hi. i’m 20m, a college senior in a developing country, majoring in industrial design. i have two sisters, one is 29f and the other’s 35f.
so some background. my oldest sister (35f) has lived in a western country since i was around 3. we’ve stayed pretty close even though we’ve been apart most of my life. she visits every few years. she owns a pretty successful nail salon over there, and lately she’s been planning to have her second child. my parents are about to move there too, to live with her and hopefully get citizenship. my other sister (29f) is staying back here.
a few days ago, we had a family meeting. during it, my oldest sister asked me if i’d move to that country after graduation. her plan is that i’d help take care of her salon for a few years while she focuses on having a baby. she said after about three years, i’d be eligible for citizenship too, and then i could study anything i wanted there for free because of how the system works. she also mentioned that if i moved, it’d make things easier for the rest of the family to immigrate later on through the family reunion policy.
the thing is… she said it was “my choice,” but it didn’t really feel like that. when i told her i’d think about it, i saw the look on my parents’ faces. like they were hoping i’d just agree on the spot. it wasn’t aggressive, but i definitely felt the pressure.
and honestly, i feel torn. part of me feels selfish for even hesitating, like i’m not thinking about the bigger picture or what this could mean for everyone else. but at the same time, i have dreams of my own. i’ve been trying to build something for myself, maybe even in music (something i haven’t really talked much about). saying yes to her plan would mean giving that up for something that doesn’t really feel like mine. it’s stable, yeah, but it doesn’t feel right.
so i told them i’d think about it. and no one said anything bad, but the silence after felt kinda heavy.
now i’m just stuck with this guilt. like if i choose what i want, i’m letting everyone else down. but if i go along with it, i’m giving up the one chance i have to chase something that actually matters to me.
aita?
kinda forgot to add, my 35F sister is nearing her 40s soon, so if i don’t go, she can’t manage both the shop and her pregnancy plans. my other sister, who has 2 kids, if she can’t immigrate she won’t be able to give her 2 kids a better future. so my sole decision would decide the fate of these little kids. this is the main reason why i’m so torn.
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hi. i’m 20m, a college senior in a developing country, majoring in industrial design. i have two sisters, one is 29f and the other’s 35f.
so some background. my oldest sister (35f) has lived in a western country since i was around 3. we’ve stayed pretty close even though we’ve been apart most of my life. she visits every few years. she owns a pretty successful nail salon over there, and lately she’s been planning to have her second child. my parents are about to move there too, to live with her and hopefully get citizenship. my other sister (29f) is staying back here.
a few days ago, we had a family meeting. during it, my oldest sister asked me if i’d move to that country after graduation. her plan is that i’d help take care of her salon for a few years while she focuses on having a baby. she said after about three years, i’d be eligible for citizenship too, and then i could study anything i wanted there for free because of how the system works. she also mentioned that if i moved, it’d make things easier for the rest of the family to immigrate later on through the family reunion policy.
the thing is… she said it was “my choice,” but it didn’t really feel like that. when i told her i’d think about it, i saw the look on my parents’ faces. like they were hoping i’d just agree on the spot. it wasn’t aggressive, but i definitely felt the pressure.
and honestly, i feel torn. part of me feels selfish for even hesitating, like i’m not thinking about the bigger picture or what this could mean for everyone else. but at the same time, i have dreams of my own. i’ve been trying to build something for myself, maybe even in music (something i haven’t really talked much about). saying yes to her plan would mean giving that up for something that doesn’t really feel like mine. it’s stable, yeah, but it doesn’t feel right.
so i told them i’d think about it. and no one said anything bad, but the silence after felt kinda heavy.
now i’m just stuck with this guilt. like if i choose what i want, i’m letting everyone else down. but if i go along with it, i’m giving up the one chance i have to chase something that actually matters to me.
aita?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) i told my family i’m unsure about moving abroad to help my sister run her business, even though they were clearly expecting me to agree (2) they think i’m being selfish for not jumping at the chance to help, especially since it could benefit the whole family’s immigration plans.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
you would only be the asshole if you made a thoughtless decision. this is a big deal and big life change, only you can know what’s really right. accepting or denying without giving all aspects the consideration that they deserve, would be disrespectful to not only your family but to yourself.
NAH
It’s not a free citizenship if you need to spend three years in a role equivalent to being your sister’s indentured servant.
NTA for not instantly agreeing and instead taking time to examine the good and the bad and making the best decision for yourself. I also fail to see how the “family reunion policy” doesn’t work if just your sister becomes a citizen.
NTA but I’m going to point out that you need to do your own research and find out the qualifications for citizenship if you’re interested. Don’t rely on what someone else tells you regardless of who they are. You need to know what the laws and requirements are.
You also wouldn’t be getting it for free. You’d be providing labor by taking care of the salon. You’d need to ensure you’re getting a liveable wage. Many countries require you to establish your own residence and employment before you can get citizenship. You need your salary to provide for this. IMO there’s way too many ways her proposal can go wrong for you. If you are interested in citizenship check for employment in whatever field you’re going to college for. Keep everything above board. If you’re not interested in becoming a citizen in that country tell her no. You’re not planning on moving.
NAH But why can’t you pursue music while you go with this other plan and help your sister?
I know that the plan overall is long-term, but it doesn’t have to be for you. You could move there for a little while, help your family out while you work on your stuff (music, school, whatever) then decide if it’s something you want to stick with or not.
I think you’re seeing this as a burden, rather than as an opportunity.
NTA. What they’re asking you to do is massive. Giving up your own goals to become a full-time safety net for everyone else isn’t just a “free citizenship”, it’s a life detour with strings. If this isn’t your dream, it’s okay to say no
Applying for citizenship costs money. So it’s not going to be free money wise. I agree with doing your own research on what applying for citizenship looks like in that country.
NTA for not wanting to be your family’s only choice for immigrating somewhere. It sounds like you’re young, so they want to use your age to the advantage of your entire family. If your sister wants to bring your parents over, there are usually ways to apply for that without the responsibility being solely placed on another family member. There are no fast ways to immigration.
NTA, they are banking on you for cheap/free labor for the business and childcare.
NTA
Wow the burden that your family has put on you is immense.
And what about your life and goals? Have they considered that at all?
It is not your responsibility at all what your sisters can or can’t do for their kids.
Especially your older sister, if she can not manage with her current situation then she should not be having another kid, it is not your duty to enable any of that.
It would be quite different if you could move to that other country to do something relevant for your career and life; and then were able to help out a bit. But they are asking you to basically put your life on hold (and some things you might not get back or be able to pursue later).
NTA. Wait so she wants you to move to her country so you can take care of her business while she deals with motherhood? That’s a lot to ask tbh. While I’m sure there’s much better opportunities and a higher quality lifestyle in whatever western country she is in.. I’m not sure if gaining citizenship is that easy? Maybe she should’ve thought about this BEFORE getting pregnant? I’m sure you have other plans and goals for your future. Work on that. Don’t throw away your future for her. Yeah yeah family and all that.. but that’s her life and her responsibility.
It’s your life. Live it how you choose. You don’t owe anyone else the one life you have.
NTA but a chance to live in a foreign country for three years sounds fun! Idk, I’d take it because another citizenship can be handy.
NTA. It sounds to me like your sister mostly wants you there to help her, the “perks” of immigration sound more like just a way to get you to agree.
It is a big decision and it should be well researched and sought out. I don’t know which western country you’re referring to (probs not US or Canada, since neither countries have free post secondary education), but immigration is not really as easy as your sister is making it sound.
Never mind the costs of getting residence, then getting your citizenship (many countries require that you have a minimum amount of money saved in your bank account prior to moving to ensure you would not require welfare and such. In Canada, I believe the about is $10K, which is a lot, but also not nearly enough for people to survive on). But clearly, you have ambitions beyond helping out at your sister’s salon, which is 100% valid. But if this country’s job market is anything like Canada’s…. Lmao. You’ll be lucky to work in fast food.
If you don’t want to move out of your country, don’t. It takes a lot of drive and motivation to get through the immigration process, and if it’s not something you want, you’re going to get stuck, get frustrated, and regret it.
Live your life the way you see fit. Your sister and parents will figure it out without you. Focus on what makes you happy.
I don’t know of any European country where adult children with family of their own are allowed to bring in their parents through the family policy.
I don’t know where you live now, but I have to say as a US citizen, I’d jump at the chance for a second citizenship elsewhere.
NTA. But don’t add on guilt where it isn’t necessary. You say your 35yo sister will be in her 40s soon and can’t do the baby and the business. Respectfully, that’s total bullshit. Women work and have kids all the time from their twenties into their late 40s. She is not decrepit or weak because she is 35, which is plenty young. 40 is plenty young. When she is 40, her youngest child will be in school.
She doesn’t need your help. She really wants your help.