I (40F) have been with my husband (43M) for several years. He has a daughter (13F) from a previous relationship. When we started dating and I was introduced to her, he made it very clear that she already had parents and didn’t need another one—what she needed was an advocate and mentor. I was absolutely fine with that and have always tried to respect those boundaries.
For the most part, our relationship is good. She’s a great kid. Now, we also have a son together (3M). He’s my first and only biological child, and I had wanted him for a very long time.
Here’s the issue:
I had a very specific vision for my son’s room that I’d planned well in advance. I painted two ombre walls that go from grass green to sky blue and transition into a dusty blue ceiling covered in glow-in-the-dark stars. His ceiling light has a sun-shaped lampshade, and his nightlight is a moon. He has a Montessori-style floor bed designed to look like a tent, a grassy rug, a ball pit that looks like a pool, tree trunk–shaped toy chests that double as chairs and a table, and a tree-shaped bookshelf. I paid for all of this myself.
When it came to my stepdaughter’s room, we asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted a reading nook, so we created one with a small round mattress, a ton of cushions in her favorite colors, and a mosquito net canopy. She chose her wall colors (solid block shades), and we did the room together. We split the cost 50/50. The rest of the furniture in her room was purchased by my husband before I came into the picture, and he doesn’t see any point in replacing it since it’s still in good condition. As a result, I didn’t have much say in that space.
Recently, after seeing my son’s room fully set up, my stepdaughter got upset. She said I clearly put way more effort into his space than hers and accused me of playing favorites because he’s “actually mine.” I tried to explain that I didn’t want to overstep when it came to her room and that she made most of the choices herself. But now she feels hurt and like I don’t care as much about her.
I do feel guilty because I can see how, from her perspective, it looks unfair. But I also don’t know how to navigate doing more without violating the boundaries my husband and I set early on. I’m not her parent, and I didn’t want to push decisions onto her room. At the same time, I now wonder if I should have tried harder or been more involved.
So Reddit… AITA?
Comments
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I (40F) have been with my husband (43M) for several years. He has a daughter (13F) from a previous relationship. When we started dating and I was introduced to her, he made it very clear that she already had parents and didn’t need another one—what she needed was an advocate and mentor. I was absolutely fine with that and have always tried to respect those boundaries.
For the most part, our relationship is good. She’s a great kid. Now, we also have a son together (3M). He’s my first and only biological child, and I had wanted him for a very long time.
Here’s the issue:
I had a very specific vision for my son’s room that I’d planned well in advance. I painted two ombre walls that go from grass green to sky blue and transition into a dusty blue ceiling covered in glow-in-the-dark stars. His ceiling light has a sun-shaped lampshade, and his nightlight is a moon. He has a Montessori-style floor bed designed to look like a tent, a grassy rug, a ball pit that looks like a pool, tree trunk–shaped toy chests that double as chairs and a table, and a tree-shaped bookshelf. I paid for all of this myself.
When it came to my stepdaughter’s room, we asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted a reading nook, so we created one with a small round mattress, a ton of cushions in her favorite colors, and a mosquito net canopy. She chose her wall colors (solid block shades), and we did the room together. We split the cost 50/50. The rest of the furniture in her room was purchased by my husband before I came into the picture, and he doesn’t see any point in replacing it since it’s still in good condition. As a result, I didn’t have much say in that space.
Recently, after seeing my son’s room fully set up, my stepdaughter got upset. She said I clearly put way more effort into his space than hers and accused me of playing favorites because he’s “actually mine.” I tried to explain that I didn’t want to overstep when it came to her room and that she made most of the choices herself. But now she feels hurt and like I don’t care as much about her.
I do feel guilty because I can see how, from her perspective, it looks unfair. But I also don’t know how to navigate doing more without violating the boundaries my husband and I set early on. I’m not her parent, and I didn’t want to push decisions onto her room. At the same time, I now wonder if I should have tried harder or been more involved.
So Reddit… AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I put a lot more time and creativity into my son’s room than my stepdaughter’s. Even though she picked what she wanted, I didn’t go all out or suggest much else. Now that she’s seen how special my son’s room looks, she feels like I care more about him because he’s my biological child.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA for splitting the cost with a 13 y/o.
Your husband needs to do ALL the work on this & take full responsibility for how he requested you treat his kid. He fucked up. You didn’t.
NTA
NTA, but your husband is. Why are you pitching in for the costs of your stepdaughter’s room but he’s not paying anything for his son’s room? And why is he leaving you to take the blame on this?
NTA. Your husband needs to step in and help make it clear that you were given and are respecting boundaries and that if anyone has been lacking in effort it is him. Then you can all problem solve together. This is a chance to strengthen your family unit.
NTA. 13 year old girls are 13 year old girls. If you want her to not feel that way. Take her shopping and let her pick her own things. I wouldn’t take it personally. She has been the only kiddo for a long time and probably feels like her 3 year old brother gets all the attention.
NTA. In this case, I think it’s a case of jealousy that is disproportionately being transferred to you.
NTA – your husband needs to take the lead and explain the requests he made of you regarding your relationship with her. He put you in this position, so he needs to bring you out of it.
NTA. If your stepdaughter doesn’t like her room or feels she was treated unfairly, she needs to talk to her dad. He’s her parent, and he is the one responsible for handling this, per your agreement. .
YTA helping a kid decorate a room isn’t overstepping parenting boundaries. And splitting the costs with a child? Who does that?
NTA but can we get links?! I want the tree trunk toy chests for my son too 🪵
NTA Tell your stepdaughter you went with your vision for 3 year olds room.
With her room you went with her vision.
Ask her what else she wants done ?
Some fairy lights or a theme could really elevate the room.
YTA at some point in this process, you realize that design is more important to you than your husband, and yet you still set back knowing that design is generally more important to older children.
YTA and so is your husband. I can’t believe how much you did/spent to decorate a 3-year-old’s room, a room that will no doubt be redone in a couple of years. And I don’t see how either you or your husband would not have considered that a young teen might deserve a bit more than a mosquito net.
You need to talk to your husband about how this turned out and the implications going forward; you need to treat your stepdaughter like a daughter. And I don’t understand why he didn’t contribute to the decor for his son’s room too.
NTA It was nice of you to go 50/50 on your stepdaughter’s room because of how clear your husband made it that you stay out of parenting decisions related to his daughter. He is the one who needs to talk to her about her room, not you. You can help her redecorate, but your husband needs to be responsible.
NTA but your husband is. He is the one that should have been handling his daughter’s room. You shouldn’t have even paid for anything in there as you’re not her parent and he’s made that very clear. So since you aren’t and he is, why is he not handling this situation? He should be defending you to his daughter and help make it right for her by doing whatever changes she apparently now wants.
Nta. She chose her room and got it. Technically, by her dad’s words, it wasn’t your responsibility to even pay for half because she has 2 parents and doesn’t need another.
I am going to go with YTA because you failed your role as “advocate and mentor.” You didn’t advocate for her and you didn’t mentor her when it came to her new bedroom. When your husband said “she can use the old furniture” you didn’t say “I think it would be nice for her to have something new that she can keep and even take to her first apartment” You didn’t guide the child in terms of decorating or making choices. That is what an advocate and mentor does.
Now your husband is also TA for not asking you to step in when he was clearly in over his head.
NTA
She has a father. Why isn’t he decorating her room?
Why is it your responsibility?
If she wants something, she can ask for something instead of blaming you and playing the victim.
Sheesh
Idk it’s not about who is right or wrong. I think the stepdaughter is upset bc she probably wanted something cool but doesn’t know how to make that vision happen. Maybe just sit down with her and help her realize that vision. It could be a good bonding moment.
Some of us don’t have a good eye for this stuff and need some help. Especially a teenager. And your husband should pay one hundred percent.
NAH
NTA You asked her what she wanted, I wish you would post pics of the room, it sounds amazing!
NTA yet…
Just so you know you ARE a parent you are the stepmother.
From your description your son’s bedroom sounds absolutely amazing. Try to put yourself in her shoes she’s still a little girl. She probably thought it was amazing too and of course she’s going to have feelings about it. And there’s nothing wrong if she feels jealousy. She probably feels hurt. But because she is 13 I would advise you to become closer with her. Take this as a chance to bond with her and ask her what kind of room she would like. Plan it with her. And design a bedroom that she would love. Don’t think of it as a chore, think of it as a wonderful project that gives you the chance to bond with her. She is 13 years old, you don’t have many years left before she is young adult, trust me it goes by in a blink of an eye. Just because she already has two parents doesn’t mean you can’t treat her like a daughter, she is your step daughter. Allow yourself to love her, not just be a mentor.
NTA
Obviously when you decorate a toddlers room you have more of a direct input, its not like you shot down her suggestions either.
That said I dont think it’s about the room but the daughter’s (understandable) insecurities as the step daughter. What she needs is reassurance, that may come in the form of some redecorating or in other ways.
This caught my attention though
>he made it very clear that she already had parents and didn’t need another one—what she needed was an advocate and mentor. I was absolutely fine with that and have always tried to respect those boundaries.
To put it bluntly, those arent his boundaries to set, they should be hers. Have you had an honest discussion with her about how she sees you? What she wants?
NTA and her dad needs to handle this. He needs to tell her that HE didn’t see the point in new furniture and that she is the one who designed the room herself. She is 13 and old enough to say what she wants . He also needs to explain the limits he put on you. Which in my option were wrong. I parent the kids in my home whether I birthed them or not. My husband parents the kids in our home whether they share dna or not. Dad is also the AH for letting you fully pay for your son’s room and then expecting you to pay half for his daughter’s room. You can’t be a mother figure but you can pay for her room. Not how that works.
NTA. The room is probably just one thing she’s upset about. She had options to decorate her room. If she wants a specific design, she should ask.
Talk with her about possibly doing a mural in her room if that’s what she wants . I can see from her point of view too and from yours for not wanting to overstep boundaries but that doesn’t seem like one to me.
Try asking if she wants to re do the room and how. If yes, she or you draw what she wants. With a view of each wall, do that there will be no confusion. Then both of you redo to how she wants it.
Why is she having this conversation with you and not her dad? He should be stepping in and handling this and taking responsibility for the decisions he made for her room. You paid for everything in your son’s room and half for his daughter? Seems like you have done more than your part. He needs to talk to her. You are good