
Did the kids spend more than half the nights last year with you? If not, did she file IRS form 8332 allowing you to claim the child? If not, you are not legally allowed to claim the claim the child on your taxes and YWBTA. If you didn’t have the right to claim, she needs to file on paper claiming the child, and the IRS will get back to you and eventually you will need to repay the tax owed.
YTA.
“If I’m not told in that timeframe, I’m not required to pay.”
It sounds like you are in fact trying to dodge expenses. Life moves fast, and citing bylaws / lack of written agreements about timeframes forcing your hand so you can excuse not contributing is ….petty and sad. Neglectful. On top of that, you shouldn’t have claimed dependents on your taxes and you admit this so you are wrong there.
Your offer of future labor doesn’t give confidence that you’re involved anywhere near that extent right now; you don’t get brownie points for things you may or may not follow through on. How can you help right now? Physically and financially?
I remember how expensive it was for my father to raise three kids on his own and while 2200 seems like a lot it certainly is not going to be enough sometimes. Healthcare was astronomical, not to mention keeping us in activities. Food alone!! We ate so much all the time!! And therapy wow the costs were high as hell. I can absolutely see why her not being able to claim a dependent when she expected to as the primary caregiver would spur this on.
In short, it doesn’t feel like you’re doing what you can, it feels like perhaps you’re doing what is the least inconvenient to you. And this is from your own post assumedly painting yourself in the best possible light.
Get ready for another trip to see the judge. She needs an increase of child support and alimony.
My custody plan spelled out which parent could take which kid which year. Te-read yours. It should be in there along with who gets which vacation on which year, etc.
YTA. You didn’t “accidentally” file a kid, there are way too many steps to claiming a dependent for that to be true. You purposefully claimed that child and screwed her out of money she was counting on, maybe because you needed the money? It doesn’t really matter. Either way, if they live with her majority of the time, she should be claiming them every year, and I know you know that. Your solution is not a real solution. The only thing you could do at this point is give her the tax credit you receive for that child in cash this year. If you don’t do that, you’ll remain TA.
This certainly doesn’t sound like a 50/50 split on parenting, and it sounds like you’re using “boundaries” in place of the word “excuse” for not doing or knowing enough about your kids needs and not stepping up to help more. Your ex may be your ex, but she’s still the mother of your children, and she is drowning. Is that the experience you want for your children with their primary parent?
Also $1200/month for three kids is $400 each. Idk where you live, but where I am, that’s pennies.
Soft YTA for lacking empathy and not putting your kids needs first.
YTA, if you admit that it was a mistake, then you knew you shouldn’t have filed for that child. Yea, I can get the frustration of her following up every month there’s an extra expense, but you can check in with her too. Instead you’re here saying you check in with the kids. The kids are not the ones paying the bill. Do better.
Sounds she is doing all the managing of things, sometimes things come up, you can’t expect her to predict all costs and then always give you a 30 day notice. (Edit: I misunderstood this, but even within 30 days afterwards is an additional task where OP only has pay and that’s it). That is not how life works, and unless she is buying things you think they shouldn’t have, I think you should not be so difficult.
Think you guys need to revisit them way this arrangement is set up. It doesn’t sound balanced the way you’re presenting it here. She is having to do all the admin.
Maybe not an asshole, you sound reasonable, but you’re really underestimating what this means for your ex and now you’re being extra difficult too.
How many kids do you have? I see 3 but then it is about both kids and then it states you’re claiming one kid… ???
Yta. Just because you didn’t abandon them like a lot of dad’s doesn’t make you that great. You only have them 40% of the time too. You text the nightly wow I bet that takes so long lol. How about you start taking them to the dentist and doctors and scheduling them yourself??? Sorry but what you are doing is not good enough.
Here’s on thing you say your kids are 16 and 17 and she can claim both next year but the 17 year old will be 18 so she can’t claim him right
Look into amending your taxes to make them comply with the divorce decree. As far as her rants, if you want to help her out, do so, especially if it benefits your kids. If not, then don’t. I recommend switching to a co-parenting app instead of taking calls and texts from her.
I think you might be better off checking in with your ex-wife instead of the kids on some issues. Secondly, while I appreciate you following the court “guidelines,” in regard to the 30-day notice, it might suit the kids (and ex) better if you ease up on this – like if she can show you receipts, be willing to split them, even if it’s past 30 days. Maybe you could offer to see receipts of all the “extra” expenses (even if they are beyond the 30-day) and offer a percentage of reimbursement, to be paid in payments maybe if it’s too much at once. You seem open and willing to contributing more if needed, perhaps another conversation should be had, one that helps to relieve her feelings of doing it all alone. Basically, the ball is in your court, and the kids would benefit from a less stressed mom! Soft YTA
Per the IRS, the parent who the child lives with for more than half the year( 183 nights) is entitled to claim them. Doesn’t sound like that’s you, since you pay child support. A parent can allow the other to claim, but have to fill out 8332 to concede their claiming of the child.
Based on this alone, I’d say YTA.
edit: OP confirmed he only has kids 40%, while spouse has 60%
Your divorce decree would also specify who gets to claim the children as dependents for tax purposes. Since I see in comments you say she has them a majority of the time that typically means she has primary physical custody and generally that means she is the parent that can claim for tax purposes. If your divorce decree specifies her as the claimant for tax purposes you committed tax fraud for claiming the child. And you “offered” to let her claim both next year? You should hope she “offers” to not turn you in to the IRS.
YTA
YTA. Paying child support and alimony on time is not a flex and is not the same as supporting the day-to-day mental load of child rearing. If she’s the one managing all the kids’ doctors’ appts, school fees, etc., she is doing way more than 60% of the parenting. What parenting responsibilities do you have other than paying for things and keeping them alive when they stay with you?
Your comments seem to indicate that you resent her “lack of boundaries,” but to me it sounds like she’s overwhelmed with the logistics of being responsible for all this and THEN add needing to do administrative legal forms anytime she needs extra help? Yeah I’d probably just vent to you too and not do the forms unless I was really desperate.
Your kids won’t care in ten years whether you and she followed the process outlined in the divorce decree – they will care if they were provided for financially AND emotionally, and they WILL see the differing efforts made by each of you to be involved in their lives. Sounds like mom is picking up the true parental burden that extends beyond finances. Do more and better.
Does your divorce decree or your custody decree say who claims whom on taxes, alternate years or not, etc.?
Do you have 50-50 custody or does she have primary custody?
Do you spend the time equally or is time spent more with her than you?
Rather than engage with your ex-wife, this might be something you need to file with the custody court, see your divorce attorney.
Do you have your children doing the summer?
She is not your babysitter.
She is a mother of your children.
She has a right to vent. You have a right to vent too. Sometimes all someone wants to do is for you to hear them not necessarily do something simply hear them.
Who gets them up in the morning?
Who make sure their clothes are cleaned?
Who make sure they home is proper for them?
Who is taking care of them when they are sick?
Who hears them when they want to complain and scream and yell and cry?
Who picks them up from school or drop them off for school?
Who else to make sure that their day is planned out as well as the children?
Who is more affected when the children need immediate attention?
Saying you will take them for, however, long of a time is different than actually having them for a long length of time.
They are children, they are not animals.
If one or all of them were with you, how would you rearrange your time?
Would you complain to your ex-wife if your children were with you and you felt that you need more than what is being given?
Would you simply want to vent to your ex-wife, the mother of your children in such a situation?
How easy is it for you to come home in the evening and yes, I realize you may ache for your children, for you to toss off your shoes and share together with whom you are with an evening, then go to bed, then get up the next day and start your day, etc. without your children that you need to pay attention to, to get them ready?
You don’t say, if you have children with your current partner, whether biological or stepchildren, I am using the thought that you and your partner have no children at home where you are now.
Whether we are fathers or mothers, we do ache for our children, especially if we love them. However, if they are with our ex and not with us, who has it easier in planning their day?
As for that 30 day notice, there must’ve been a reason that was put there. I could see you holding to it, however, what if your children were sick doing a month, you know how kids are one gets sick and the other gets sick and the other gets sick then you get sick or in this case your ex gets sick.
What you would hold her to the 30 day rule because that’s the ruling of the court? But this is a slippery slope because if you violate this rule, and you do something past the 30 days, the court could say that ruling is void. Crazy courtroom rulings!
It is easy to fall back to the courts decisions. They are there for a reason.
Which is why I say, as reclaiming your children for tax purposes, if the ruling isn’t in your divorce, decree, check with your attorney on how to proceed.
As for your ex. venting to you, sometimes all you should do is listen and acknowledge you heard her.
NTA
YTA. 100% of the kids expenses are split. The “if I’m not told in 30 days” you’re somehow not morally responsible?
Can you name your kids favorite colors, favorite/least favorite food, best friend, teacher, pediatrician, what they eat for lunch, what medications they have taken in the last 30 days, coach (if they play a sport), etc without guessing or asking? I can guarantee your ex wife could do it immediately. Being a parent is so far above the bar you’ve set for yourself. 🤦♀️
NTA. Well I would stop bending over for her that’s for sure if she thinks she’s doing it alone with less of your help she’ll really be doing more. But no that would be punishing the kids. It won’t be forever. I’m a little confused I thought you said there were three kids so if you claimed one she’s still claims two.
YTA
NTA – follow the court order
INFO: does your divorce decree not state who claims the kids on taxes?
INFO
I don’t even have a question this whole thing is sketchy n your replies are not helping. You both sound like pieces of work. Also the repeated comment screams bot
YTA, you should know how much things cost and you shouldn’t have to be reminded of anything.
YTA. Despite the taxes. Not all expenses with kids have a 30 day notification period! You think them getting sick and needing meds is going to wait 30 days???
Stop being worthless and be a parent!
Im sorry, I don’t know much about co-parenting….but if you have your kids 40% of the time, then over a year, shouldn’t you have paid nearly 40% of the surprise expenses ?
Your kids never go to the doctor/dentist/fill prescriptions when they are with you? When you take them to activities/sports and they (for example) break a hockey stick – you don’t go buy it for them?
How can all the surprise expenses be paid by your wife when you spend so much time with your kids?
INFO: “both kids” What happened to the third kid you mentioned?
Wait, 2 kids or 3 kids? This seems AI of kids can’t be straight
Just go to court and get it legally written or you’ll be going through this until the kids are of legal age.
NTA – she is trying to emotionally manipulate you. She also does not want you to spend more time with them because that could translate to less money for her.
So if you owe her money for expenses for your children – pay it. Sounds like she has not only the physical burden but the mental load to take care of everything. You clearly don’t see that. Stop asking how and just do.