A friend of mine from grade school went into the air force and after a year or so, we didn’t talk to each other as often. We were in very different places in life and it just felt like we grew apart imo. A few years ago, she came home to visit for a few days and she brought her now deceased fiancée. I was under the impression it would just be her and i going to visit one of our other girlfriends, but he came along. no big deal! we had an okay time, but she didn’t make much conversation. whatever. fast forward to a year or so later, and i had heard the news that her fiancée/husband had passed away. i texted her my condolences and said if she needed anything i’d be here for her. I reached out because regardless of our growing apart and not knowing him too well, I still felt terrible for her and her situation. she responded (i blocked her otherwise id show the messages here) calling me a “dumb b*tch” and made comments about how i didn’t even know him and didn’t have the right to reach out or saying anything about him…she also mentioned that day she came to visit and how i didn’t even try to talk to him or her. but the entire time they sat on different furniture from my other friend and i, drove separately, and sat at the far end of the table when we were out to eat. AITA for reaching out regardless of our differences???
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A friend of mine from grade school went into the air force and after a year or so, we didn’t talk to each other as often. We were in very different places in life and it just felt like we grew apart imo. A few years ago, she came home to visit for a few days and she brought her now deceased fiancée. I was under the impression it would just be her and i going to visit one of our other girlfriends, but he came along. no big deal! we had an okay time, but she didn’t make much conversation. whatever. fast forward to a year or so later, and i had heard the news that her fiancée/husband had passed away. i texted her my condolences and said if she needed anything i’d be here for her. I reached out because regardless of our growing apart and not knowing him too well, I still felt terrible for her and her situation. she responded (i blocked her otherwise id show the messages here) calling me a “dumb b*tch” and made comments about how i didn’t even know him and didn’t have the right to reach out or saying anything about him…she also mentioned that day she came to visit and how i didn’t even try to talk to him or her. but the entire time they sat on different furniture from my other friend and i, drove separately, and sat at the far end of the table when we were out to eat. AITA for reaching out regardless of our differences???
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i want to know if i was wrong to reach out since we grew apart and she clearly doesn’t agree with my doing so.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
If you never showed mailice torwards them, then you did nothing wrong. It sounds like she is still grieving and may be lashing out in response. I suggest you give her some space and absolutely do not try to argue with her about it.
NTA. Reaching out with condolences isn’t some wild overstep, it’s literally the bare minimum of human decency, even if you aren’t close anymore. You weren’t trying to insert yourself into her grief, just showing compassion. Her reaction says way more about her than it does about you. Grief can make people lash out, sure, but that doesn’t mean you were wrong for sending a kind message.
It sounds like the friendship had already drifted apart and she might’ve still been holding onto some resentment, but that’s not your fault. You did the thoughtful thing.
NTA at all, you were just being polite. It’s probably a difficult time for her but not a reason to BTA to you
NTA. Unless she had previously expressed her disappointment in her previous visit and communicated that she no longer wanted to be friends, you did her the courtesy of expressing condolences.
Blocking her seems to be the best solution, now that you know how she feels, whether or not she has reason to feel that way.
NTA – you reached out to her as a friend, not because of necessarily knowing her fiancé/husband.
I’m very recently bereaved & have had people reach out that I haven’t spoken to for possibly a decade, they never even met my daughter, but they are showing they care, which is appreciated.
You tried to be kind, it sounds like she’s hurting & lashing out.
Don’t take it personally.
NTA.
NTA but her response, even while grieving was a clear sign for you that you are no longer friends, and it’s okay to let that ship sail. Think of it as a parting gift. She showed you who she is. All good. Move on , and steer clear.
Nope, NTA, but let it drop.
NTA.
Even if it had been a while since you two last spoke, sending condolences is normal and acceptable. I’m sure she’s grieving, but like others have said, that doesn’t excuse her behavior.
NTA
Sending condolences is pretty much the accepted protocol even if you have lost touch with a person.
Obviously your ex-friend is experiencing trauma but almost everyone dealing with a death is traumatized and almost everyone is able to – at worse – ignore people who inadvertently offend.
I remember when my brother died relatively young and some people would say the most inadvertently offensive things like “at least you have another child” and my mother would just nod because she knew the person was just socially awkward and not mean spirited.
I wanted to emphasize that I do NOT think what you did or what you said was inappropriate but just pointing out that your ex-friend’s response was *abnormal* since they should have just done nothing even if they felt “offended” in some way.
NTA. You did the right thing. She is obviously a very different person than the one you knew years ago. Pray for her to find peace & move on.
No she’s the ASS. Just the way some folk are but HES dead . So not him at least.
NTA Grief makes people do strange things. Don’t hold this against your HS friend.
YTA as someone who lost their partner the last people you want to hear from are from people that were your ex friends or people that were estranged from you! When you have a partner that passes away, you have so many people reach out to you and so many people that come out of the woodwork did you haven’t talked to in so damn long and yes, it’s very angering for these people to suddenly appear in your life when you really don’t need them . You don’t care what their reasoning was and there’s a reason why they’re out of your life.
NTA you reached out to her. It was not about you knowing him. You were being kind to her.
What an unpleasant response.
NTA—-what you did was a heartfelt gesture with no ill-intent. Your friend is grieving and unfortunately there are no rules on how to grieve. Some people are calm, some silent, some want to burn down the world—you get the idea. Your friend is lashing out and to be honest, the fact that she brought up the awkward visit suggests neither one of you were at your best. Whether you reconnect or not, you have to be clear that not engaging with a “friend” who came in town—-who I also assume you wanted to build a new relationship with—can be perceived as weird. I’m not excusing her behavior, but you’re the one here asking for feedback. I think she overreacted in her response, but based on context, it feels like calling her a friend may be overstating, it’s more of a tolerant interaction.
NTA. What difference does it make whether you knew him or not. You were reaching out to a friend about the passing of their husband. I’ve had coworkers who lost spouses that I never met and yet I sent condolences. It’s the proper thing to do and I think she’s taking out her grief on you but she doesn’t know how to process it.