I had been researching if the new Donkey Kong game coming out will be compatible with our Nintendo Switch. The switch hasn’t gotten a lot of use in the last year, but I LOVED the Mario Odyssey game and heard the Donkey Kong game would be similar. Unsurprisingly, it won’t be compatible. It was created for the new Switch 2, and can only be played on the Switch 2. As I said, our current Switch hasn’t gotten a lot of use, so I don’t feel it’s justifiable that we pay $500 for the new console. I won’t get to play the game, and that’s OK.
Unbeknownst to me – my husband took it upon himself to be extremely thoughtful and purchase the Switch for me as a surprise, knowing I was interested in the game, and couldn’t play it on our current set up.
The problem is – we’re in debt. We’re in debt, and want to buy a home. We have been saving but are still off the mark, and both feel getting settled into a home is necessary before we move to the next chapter and try to start a family, something that is very important to both of us.
My initial reaction to the game console was “Can it be returned?” Which was extremely frustrating to my husband, who insists he bought it just for me as a surprise, and found my reaction shocking and ungrateful. I suspect he was looking forward to playing on it as well, contributing to his frustration, but he hasn’t yet said so. He said it could be his gift to me for all the big things this year – our anniversary, my birthday, Christmas, etc. But I never asked for this. In fact, there are many items I would RATHER buy than a Switch 2, but haven’t voiced it because we simply can’t afford extras.
Part of my issue is he is the reason we’re in debt…. And while he admits responsibility (2 days before our wedding he confessed he had over $20k in CC debt – a total shock and surprise to me), he doesn’t seem to live in a way that is conscious about money. This is not the first time or even the second time he has bought something expensive and framed it as a gift, and he frequently doesn’t discuss purchases with me, even though he promises he will.
He’s always sorry, and says it will never happen again. It ALWAYS happens again. He says he’s going to get a side job or start door dashing to pay our account back. I’ve insisted that instead he at minimum returns the console, and at best, gets that side job to help us get ahead of the debt.
The conversation didn’t go well and now we’re not talking. I need to know. AITA?
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I had been researching if the new Donkey Kong game coming out will be compatible with our Nintendo Switch. The switch hasn’t gotten a lot of use in the last year, but I LOVED the Mario Odyssey game and heard the Donkey Kong game would be similar. Unsurprisingly, it won’t be compatible. It was created for the new Switch 2, and can only be played on the Switch 2. As I said, our current Switch hasn’t gotten a lot of use, so I don’t feel it’s justifiable that we pay $500 for the new console. I won’t get to play the game, and that’s OK.
Unbeknownst to me – my husband took it upon himself to be extremely thoughtful and purchase the Switch for me as a surprise, knowing I was interested in the game, and couldn’t play it on our current set up.
The problem is – we’re in debt. We’re in debt, and want to buy a home. We have been saving but are still off the mark, and both feel getting settled into a home is necessary before we move to the next chapter and try to start a family, something that is very important to both of us.
My initial reaction to the game console was “Can it be returned?” Which was extremely frustrating to my husband, who insists he bought it just for me as a surprise, and found my reaction shocking and ungrateful. I suspect he was looking forward to playing on it as well, contributing to his frustration, but he hasn’t yet said so. He said it could be his gift to me for all the big things this year – our anniversary, my birthday, Christmas, etc. But I never asked for this. In fact, there are many items I would RATHER buy than a Switch 2, but haven’t voiced it because we simply can’t afford extras.
Part of my issue is he is the reason we’re in debt…. And while he admits responsibility (2 days before our wedding he confessed he had over $20k in CC debt – a total shock and surprise to me), he doesn’t seem to live in a way that is conscious about money. This is not the first time or even the second time he has bought something expensive and framed it as a gift, and he frequently doesn’t discuss purchases with me, even though he promises he will.
He’s always sorry, and says it will never happen again. It ALWAYS happens again. He says he’s going to get a side job or start door dashing to pay our account back. I’ve insisted that instead he at minimum returns the console, and at best, gets that side job to help us get ahead of the debt.
The conversation didn’t go well and now we’re not talking. I need to know. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for refusing my husbands gift. He was excited to give it to me and my reaction was poor and let him down.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA- I’d try to say something along the lines of “I appreciate the gesture, but I’m really working to save for a new house and pay off debt. Let’s return this and possibly purchase one at a better time.”
If you specifically told him not to do gifts this year, NTA. If you didn’t specify no gifts, YTA. He’s the AH for that credit card debt announcement a day before the wedding. I’m surprised you followed through with the wedding. I would have postponed the wedding if I were you, or maybe just ended the relationship there. My advice is to push him into getting a better job and to never use a credit card again until the debt his paid. I’m not trying to put you in a gold digger mindset when it comes to guys, but you should make sure to be with a man who is RESPONSIBLE with money.
NTA. You have a reasonable concern about a real life issue.
Recommend, though, working through and writing up a plan between the two of you about what you’re going to do to get out of this debt. And how you’re going to manage money going forward.
This may be really difficult for someone that is not responsible with money to do, as he seems to be. But this will give you a written plan to both agree to and refer to in the future.
Money management is a huge, critical thing to be on the same page on for any relationship. I wish you luck!
ESH. He’s making bad financial choices and you aren’t setting true boundaries. You guys need to get on a budget ASAP. Let this be the final push to do that. Otherwise you’re going to be in a world of hurt for years and years.
One of the top causes of divorce is financial irresponsibility or incompatibility. That’s all.
NTA but you’re not on the same financial page. I’d suggest booking a consult with a financial advisor or credit counselor to help with setting a budget, goals, etc. If you two can’t agree on a plan, this will continue to be a problem for your marriage
hold up. you knew he was bad with money and in debt( holy shit!) and you…. thought that what? he’d miraculously become financially responsible?
be for real with yourself, he is a spender, not a provider.
Don’t have children with a man who will buy toys instead of what they need.
Wow I normally say if you don’t have shared finances then its not a true partnership, but the actions of your man make me hope you’ve kept things separate. You need to have a serious talk about finances or he’ll be $50K in debt before you know it.
YTA for going through with the wedding and expecting him to magically not be an idiot. Seriously, what were you thinking.
NTA. He seriously can’t be trusted, you’re completely in the right knowing you already have a game console you barely use. That’s super frustrating I totally get where you’re coming from.
Honestly, j
I get your position, and overall you are NTA, certainly not for your position. How you handled it? ehhhh…idk. How you said what you said is kinda iffy to me but 🤷🏻
That said…I think he might want to get some therapy. Those kind of spending habits often stem from something more (I speak from experience). It could be a compulsion. There is potential for there to be something bigger underlying that he doesn’t even know himself that could be causing his irresponsible spending .
NTA.
My wife and I have had our own struggles with being responsible with our money. It took us a long time to sit down and rein in the spending. We’re in a similar spot to where you guys are, only my wife is the one with the credit card debt.
It sounds like your husband is still having some trouble being responsible with money. I don’t even want to say he’s an AH here, because heaven knows it took me ages to get my own spending habits under control. I’m inclined to cut him a little slack because I know it can be difficult, but at the same time it comes off like he’s not really trying.
I wish I had some advice to help, but really it was a wake up call when we were suddenly broke even though my wife and I both earn a good salary and we had to really look at where all the money was going. If I told you how much money we were spending on take out every week it would make you see red.
I think it’s also ok to splurge from time to time on something fun. What’s the point of working and making money if you don’t get to enjoy it? But a $500 video game console isn’t really a gift for your spouse when the money you’re spending on it is coming out of your household budget. This sounds like it should have been a decision you made together.
That way you could plan for it, or even put money aside for it so it all fits into your budget.
Your husband is going to have to get with the program though, plain and simple. Best of luck, OP. Wish the same for us is you can!
You guys need to be on a budget and stick to it. He’s not a child anymore and needs to grow the eff up. My husband was so similar, buying things “for the house or for the family” with money that I was saving up for other things. I was the saver and he was the spender. I suffered 30 years of that. And I resent him so much. Don’t be like me, if he’s not willing to grow up. Don’t suffer.
NTA. I spent 15 years in a marriage where my ex-husband didn’t get it. I was in charge of our budget, and he continually exceeded it. He knew our limits, but he just didn’t care. Were it not for my parents, we would have never been able to feed our kids some months. He was an ass, and he always will be an ass. He never understood how to manage money. I actually had to take his debit & credit cards so he couldn’t spend our money. We both worked 40-hour week, full-time jobs, but we couldn’t pay for anything. It was embarrassing, and I felt such shame because of him. Please don’t do this to yourself. If he can’t show true change, don’t make this the rest of your life. He will drag you down.
NTA “I love you and this will be such a fun gift, but we cannot afford it right now. Please return it and we will buy it another time. Thank you for thinking of me”
NTA
But why you expecting him to change.
You’re not an AH, you’re a fucking adult.
NTA
Sexually transmitted debt. He will not change. Do you want your whole life to be like this?
Keep the Switch. Dump the man.
That’s disgusting. Have him listen to like an older male counselor….financial or otherwise. Maybe he’ll hear it differently coming from a ,” professional” 😣
NTA