I’ve (33F) been with my boyfriend (47M) for 9 years, with a break of nearly a year due to now resolved issues. For the past 2 years, we’ve decided to each have our own places. I have a daughter (13) living with me and my boyfriend has his youngest daughter (14) living with him.
His daughter tends to throw tantrums when she realizes she’s wrong, complicating their relationship as he ends up telling her she could go live with her mother if she isn’t happy, but things then just return to normal after those fights. I usually don’t interfere in their arguments as I’m not concerned.
A month ago though, they dealt with a water issue at their house and stayed with us. She threw a fit at my place after we confronted her about insulting my daughter the week prior so she threw her drink and stated that leaving was better than staying with a brat and someone constantly watching her. My boyfriend told her she WAS gonna go live with her mother now and the week after she was leaving for the summer at her mother’s, which was planned so the issue wasn’t resolved.
After that, we learned that she constantly complained about our home being “not clean enough” despite not following my rules, criticized our weight and said I spoiled my daughter compared to how I treated her when even my boyfriend noticed I was gentle to her compared to what it would be with my daughter.
My boyfriend hasn’t talked to her since she left, and last week when talking about it, he considered giving her another chance. I told him it was his decision, but I wouldn’t welcome her back without a serious conversation, as I wouldn’t accept that behavior from my own daughter. He finally stated she wouldn’t come back.
Now, I wonder if his decision was for himself or for me, and I feel guilty, as if I’m driving them apart. So AITA for not wanting her in my home anymore?
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I’ve (33F) been with my boyfriend (47M) for 9 years, with a break of nearly a year due to now resolved issues. For the past 2 years, we’ve decided to each have our own places. I have a daughter (13) living with me and my boyfriend has his youngest daughter (14) living with him.
His daughter tends to throw tantrums when she realizes she’s wrong, complicating their relationship as he ends up telling her she could go live with her mother if she isn’t happy, but things then just return to normal after those fights. I usually don’t interfere in their arguments as I’m not concerned.
A month ago though, they dealt with a water issue at their house and stayed with us. She threw a fit at my place after we confronted her about insulting my daughter the week prior so she threw her drink and stated that leaving was better than staying with a brat and someone constantly watching her. My boyfriend told her she WAS gonna go live with her mother now and the week after she was leaving for the summer at her mother’s, which was planned so the issue wasn’t resolved.
After that, we learned that she constantly complained about our home being “not clean enough” despite not following my rules, criticized our weight and said I spoiled my daughter compared to how I treated her when even my boyfriend noticed I was gentle to her compared to what it would be with my daughter.
My boyfriend hasn’t talked to her since she left, and last week when talking about it, he considered giving her another chance. I told him it was his decision, but I wouldn’t welcome her back without a serious conversation, as I wouldn’t accept that behavior from my own daughter. He finally stated she wouldn’t come back.
Now, I wonder if his decision was for himself or for me, and I feel guilty, as if I’m driving them apart. So AITA for not wanting her in my home anymore?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my boyfriend that if he took back his daughter to live with him I’d accept it but not welcome her in my own house anymore and then he decided to not take her back, so I’m thinking I might be the asshole for driving them apart as he made his decision after I told him what I thought.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Huge age difference and at two different times in your life.
You live separately after being together?
He lets his daughter act rude towards you and your daughter?
There are other men in the world. 9 years and no marriage? Nope. You deserve better
NTA, ur not asking him to choose between u, u simply want respect in your own home. that’s not unreasonable. if she wants to come back, she can act right and have a conversation. ur not the bad guy here.
Honestly, it looks like your boyfriend is a terrible dad.
The silence treatment for a teenager acting out ? The constant “then go live with your mother” ?
Sheesh, honestly I understand that his daughter is not easy to live with (and there should be consequences) but the way he is handling it is super icky and he seems to lack maturity.
I would not be able to stay with a man like that.
NTA but I think it would be worth it to reevaluate your relationship.
NTA, honestly. ur place, ur rules. Sounds like she’s got some growin’ up to do before she can respect that. Props on not letting tantrums slide, too many folks these days don’t hold their kids accountable. She needs some tough love, not more coddling. Don’t let guilt trick you into thinking you’re the bad guy, sometimes tough decisions need to be made for the greater good. Chill out, you’re doing just fine.
From the title I thought you were but you are definitely NTA.
You are both the asshole and you are seriously fucking up his daughter.
One of the top rules when you are dealing with dual home children is you absolutely do not ship them off to the other parent because you don’t feel like dealing with the child lashing out. And when you do do this, the child lashes out more.
All you have done is teach your stepdaughter that her dad can and will abandon her.
Congratulations. You are horrible people. Read a parenting book and book family and individual therapy. You all need it.
Yta.
NTA. You’re not driving them apart, there are clearly a lot of issues between him and his daughter that have nothing to do with you. I also agree that it isn’t on you to make things right between them, and you’re entitled to protecting the peace in your home.
You aren’t married, so she is not your stepdaughter. She is your bf’s daughter. Since she is not respectful, you are within your rights to not host her at your home.
nta
YTA. he is deadbeat father who doesn’t parent his OWN goddamn kid. Huge gap tells me he wanted babysitter, for 9 years he didn’t propose and if you don’t want marriage then it’s so perfect for him! No legal obligation toward you and your daughter+free babysitter+avoid his obligation. Last incidents were wake up call for you to draw boundaries. Worst part you exposed your daughter instead of shielding from her hostility. You are mother before just girlfriend! Mildly good thing that you are now not allowing that girl come near, that child need professional help or whooping. YTA for doing this amount of work for JUST a boyfriend and allowing your OWN daugther deal with this. I can tell she insulted your daugther without you knowing, her mother and dad enabled it. He took action because you reacted strongly last time.
He does Not sound like good parent material. I don’t care what your kid does- not staying in touch and connected at that age is Not ok.
You didn’t say she wasn’t welcome back, you said that she wasn’t welcome back without a serious conversation, which needs to happen. She’s 14, temper-tantrums shouldn’t be happening. She’s also a teenage girl though, so control over her emotions is not a thing yet, but if you can talk to her calmly, even if she is a brat during it, she will be able to think about it later and possibly absorb what you’re telling her.
She’s at the age where emotions/reactions are everywhere and parental relationships always impact how a kid deals. Just be aware of that and keep it in mind. I don’t think you’re the AH for expecting a serious conversation and serious changes to occur. That is to be expected, but don’t cut her out completely. That age is wretched and she needs family not to give up on her, and if it’s a constant threat that they are willing to boot her out and just cut her off, I guarantee she’s feeling that sting every time it’s uttered.
NTA
YTA: you are dating a terrible father who constantly threatens to send his child away, introduced you and your child too soon and is bringing his asshole father energy around your child who is watching the dynamic of how the two adults treat another child.
You brought him into your child’s life and are exposing her to a terrible pattern which makes you an AH. You are also blaming the child the two of you are treating like shit for reacting like a child who is being treated like shit.
The fact you continue to want to date a man who treats his child like shit and is happy you do too is classic asshole behaviour although technically you aren’t a stepmother yet. The fact you are modelling you will bully a child to your child instead of protecting them from stuff like the drink throwing is just exhausting.
Another AH parent in an AH relationship with an AH parent giving no cares to the impacts their dating lives have on the children of any of those relationships. Your age gap is a red flag for him but you aren’t some child yourself who is so young or different in life stages to use it to excuse being an AH or to sympathy fish here.
Stop acting like teenagers!!!!
Explain and reinforce the rules and ask her to clean her own mess instead of throwing yourselves temper tantrums… and please 🙏🏻
Dad, always express your inconditional love, dad/daughter needs it, be the adult in the room.
Dad ought to send her message if can’t give call.
Hope you enjoy your summer
When you come back we should do this and that
I’m fixing my place so we can be the two of us and organize the home so you feel comfortable…
Please, please
ESH It is so unbelievably fucked up that instead of parenting, your boyfriend just tells her to go live with her mother. All teenagers act out from time to time. All kids throw tantrums. You don’t just send your kid to live elsewhere, you work through it. He should be enforcing consequences if she’s genuinely out of line but also talking to her and trying to get to the bottom of what’s wrong. I mean, it’s not hard to figure out what’s wrong though. Any child would be deeply hurt if their dad just kept giving up on them and telling them to leave. Blended families are a huge adjustment and you’re expecting a hormonal teenager who’s just been through puberty to handle it with the maturity of an adult. This is all despite the fact you and her dad keep changing the arrangements which is probably confusing as hell for the kids. There’s obviously a reason you broke up to begin with. That’s probably part of the problem. As for her saying your house isn’t clean enough… Well… Is it clean enough? Maybe that’s true. Maybe she has a point. Whether or not she follows your rules doesn’t justify you raising children in an unclean house.
ESH
Not your monkey not your circus. I kick out anyone that disrespects me at my home, child or adult the like. NTA
YTA
He’s a father, he needs to provide a home for his daughter.
So he is choosing to abandon his daughter? Gross. She needs to work on some stuff but he will always be her parent. You don’t get to just stop parenting your kid.
You both sound emotionally volatile and he tellso her off saying going live your mother if you don’t like it to a 14 year old? Adolescents are not known for their stability which if why adults around them need to be the ones who are emotionally mature and see the big picture to support them. You describe the situation like she is a hassle you can simply decide to do without. Knowing that you both feel that way must be very painful for a 14 yrar old child. It sounds like you consider her to be an annoying roommate you can be rid of any time. He is not parenting her and you are making it worse. YTA for believing you should have any say about a child being with her parent.
24 and 38
NTA but your boyfriend is a creep.
YTA. You don’t threaten abandonment as a disapline method ffs. No wonder the kid has issues. You also don’t abandon them unless they’re a genuine danger. I wouldn’t be staying with this man unless he took some parenting classes and got the daughter on an even keel. You realise he will eventually start with treating your daughter the same way when she messes up right?
The punishment for his daughters misbehaving needs to be zero tolerance but fair and not behaving like a kid himself. She acts up straight to her room, no TV, grounding, removing privileges, writing apology notes, extra chores etc. Not abandonment or threatening abandonment
ESH – your main concern is your regular supply of vitamin D, not your daughter’s well-being, nor the well-being of your not step-daughter (step children are the children of one’s legal spouse, to whom one would have the obligation and the right to assume parental authority and care, should your spouse become incapacitated, which you do not have). Your boyfriend is a negligent parent, which you accept as long as you’re not expected to do anything and your fun isn’t interrupted. You’re a negligent parent for not dealing with the issues between your children, only viewing their acting out (a normal response from children who are not receiving proper care and attention from their parents) as an obstacle to your irresponsible pleasure-seeking.
Children know when their parents aren’t taking their needs seriously, which neither you nor your boyfriend are doing, because you are still unmarried after 9 years, apparently 6 living together, 1 without contact, and 2 living separately. So the relationship has steadily degraded over time, with the well-being of both children not being the focus of either of you.
This is an entanglement, a codependency relationship in which the children are afterthoughts, mere props in your personal drama. Have you ever even considered how your daughter feels about the situation? Had the thought ever entered your mind that maybe the person who is completely dependent on you for her health and mental wellbeing, over whom you have legal and physical power to control her environment and to guide the future course of her life, should be at the foremost in your mind?
NTA but your BF is a bad dad, using threats like that to try and control his daughter, instead of actually tackling her bad behaviour. Personally I’d find out if he’s sending her back to her mom because of his own failure as a father or if he’s using you as an accuse to get rid of the daughter he can’t handle. If it’s the latter then end the relationship and take that accuse away from him and make him face the fact that he’s a bad dad. If it’s the former I’d still consider ending the relationship because if he bails on his own kid when things get to hard he’ll definitely bail on you too.
YTA Just break up with your boyfriend, then you won’t have to deal with his daughter anymore. There is no way you can justify omitting his daughter. Especially since her behavior isn’t her fault, it’s your boyfriend’s. They need therapy.
If you stay with him, you become the ‘evil stepmom’ who only wants to blame the daughter and want to discard her so easily.
YTA, why do you have this man around your child? He is not a good father. You are teaching your child she will get thrown away if she doesn’t behave. Your only job as a parent is to protect your child. Your love life takes a back seat.
NTA for not allowing his child but he is toxic too.
NTA. He was looking for an excuse or reason to give into what he really wanted and that was to have the daughter live full time w/her mom again. He doesn’t know how to parent a teenage girl and he cannot connect w/her by constantly accepting her rude behavior w/no consequences or discussion. Do not think for one minute that his decision is on you. You’d be making yourself the scapegoat.
ESH. He’s a mega asshole. It is no shock she’s acting out. How can she even remotely feel safe and comfortable when her father’s solution to everything is to kick her out?
YTA for staying with him when he’s a terrible father and for further driving a wedge in their fractured relationship.
Unless mom is a crackhead and somehow worse than you two, she would be better off there anyway.
YTA because you said “I don’t interfere with their arguments as I am not concerned.” You are 1/3 of the adult equation in a minor child’s life. To me, that’s not cool at all. You are in a position, as an adult, to help this child and advocate for improving the quality of her life, you and your husbands, and your daughters. I get that everyone may suck here but it’s seems like you’re just throwing this child away because it’s simply not convenient to take the high road. You’re basically contributing to this kids demise.
YTA. It’s you and her father need to grow up and at like adults not little children. Her behavior while annoying and unacceptable is how teens can behave. They can be be self centered brats and is why parents need to step up and help them learn. Both of you are YTA