My (17F) parents got divorced when I was a child. I always thought the divorce was amicable, my dad was always there for me, I could talk to him about pretty much anything. Both my parents were very present in my life and I am truly grateful for my childhood.
My dad joined the army a few years ago. Now, a couple months ago he had a week off. I was on my way to an appointment, when I met him. And his girfriend. And a child. At first I was quite happy, because he finally has a girlfriend! He won’t die alone! When I started asking about how long they were dating he said “long”. I jokingly said “well the child isn’t yours? Ha ha”. This man looked me in the eye and said it is. The child in question is eleven. I think he was scared I would find out abot the whole thing at his funeral and decided to prevent that.
So the story goes: my mom and dad had a rogh patch. Apparently that was enough for my father to cheat on my mom with her coworker. Who was also married. This encounter led to the mistress getting pregnant. My mom was very angry about the whole thing, but she didn’t want me to grow up fatherless, so she just divorced him on kinda good terms. They kept a quite friendly relationship after that, so I didn’t suspect a thing.
When I found out about the whole thing I was devastated. I now realise that my father is not the sort of person I thought he was. I feel repulsed just thinking about him.
I didn’t yell at him, I just calmly explained that I now have a very low opinion of him, and now have no interest in having conversations with him.
I still answer when he calls, but I don’t “engage” in our talks. Like, before I would tell him what I had for lunch, how I saw a funny dog and what I think about my new teacher. Now I cannot do this. I can’t force myself to answer with more then one word. I don’t ask any questions back, don’t fill in the silence.
My mom says I’m being too harsh and I will regret acting this way. At this point I’m so confused about my feelings I think that she may be right. So, AITA?
Comments
Wow… He hid your sibling from you? That is now 11 years old…? That’s insanely hurtful.
NTA.
I would totally understand if you never trust him again. And imo your mom is just saying ‘its fine’ because she sees the child as a “bastard”. But to you the child is a sibling.
NTA. If my father cheated on my mother and had an affair child, I’d go no contact. And then hiding it from you? Even more of a reason. I wouldn’t entertain a man like that.
NTA – hiding a sibling is awful. He’s also a cheater and your mother is lovely to still promote your relationship and not let what he did affect you. That’s a great mother.
However, you are old enough to make your own decisions and if you don’t want to see or speak to him then that’s up to you. I would be upset too if I was in your shoes. Has your dad even apologised to you for his actions? I’d go no contact with him.
NTA – People make mistakes, but to hide this from you for 11 years is horrible.
NAH. I agree with your mother.
Remember: she’s half of who put you in this situation, and not a different one, so that when you are angry, it is at the right person for the right reasons. I agree with how they handled it.
It’ll pass. You’ll learn the lesson you need to. Until then wait it out and remain in contact that your regrets will be minimal.
NTA. Take your time to process this, you being confused is normal. I think your reaction is also normal and certainly justifiable. Your dad and his wife have had 11+ years knowing this, to you this brand new information. I think your mom is trying to point that out, this is new to you and you need to take the time you need to consider how you want to proceed and what that could mean for you. Maybe simply tell your dad you need some time to think this through on your own and will contact him when you are ready.
From your post, it sounds like your mom did know there was a child. I get why she wouldn’t tell you as it was not her place as they were over and her job was you, not him or his crap. It was your dads job to tell you because it is his child and his life. Why your dad waited so long is a mystery, not only about the child but his girlfriend. Eleven years without a word about either, how is that possible and why the lie of omission? Why would he not want you to have a relationship with his other child? Why keep you and this child separate for so long? Why did he not tell you about them before you meeting them?
NTA. I am so sorry. Your father is a terrible human being and his girlfriend is a homewrecker.
My parents are divorced and have kept amicable for events and stuff, but I don’t think I could get over either parent having a separate family and not telling me for 11 years. That is insane. The only reason is bc your father knew he was wrong and too much of a coward to stand up for his actions, which beyond cheating include having a whole child!!! He has been living a fake life. I am so sorry. This must be devastating. Please follow your gut. You don’t have to tell your father never again if you want to leave yourself a loophole, but I am petty and would tell my father to check in with me in 11 years.
updateme
NAH. I wouldn’t rule out reconciliation eventually, but I would be angry to not know about a sibling and partner for 11 years.
He should have introduced you to his new partner and your new sibling when you were considerably younger, and both of your parents should have expressed a desire to be amicable even though your mother was understandably disappointed and hurt by his choices.
Both your parents lied to you for 11 years to cover up his cheating and the entire human created by that cheating. Of course you dont want to talk. You should be getting quality time with a therapist to process all of this. The people you are supposed to be able to trust most are liars. They lied by omission and hid a sibling. Neither of them are innocent in that deception. Though your dad certainly has added sleaziness for the affair.
NTA
Your dad just put you through a huge, massive shock. If he actually cared about how his reveal would affect you, he would have taken it slowly. Not “hey, here’s my hidden family that I’ve been purposefully hiding from you. Enjoy!”
He and your mom! should have discussed this with you together, ideally in a family counseling session. They both set up this introductory to fail. Their refusal to tell you the truth was a betrayal.
Get yourself into counseling and insist that your parents pay for it. You have a lot to work through. Try to find a safe place to stay, if you are living with your mom. Remember: you have nothing to regret because you did nothing wrong. It’s all on your parents.
NTA. Frankly, I’m amazed that you still speak to him.
Maybe dad should’ve considered he might regret acting the way HE did when he A) had an affair and B) fully concealed your sibling’s existence for over a decade. You’re absolutely NTA for taking time and space to process this huge information. Do you have a counsellor you could speak to? It’s a lot to take in and untangle, therapy could be helpful if you can speak to someone you can trust who isn’t directly involved in these events as your parents are.
NTA-Wow, I am so very sorry. Your dad is a horrible person. Do what is best for you. Your mother is far too tolerant.
NTA let your father feel the consequence of being a cheater. Maybe thats why he is so brazen, he did not have any consequence
When I started asking about how long they were dating he said “long”. I jokingly said “well the child isn’t yours? Ha ha”.
I don’t understand how you got from them dating for a long time to joking about an 11-yr-old not being his.
And I’m not trying to blow up your world even further, but obviously both of your parents lied to you. It’s hard when you learn that your parents are fallible beings who sometimes make terrible decisions, but that doesn’t make them terrible people. Both of your parents were there for you and gave you a good childhood, and that’s not nothing.
I’m not saying don’t be upset about it. It was a terrible thing to do, and the kindest interpretation is that they didn’t want to add additional upset at the time of the divorce, and then they just got in deeper and deeper, and it became all the harder to tell you.
It’s okay and a perfectly normal reaction to not be able to easily chat with your dad right now. This will take time to process. When you feel able to do so, I’d ask for an explanation.
If the money is there, therapy would be a good idea. You can go on your own, and decide down the road if you want either or both parents to participate in some way.
your mom is wrong.
and she should not tell you how to behave in this area nor how to feel.
what kind of parents would keep a child secret?
she’s upset for two reasons:
Both your parents are @ssholes and want to manipulate you so they feel good
NTA. Your father is not who he presented to you all these years. Morally, he crossed the line by cheating on your mother with her coworker, hiding a half sibling, and basically lying to you. He hid his life from you. Going low contact with him would be understandable as he was an AH to you for showing a lack of integrity. He should have been up front with you years ago. This is a huge trust issue.
*than
Nah. That’s horrible he kept that from you. They went about this so mentally wrong for you. My situation was very messed up as well. I don’t consider myself having another sibling. I cut contact eventually with my dad altogether.
NTA
You’re NTA. It’s understandable that you are having these emotions. Help your mom understand someone she will stop pressuring you.
“On one hand, I want to thank you. You and dad were able to put aside the issues you had between the two of you to give me two loving parents who were both part of my childhood. I know you hid the hurt, pain, and truth from me so that my relationship with dad wasn’t tainted by the relationship you had together. Not enough parents do this, so for this aspect, I do want to thank you for trying to put me first. However, here’s the problem. I know the truth now, I just found it out. You and dad have had 11+ years to go through the stages of grief, tonfeel your feelings on everything that happened, and learn to live with however both you have ended up feeling about the entire situation. I haven’t had that time. This is all brand new to me, and my feelings about it reflect this. I haven’t had the time to process or deal with it. I’m doing that now. I have just found out that the man I looked up to and loved as my father is not the man I thought he was. I just found out he betrayed me, too. I can’t just pretend everything is OK anymore than you could when it was fresh for you. This changes everything I ever thought i knew, and I know you know that because if that wasn’t true, the two of you would have never split up. I need time to figur]e out my thoughts and feelings on all of this. I need time to not only come to terms with the truth but also the fact that my parents lied to me my whole life. I know you had the best of intentions by doing so, I just dont know what i feel about any of it right now. Your wound has healed and scarred over. Mine is freshly ripped open. I won’t regret taking a step back to allow myself to process. If and when im ready, I’ll take those steps to open communication back up. But for now, I need to hear my own voice, my own thoughts, and my own heart and figure out what this means to me, if it changes anything or doesn’t. I need to figure out if im angry or feel lied to or if im just heartbroken and disappointed. Really, it’s all that and more. Please, give me the time I deserve to understand all of this because it does affect me.”
Say it to both your parents. Take the time you need to process and allow yourself to feel. If you’re not already going, therapy may be a good idea to help you through this. Dont let anyone tell you that you need to get through this on anyone else’s timeline except your own. This is a big revelation. Of course, you’re going to have a wild mix of thoughts and feelings on it. That’s ok, do what you need to do. Feel what you need to feel.
You have every right to be upset. He kept a whole half sibling hidden from you for 11 years. That’s 11 years of built up lies. You lost you trust and he has to earn it back. NTA
Hiding a sibling and then springing the surprise sibling that was the result of an affair that ended your family? Yeah, your father and mom both suck for not telling you sooner. NTA
What your parents did in their relationship is ultimately their decision. They were protecting you whether you want to believe that or not is your call. Your mom was classy enough to keep her dignity and moved on. What can you gain by being distant now it certainly won’t change the outcome. Be a good sister to your sibling!
This sounds like a second chance romance where there’s a secret child that the dad learned about when they met up again years later.
You’re not an AH, but you are hurting, and you should take a step back and really reflect on everything.
You said your parents went through a rough patch 12 years ago… Did they separate for a while without you (at 5 I would hide it from my child) didn’t know about? Because if they were separated and then later divorced, that’s not really cheating as far as I see it.
Even if they didn’t separate first…
Your mom didn’t wallow in heartache, so I would wager that the relationship was truly over for both of them, and if they maintained a friendly relationship, and were both great parents to you, that really only leaves the secret sibling as something to be upset about.
You have a choice now. Have a relationship with your brother, and your dad, or lose them both.
You can take your time, but don’t choose to deny them to punish your dad. It’s not your job to punish him for things he did in the past.
Just my two cents.
INFO: How did your father react to you saying you’ve lost respect for him? Did he own up or did he make excuses?
I’ve always wondered about what goes through person’s mind when they cheat and how they square away how their kids will react to finding out.
NTA, your dad kind of sucks for this and I hope it eats at him for being repeatedly a failure.
Updateme
Your mother didn’t tell you either? When my mom found out I had a secret half-sibling, she told me right away. It’s great that your mom was able to play nice for your sake, though, so I guess I can’t fault her too much.
Finding out your dad is a kinda shitty person is hard. I was about your age when I figured it out too. I still talk to him because I have a relationship with my stepmom and non-secret half-siblings, but I sure as hell don’t enjoy his company.
How you handle it is up to you, but I will say: Don’t hold on to anger. If you don’t like the guy and don’t have interest in a relationship, then that’s totally fine. But anger isn’t healthy. Work through your anger and then decide how you want to move forward with a clear head.