I’ve been friends with this girl for a long time, about ten years now, so we’ve both known each other for ages. We recently grabbed lunch together at a restaurant to catch up, and she clearly had something on her mind, but I figured I’d let her bring it up whenever she was ready. Towards the middle of our visit, she said she had to let me know something, and to keep it between us. I agreed and she said she was bisexual. I replied something along the lines of “I figured so.” Conversation continued on what I thought was seemingly normal. We both finished our food and left.
The next day I woke up to a message from her saying the she was hurt that I wasn’t more accepting of her, which wasn’t my intention. I messaged back saying that she knows that I don’t care about that and I’m sorry if my reaction came across the wrong way, as I wouldn’t want to hurt her. I am typically very blunt but I should have been more aware of what she needed at the time. it’s too late to change the past, but I said that I can be that now if she wants. She just left me on read and hasn’t responded to any text and/or calls. Other friends are starting to get involved and I don’t really know what to do.
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I’ve been friends with this girl for a long time, about ten years now, so we’ve both known each other for ages. We recently grabbed lunch together at a restaurant to catch up, and she clearly had something on her mind, but I figured I’d let her bring it up whenever she was ready. Towards the middle of our visit, she said she had to let me know something, and to keep it between us. I agreed and she said she was bisexual. I replied something along the lines of “I figured so.” Conversation continued on what I thought was seemingly normal. We both finished our food and left.
The next day I woke up to a message from her saying the she was hurt that I wasn’t more accepting of her, which wasn’t my intention. I messaged back saying that she knows that I don’t care about that and I’m sorry if my reaction came across the wrong way, as I wouldn’t want to hurt her. I am typically very blunt but I should have been more aware of what she needed at the time. it’s too late to change the past, but I said that I can be that now if she wants. She just left me on read and hasn’t responded to any text and/or calls. Other friends are starting to get involved and I don’t really know what to do.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I reacted very bluntly to my friend coming out, saying something like “I figured.” I think I may be the asshole because I could have been more compassionate to a friend at a vulnerable time
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I can’t speak for everyone but for me, that would be pretty much the ideal reaction lol
I’m very “straight-passing” and in a heterosexual relationship so it doesn’t come up much but that would be the reaction I want
“Yeah, okay” and move on because it’s not that big of a deal🤷♂️
NTA
Some things might be a big deal when you’re living through it, like a sexual orientation that is not the norm, but you’re not obliged to act like a side character and respond how you’re supposed to in their mind.
My reaction was about the same when my sister came out: Ok, pass the salt please.
YTA. Your version of being accepting is dismissive. This was a big deal to her and you brushed it aside. Even your follow up “I don’t care about that” is dismissing her. You may not intend it that way but own the impact.
She wanted it to be dramatic and cathartic because that’s what she built up in her head. Years from now, your nonchalance will be the reaction she sees as the healthiest. Stay uninvolved with the friends who are showing up for the drama.
Be clear, and incredibly succinct. “I don’t care if she’s bi. It doesn’t change anything for me. I have nothing bad to say about her at all and I don’t want to discuss this behind her back.”
Come on, if you are on reddit you are probably too much online and must have heard about these situations before.
If people tell you something big that is weighing on there mind you have to thank them for taking you into their confidence.
You are fine with it, and you knew you’d be fine with it, and probably she also expected you’d be fine with it, but a small part of her was afraid she was going to loose a friend and you ignoring that fear hurt her.
edit for vote: NAH, no one was trying to hurt anyone
Exactly my response when all my friends have come out.
Yeah i know. Good you figured it out.
hugs and smiles
Never had someone wanting more of a response.
Seems like they just wanted it to be more dramatic or they thought they hide it so well nobody would “know”.
NTA. Not at all.
Bro what did she expect? That seems like a normal reaction from someone who’s an accepting person
NTA
Sounds like she was looking for more of a reaction than you gave. Doesn’t mean either of you ITA. You didn’t give her the reaction she wanted.
NAH. A good rule of thumb is to match someone’s energy when they come out to you. If they mention it nonchalantly then a quick acknowledgement before moving on is probably fine. But if they ask if they can tell you something or for you to keep it a secret, they’re probably hoping for reassurance. For some people coming out is a sentence, for others it’s a conversation; it’s a good idea to only make as big a deal out of it as the other person does because it could be anywhere from a huge moment to a brief sidenote to them, and only they get to decide how they feel about it.
Sounds like you already were in acceptance mode before you were told? I’ve heard people be grateful for reactions like that, others want more emotion/fuss, not sure you could have known what they needed in the moment?
NTA, that’s her own fucking issue if nobody cares lol. Most women i know are bi anyways.
They were probably really scared to come out and maybe wanted more visible support at that moment, but there’s no bad people here. You told them in the text that you accept them, hope they feel better soon!
NTA – seems she wanted you take make a big deal about it but as you’re a good friend you don’t really care either way!
NTA. What more could you want from a reaction? you treated her like how you normally would. You didnt react negatively.
Did she expect a movie scene? I can’t help but feel that she wanted you to react in an overly positive way, and you were not obligated to do that. You gave a very normal reaction to the situation.
The sooner more people behave like you did the better.
It shouldn’t be a drama. Ideally it shouldn’t even be worth mentioning as no one gives a shit about the shape of the person you date.
NTA
Nta. She probably had a script built up in her head because she was so stressed about it, and you didn’t stick to the hypothetical script.
INFO: What is your gender and sexuality?
NTA that’s exactly the kind of reaction I’d want: A solid indication that I was correct to choose you as a friend. Anyone who got dramatic would be someone to distance myself from. It isn’t worthy of drama. It shouldn’t even be something you have to ‘come out’ over, unfortunately a lot of people suck and here we are.
thats why people hate on woke community they always want to be dramatic etc. that they are special. often times even pretend to be gay, lesbian etc.
NTA. I’m praying for that reaction…
“You want a parade, go downtown.
You want acceptance, I’m right here.”
NTA. Personally, I don’t think it was your reaction your friend had an issue with but it may have been the words you used.
“I figured so” sounds a bit dismissive (even if you didn’t intend it that way). Someone coming out shouldn’t be met with a dramatic reaction, either positive or negative, but it’s still a very big moment for someone because it’s essentially the culmination of a lot of introspection, soul-searching, and acceptance.
I would’ve gone with a friendly “thanks for telling me” or “I’m glad you feel comfortable enough for sharing that with me” and then move on.
Soft YTA – coming out can be a scary and intimidating thing. Vulnerability in any form is hard, and it needs to be acknowledged. By saying you “figured”, it can come across like you don’t think it is a big deal, which in many ways is great because it doesn’t change how you view her. But to her, it probably IS a big deal, and by saying she needs to let you know something, she’s indirectly telling you this.
You’ve done the right thing by apologising. Give her time to process this, and when you speak again, acknowledge that it may have been difficult for her and that her you appreciate the fact she felt she could tell you. Sometimes we unintentionally hurt people and we have to give them the time to feel their feelings before they’re ready to talk. I’m sure she’ll reach out to you when she’s ready.
NTA
It seems like you were perfectly accepting. What she actually wanted was for you to be excited for her.
YTA soft. But still.
Ultimately, this comment is a double edge sword. If it lands, it lands well. If it doesn’t, it really doesn’t.
For some it feels like being seen. For others it feels dismissive. It feels weird. Like “how did you know but I didnt” or “but I didn’t WANT you to know”
The most respectful response to someone coming out will always be “thank you for telling me, I accept you” or something along those lines. Not “well, I had deduced this earlier, fruitcake”
NTA but it may be helpful to try to understand where your friend is coming from. She might have felt like it was a really big, courageous action for her to take to come out to you, and wanted to be validated in both her sexuality and that feeling of vulnerability and courage. So she felt let down by your response. You didn’t include any details about how others are getting involved but if I were you I’d just reaffirm that she’s important to you, that you didn’t mean to hurt her in your reaction to her coming out but that ultimately it didn’t seem to matter to you (i.e. not that you don’t care, but that it doesn’t change your love for her). It sounds like you’ve already done that, so I think you could just leave it because she might just need some time and space to process.
NTA. That being said, it’s hard to come out. I get that you probably figured she was bi, but she didn’t, it took time and I think you could’ve validated her feelings more.
“Thank you for feeling safe enough to share this with me” might have been a more validating response
NTA She should be happy you took it well considering a lot of people (including me) grow up hearing how LGBTQ is bad. You could’ve said you guys couldn’t be friends, left the table, or straight up said something hurtful. If she’s throwing a tantrum because you didn’t dramatically cry while “accepting” you guys probably shouldn’t be friends anymore. She’s making a mountain out of a molehill.
Tbh “I figured so” is a very accepting response? You literally said that you had a feeling all this time yet you still stayed her friend. Maybe she built up a scenario in her head where you’d be more surprised and maybe hug her, and that’s why she feels like your response was inappropriate. That’s on her, she can’t control or expect how others react to her news. If she’s willing to cut the friendship over this, good riddance for you.
Btw, she asked to keep it between you two yet friends are starting to get involved?
NAH, but her reaction can be explained by the fact that she expected an emotional reaction commensurate with what she had to overcome to tell you about it.
Understand the effort needed to talk to you about it and what it might mean for her.
Your reaction is healthy, but in a world that is not, it can often be perceived as “off”
She was probably looking for a few things.
It probably took her a lot of courage to say it. Acknowledgement of that courage would probably be on the list.
Reassurance that it doesn’t affect your relationship. You hinted at this but didn’t say it explicitly. You covered it in your text but it probably came off as less sincere than if it was in the moment.
Lastly does she watch Ted Lasso? There’s an episode where one of the characters comes out and the whole team says “we don’t care, you’re still one of us!”. Ted speaks up and says actually we do care, then explains why. It’s a very good scene.
If she saw it, she might have been hoping for something closer to that. Yes it’s a TV show and not reality, but it can still affect our expectations and fantasies about what will happen when we finally do what we have been planning and gathering courage for.
So all this is to say that you are definitely NTA. But you still probably fell short of the reaction she most likely played out in her head dozens of times.
I’m sure you’ll figure out how to restore your friendship. Good luck.
Generally, I don’t assume I know how someone identifies, unless or until someone wants to share. When they do, my usual response is “Okay” or “Thank you for sharing”.
That’s it, because it’s only one facet of who they are, to me & it’s just another part of the overall person, which is what I focus on.
NTA
I mean that’s how I reacted to my older brother coming out. In my head I was like ‘yeah it explains a lot’ but I told him “Okay that’s good to know,” and moved on. It’s scary coming out and doesn’t make a reaction less important when they don’t immediately jump up, yell, and scream in happiness, people react differently.
NAH.
She was expecting explicit statements of reassurance and acceptance. It isn’t wrong of her to want that. Her emotional needs are valid.
You had no way of knowing she was expecting that. What you said was reasonable and valid.
Seems like the easiest way to resolve is to let her know you weren’t aware it was an important coming out to her, and apologise that you hurt her. Finally, she’s still looking for what she was expecting in the first place — explicit reassurance of acceptance.
NAH it’s scary to come out to your friends, so I understand she probably built it up in her head. Just be clear that this new information doesn’t change how you feel about your friendship, and that you appreciate that she felt safe telling you. Your initial reaction is fine, she’s just in her head as she navigates this new phase of her life being out.
She was nervous and asked to tell you something in confidence and you basically told her it was obvious and everyone knew. I think there is a difference between telling people when you are already out and most people around you know and accept you (especially your family) and telling the first few people. A lot of queer people have to consider the possibility that their parents may not accept or love them, even those with progressive parents worry. There is a lot of comfort in being able to tell people at your own pace and in situations you control, you have to be ready for rejection from someone you know and trust. So the idea that it is so obvious can be very difficult to hear, you don’t know where you stand.
I also think that if someone if sitting you down and telling you this so seriously they either trust that you will love them and that you are a safe person or that they have to be honest about who they are and are willing to lose your whole friendship. Either one is quite a big moment for them. Someone being queer may not be a big deal to you but it is to them. Being so dismissive is a bit unkind.
I think nah but you could have been more sensitive. I don’t think you had any bad intentions but I do understand their reaction.
NTA whatsoever. You did absolutely nothing wrong, and had nothing to apologize for. You are not obligated to read her mind, or be her puppet and react or respond exactly how she wants. Personally she wouldn’t be in my life after this. The silent treatment is a manipulation and control tactic. She has loudly shown you that she has zero respect for you, and only wants you to be a puppet and act how she wants. Her toxic behavior is super gross. Same goes for anyone else cosigning her toxic BS. She’s the AH here, not you.