My daughter (16) has been planning a little “end of summer” gathering for about two weeks. She’s been so proud of doing it herself choosing the decorations, playlist, snacks, everything. I was really rooting for her on the whole way.
The day before the party, she had all the chairs lined up in one long row around a big table. It looked awesome but I couldn’t stop reminiscing about a similar get the together she had last year. At that one, one of her quieter friends ended up wedged between two of the loudest kids, barely spoke all night, and left early looking miserable. This year, she’s invited a new girl who just moved to town, and I instantly pictured her sitting there, smiling politely while everyone else talked over her.
While my daughter was out with friends, I re-arranged the seating into smaller clusters two café-style tables, a few chairs under the string lights, and some big floor cushions under the trees. My thought was that people could drift around, break into smaller conversations, and no one would get “stuck” in an awkward spot.
When she came home, she stared at the backyard and just said, “Why did you change everything?” I explained my reasoning, but she said I had “ruined her vision” and that I always had to “make things my way.” She wasn’t yelling she just looked disappointed, which honestly hurt more.
I tried to make her understand that I was thinking about her guests and wanting everyone to feel included but she said it wasn’t my job to “pre-solve” social situations and that if someone felt left out they could figure it out themselves.
Now she’s barely speaking to me, and I keep wondering if I crossed the line between helping and overstepping.
AITA for changing the setup without asking because I didn’t want some guest to feel invisible?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My daughter (16) has been planning a little “end of summer” gathering for about two weeks. She’s been so proud of doing it herself choosing the decorations, playlist, snacks, everything. I was really rooting for her on the whole way.
The day before the party, she had all the chairs lined up in one long row around a big table. It looked awesome but I couldn’t stop reminiscing about a similar get the together she had last year. At that one, one of her quieter friends ended up wedged between two of the loudest kids, barely spoke all night, and left early looking miserable. This year, she’s invited a new girl who just moved to town, and I instantly pictured her sitting there, smiling politely while everyone else talked over her.
While my daughter was out with friends, I re-arranged the seating into smaller clusters two café-style tables, a few chairs under the string lights, and some big floor cushions under the trees. My thought was that people could drift around, break into smaller conversations, and no one would get “stuck” in an awkward spot.
When she came home, she stared at the backyard and just said, “Why did you change everything?” I explained my reasoning, but she said I had “ruined her vision” and that I always had to “make things my way.” She wasn’t yelling she just looked disappointed, which honestly hurt more.
I tried to make her understand that I was thinking about her guests and wanting everyone to feel included but she said it wasn’t my job to “pre-solve” social situations and that if someone felt left out they could figure it out themselves.
Now she’s barely speaking to me, and I keep wondering if I crossed the line between helping and overstepping.
AITA for changing the setup without asking because I didn’t want some guest to feel invisible?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i rearrangement the seating arrangements for my daughter get together
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. I think you could have talked to her about it before making changes, explain your thoughts and that the “vision” is less important that making sure everyone has a great time.
But changing it without telling her I think is overstepping and triggering this reaction of defensiveness over the seating plan
Even though your intentions may have been good, I’d have to say YTA for waiting until she left before making the change.
Your daughter 16, not 5. You should have told her your concerns and discussed possible solutions if she agreed one was necessary.
YTA yes. Your reasoning is lovely and you meant well, but after she had set everything up, you should have talked to her about it before doing it.
YTA. If you want to be helpful, TALK to her about your concerns. Express your opinion, listen to HER opinion , and ultimately leave the final decision to her. That is what helping looks like. What you did is what we in the business call “taking over.”
YTA. You overstepped. These are not little kids. They need to figure these things out for themselves.
YTA
You should have discussed it with your daughter.
You need to let your daughter know your reasons for doing something like this before you do it not treat her like she’s five and do it the minute she’s gone. YTA
YTA
Yes, you definitely overstepped. This was her party to host — one that she’s worked really hard on.
You didn’t help. Helping would be making a suggestion, or having a discussion. Instead, you just took over.
Your daughter is 16. She’s still learning. She will not learn by you stepping in and taking over.
Your intentions were good.
Your execution was terrible. You should apologise for making changes without discussing them with her first.
YTA. Your daughter is 16, you had the time to discuss it with her, and you did not, you just did what you wanted, based on nothing but assumptions.
Sidenote, I will say too, have you considered that them quiet kids may not mind just sitting there quietly? And even if they do have a problem with it, perhaps it could be a life lesson to assert themselves, rather than have an adult come in, without being asked to, trying to solve “the issue” (which, again, may not even exist)? Presumably they’re the same age as your daughter, they’ll be adults soon, you don’t need to run around trying to smooth things over for them because you feel a certain way about it, because you interpret what happened last time a certain way.
I guess I just said what your daughter said, which is a good thing for her – but you need to reflect on why your daughter was able to communicate her feelings so well and you were not, which may be a pattern of behavior, if her saying that you “always make things your way” is true.
So…. you got the message?
YTA
It may have come from a place of love but it was misguided.
You allowed her to do her own thing then went behind her back to change things. I understand why you thought you were helping but did you consider you may have just made more problems?
Nevermind you went behind the party planner’s back to alter things you CANNOT know that you didn’t create problems like “I don’t want to be with this table, I want to be at that one”
In any group setting people can and do feel left out. You can’t wrap the party and guests in metaphorical cotton wool and expect it all to work out perfectly.
You do owe your daughter an apology but it isn’t the worst thing ever.
It’s her party not yours. Obviously
“I was really rooting for her until I decided she was doing it wrong. Then I changed everything when she wasn’t looking.”
YTA
Yes, YTA. You could have raised it with her earlier if you’d been concerned, but you don’t just sweep in and change something your kid has worked hard on without asking. She’s 16 not an infant.
YTA, very clearly.
The right action would’ve been to voice your concerns to your daughter, so that if she agreed she could change it.
The biggest YTA. You were “rooting” for her? You passed judgment on her vision. Your daughter is 16. What would have good, is if you asked her how she would handle the same type of situation as last year if it happened again. What a learning opportunity that would have been for your daughter. Come on, you just didn’t like the long table look. You preferred the cafe’ style set up.
YTA. It was coming from a good place, but the way you went about it completely undermined your daughter. I’m middle aged, and my mother constantly does this to me. It’s really hurtful and my therapist has to listen to me vent about it most sessions. Please take some time to analyse the way you interact with her because I doubt this is a one off (as evidenced by her comment of always making things your way). Also look at how you respond to her when she tells you that she’s unhappy with something you’re doing/have done. Mine is a narcissist, and anything other than gushing praise is received as an attack, and this has led to me completely shutting down around her the older I get. I tell her little to nothing about what’s going on because I don’t want to manage her emotions on top of trying to handle my own overabundance of bullshit
Sorry, YTA on this one. You shouldn’t have interfered, it’s a bit heavy handed. On the plus side, you’ve raised a smart capable daughter so kudos.
YTA – why did you change this while she was out instead of talking to her like a parent? Are you afraid of her?
YTA
You should have spoken with your daughter first and offered suggestions. Undoing her work undermines her.
I do see how you were trying to be considerate of some young people but as a past quiet teen sometimes the longer table is better, you are sitting within the group but no pressure to talk or find people to try to fit in with. In smaller groups it can be more obvious if people are quiet and not talking but you can feel less self conscious about that in a bigger group with louder people
YTA for just deciding you know better than her and changing things while she was gone. She’s 16 and clearly has her own opinions about things important to her and you didn’t even bother to talk to her before changing things around?
So your daughter arranged the seating and in your words „it looked awesome“ and you just turn around and destroy it? Wow.
YTA
YTA. While your reasons were valid. You should’ve discussed it with your daughter first.
Doing it while your daughter was out os kinda suspicious. And your daughter saying that you’re always having to make things your way is even more suspicious.
INFO: why did you wait until your daughter was out of the house to make your changes?
YTA. So instead of telling your daughter about an issue, you decided that you should ruin her hard work? You say you were rooting for her and then immediately went behind her back and changed it.
YTA
You did it without talking to her. It’s not your party, it’s hers
Please move the chairs back the way she had them
YTA
Why wasn’t your first reaction to apologize put it all back?
Even if you think it is rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, it was not your party, your daughter is 16, and you should respect her and her choices.
ESH
You for, as your daughter put it, trying to “pre-solve” social issues and definitely for changing around her planned seating arrangements while she was out. It was obviously important to her to arrange everything in her own way and, while your concerns are valid, you should have voiced them to her and had a discussion before changing things around.
Her, for suggesting that people who feel left out should figure it out themselves. That’s a crappy way to behave as a host. She should strive for everyone at a gathering she hosts to feel included and welcome.
So…yeah.
It was important to her to do this herself and she put a lot into it. I agree, the comment ” you always ” says it all.
YTA. This was HER event to plan. Not yours.
YTA. I hope she changed it back.
16??? YTA. When I read the headline I thought you were rearranging chairs for 6-year-olds to discourage leaning back in them and tipping over. Everything your daughter said was entirepy true. Tbh I would have thought you were an overthinking control freak if all you’d done was suggest doing this to your daughter, instead of actively undoing her hard work to rearrange the seating the way you thought it should be. You should consider seeking professional help for your need to control everything before it further damages your relationship with your daughter.
Yeah, YTA. Not for your feelings, for the way you went at it: behind her back.
She obliviously found a sense of pride in organising it and you crushed it. Why couldn’t you just voice your concerns, asking what would she do if what happened last year reoccurred?
Yta. You completely over stepped. I understand that in your head you were thinking of the more shy guest. But have you ever thought she sat them that way on purpose? I work with kids I at times intentionally sit my louder but gentle kids with the quiet ones. They usually help the quieter ones come out of their shell. The louder one might take lead in their relationship for a bit before my shy one feels ready to spread their wings. You could have discussed it with your daughter. You could have made suggestions. But just going and rearranging the seating because you felt it was the right thing to do was the wrong thing to do. You just told your daughter that what she wants doesn’t matter. You just told her judgment couldn’t be trusted. That you can’t be trusted. That you won’t give her the curtesy of a talk and you’re just going to bulldoze her wants/needs because you feel you have right too. Your daughter is 16 she will hopefully be leaving in a few years. If this really how you want her to think of you? Is this really the kind of relationship you want to have with her? It sounds like you do this often. Is your need to control everything worth a relationship with your daughter? Remember she will be 18 soon. She won’t have to interact with you at all. You really want to be one of those parents that day “my child left home and now won’t visit or talk to me and I don’t know why?”
YTA. Why didn’t you talk to her about what you wanted to do first? Your logic makes sense and hopefully she would see the reasoning behind it and agree. Maybe she wouldn’t. Doesn’t matter, it’s not your party.
Oops. YTA. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, etc. 16 is about the perfect age to be learning these lessons from experience. Lighter touch
YTA. let her be and read “let them”.
Absolutely YTA
She’s 16, not 6. Instead of voicing your concerns and letting her decide to adjust the seating, you just took it upon yourself to completely rearrange her plans.
Back off, lady
YTA you jumped right over that line!
YTA you deprived an opportunity for your daughter to succeed or fail and grow as a result of it. If you had talked to her about it before and let her make the decision, great. But you need to allow her to be responsible for her actions, not try to protect her from them.
YTA
You should have talked to your daughter about your concerns and let her make her choice.
YTA – You don’t know what conversations your daughter has had and with whom about this, you just assumed you knew better than she did. And what’s worse is that you snuck and did it behind her back. I’m going to guess that you already knew that she’d reject your idea if you brought it to her directly so you decided to follow the fucked up axiom of “it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission” – except now you’re learning that forgiveness isn’t guaranteed.
You need to offer your daughter a full and sincere apology, for this and, clearly, some other things where you decided that you knew better than she did and forced your way on to things given her reaction to you. Once you’ve done that you need to work on why you feel that your way is such a “good idea” you don’t need to discuss it with others before simply deciding for them that’s going to be how things go, specifically with a therapist since doing things yourself is what got you here to begin with.
Your daughter has every right to be upset with you and I genuinely hope you take this as the warning that it is regarding the damage you are doing to your relationships with these assumptions you make.
Her response makes me think you do this a lot. Interfere with her choices.
You worded it so nice in your explanation, it’s a shame you couldn’t have presented it to your daughter before jumping in and screwing up her plan for the party.
Mother knows best./s
YTA
Her response makes me think you do this a lot. Interfere with her choices.
You worded it so nice in your explanation, it’s a shame you couldn’t have presented it to your daughter before jumping in and screwing up her plan for the party.
Mother knows best./s
YTA
YTA
You might have been right but the correct way would be to stay “hey maybe breaking the tables up would be better so people can drift between groups” then if she says no you leave it.
Let her be and grow.
Hard to believe you don’t already know that YTA
Do you really think you know more about the social interactions of a group of teens than those teens
YTA. If she is old enough to plan this party at least 2 years in a row, then she is old enough for you to tell her your concerns and re organise. Put it back the way it was, and talk to her.
Reminds me of the time my dad let me plant flowers in the front yard, and then when he saw it he dug them all up and rearranged them
YTA