English is not my first language, so sorry for any mistakes, I’ll try my best!
My husband (M33) and I (F33) have two children together (5m and 3f). I always wanted only two children and my husband agreed. In addition to that, our oldest has mild autism (we don’t have levels in our country). He speaks, even if not at the level of others children his age, and is intelligent, but his education obviously still/will have some challenges. And the youngest is cute but already has a strong personality!
We talked about it and agreed that we don’t want another child in the future. The two we have are already a handful, and we don’t need a third.
Now about the main subject : some time after my first child, I had an IUD inserted since we wanted to wait for some time before having another. But somehow, it failed and I ended up pregnant. Had a pregnancy test on Christmas eve since I had my suspicions and it was positive. Still, christmas miracle, right ?
Except the pandemic was still going around. I caught it and ended up losing the baby a couple months in. It was hard.
Now I don’t trust another IUD. And I don’t want to have my tubes tied or removed because I’m not ready to have such an operation and I’m a little scared of long term consequences and already have a scar because of C-section.
So, I talked to my husband about him having a vasectomy.
Since our second child, we only used condoms, but we agreed to stop having children and a vasectomy is easier than me having my tube tied. And frankly, after 2 births and 1 miscarriage, I thought it was his turn to take one for the team.
At first he seemed on board and talked to our doctor about it to have the medical papers ready. But since then, nothing, it’s been several months. I asked a couple of times and he said he would call to have it scheduled.
So recently I asked again why he hadn’t called yet and if something bothered him. And he admitted he understood my points but still felt uncomfortable about having the procedure done. He asked if I just could try an IUD again.
And that’s why I think I could be the A : I don’t want to. I’ve done it before, it failed, and the result was catastrophic. I don’t think I could trust it again as a safe contraceptive method. I know it’s a really, really small chance for it to fail another time, but the idea is dreadful to me.
And compared to all I’ve done, I don’t think a vasectomy is that much. I looked at the procedure and it didn’t seem that serious. But I’m not a man so maybe I don’t understand the anxiety to have something done down here.
So IATA for pushing my husband to have a vasectomy because we decided we didn’t need more children and IUDs have failed before?
Edit : I think I used the word “pushing” wrong. Sorry, not native english speaker. I didn’t force it. I talked to him and asked if he could do it, because it seemed like the logical solution : Doesn’t want more children, doesn’t really like condoms and he would like to be able to do it without having the trouble of wearing one, so it could be more spontaneous. And like I said, after the initial trouble, I dont’ want another IUD. And for the record, IUDs have some risk too. The same for the pill, I already took it before for 10 years before our first. We have been together since high school.
He initially agreed to the vasectomy without any trouble.
My frustration came from that. He agreed, no complaints, and now he has cold feet and wants me to try again the one thing I said I can’t trust anymore. I would prefer to use condoms until menopause. But I never forced him and I wouldn’t. Some of you act like I’m holding a scalpel over his boy parts. Calm down everyone.
Comments
I don’t think you’re wrong for pushing him a bit. You’ve been through a lot already with pregnancy, miscarriage, and birth. Vasectomy is way less invasive than what you’d have to go through for permanent birth control.
NTA. People really underestimate how hard pregnancy, miscarriage, and birth are. If he agreed no more kids, he should step up or find a middle ground that doesn’t put all the risk back on you.
NTA.
Good grief. If you can push out a couple of babies for him the least he can do is get a 15 minute surgical procedure under a local anaesthetic.
Once we had our second child I had myself “decommissioned” because I didn’t want my wife to continue having to dose herself with hormones for another decade. It took 15 minutes from start to finish and I felt virtually nothing. I even invited my wife to watch the procedure as it seemed the least I could do having watched her go through birthing two kids 🙂
I was told not to go cycling for a couple of weeks, and for about two days I took some over the counter pain relief. That was it.
Sorry, but at this point you may need to explain that no more intimacy until the deed is done.
NTA at all.
Have you asked him why he doesn’t?
Maybe try explaining that it is reversible, and less painful than permanent sterilization is for a woman?
Possibly bribing him?
I read somewhere that March is the most common month in the US, for vasectomies, because men get to watch March Madness on TV.
The idea of a few days off work might appeal to him.
NTA for asking this of your husband but you both should be aware that there is a certain risk although a low one. My friend had a complication during his vasectomy and he’s now in chronic pain and cannot perform in bed for the rest of his life.
That’s why I’m personally a bit wary about this topic, but in the end there’s a risk to pretty much everything. It’s your husband who has to decide if he’s willing to take that (small) risk. Both decisions, for or against a vasectomy, are totally valid in my opinion.
Birth control is not solely a woman’s responsibility. NTA, he’s avoiding it because he’s scared. Tell him to woman up and take care of it.
tell him if he doesn’t get a vasectomy, he doesn’t get sex.
NTA. You’re not wrong for wanting him to step up. But instead of pushing, have a calm discussion about his fears and alternatives. If he won’t do it, he needs to compromise, not just expect you to keep risking pregnancy, you’ve been through a lot already
NTA its reasonable to want a reliable option but ultimately it has to be a decision he’s comfortable with too
He needs to step up and accept some responsibility in making / not making babies.
If he wants uncomfortable tell him a vasectomy is nothing compared to shoving an IUD up his penis which is his other option.
Surgery for either partner shouldn’t be taken lightly. Why do surgery when there are plenty of contraceptives available, and can even use multiple (ie condom plus IUD or pill) if super worried about it?
YTA. Vasectomies, just like getting “tubes tied” cause low grade autoimmune reactions, and degrading health with age. And yea, you forcing this “request” is divorce territory in my opinion. You divorce him and in the future, however slim that may be, and he can never father another child again. Your request is undoubtably selfish, grow up.
Talk to your friends and find out which ones’ partners have had a vasectomy, then ask him to talk to those men. My husband was anxious about it, but once he brought the subject up with his mates, it turned out that they’d all had a vasectomy and he had no hesitation in joining the club. Men have this weird idea that it will somehow affect their performance, ie. manliness. Once they know they’ll still be the macho man they were previously, they’re less bothered. In fact, knowing for absolute certain that you won’t get pregnant brings a whole new level of joy to the bedroom for both of you.
NTA. Two babies and a loss, he can handle it this time. Especially if yall don’t want anymore kids. My husband got one and sex is just so much more fun without the worry and whenever we want without a condom. I also had a C-section so I don’t want another surgery and IUD horror stories have scared me. I had a really hard pregnancy so when I talked to him about it (we’re one and done) he was like yeah no problem you’ve been through enough. He also played sports professionally so his body has been put through more painful things and we both know we only want one kid.
His body, his choice.
Thanks for sharing.
Sorry for your loss.
Definitely NTAH for suggesting a vasectomy.
Pushing…? Hmmm…
Why don’t you try nudging?
He has 3 options:
I don’t want any more children and I‘m contemplating getting a vasectomy.
Although there’s no reason against it, apart from the relatively high cost for the procedure (USD ~1.2k), I know it’s a procedure with serious consequences and costly/not easy to reverse. But the odds of me wanting to have kids in my 50s and beyond are near-zero.
It’s all in my head. Will have to make an appointment next month… 🫣
Anyhow: Stay safe & sane – I‘m rooting for you!
Yes, and he’s a fool for marrying you. What a wretched thing to push a man to do.
NTA. According to your story you haven’t been pushing him. You brought up the idea and he went along. Asking about the status after some time isn’t pushing, it’s just natural.
Also you have already done your part in BC. This should always be a matter for both partners. Contraception is usually foisted off to women, because.. well.. because it’s always been that way (all hail the pill sarcasm off). I can totally understand your doubts concerning having another IUD. My gf has had three of them and they all failed.. We ended up with her taking the pill again, because we might still want to have kids in the future, so a vasectomy would be too risky, and we both don’t go well with condoms.
To me it sounds like he is scared of losing his ability to fertilize. You guys should definitely talk about this further. He needs to see that this procedure can be reversed under certain circumstances, plus, you have done your part already.. Maybe also look for alternatives. There’s so many possibilities for BC, most of them sadly are on the females part though..
So no, not the asshole, but you guys need to talk..
ESH: at risk of getting down voted ima say everyone sucks here
He sucks for refusing to get the vasectomy when you’ve had a really hard time with IUD/pregnancy however in the end it’s his body and his choice whether to get one
In the end you can’t make him get one and while you can be upset with him for not getting one in the end you should respect his decision and you might need to consider getting your tubes tied if you really wanna look at contraception options with higher protection
Definitely the AH.
There’s no need for surgery for neither of you.
There’s TONS of other ways to not having more pregnancies.
Knowing women, I also wouldn’t go with a vasectomy. You do a permanent procedure next thing you know they are out the door with your kids saying some shit like ‘I didn’t force you to do it’. So obviously NTA but from a male perspective, you cannot trust that a woman would be reliable and predictable long term.
ESH. I entirely understand your position but what your Husband decides to do with is his body is his choice and it’s wrong to try to force this on him. He however is not being honest with you right now.
You both need to have an open conversation (and possibly counselling) to come to a solution which you’re both happy with.
He gets it done or he doesn’t get ‘done’
NAH. You can ask but you can’t force him to do it. Same as you’ve considered sterilisation but don’t want to do it.
NTA.
But:
Just as you get to decide no IUD and no tubal ligation, he gets to decide no vasectomy.
(Just let him know that his dick will not be going inside you, even if he uses condoms, until he gets a vasectomy. He’ll have to learn how to give you orgasms by other means. Sex doesn’t have to be PIV sex.)
I think you could both benefit from counseling, because it strikes me that he has two reasons for refusing to get a vasectomy: one is that he is terrified of the idea of having someone do surgery on his penis/testicles. In which case, he may be able to get over it and be brave for you.
Or he is mentally checking out because he thinks that in the future, he won’t be married to you, and will want to have more children with someone else. If he doesn’t see himself as in this for the long term, he won’t want to make permanent changes to his body. And if that’s the case, sorry, better to have it out in the open.
YTA. His body, his choice. If roles were reversed and he pushed you to your tie tubes would he be asshole?
NTA. Guy with a vasectomy here. I understand your husband’s take, but I also understand that getting your tubes tied is a way more invasive and even riskier operation that getting two tubes in a penis snipped and capped in all of 20-30 minutes. I love my wife and wouldn’t want her taking a risk and our children end up not having a mother if anything goes wrong with her surgery. And honestly, I’m done with kids, they cost so much money 😂
I got a birth control implant called Nexplanon. They insert a rod into the upper arm/ bicep, and it goes in quickly, no fuss, no muss. It lasts 3 years, and there’s an added bonus of no periods ! I’ve had it for six years and have been quite happy with it.
Something like this could be an option.
NTA. Birth is more traumatic and dangerous than a vasectomy by leagues. Tell him to be a mature adult and responsible partner.
NTA… my husband had a vasectomy; after our oldest of two was diagnosed with as yoy “mid level Autism; and I had my 4th misscarage. Because we knew she would need more help in life. Then our son got diagnosed with PDD-NOS/ level 2/ mid level Autism “. Our children are now 17 & 20. Iam respectively asking you to not use the term “mild Autism”. If you don’t feel comfortable using levels… instead of saying “mild Autism “; acceptable terms in the Autism community for that are; “verbal Autism” and or “high functioning Autism ” or “low needs Autism”. FYI we live in Canada
I have 2 kids with my hubby and we don’t want anymore kids because our youngest being non verbal with autism. I’d never try and force him to do a medical procedure. He’s afraid of doctors and surgery. These women are crazy for thinking that he should HAVE to get a vasectomy or NO sex? Come on.
Yes it’s his body, you have no say or reason to push for that
Just use condoms. You cant push a surgery to him, it is his body and his choice. Just like he cant push you to get pregnant.
First of all, condoms. I hate them, I’m pretty sure everyone hates them. It’s also the least invasive and a very sure birth control method.
Second YTA.
You’re pushing him to undergo a surgical procedure. It’s as simple as that. Is he pushing you to get your tubes tied? Onto the pill.
You’re giving him (almost) an ultimatum, while birth control is a shared responsibility.
NTA
Hé also only want two kids, that’s not a woman’s job to take care of contraception
Until you find a solution, i’d say no sex
Best thing I ever did. Sex life even improved, because we could be more spontaneous. I was also older than my wife, and quite frankly never expected to live as long as I have, so, in case I died, she would have been able to remarry and still have another kid if she wanted to. We ended up divorcing, she remarried, and ended up having a hysterectomy due to some medical issues.
If it was me i would just get the vasectomy. Tubes tied is more invasive and i dont want my wife going through that mess. As a man you got to be ready to put your family first as the leader of your household. So if he was me, i would say this is a no brainer.
BUT, he isn’t me and i dont know your relationship dynamic (is he the head of your household and leader/ alpha wolf?). This is something that he has to want to do himself. This isn’t something you should have to coerce (force) him into doing. It is his body,his choice so no one can guilt him into doing the procedure as that would make you the asshole.
Maybe you two need to sit down with a marriage counselor to find an amicable way to handle this. Who knows, maybe the guy is scared, or maybe he does want to have the option to still have kids but doesn’t want to tell you that (wouldn’t be the first time in history).
So you arent the asshole for wanting him to get it done and communicating your thoughts….but if you try to “guilt” him into it then yes, you would be the AH.
NTAH. The burden of protection shouldn’t fall on us every time. My husband got his after inauguration this year. It’s a less than ten minute procedure. He ices his balls for a few days and then he’s right as rain. He needs to stop being a bitch and do his part to protect you.
I bypassed my mothers IUD. It’s more common than people think
NTA
NTA. My kids’ dad agreed to have a vasectomy 12 years ago for similar reasons to what you describe here… and he never went through with it. That (among many other things where the “work”/responsibility fell on me by default) caused a lot of resentment.
Have a serious talk and do mention the “time to take one for the team” thing. Also, there’s no comparison btw a vasectomy and a tubal ligation, imo; vasectomy is simple, common, and much less invasive. I suspect he’s just scared it will hurt.
A soft YTA.
My husband had very recently had a vasectomy, and whilst the procedure was quick, simple and relatively painless (and cool as fuck to watch, BTW!) the psychological effects post-procedure were unexpected.
We discussed a vasectomy for the first time around 6 years ago after our second child was about a year old. We both knew we didn’t want any more children, but he was unsure if that’s what he wanted to do at that point. He could see the benefits, understood what I had put my body through with hormonal contraceptives and pregnancy/birth, and knew it was the most logical next step – but he wasn’t ready for the finality of it then.
We discussed it a few times over the years, but due to lack of funding for that procedure in our area, we couldn’t get it through the health service and couldn’t afford to do it privately.
Then he started bringing it up recently and discussing it more seriously, and before I knew it he had booked an appointment and two weeks later it was done. He had a few emotional wobbles about it in the following weeks, but we are now just impatiently waiting until November for the sperm analysis.
I guess what I’m trying to say is to give him some time to process the reality of it. Yes it’s an easy procedure, but you have to allow him time to mentally and emotionally prepare.
Whilst complications from a vasectomy are uncommon, there are still some risks – permanent pain on ejaculation (PVPS), infections from operation or build up of sperm – and certainly not free from potential complications and they shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Having an attitude of ‘no vasectomy, no sex’ as some have suggested is terribly manipulative and damaging to your relationship. It’s his body, and just as you have autonomy over yours, he has the same autonomy over his. Needing time to consider a permanent procedure (yes I know it can be reversed, but it is not always successful, and we were warned a reversal would likely be unsuccessful due to the type of pressure he had) is ok, and actually should be encouraged to make sure it’s really what he wants.
It’s not him disregarding what you have been through, it’s him considering altering his reproductive system permanently, and that is as huge for him as it would be for you.
I think a little empathetic understanding, gentle communication, and patience would go a long way here.
NAH
First thing’s first – It is your husband’s body and you have zero say in him having a vasectomy. If he decides he doesn’t want one then that is his choice to make.
However.
Your body is also yours. You dont want to get pregnant. You dont want to have an IED. I presume you also dont want to use other contraception due to the side effects (for example, increased cancer risk with the pill, etc).
If this is the case then you can either insist on condoms, or refuse sex until he commits to practicing it safely.
What i will say is that the vasectomy procedure is really minor. They do not cut you open. You do not need stitches. It takes about 15 minutes. There is no pain. There is no risk of impotence. No reduction in libido. The ONLY risk I am aware of is that if you two split up, he will be infertile and it costs about £1000 to reverse the procedure.
Im not a doctor – so please do your own research to confirm all of this. However, I have had a vasectomy so I can weigh in on how easy it was.
This is more of a NAH. the sexism in the comments is real
Would you be fine if he was pushing you to cut your tubes? There is your answer