My grandpa’s turning 70 soon, a massive party planned with 200+ people going, my ext. family expects me to be there as per usual, but since my mom refused to go, I declined and now I’m being guilt-tripped for it.
Thing is, I’m not close to my grandfather, at least not anymore. I dislike him. He comes into our home unannounced, doesn’t ask if it’s okay and takes what he wants without acknowledging me, my mother and my older brother. Not even a simple hello. For someone who’s deeply religious, runs a church and is the pastor, you’d expect some decency and basic respect, but he lacks it. He acts with complete entitlement.
What makes things worse is that my extended family treats my mother like GARBAGE. For this event, my grandma told her, didn’t even ask if she could do it, literally COMMANDED her to bring food then my mom declined as she still had her own bills and expenses to pay, my grandma went ahead and called her a liar which where she backpedaled with some lame reason, “Fine. No forcing.” she says when she literally just forced my mom but okay.
What infuriates me the most, the only reason why they could even eat during the pandemic is because of my mom. After my parents separated we moved in with them, my mom worked herself to the bone to not only support me and my brother, but to support EVERYONE in that house. She had nothing left for herself.
As a kid, I couldn’t understand why my mom couldn’t buy me and my brother the stuff we wanted. But now? I understand completely. She wasn’t just raising us, she was feeding EVERYONE.
And the part that hurts the most, I used to be a big grandpa’s girl, now everything’s different. You grow up and see the cracks which change the trajectory of your life.
I asked a friend and she told me to just go, excuse the “family problems” for a while because “presence matters” then I asked myself, where were THEY when I NEEDED THEM? when MY MOM needed them?
And then my aunt messages me, saying I should go, that I HAVE TO GO. Because he’s my grandpa. Yeah sure. He’s also the same man who walks over my mom like she’s nothing.
so, AITA?
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My grandpa’s turning 70 soon, a massive party planned with 200+ people going, my ext. family expects me to be there as per usual, but since my mom refused to go, I declined and now I’m being guilt-tripped for it.
Thing is, I’m not close to my grandfather, at least not anymore. I dislike him. He comes into our home unannounced, doesn’t ask if it’s okay and takes what he wants without acknowledging me, my mother and my older brother. Not even a simple hello. For someone who’s deeply religious, runs a church and is the pastor, you’d expect some decency and basic respect, but he lacks it. He acts with complete entitlement.
What makes things worse is that my extended family treats my mother like GARBAGE. For this event, my grandma told her, didn’t even ask if she could do it, literally COMMANDED her to bring food then my mom declined as she still had her own bills and expenses to pay, my grandma went ahead and called her a liar which where she backpedaled with some lame reason, “Fine. No forcing.” she says when she literally just forced my mom but okay.
What infuriates me the most, the only reason why they could even eat during the pandemic is because of my mom. After my parents separated we moved in with them, my mom worked herself to the bone to not only support me and my brother, but to support EVERYONE in that house. She had nothing left for herself.
As a kid, I couldn’t understand why my mom couldn’t buy me and my brother the stuff we wanted. But now? I understand completely. She wasn’t just raising us, she was feeding EVERYONE.
And the part that hurts the most, I used to be a big grandpa’s girl, now everything’s different. You grow up and see the cracks which change the trajectory of your life.
I asked a friend and she told me to just go, excuse the “family problems” for a while because “presence matters” then I asked myself, where were THEY when I NEEDED THEM? when MY MOM needed them?
And then my aunt messages me, saying I should go, that I HAVE TO GO. Because he’s my grandpa. Yeah sure. He’s also the same man who walks over my mom like she’s nothing.
so, AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1.) Action I took: I refused to attend my grandfather’s birthday party, even though my extended family expects me to go.
(2.) Why it might make me the asshole: My aunt told me I should go out of respect since he’s my grandfather, and a friend said I should set aside family issues for the day since “presence matters.” They’re upset I’m skipping an event something they view as important. One might think I’m being disrespectful or ungrateful for not showing up.
I’m questioning if I might actually be the asshole because I know my absence will go noticed, and it could hurt my grandfather’s feeling and maybe embarrass my mom, I feel like I’m adding fuel to the existing tension already and maybe I’m being petty instead of mature. Part of me wonders if skipping such a major event makes me look like I’m letting personal issues override basic decency.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re fine. NTA
You can simply ignore your Aunt. Your decision about this party is none of her business.
It’s not unusual for the appearance of harmony to be very important to people in unhealthy families, especially when they are not scapegoated or targeted. Your Aunt can think that you should attend as much as she wants, but her thoughts are inconsequential.
NTA, they can f off.
NTA – You don’t have to go and you shouldn’t feel obligated to go. There’s nothing wrong with sticking to your values and choosing not to support a family member who you feel is disrespectful. And why do I get the feeling that your presence only matters for appearances and superficial reasons?
“presence matters”. Exactly. Showing up condones the status quo. Not showing up says something. Stand up for your mom.
When you are questioned or guilted just reply “he shows our family no respect and therefore I refuse to respect or honour him!”
NTA…. are you in the middle east where women have no rights???
This is beyond insane…. if you can get the hell outta there do it ASAP
NTA. It’s an invitation, not a summons. You can decline for any reason, or no reason at all. The reasons you stated give you more justification, but you don’t need to defend your absence to anyone.
NTA. If you don’t want to go, then don’t go. Don’t make a big deal out of it, just don’t show up. There will be 200 other folks there.
NTA. How nice that you see all the work and sacrifices that your mom has made. Maybe the two of you can do something together instead of going to his party.
It’s called ‘making your excuses’. Don’t honor them with your true beliefs, just ‘unfortunately I will not be able to attend. I wish you all the best. Ta ta!’ That’s all they deserve.
NTA and hold your ground.
Why haven’t you guys cut them off frankly I would publicly post about them let people know who they really are
NTA but talk to your mom about cutting these people off if you’re able (not sure where you live and your culture). You all deserve better than this
I’m with you on not going. Your family sounds selfish as can be. If your mother isn’t going things must be bad since I’m assuming it’s her dad you are talking about.
Nope, not at all. I would do the same.
Your mom needs to cut your grandpa off.
NTA. I’m surprised that you haven’t cut these people out of your life a long ago.
NTA. Tell your aunt who is saying YOU HAVE TO GO that she is as bad as your grandpa – a bully. Stay home, take your mother out, have fun.