Currently I’m (26F) visiting my parents house and my dad (58M) is constantly nagging me to eat. Every time I serve myself a very normal portion of food he always asks me if I want more. I’m already eating way over my calorie maintenance and he’s acting like I’m somehow starving myself.
For example, today I went to Starbucks for breakfast, got a drink and a brownie, and then he asked me if I wanted two brownies instead of just one and got very persistent when I said no (two Starbucks brownies is already 960 calories, plus the drink which was about another 200, totaling to over 1100 calories, much more than half of what I would need in a day).
Then at lunch I ate 3/4 of a pizza and he looked at me as if I’d just taken a nibble. And then, at 2:00 he told me “you need to eat” to which I said, “yeah we’re going out for dinner tonight”, and he told me that I needed to eat again before and offered to take me to McDonald’s. When I said no he commented on how little I was eating (despite being on track to hit my calorie maintenenace for the day). He always offers me food less than 15 minutes after I already ate and gets mad at me when I refuse it because I’m not hungry. Every single time I talk to him he has to try and give me some sort of food, and whenever I refuse he calls me ungrateful and says I’m “too skinny”
It seems to me that he has no idea about how many calories are in some foods, and completely overestimates what I need to eat to sustain myself. I am almost an entire foot shorter than him and 80 lbs lighter, he just doesn’t understand that I am not an anorexic just because I don’t eat as much as him, I simply just don’t have to eat as many calories as he does. My BMI is abt 21, so perfectly normal, yet he constantly mentions how skinny I am and how I’m not eating enough. One day while I was visiting I even ate about 3000 calories a day and about to vomit from how much I ate and he was still nagging me to eat more.
Last night after I had a full plate of food AND dessert he offered to take me out to get another snack, and when I refused, he gave me a lecture about how I was cranky because I “wasn’t eating enough”. To this I blew up on him and told him to butt out of my life and that he doesn’t know what my body needs, it’s my body not his. Now he and my mom are acting like I have an eating disorder and calling me an ungrateful brat for not being appreciative of his offers for food. AITA?
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Currently I’m visiting my parents house and my dad is constantly nagging me to eat. Every time I serve myself a very normal portion of food he always asks me if I want more. I’m already eating way over my calorie maintenance and he’s acting like I’m somehow starving myself.
For example, today I went to Starbucks for breakfast, got a drink and a brownie, and then he asked me if I wanted two brownies instead of just one and got very persistent when I said no (two Starbucks brownies is already 960 calories, plus the drink which was about another 200, totaling to over 1100 calories, much more than half of what I would need in a day).
Then at lunch I ate 3/4 of a pizza and he looked at me as if I’d just taken a nibble. And then, at 2:00 he told me “you need to eat” to which I said, “yeah we’re going out for dinner tonight”, and he told me that I needed to eat again before and offered to take me to McDonald’s. When I said no he commented on how little I was eating (despite being on track to hit my calorie maintenenace for the day). He always offers me food less than 15 minutes after I already ate and gets mad at me when I refuse it because I’m not hungry. Every single time I talk to him he has to try and give me some sort of food, and whenever I refuse he calls me ungrateful and says I’m “too skinny”
It seems to me that he has no idea about how many calories are in some foods, and completely overestimates what I need to eat to sustain myself. I am almost an entire foot shorter than him and 80 lbs lighter, he just doesn’t understand that I am not an anorexic just because I don’t eat as much as him, I simply just don’t have to eat as many calories as he does. My BMI is abt 21, so perfectly normal, yet he constantly mentions how skinny I am and how I’m not eating enough.
Last night after I had a full plate of food AND dessert he offered to take me out to get another snack, and when I refused, he gave me a lecture about how I was cranky because I “wasn’t eating enough”. To this I blew up on him and told him to butt out of my life and that he doesn’t know what my body needs, it’s my body not his. Now he and my mom are acting like I have an eating disorder and calling me an ungrateful brat for not being appreciative of his offers for food. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is how much I am refusing my dad’s offers for food, and the fact that I snapped at him and yelled. The action that I feel could have made me the asshole was how I handled the situation by snapping at him, and that I should’ve been more appreciative of his offers, since I know he is coming from a good place.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It sounds like your dad needs to seek professional assistance regarding his obsession with his 26 year old daughter’s eating habits. If your BMI was super low, I might be more inclined to understand his behavior, but 21 BMI falls squarely within the normal range. It’s crazy that your mom’s backing him up on this.
NTA
Your dad must understand that you are no more a kid, you are 26 for goodness sake and old enough to take care of yourself.
NTA, I’m sorry to say this but your dad is obsessed with your food intake and needs to leave you alone. Also, it doesn’t seem like you eat healthily. Starbucks for breakfast? Pizza? McDonalds? Snacks? Jesus….
NTA. You’re a grown ass adult. You know when and how to feed yourself and if you’re hungry or not. You do need to cut your dad a bit of slack though. He sounds like mine. My dad grew up in a big family during the recession in the 1930’s. They often didn’t have enough to eat and went to bed hungry sometimes. As an adult, he was always “clean your plate” and “have some more”. Even when I went to visit him in hospital, he kept offering me his hospital meal, despite the fact that I could leave and get anything I wanted, and he was stuck there. I didn’t realize why he was so pushy with food until I was older.
Don’t give in. I did and now I struggle hugely with my weight. I know that’s down to me, not him – but he didn’t make it any easier, because he didn’t want to. Let your dad wreck his own health to deal with his weird issues.
Nta but keep in mind that he probably struggled to keep you fed and at a decent weight if you were a skinny child (if not then idk) so dont blame him too much, just keep rejecting
NTA, but be careful about thinking of food in terms of calories only. You’re better off eating things that are good for you than turning every meal into a math problem. You and your dad both seem to be thinking about food in ways that can become unhealthy if they get too ingrained – I’m not saying it’s a problem, but it’s something to be aware of. One brownie is not a good breakfast just because it has a lot of calories, for example. However, your dad’s approach is simply not correct. Two brownies is not a better breakfast than one brownie. Eating McDonalds between meals will not improve your health. If he’s worried you might have an eating disorder, then constantly drawing attention to what you’re eating will probably make it worse. It sounds like you need to have a conversation with him about overstepping when it comes to your diet. Maybe, if he can’t leave the subject alone, your visit will need to be cut short.
I’m asking all of these questions because of varying possible reasons for your father to be obsessed with your body size and caloric intake.
I grew up with a mother with an ED. As a result, to make herself feel “small” she would intentionally overfeed everyone else, serving me as much as my 300 pound father at age 7. Absurd portions. It made me overweight and wrecked my relationship with food.
My father’s family is all large, so genetics slam me. And when I lost a lot of weight, his family members would constantly goad me to eat more, then crack off I was going to “put it all back on”.
If you have lost weight (your repeated mentions of monitoring calories made me ask), he may be feeling insecure if he is larger, or genuinely think you are “too” skinny. Which calls for a conversation of boundaries that says your doctor decides that, not him.
If there was past food insecurity, as another poster suggested, or even if food was used as a gesture of love growing up, this may be a warped way of showing care. That also needs to be discussed.
NTA regardless. Making yourself sick on food to please him isn’t the way.
Honestly, it’s your Dad. This is probably an UO but parents and grandparents worry about you. If you come for a short visit, they want to care for you.
Do you have an ED history? It’s fine if you do but some of this reads like that. I hope you’re well but this is honestly not cause for concern. It’s ok if your Dad offers you a little more than usual. He loves you. This will be ok.
NTA. If you can afford it, it might be worth it for you and your dad to talk to a nutritionist together. If your dad is legitimately worried about you having an eating disorder, a nutritional expert might ease his mind and help him lay off. And a healthier diet could be beneficial for you both.
NTA how weird..
Because you keep mentioning calories & maintenance & you don’t live at home, I’m guessing you have lost a lot of weight. If I got to a BMI of 22 I would look skeletal. Your dad probably just sees you skinny now & is concerned. Maybe have a conversation, hey dad I know you want to treat me & you might be worried about me, but I am happy at this weight, I am not trying to lose anymore & show him your apps/BMI chart.
YTA to yourself. You’re anorexic, your dad is holding back tears looking at you. You shouldn’t be tracking calories like this. You should eat a full slice of pizza. A single brownie and coffee is not a good breakfast. Starving for dinner is not a good practice. Ask me how I know.
Editing in: I’m 5’1 and 108 pounds. I’m sure my “maintenance calories” are very similar to you.
NTA. Is he planning on leaving you in the woods for a witch Hansel and Gretel style or something? “Dad stop commenting on my food choices. Continuing will ensure I stop visiting/visit very rarely.”. If he still does it “I’m not discussing this” and leave.
Of course you’re NTA. I would walk out every time he says to eat more food. I would also get my doctor to call him to say you are eating just fine for your body size/weight. If that doesn’t work, I would stop seeing them.
NTA
> My BMI is abt 21
> says I’m “too skinny”
No. You are doing things just right.
I’m guessing YTA. You mentioned the calories of your food about ten times. I take this to mean that you probably have lost a ton of weight and he’s worried.
Info. Do you have a history with an eating disorder?
NAH
from the tone of your post it DOES sound like youre at risk of an unhealthy relationship with food, your dad sees this, and is trying to encourage you to eat more by tempting you with your favorites.
NTA because his nagging and pressure is completely inappropriate.
Having said that, everything you write in this post makes you sound like a person with an eating disorder.
WTF. I’d be more worried that he has an eating disorder the way he’s pressuring you to eat so much of foods that are not generally supposed to be an everyday food.
NTA, but that’s also just him caring about you; Blowing up on him was definitely not the way.
NAH
But will you please focus more on having nutritious food than calories
YTA, I didn’t read it because you didn’t make paragraphs and it hurts my brain. For that reason definitely YTA or ESH
NTA. Sick of people crying eating disorder whenever someone just doesn’t want to overeat.
NTA. Tell your dad “If I throw up from eating too much, YOU are cleaning that shit up.”
I think this is worth a sit down heart to heart. I think your dad is concerned for you.
NAH.
BMI is bullshit, though. My husband hit his “ideal” BMI while literally starving to death (surgery related, long story) and if my BMI were 21, I would probably need to be hospitalized for malnutrition. Be careful using that as a measurement. Waist to height ratio is significantly better.
NTA
Dad, you’re trying to stuff me like a Christmas goose. Do you have holiday plans that I’m going to have a problem with?
Seriously, I’m sure that he thinks that he’s trying to take care of you, but that is so obnoxious. Does he have nothing else that he can think of to talk about?
Not enough info. Shame on anyone who is saying the dad is the wrong. When I was 19, I had an ED and it’s almost like reading something written by my own self a decade ago. Sounds like OP might be in denial of some things..