My wife and I struggled with infertility for a few years and ended up adopting our first son before she got pregnant with twins through IVF. But one thing that I’ve noticed recently is how she always refers to our kids by separating them, as in “I’m taking (son’s name) and the twins to the park”, instead of “I’m taking the children to the park”, and that’s something that stood out to me even though our son never said anything about it. I don’t want to feed a possible feeling of inadequacy. I could have said the same thing if our first son was our biological child as well.
So I talked to my wife about it. We were at home, it was just the two of us. To my surprise, she took it as if I was suggesting she treats them differently and that the adoption might have influenced her, which I know it’s not the case – we both treat them exactly the same. I was just suggesting she was careful with how she phrases this, more as a precaution. But now I feel like I could have been an AH over something that might be nothing.
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My wife and I struggled with fertility for a few years and ended up adopting our first son before she got pregnant with twins through IVF. But one thing that I’ve noticed recently is how she always refers to our kids by separating them, as in “I’m taking (son’s name) and the twins to the park”, instead of “I’m taking the children to the park”, and it something that stood out to me even though our son never said anything about it. I don’t want to feed a possible feeling of inadequacy. I could have said the same thing if our first son was our biological child as well.
So I talked to my wife about it. We were at home, it was just the two of us. To my surprise, she took it as if I was suggesting she treats them differently and that the adoption might have influenced her, which I know it’s not the case – we both treat them exactly the same. I was just suggesting she was careful with how she phrases this, more as a precaution. But now I feel like I could have been an AH over something that might be nothing.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action to be judged: I talked to my wife about how she singles out our son and our twins when mentioning them. Why this action can make me an AH: the fact that our first son was adopted could have led me to become more concerned than necessary to not make him feel inadequate or if we make any difference between them, and I know that objectively my wife treats them exactly the same
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH. You’re both just trying to be good parents.
I get your point, but I think you might be overreacting just a titch. I was the only girl, so with my parents, it was “I’m taking angl and the boys to the lake,” or something to that effect. It didn’t make me think I was being treated differently, fwiw.
NTA. I would be more concerned that it would fuel a sense of insecurity between your twins. There are lots of twins and triplets in my extended family, and I’ve heard the older ones voice the sense that they never felt like individuals growing up. They were always just “the twins” or “the triplets.” It’s never a bad thing to worry about your kids. NTA.
NAH
I feel you are looking at it differently. I could see doing it and it being that the twins is just simpler to say than naming each of them.
You’re both trying to be the best parent’s you can be. I doubt the kids notice it, even in the future.
If the children have a large age gap and that you often babysit them or caretake them on different schedules, then your wife may simply differentiating the needs and responsibilities (i.e. “I’m putting the twins to bed” while the older son does not need to go to bed, or “I’m taking (son’s name) to baseball practice”, etc.)
NTA but worthwhile to talk about.
NAH. I’m a twin mom and I think it’s more of a twin thing. It’s just natural to say “the twins.” I often say “im taking x and the twins with me”, referring to my older child separately. Don’t really know why. 🤷♀️
Shes probably just saying the twins like my mom said “the girls”. If there was 1 boy and us, it made sense to say his name and then “the girls” because its simply faster than saying each name.
I mean, I guess she could say im taking the kids to the park but if shes used to referring to the twins as a set, it makes sense that she would continue to do so out of habit
Mom of 5 here I refer to them as oldest three and babies, rarely do I say kids or names. Idk why and I gave birth to all of them! So unless she is physically outcasting him I wouldn’t be concerned! But also I’m wondering why you feel that way, and also appreciate you looking out for him!!
My sister and I are 2 years apart and it was always “the girls”. It was like we didn’t have names, were not individuals. I hated it. We were not the same. Nothing wrong with asking questions and thinking about how language influences perceptions. Perhaps wife names the child bc that child is the first born and shortcuts to “the twins”.
NAH.
I think you ARE overreacting slightly, but not enough to call you an asshole. I get your concern, but I think you’re reading far too much into what your wife said.
A commenter on this page has made the very good point that as the only girl in the family, “X and the boys” was commonly heard in her household. That often happens when there’s something really significant that makes one child stand out from the others, such as one child being a different gender, or one child being much older.
You’ve assumed it’s your son’s status as an adopted child that made your wife refer to him separately from the twins. It could just as easily be his status as non-twin, and personally, I think it’s far more likely.
If you have hard evidence that she’s treating your son differently based on his adoptive status, only then would it be right to have that conversation with her. Unless and until that happens, I think you should stop looking for sins where they don’t exist, and give her the benefit of the doubt.
NAH but I will say that as “the twins” get older stop referring to them as an entity. Twins already struggle with forming individual identities. Calling them all by their names or “the children” is better. And even then “the children” can get annoying when kids get a bit older and want to be seen as grown ups.
My friend annoyingly refers to her children aged 9 and 5 as “I’m taking girl’s name and the baby to the store” and I’m like…he’s not a baby. Point being, it’s clearly pretty common for parents to refer to their offspring in ways that do not always make sense. I think she does it because taking the girl is an easy and enjoyable task, taking the boy with her too makes it a mission. She’s outnumbered lol.
It might be a positive that she’s using the older child’s name and calling the younger ones as an entity to highlight that they are the ones that are being singled out – I.e. it’s more of a mission when it’s the tag team vs the single child.
Eeehh. I address my daughter and her 2 little brothers similar way. O_O I don’t know why, just come out like that naturally.
“I’m taking daughter’s name, and the boys to the mall”.
NAH I think as they’re different ages she may be used to doing different things with them.
If she said “I’m taking our adopted son and our twins to the park” that would be an issue.
But maybe as the twins grow up everyone could let them have their own separate identity rather than being “the twins”.
I don’t think anyone is doing anything wrong right now, just maybe be a little more thoughtful.
The adopted kid will notice. Every adopted kid I’ve ever known noticed when their siblings were treated differently, and it hurt and alienated each of them.
In one case, I confronted a good friend’s older sister about it. They’d simply never thought of it as hurtful, just truth. And yet… my friend was estranged from his parents and siblings for the rest of their lives. (Well, the parents and one of two elder siblings are gone.)
Your wife is damaging your son’s self-esteem every damn time she says this, and he likely won’t ever say anything, until the day he decides he’s had enough and leaves.
NTA for discussing it carefully with your spouse, but a little YTA for “exactly the same” in your narrative. Patently, it’s not exactly the same.
NTA you obviously care about the child and want to make sure he doesn’t feel inadequate. Should talk to her about it again and just say that she should make sure to not make him feel like that with how she words things. Hopefully if she cares she would see eye to eye with you and understand where you’re coming from too!
NTA. This is funny to me though – in this scenario your son is an individual and the twins are just a single unit and not individuals.
Not sure how old any of these kids are but I think most people would prefer to be treated as individuals if the option is their name or being treated as part of a single unit.
Hi twin here –
NTA, but slightly overreacting. My sister and I are in our 50s, and we are still “the twins”. It’s still often annoying, and we did go through a period when we were much younger when we struggled with being individuals, but I don’t know that it was much different than others who were called “the boys” or “the girls”.
If they are dressed alike, put in all the same activities, same classes, etc., stop doing that. Make sure they have every opportunity to develop individually and independently. One may like dance and the other might like soccer or something, and encourage that. If they truly like the same things, great. If not, great.
It’s good that you’re paying attention, though.
NAH
It’s fine to bring it up if you think it could be a problem, but I don’t think it’s a problem and you’re probably overthinking it.
I was the only girl growing up, so it was often “(my name) and the boys.” We never thought twice about it. I didn’t feel singled out, my brothers didn’t feel like they were being lumped together. It’s just a way of referring to kids.
NTA and the difference is noticeable.
I have twins in my life. I refer to them as either “the boys” or by their names to give them autonomy. I don’t make a big deal out of what other people call them.
Not quite the same, but I have twin brothers and they are always referred to as “the boys” as in “sister’s name and the boys are doing abc” or “mom and the boys are doing that”. It might just be a twin thing 🤷🏼♀️
NAH I have two younger brothers and it was always “M (my name) and the boys” no favoritism or anything negative I’m just the only girl and 4 and 5 years older than my brothers. I think as long as you were open and respectful in your communication there is no AH.
I’ve had friends with twins and still refer to them as twins with all biological children. I don’t think this is odd terms. It’s not like she’s saying “Thing 1” … I do think it’s nothing. You’re overthinking it, did she say “our kid” or only his name before they were born?
Maybe she’s just like “bob… and the twins” versus “bob” before the twins. I’m not surprised she feels bad being implicated your post is kinda judgmental that her way of speaking is wrong. She’s just speaking.
NTA my Dad isn’t adopted, but he is the younger brother to a pair of twins. They were always preferred to as “the twins and [Dad’s name]” rather than “the kids/boys” by my grand parents.
It made him feel lesser than or othered, and my Dad still brings it up when he’s feeling emotional, despite being in his mid 60s with kids and grand kids of his own. It’s the kind of thing that can impact your psyche for your whole life.
NTA, I don’t think you’re overreacting. I have two younger sisters, call them Cecelia (full sister) and Mary (half sister, my step-dad’s daughter). My mom and step-dad would often say things like, “I’m taking Mary and the girls to the park.” It made me feel like Mary mattered more to them than me and my sister did.
I think you’re overthinking it but also that makes you probably a good dad. Keep paying attention and caring.
NAH. I think you may just be being a bit over protective for your son, which is sweet! I think what your wife is doing is completely normal and has nothing to do with singling him out. I’m not a twin but I have a sister who is very close in age to me and a brother a few years younger. My sister and I were always referred to as “the girls” and my brother by his name. This was our whole childhood and not only by parents but other family members too. I think it’s common for people with multiple kids.
My husband is eldest of four. He has a brother younger than him a sister and then another brother. My MIL talks a lot about how it was always “the boys” and (youngest bro name). She didn’t mean to separate them in this way but it was just kind of a natural thing that the two oldest were the boys and then her youngest son was separate. (Youngest bro does not think twice about it)
I can see your point and how if your son knows he’s adopted, he might feel differently but I think it’s fine. As long as you’re truly treating them the same, I doubt he ends up with an issue.
You are overthinking this. I am a twin and it was always brother’s name & and the twins, or brother & the girls. It is a simple way to specify without saying each name. Would it have been easier for her to say “the kids”, yes but it doesnt mean she is prioritizing the bio kids over the adopted one.
And as a twin, I can tell you with full confidence that the bio kids will be referred as “the twins” by many people for most of their childhood, if not their whole life.
NTA. It’s good to put some thought into how you refer to kids. When I was a kid I had a brother and a sister, and my brother would always be referred to as his name, while my sister and I were just “the girls”. It irritated me. I was jealous that my brother was treated as more of an individual than my sister and I were. I would be worried about how your twins feel about being referred to as a unit, especially since twins have a harder time forming their own identities apart from their other twin.
Nta, but slightly overreacting. I think it’s just a way people talk to kids. We tend to group them together it different ways with no I’ll intent. I’ve done it several times with my daughters & their brother. I’ve had it done to me as a kid from adult cousins and aunts & uncles. They’d said “Head, I’m such & such and the boys/girls this place. Want to come?” Nothing wrong with wanting to make sure there’s no intentional or unintentional discrimination going on. And you went about it in a way that wasn’t judgmental or accusatory.
You’re definitely overreacting here. Nta though
My sister has twin boys and a single girl. Let’s assume the singleton’s name is Bananacake. We refer to them as Bananacake and the twins frequently.
You’re way over analyzing this and might be projecting your own concerns and fears onto your wife.
NAH. But I had only two girl cats for so long and got in the habit of calling them the girls when talking about it, so now that I have a boy cat I’ll say “(boy cats name) and the girls.”
My mom always referred to us as “the girls”
YTA
I’m a twin. We were always referred to as “The twins”. I don’t think she means anything by it
My sisters and I are in our 40’s and I still sometimes refer to them as “the twins”. You’re reading way too much into this.
NAH – The phrasing she used seems natural, not discriminating towards the adopted one. She didn’t mean anything by it, but you’re also not an ass for talking to her about it when you got concerned.
NAH. I don’t have twins but I do say “the boys and my daughter” a lot. But I say “the kids” also. It just depends on what I’m talking about and to who.
My siblings are triplets. My mum would always say m/n and the triplets
I don’t think you’re an asshole for looking out for your son. That’s exactly what you’re supposed to do. Just be careful how far you take it. It’s pretty common for parents of multiples to refer to them as “the twins”. I did the same with “my boys”. I don’t love them any less than their sister, it’s just easier than having to say all their names when I’m talking about them or calling them down for dinner.
Keep loving those babies and congratulations on your big, beautiful family.
ETA NTA
A lot of people will call twins “the twins”. While sometimes people will stress that it’s important to allow multiples to have their own individuality and not always lump them together as though they are one entity, it is natural that it would happen in day to day life, and in my opinion it’s not to do with your older son being adopted, but to do with your younger kids being twins.
NTA, but overreacting. I am the second eldest of 9 children, that’s sometimes just how you refer to groups of kids sometimes haha. Maybe I’d be more concerned if you had more serious examples of isolating behavior because calling your son by his name and the twins as one entity in one sentence is normal. If she is a great mother otherwise you should buy her flowers, order or make dinner, apologize and and rub her feet
Yta. Stop acting like this is an affront to your kids or that your wife needs to change her behavior! It’s a grouping. Either she likes saying twins, or maybe the twins are the same gender and it’s short!
The POINT isn’t about who she’s taking, the point is that she IS taking them. What matters is the context and location- this is NOT an instance where an individual needs to be propped up and protected!!! If she wasn’t giving any individual credit for an individual accomplishment, that would be one thing! NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE PERSONALIZED IR INDIVIDUALIZED! Sometimes grouping people together is just fine!
I can understand where you are coming from but as an identical twin with an older brother it was very common for my parents to refer to us as “brothers name” and the twins and we were all biological children.
NAH I am glad to see you advocating for your child even if your perception of the situation is off the mark. It’s absolutely a twin thing. I am a mom of 3, a girl and twin boys. I always refer to my boys as “the twins” or “the boys”. I do think you owe a slight apology but your heart was in the right place.
I’m the older sister of twins and to this day ( we are in our 50’s) it’s the feeling of being outside the twin bond. I always tell people not to make the sibling feel like they are compared as how can you get anywhere when you are one person rather than two. It’s not that we don’t get on but there really is something about twins that makes the sibling feel outside. I feel for the twins too as they are never their own person but always referred to as the twins. Anyway I’m not sure if this made any sense as it’s difficult to describe, but you need to see all three as individuals
X, Y and ‘the twins’ is normal speak where I am from as well. My sister only has her twins and still refers to them often as ‘the twins’. Her and my Bil try NOT to do that because they do have names (lol) but they default to ‘the twins’ all the time. So does their school, so do we.
You’re overreacting! My parents frequently referred to me and my siblings as “Bi-loser99 and the boys” because I was the only girl with 2 younger brothers. honestly i don’t think my parents ever referred to us as “the kids/children” because it would have felt pretty clunky and overly formal. YTA for being hypercritical of your wife’s parenting and relationship with your kids as if you need to keep her in check or are an authority over her and parenting within your family. next time, take some time to reflect on if your anxieties line up with reality.
YTA. I’m a twin and my parents still say my older sisters name and refer us twins as just the…”the twins “. And I’m damn near 40!
NAH- You say that you both treat them fairly. I think it may be a case of how parents tend to group kids up.
On my mom’s side I’m the eldest of 7. Me, twins, then quads. When we would go somewhere it was “taking (me) and twins.” Later it would be “taking (me) and quads.” Or the boys, or the girls. Just made it easier to group it up that way.
My oldest is “[his name]” and my youngest is “the baby.” If anything, I think “the baby” needs to be called his actual name, but I can’t stop just yet. He’s too much a cherub. My oldest doesn’t seem to mind. I think you need to take a breath and see this isn’t something your oldest will care about. Your twins, on the other hand, might want to not be lumped together…
I suspect it’s not that he’s adopted but that the other pair are a set in her brain, being twins
NAH. I’m one of three girls; one sister less than 2 years behind me and a sister 6 years behind me. My mother called us older two “the girls” so much that the baby sister did it. You’re looking for a problem that isn’t there.
You’re reading way too much into this.
YTA, sorry.
>“I’m taking (son’s name) and the twins to the park
I don’t think it’s odd or unusual to use that phrasing. If anything, I’d say that phrasing is minimizing the individual identities of the twins by grouping them instead of naming them.
Plus, she probably had a habit of saying “I’m taking (son) to the park” when he was the only child. I feel like adding “and the twins” is a fairly normal evolution of this.
No idea why you’d think this would make the son feel inadequate. She’s naming him specifically and first! What’s your rationale here?
If she named the twins and not the son, then maybe you’d be onto something. But that’s not the case, so I think you’re inventing an issue out of nothing.
>To my surprise, she took it as if I was suggesting she treats them differently and that the adoption might have influenced her
…how else could she interpret this?
>I was just suggesting she was careful with how she phrases this, more as a precaution
Finish your sentence…”as a precaution that she might be treating them differently or that (son) might think she is treating them differently.”
As the older sister of identical twin sisters, all sharing the same parents, and I can confirm that we would be addressed as “Jess and the twins,” or the reverse.
I believe the reason for this is more about the twins being perceived as a unit, rather than an intentional exclusion of any other sibling.
NAH but…I’m sorry, I don’t see a problem with what she said, that’s a perfectly normal way to refer to a group of people made up of kids of different ages/genders.
NAH. Many parents of bio kids use this type of phrasing: James and the girls, Sarah and the little ones, George and the twins, etc.
I do think it’s good to be aware of this type of thing, but I don’t think there’s a problem with what your wife is saying.
I’m a twin and while I don’t speak on behalf of all twins, I hate hate hate being referd to as “the twins” we are indeed seperate people and it would be nice if that was acknowledged, you go through your whole life being called the twins or something along that effect that people including parents forget that you are separate entities. Just refer to everyone as the kids or by their name. You don’t have to specify that it’s your son and the twins just say the kids. I don’t understand why they have to be separated like that.
As the elder sister of twins, mother of twins, and grandmother of twins, the twins were always referred to as “the twins”, by me, my parents, the entire family, across generations. NTA, but you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
NAH
Just explain that her level of caring isn’t the concern. You KNOW she adores them qnd it shows. The only thing uou are concerned about is the twins having a harder time with personal identities if they are usually being referred to as “the twins” rather than by their names? It doesn’t wven half to stop completely, just try to refer to them as individuals instead if twins more frequently.
I think it would be better to say “the kids”, but not because your son was adopted. But because I’m sure your twins will get tired of being lunped together like they’re a single unit. Your older son gets called by his name, while your twins are “the twins” and not (name) and (name).
I think the twins might grow up a bit annoyed that he gets named and they are a joint being.
She calls your son by his name. Get your hackles up if she says “I’m taking Jonny and our kids”.
This isn’t that.
Turn that overthinking into something more productive
So you ‘know’ she isn’t influenced by the fact that your oldest is adopted… but you still felt the need to bring it up. By questioning her, you’ve already suggested that she’s treating them differently.
Have you considered that since it’s only you that’s noticed, maybe you’re the one who feels there’s a difference?
I’m not saying you’re right, or wrong, but I’d suggest you take a closer look at yourself and ask why you’re more sensitive to the situation.
NTA for addressing a concern but I do feel the way she refers to the kids is normal. They are one child plus twins who came as a pair. Similar to if you had one boy and two girls. I’d likely refer to them as “boy name and the girls”