I (F26) have three older half-siblings (F35, F31, M30) from my mum’s first marriage. Different dads, mine was in my life 50/50 growing up. They’ve always called me ‘spoiled’ ‘dramatic’ ‘too sensitive’ and for years one sister called me bipolar because of mood swings (I now know I have ADHD).
We had a period of getting on well, but for most of my life they’ve made digs that felt harsh even though they called them banter.
Last sunday we got together to celebrate my birthday that was on the Thursday. My mum (F55) and I arrived at my brother’s. Sister S knocked £30 off a phone I was buying from her as my gift, brother G forgave £50 I’d borrowed, other sister K gave nothing (which I didn’t mind given her financial situation she has kids). No one gave a card. My mum gave me one and a gift on my actual birthday. My financial situation has been dire for the last few years so I’ve not been great with gifts or cards for birthdays and Christmas’s but it was my brothers birthday in June and I put £80 towards a ring for him from me and my sisters.
The day was full of little jabs:
When I expressed excitement about my new phone, G said, ‘Alright, we’ve all had a phone before’
I teased G about finally admitting to an incident from childhood, S (not in the convo) said, ‘You’re lucky that’s all he did, you deserved a lot more’
When I mentioned watching a film with K, S pulled a face and said ‘ew why would you wanna watch that?’
Individually small, but in the context of years of this, it stung. On the way home my mum and I agreed the vibe felt hostile.
Later, my mum messaged the group saying she was disappointed in how the day went. I followed with a message suggesting we talk in person. They all denied wrongdoing, said it was just banter and that we all talk to each other like that. I don’t think that’s the case I don’t pick at their insecurities or label them with mental health conditions.
G said he treats everyone the same and won’t change for me. If I don’t like it, we don’t need a relationship.
I feel like I can’t win, if I speak up in the moment I’m ‘too sensitive’ if I bring it up later I ‘should’ve said it at the time’ Their reaction hurt more than the comments themselves.
I had a toxic relationship break down 18 months ago lots of cheating and emotional manipulation which they didn’t know about until it ended but there were obvious signs I wasn’t in a good place. K was supportive with phone calls and offers to stay at hers but S just said ‘I don’t know why you stayed with him for so long’ and G didn’t even acknowledge it.
I had to cut a lot of what I wanted to say because of the character count so I’m happy to answer questions or give more context.
AITA for reacting when it felt like they ruined my birthday?
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I (F26) have three older half-siblings (F35, F31, M30) from my mum’s first marriage. Different dads, mine was in my life 50/50 growing up. They’ve always called me ‘spoiled’ ‘dramatic’ ‘too sensitive’ and for years one sister called me bipolar because of mood swings (I now know I have ADHD).
We had a period of getting on well, but for most of my life they’ve made digs that felt harsh even though they called them banter.
Last sunday we got together to celebrate my birthday that was on the Thursday. My mum (F55) and I arrived at my brother’s. Sister S knocked £30 off a phone I was buying from her as my gift, brother G forgave £50 I’d borrowed, other sister K gave nothing (which I didn’t mind given her financial situation she has kids). No one gave a card. My mum gave me one and a gift on my actual birthday. My financial situation has been dire for the last few years so I’ve not been great with gifts or cards for birthdays and Christmas’s but it was my brothers birthday in June and I put £80 towards a ring for him from me and my sisters.
The day was full of little jabs:
When I expressed excitement about my new phone, G said, ‘Alright, we’ve all had a phone before’
I teased G about finally admitting to an incident from childhood, S (not in the convo) said, ‘You’re lucky that’s all he did, you deserved a lot more’
When I mentioned watching a film with K, S pulled a face and said ‘ew why would you wanna watch that?’
Individually small, but in the context of years of this, it stung. On the way home my mum and I agreed the vibe felt hostile.
Later, my mum messaged the group saying she was disappointed in how the day went. I followed with a message suggesting we talk in person. They all denied wrongdoing, said it was just banter and that we all talk to each other like that. I don’t think that’s the case I don’t pick at their insecurities or label them with mental health conditions.
G said he treats everyone the same and won’t change for me. If I don’t like it, we don’t need a relationship.
I feel like I can’t win, if I speak up in the moment I’m ‘too sensitive’ if I bring it up later I ‘should’ve said it at the time’ Their reaction hurt more than the comments themselves.
I had a toxic relationship break down 18 months ago lots of cheating and emotional manipulation which they didn’t know about until it ended but there were obvious signs I wasn’t in a good place. K was supportive with phone calls and offers to stay at hers but S just said ‘I don’t know why you stayed with him for so long’ and G didn’t even acknowledge it.
I had to cut a lot of what I wanted to say because of the character count so I’m happy to answer questions or give more context.
AITA for reacting when it felt like they ruined my birthday?
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> I think I might be the asshole for calling them out in a group chat that includes their partners. I might have overreacted.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re not the asshole (NTA) for being disappointed about your birthday celebration with your family but your older siblings are not going to change. Going forward you need to decide how much you want to interact with them especially on special occasions. Stop letting other people ruin your special moments. There is nothing wrong if you want to take a step back.
NTA, but stop trying to force a relationship. Do your own thing. They aren’t interested in being nice to you.
NTA. It sounds like an unhealthy and extremely unpleasant dynamic. Since they seemingly aren’t very open to discussing it, you should probably begin creating more space. You can set the terms for how you engage with them. Maybe text-based check-ins and updates are better for a while, maybe 1-1 time is healthier and friendlier, etc. It sounds like there are a lot of factors in play here but they let themselves look down on you, judge you, and quasi-parent you, even though you’re now well into adulthood. It may stem from resentment they have towards you for being ‘other’ from them, the product of a relationship your mom had that they didn’t fully embrace, etc. If that’s the case, they might not even fully realize the feelings behind this treatment (and it sounds like they are in denial that there even is a problem).
The saddest thing here is that they aren’t willing to hear you out. Even if they weren’t doing the things you’re describing, or there were good reasons or alternative POVs on these interactions, there isn’t any reparation that can be made if they refuse to even consider it, talk it out, or try to pay attention to how they’re treating you and how you’re feeling. To me, there is no excuse for that no matter WHO is wrong or right. 🙁 Their responses have made plain to you how much they value your relationship. You also don’t have to have the same relationship with all of them. You can cautiously make room for a closer relationship with K, for example, if you consider her to be more kind and supportive than the others.
NTA, but these people aren’t acting like family, even if they are. Best to maybe not include them in things that bring you joy in your life, or not include them at all. They sound horrid.
NTA. Based on what I just read from your post, I see no reason why you should feel bad at all. Your siblings sound like rotten people but it could be they just are more miserable than rotten.
It really sucks because family is so important to our well being and feelings of being loved and supported. I don’t want to tell you to cut them off as that’s just a horrible thing to have to do. Plus, I think it would really hurt your Mom. I can only suggest that you figure out how to manage them going forward. Maybe not see them all at the same time, as they are clearly ganging up on you. Or just standing your ground firmly and never let them put you on the defensive. Their challenges are their challenges. As the youngest of 4, they should be helping and supporting you. Not making you feel bad.
Stop spending time with people who treat you unkindly. Celebrate your birthdays/other holidays with people who like you and show it. NTA, of course. But be in charge of who you see and how long you see them. If anyone gets upset that you are no longer allowing yourself to be belittled, ignore them. Perhaps you should disentangle your life from your 1/2-siblings. Stop lending them money, stop buying things from them.
NTA. My big brother is exactly the same with me and some of my other younger sisters. He throws insecurities in my face.He tries to put us down with “banter”. I have no advice but I understand you and don’t think you’re overreacting. My parents are on my side too. I just avoid him to be honest.
Nta
But this almost feels like you were a result of an affair
NTA they all sound pretty immature and unkind. But the good news is you’re an adult now, and don’t have to spend so much time with them. For your birthday you can go out with friends, or just your mom, and same for other events and special celebrations. Distance yourself from them a bit, and when you do have to be around them, try to gray rock them and not react to their digs.
NTA for how you feel but it’s time to accept that while there may have been some good times, they think of you as one of their own and do have a foundational resentment or dislike. They may not even acknowledge that to themselves and they definitely aren’t going to admit it to you are your mom. Think about it – if they say ok, yeah I was picking on you because I resent you, the very next conversation is going to be your mom trying to work on them to stop feeling that way or acting that way. And for them it is not a problem.
So match the energy in terms of gifts. Don’t expect them to be friendly and don’t feel guilty about not doing family time because it’s not going to go drastically different than what you just experienced.
NTA, the dynamic sounds like a classic dysfunctional family dynamic drama with you unfortunately playing the scapegoat. It’s not just banter it’s casual digs that everyone has accepted as “normal” behaviour despite it being incredibly toxic. My family is like this and all I can say is please invest in therapy and prioritizing yourself. If you keep contact truly the best thing you can do is not react or like make then seem ridiculous by asking to over explain every little dig and swipe at you. They often won’t be able to without sounding like an ass and it will drive them mad.
It’s not you, it’s them.