I 48 female have been with my fiancé 62 male for 15 years. We met at the start of online dating after complicated divorces. I had 3 young children at the time and decided we shouldn’t live together based on my own childhood experiences. The relationship was long distance for the first couple years and then he relocated to be closer to me. He got an apartment minutes from my house. For a while we would rotate staying between the two places until the last few years. It got so crowded in his place there were only narrow walkways to move around so I stopped going . I noticed from our first date he had a lot of stuff in his vehicle but he worked construction so I didn’t make a big deal of it. I did frequently comment on how much stuff he had and suggested downsizing but there’s always a reason not to. We blended our lives but still officially live separately. He’s even Grandpa to our (my) 4 grandkids and they adore him. Recently the apartments he has lived in all these years has started giving him a hard time about his stuff stating it’s fire hazard and he decided to buy a small place we could share now that my kids are independent adults.
There have been countless conversations over the years about him starting to get rid of things. He currently has 3 storage units he pays for monthly and 2 in my backyard along with 2 vehicles, scooters etc. that are all at my house. He’s not a dirty hoarder but he does pack a bunch of stuff in numerous small spaces . When I want to get rid of my stuff he says things like “give that to me or you should give it to me”.
I love him and he loves me. We love camping and a lot of stuff he has now is to make those experiences comfortable but so much of it isn’t. I’m feeling really apprehensive about sharing a living space permanently with someone who won’t let things go and I told him so many times which he brushes off. He says I have a lot of clutter and it’s the same thing. My clutter is frequently cleaned up and put away but I do have organized chaos from time to time. I have been known to come in and set things down( couch,bed, or chair for a while). I also have two small dogs I’ve had for 14 years and he has asthma. (Side note: I woke up paralyzed 19 years ago and still use a Cain/walker because of mobility issues).
So am I the asshole for thinking we should probably keep things the way they are now and we can continue to have extended stays at our separate homes?
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I 48 female have been with my fiancé 62 male for 15 years. We met at the start of online dating after complicated divorces. I had 3 young children at the time and decided we shouldn’t live together based on my own childhood experiences. The relationship was long distance for the first couple years and then he relocated to be closer to me. He got an apartment minutes from my house. For a while we would rotate staying between the two places until the last few years. It got so crowded in his place there were only narrow walkways to move around so I stopped going . I noticed from our first date he had a lot of stuff in his vehicle but he worked construction so I didn’t make a big deal of it. I did frequently comment on how much stuff he had and suggested downsizing but there’s always a reason not to. We blended our lives but still officially live separately. He’s even Grandpa to our (my) 4 grandkids and they adore him. Recently the apartments he has lived in all these years has started giving him a hard time about his stuff stating it’s fire hazard and he decided to buy a small place we could share now that my kids are independent adults.
There have been countless conversations over the years about him starting to get rid of things. He currently has 3 storage units he pays for monthly and 2 in my backyard along with 2 vehicles, scooters etc. that are all at my house. He’s not a dirty hoarder but he does pack a bunch of stuff in numerous small spaces . When I want to get rid of my stuff he says things like “give that to me or you should give it to me”.
I love him and he loves me. We love camping and a lot of stuff he has now is to make those experiences comfortable but so much of it isn’t. I’m feeling really apprehensive about sharing a living space permanently with someone who won’t let things go and I told him so many times which he brushes off. He says I have a lot of clutter and it’s the same thing. My clutter is frequently cleaned up and put away but I do have organized chaos from time to time. I have been known to come in and set things down( couch,bed, or chair for a while). I also have two small dogs I’ve had for 14 years and he has asthma. (Side note: I woke up paralyzed 19 years ago and still use a Cain/walker because of mobility issues).
So am I the asshole for thinking we should probably keep things the way they are now and we can continue to have extended stays at our separate homes?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I think we should continue to live separately and he doesn’t.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Look. Im a hoarder.
Don’t do it.
NTA – he needs to get help, learn to organize and stay organized before you move in together, otherwise you will just end up living in the mess
NTA. You’ve been together 15 years, you know who he is. If the clutter has only gotten worse, you’re absolutely within reason to say, “This living situation won’t work for me.”
NTA.
He may not be a ‘dirty hoarder’ but he is, in fact, a hoarder.
He’s getting evicted because his hoard is a fire hazard. And has 5 storage units?
This is not a ‘pack rat’ situation. This is a hoarding compulsion that needs professional intervention.
NOR bit you will need to decide if he works for you. If his apartment complex is on him about his hoard and he gets booted……where will he and his junk go??
NTA. I’ve been married to a hoarder for over 50 years. His stacks of stuff have been the greatest source of conflict. I insist certain areas be kept clear of clutter, and his areas (garage, attic, shed) have been the site of insect/rodent infestations and the too many crapalanches over the years. Run. He won’t get better. Keep your boundaries!
NTA – he is not likely to change at age 62; keep things the way they are now
Oherwise you will consantly have to argue over his mess AND yours OR you will have to be the one to do the cleaning and decluttering for both of you
NTA. Keep living arrangements separate or you’ll have a hoarder house before you know it. Get rid of his junk in your yard! Have him purchase a storage unit if he pays for it he might get rid of it? Don’t marry him either. Nothing wrong with just dating.
NTA
Honey, he IS a hoarder. Have you ever watched shows about hoarders? Not all of them are the “filthy” kind. The “pack rat” kind that creates fire hazards and needs 5 (!) storage units to hold all the crap they refuse to let go of is a common type of hoarder they feature as well.
His behaviour is the full-on, typical hoarder behaviour.
Keep your separate home.
Nothing is going to change with him without serious professional intervention and even then, he has to WANT to change.
My BIL is a hoarder. It cost him his marriage and two great girlfriends and has impacted his relationships with his kids who will not set foot in his house. It’s a form of OCD and can be helped by counselling and medication.
Do not move in together.
NTA. This would be deal breaker territory for me but that’s for each person to decide on their own. Your relationship has been working without living together, and it’s fine to set your boundary and stay that way.
But please don’t clean and organize his house or do any of that living together labor that always falls on women.
NTA. But OP I think you gotta wake up a bit.
>He’s not a dirty hoarder but
All hoarding is dirty, full stop. Even if it looks clean/neat, its still clutter, and its still limiting the space available to you/him and preventing those spaces from being cleaned. Insects, rats, and other pests/rodents always find a way in and they LOVE making their homes in the small spaces you never see because they are hidden behind/under piles of things. Those messes they make just accumulate unseen until they seep through the hoard.
Rationalizing/minimizing his hoarding because it doesn’t look dirty now isn’t doing you or him any justice. Every hoarder’s house starts off looking organized and clean, until it doesn’t. You are justified not wanting to share a space with him, but the bigger issue is that it sounds like you are enabling him to continue living like this by not pressing the issue, letting him expand his hoard into your backyard/home, and personally contributing to it by giving him more things when you get rid of stuff.
Like it or not if you stay with this man and choose not to confront this issue, his hoard is going to become your hoard eventually, and it sounds like its already starting to.
NTA. Don’t move in and don’t marry him. If the relationship has worked as is for 15 years, keep it as is. If you marry him you will own half of the hoard and the associated liability. Encourage him to find a good therapist who can help him with anxiety and diagnose OCD. BTW the risk of developing hoarding issues and the severity of the disorder increases as we age. This will not change without professional therapeutic intervention and is very difficult to treat even with good clinicians.
If you get a third place together or if he moves into your place while maintaining his hoard in his current apartment soon the hoard will begin to accumulate in the new space. A hoarder cannot tolerate empty space or keep their hoard separate from a living space.
Also, this man is significantly older than you. Caring for an elderly hoarder is very difficult. As they age their homes become more unmanageable and the safety issues can become acute. At the same time any attempt to clear or mitigate the hoard is extremely distressing for them. Are you prepared to take this on? You need to discuss this even if you do not cohabitate or marry.
NTA. Please, for your own mental health and that of your offspring, DO NOT MOVE. And don’t let him move in. Draw a hard line – or build a wall! – and insist he respect your boundaries.
I would never agree to live with a hoarder unless they were in active therapy. The fact that he has so many more objects than he has space, and cannot see that this behavior is a pathology, is concerning.
NTA but demand therapy as this is not going to get better, just worse with old age.
His hoarding is already bothering you and has been for a moment, and it’s not even in your house. What do you think will happen when it will be in your living space??
He needs to see a therapist who understands OCD in hoarding situations as this is a unique form of the condition.
He has trauma that makes him behave like this and he can’t simply throw things away. There will be emotional reasons for it and he needs to work through that in therapy.
This has to be something he agrees to and starts to do before you can move in together. Its a lot to ask as he will have many difficult things to work through, especially if he’s been doing this all his life, but the behavior is unhealthy and can’t continue.
NTA. I’m 63 and it’s a trend for people to be “together but separate”. He’s a hoarder. Unless you want to live in a hoarder’s home, do not live with him.
NTA. He might not be a “dirty” hoarder. But he’s still a hoarder.
Do not move in with him unless he’s able to sort out his living situation. At best, it’ll become your problem, if he’s even willing to let you “fix” it after you move in. At worst, it’ll just get even worse.
He needs to understand that moving in with him is absolutely off the table while he continues to hoard things.
Also, remove his stuff from your yard ASAP. If he doesn’t have room for it, it either gets tossed, or he rents more storage space.
Nta.
My spouse is messy, breaks and damages things, and accumulates junk, and there are days when I really, really regret thinking I could overlook all that, and survive living with them, without being unhappy about it.
NTA- do not move in with him. Hoarding is a very difficult mental illness to treat and most will relapse into their old ways. You both will be much happier in separate homes.