My boyfriend (22M) and I (22F) have been friends for years and dating for 7 months. We haven’t had sex yet, but we’ve done other intimate things. Since we don’t meet often, we FaceTime a lot, and sometimes he asks for intimate video calls.
At first, I was okay with it. But over time, I realized I’m more comfortable with intimacy in person, not over video. I told him this, and he started asking less. Now, when we both feel like it, it’s fine.
The problem is when I don’t feel like it. Recently, he asked for 3 days in a row, and I kept saying no because I wasn’t in the mood. He responded with things like, “I’ve been asking for 3 days,” and would pout. In the past, I’ve gone along with it even when I didn’t want to, but I’m tired of doing that.
Last night, he had a mild cold. I told him to rest, and when he said “Okay, I’ll sleep,” I said “Okay, bye” and hung up. Later, he texted asking why I cut the call, saying “Why is it wrong for me to ask what came to my mind?” and then adding, “Next time you feel like it, I’ll just nod like a doll.” After that, he apologized, saying he shouldn’t have asked and it was his mistake, but it still felt like guilt-tripping.
I want to keep my boundaries while keeping our relationship healthy. He’s generally a good boyfriend, but this is making me uncomfortable.
So, AITA for refusing intimate video calls when I’m not in the mood, even if he’s been asking multiple times?
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My boyfriend (22M) and I (22F) have been friends for years and dating for 7 months. We haven’t had sex yet, but we’ve done other intimate things. Since we don’t meet often, we FaceTime a lot, and sometimes he asks for intimate video calls.
At first, I was okay with it. But over time, I realized I’m more comfortable with intimacy in person, not over video. I told him this, and he started asking less. Now, when we both feel like it, it’s fine.
The problem is when I don’t feel like it. Recently, he asked for 3 days in a row, and I kept saying no because I wasn’t in the mood. He responded with things like, “I’ve been asking for 3 days,” and would pout. In the past, I’ve gone along with it even when I didn’t want to, but I’m tired of doing that.
Last night, he had a mild cold. I told him to rest, and when he said “Okay, I’ll sleep,” I said “Okay, bye” and hung up. Later, he texted asking why I cut the call, saying “Why is it wrong for me to ask what came to my mind?” and then adding, “Next time you feel like it, I’ll just nod like a doll.” After that, he apologized, saying he shouldn’t have asked and it was his mistake, but it still felt like guilt-tripping.
I want to keep my boundaries while keeping our relationship healthy. He’s generally a good boyfriend, but this is making me uncomfortable.
So, AITA for refusing intimate video calls when I’m not in the mood, even if he’s been asking multiple times?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because i kept saying no to him and he got upset and I was feeling guilty.. i felt guilty many times and called him and sometimes i wanted it too.. but the other times when I say no, it becomes a problem. Last night I said no and then it got awkward and then into a fight
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
No you’re not the asshole here.
You’ve been clear about your boundaries, and consent applies every single time, whether it’s in person or over video. The fact that you were okay with it before doesn’t mean you owe it to him now, and his pouting or guilt-tripping when you say no is a red flag, it puts pressure on you to comply instead of respecting your comfort. You’re allowed to only engage in intimacy when you want to, and a healthy partner will respect that without making you feel bad. This isn’t about how many times he’s asked; it’s about whether you feel like it in that moment, and “no” should always be an acceptable answer without drama.
I haven’t even read the body of the text, just the title.
NTA – you are never TA for refusing intimate anything if you don’t feel like it
NTA. It’s never wrong to not be in the mood. You always have the right to say no.
I think you should consider explaining to him that asking everyday or several days in a row only makes you more turned off. When a partner has to “badger” you for sexual intimacy, you’ll end up resenting them and feeling less attracted to them. It’s not wrong for him to “ask what came to mind” but it is absolutely wrong to say “I’ve been asking for 3 days” as if its a missed bill payment or something. You’re a human being not a sex object/toy.
There’s also the compatibility aspect you both should consider, if he is the type of person who expects or wants sexual contact every single day then he should find a partner who’s sex drive matches his… and same thing goes for you. Him nagging/whining about not having phone sex for 3 days is super immature and off-putting (seriously just rub one out like a normal person). It’s not your job to satisfy his every urge.
NTA. Consent applies every time, even in a relationship. If you’re not in the mood, that’s a complete answer.
Of course you are NTA! You both have to be in the mood. Pouting is SO unattractive. Like a toddler! Not to mention manipulative. It would put me off for longer. No sane person wants intimate stuff with a person behaving like a tantrum-throwing toddler.
Your bf sounds manipulative and immature.
“Why is it wrong for me to ask what came to my mind?”
Is taht what he said? That bit is a bit muddled who said what and when and what does it have to do with him having a cold? But if HE said that? Ridiculous. It is okay to ask. And then accept your No graciously and not freaking POUT!
Don’t ever feel pressured into stuff you don’t want to do. EVER! And only ever be with people who make you comfortable enough to refuse. Anything else is a slippery slope. You will never ever feel pressured into saying Yes when you don’t feel like it by a person who deserves your love and trust.
Not at all – if you’re not in the mood or if you’re not comfortable with something, you should never feel pressured to do so. He should respect your boundary as opposed to guilt tripping you.
Now it’s possible that he’s feeling unfulfilled in the intimacy department and if you guys are not seeing each other often and that’s the only time he’ll get his cup filled, there may be a mild issue there … but there are more appropriate ways for him to express his need than by trying to persuade you into doing something you’re not comfortable with.
I’d express to him that you felt pressured and disliked that, reiterate that you’re not comfortable with video intimacy, and ask whether he’s feeling like his needs aren’t being met. If so, maybe you guys can find a solution (scheduling time to see each other more often, finding something else besides video calls that scratches that itch for him, etc.) that works for both of you without compromising anyone’s autonomy.
If he can’t respect your boundaries regarding video calls, wait until you’re living together…it’s only going to get worse. NTA
NTA. No means no. If he can’t respect your decisions and boundaries, he will never respect you in anything in the near future.
NTA – He needs to respect your boundaries. It’s okay to ask, but to push and guilt trip isn’t.
Cut this as a loss and move on. If he can’t respect you now and is already manipulating you with guilt, it WILL be worse in person. Manipulation is a form of abuse. You say he’s generally a good boyfriend, but this isn’t good boyfriend behavior.
NTA and i feel confident in that just off the title alone
There’s 2 people in a relationship and both have needs. If you are in a monogamous relationship where he can be with no one other than you, then you might wanna rethink your strategy. I’ve been in similar situations like this and simply ended them because it’s not about one person being in the mood. Again, if you require monogamy then know that you are his only source for satisfaction. Not saying you’re a bad person, just trying to get you to understand the difference between perception and perspective.
I know I’m gonna be attacked by all the feminized men on here, but honesty is the best policy.
NTA. I don’t even have to read the full post. You are not the asshole for not doing anything you are uncomfortable with full stop.
NTA. If you aren’t in the mood you aren’t in the mood. You should never, ever, feel obligated to engage in any form of intimacy unless you are in full and enthusiastic agreement with it. If he is making you feel like you ‘owe’ him any form of sex or that you are in the wrong for refusing to engage in those activities that is a massive screaming red flag and you should pay attention.
It’s manipulative. Continuing to push for something when you have said no is not okay. For him to then guilt trip you about it and pout is manipulative, obnoxious, and immature.
You get to have sexual boundaries. Your body is yours, and it does not matter if it is video or in person. His behavior is not okay.
NTA
He could be recording the videos and possibly sharing them, so I think you need to stop that.
NTA, it must be hard to be in a relationship via video not to mention him being locked up. Keep doing you, if you say no, that’s what it means. How long is he gonna be there?
NTA. Consent matters, even if it doesn’t involve physical touch. He’s trying to wear you down, but coercion isn’t consent either.
He pouts??? Wants you to act like a doll?
I’m glad he apologized. Do you trust he’ll stop? I don’t see evidence he will stop.
Life’s too short for that.
NTA
Find someone who respects you.
you are fine girl. you don’t have to do anything you don’t want ESPECIALLY when it comes to intimate things. and i think it not good to manipulate you like that (yes, i consider it as a manipulation)
>He responded with things like, “I’ve been asking for 3 days,” and would pout. In the past, I’ve gone along with it even when I didn’t want to, but I’m tired of doing that.
Respectfully – he’s not the one. If he’s making demands for your body despite you saying no, that’s coercion. His access to your body stops NOW. You two can figure it out on your own, but this would be enough for me to dump someone. I put up with this at 22, at 38, no fucking way.
He’s manipulative, pouting like a child when you don’t help him play with his genitals, and making you feel used. Why would you want to be with someone like that?
NTA.
NTA. You don’t want to do it, you don’t do it. End of!
NTA
NTA, but he’s going to break up with you soon. What if OP is never in the mood? Should bf stay with her and never be intimate again? Most guys in their early 20s will simply move on. 25+ years married here and intimacy is always available. If I’m not in the mood, she knows how to get me in the mood and vice versa. No coercion. Jeez. We cater to each others needs and our friends tell us they envy our relationship.
Not even read your post. But no need to considering the title.
NTA. No means no. End of.
If your bloke is pushing to contrary. Get rid. End of.
NTA. Someone who doesn’t respect your “no” doesn’t respect you.