My older brother is getting married next month. The issue is his fiancée insists on bringing her golden retriever to the ceremony and reception, even though it’ll be held at an indoor banquet hall.
I’ve always been honest about my severe dog allergy (hives) I told her months ago, kindly, that I wouldn’t be able to stay if the dog was present. She brushed it off, saying he’s family too and that I could just take allergy meds. Last week, my brother called in tears, saying his fiancée feels I’m trying to ruin her day and now his future in laws think I hate dogs and am being selfish. He asked if I would kust deal for a few hours because it’s too late to change plans. I’m hurt and I love my brother and was looking forward to standing beside him, but I also don’t want to spend the whole night sneezing and wheezing or, worst case, end up needing an EpiPen. My parents say I should suck it up for family so I offered to be present for the rehearsal photos, everything else, but they say the wedding won’t be the same without me.
Honestly, I’m so sad. It’s his big day, but I also think my health matters. Am I the asshole for saying I won’t attend if the dog is there?
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My older brother is getting married next month. The issue: his fiancée insists on bringing her golden retriever to the ceremony and reception, even though it’ll be held at an indoor banquet hall.
I’ve always been honest about my severe dog allergy (hives) I told her months ago, kindly, that I wouldn’t be able to stay if the dog was present. She brushed it off, saying he’s family too and that I could just take allergy meds. Last week, my brother called in tears, saying his fiancée feels I’m “trying to ruin her day” and now his future in laws think I hate dogs and am being selfish. He asked if I would kust deal for a few hours because it’s too late to change plans. I’m hurt and I love my brother and was looking forward to standing beside him, but I also don’t want to spend the whole night sneezing and wheezing or, worst case, end up needing an EpiPen. My parents say I should suck it up for family so I offered to be present for the rehearsal photos, everything else, but they say the wedding won’t be the same without me.
Honestly, I’m so sad. It’s his big day, but I also think my health matters. Am I the asshole for saying I won’t attend if the dog is there?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my brother I wouldn’t attend his wedding if his fiancée’s dog was there, due to my allergy My brother and his fiancée feel I’m being selfish, trying to ruin her big day, and refusing to accommodate their wishes. Their reaction made me wonder if I’m actually prioritizing my comfort instead of there big day
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA You’ve got to look after your health.
NTA…If your allergy is that severe, you simply won’t be able to attend. They made their choice. Offer your best wishes and move on.
NTA
There is a petty side of me, which says give everyone exactly what they want. Go, with an epipen. As soon as the allergies get bad enough, use and call an ambulance to take you to the hospital to deal with it all.
Let them live the consequences you warned them about.
Now, this is just petty revenge fantasy. You should not put your own health at risk for something like this, which of course means, you are not an AH for having a medical condition that precludes you joining their plans.
NTA. You need to look after your health. You’re not “trying to ruin anyone’s day” you’re simply existing with a terrible allergy to dogs.
It wouldn’t surprise me if you did go around the dog and your hives “ruined the wedding photos” or something. I wouldn’t go. They’re putting her dog before your health and wellbeing.
Absolutely NTA. The bride can suck it up and kennel her dog for one day so that the family member whose allergies will force them to forego what should be one of the happiest days in their brother’s life.
NTA – honestly, I’d ask her which would ruin her wedding more – if her dog is not standing in the wedding vs the best man/brother of groom passing out mid ceremony and having to stop everything to EpiPen him on the alter ?
Her logic doesn’t even make sense.
I’m leaning towards YTA, or NAH. My instinct says, it’s her wedding she shouldn’t have to worry about anyone but herself. If she wanted to bring the dog to your wedding, it’d be different.
I mean, what kind of allergy are we talking about? Is it life threatening or will you be uncomfortable? I get allergic reactions to certain perfumes and plants but can take medication to manage it… when you say epipen I think anaphylactic shock, but then you say your parents tell you to suck it up which they wouldn’t if it were life threatening… it’s a bit blurry.
NTA. I’d have sympathy for his fiancé’s stance if this was a needed service dog; then there’d be a real choice to be made between the attendance of close family and the need for a service dog. I had a service dog for 9 years, and am waiting for a successor, so I have occasionally had friends and family having to decide what to do about allergies, because it was a severe hardship for me to not have the dog.
But this poor pet dog is going to be miserable and stressed. Big parties like this are not a kind thing to do to your dog. They’re not trained for it, they’re not used to it, and the odds of something going awry are high.
And really, the dog being stressed out is the smaller problem here – the fact that you can’t safely come to your sibling’s wedding because she is so enmeshed with her dog that she can’t celebrate her wedding without him is awful! I’d be really sad and hurt if my sibling was making a choice that meant I couldn’t safely attend her wedding, and we don’t even like each other.
That would be like someone with a severe peanut allergy having someone say to them “can’t you just eat this PBJ sandwich just one time for me?” NTA
Updateme
I mean, it’s their wedding so not your choice and nothing you can do about it.
They want the dog there. So either you accomodate or you don’t go.
NAH.
NTA.
I don’t understand this weird trend of having your dogs be a part of everything you do, but I hope the trend ends soon. I hope your brother and his wife have reached out to let EVERYONE attending know that a dog will be there, because I doubt you’re the only one who is allergic depending on how large the wedding is.
I’d stand my ground. Don’t spend a day feeling like shit and risking your life because your SIL wants to be super-dog-mommy. And remember that if you HAVE to use your epipen, that is NOT a life-saver, it’s to keep you going until you have time to get to a hospital.
Boo fucking hoo. Tell him to tell his future in-laws that you DO hate dogs and you ARE being selfish by putting your health first. Don’t go for photos and make it look in perpetuity like you were fully welcome at the wedding. NTA
NTA.
Will there be an ambulance available in case of emergency? You should make an enquiry on if the groom and bride have even considered it a necessity.
You can float the hypothetical scenario “what would the bride’s family feel if their daughters wedding was over-shadowed by a member of the grooms family collapsing from a severe allergic reaction, having to be rushed to hospital, and perhaps dying?” They will say you’re being dramatic, but tragedies happen every mundane day and sometimes on special days.
If it was me I’d send some kind of passive-aggressive message “As (dogs name) is considered an important family member and must attend the wedding, and since being alive is an essential state of being for me, I have decided not to be present at the wedding. Being able to breathe is really important to me, and I have plans for new years I’d really rather be alive to attend. Have a good one in my absence” and then put your phone on do not disturb, boot up your favourite video game or tv series and distract yourself for the rest of the night.
NTA. They are choosing her dog over your health. Anyone saying it’s not that serious has never known someone who needs an epi-pen in case the reaction is too bad. Why should you have to be miserable and possibly suffer a hospitalization level reaction (the rip-pen being the thing to possibly stop that for those who don’t know) just so she can have her dog at the wedding? A little sneezing is one thing but hives? And epi-pens take it to a whole other level.
And is anyone else allergic? Did they ask their other guests or are they simply assuming everyone will be excited about the wedding and the dog and no one will care? Where it comes to wedding, people become very short-sighted and selfish. It’s all about what they want and everyone else can piss off.
While I get it’s a once in a lifetime day, it’s also a day they are asking their loved ones to share with them. Sometimes you need to see reason and put others before yourself even on “your” day. They will look back on this huge moment that you’re missing from and maybe they will regret it later. Or maybe they are selfish enough that they will always blame you.
Either way, your health matters more than their want to have their dog at the wedding. And I’ll bet any other guests with allergies, especially those that can be life threatening, would say the same.
NTA. You informed them of your allergy, and since they do insist on bringing their dog, you have to look after your health. Can something like Claritin or Zyrtec help, sure, but if it’s that severe, you will have to take multiple doses. I would give them your best wishes and just not attend. As for your parents and everyone else, THEIR health isn’t at risk, it’s YOUR health.
YTA – take some benadryl and deal. It’s not like the dog will be climbing on you, it’s a big reception hall.
NTA
This is absolutely ridiculous.
Expecting you to literally make yourself ill is breathtakingly selfish and narcissistic behaviour.
I would just stay away. Clearly the mutt is more important.
NTA- a wedding isn’t a place for a dog as they are gross and not everyone wants to be around them while eating. Even if you didn’t have the allergy and just didn’t like being around a dog, you would still be NTA. Dog culture has gotten insufferable.
NTA – “look bro, it’s me or the dog. It’s that simple. Your choice.”
NTA – who asks someone to endure a serious allergic reaction for anything?! That’s messed up
Just don’t go? See if they can accommodate you with a virtual feed?
Also though, you will have to deal with her dog long after this ceremony. Maybe multiple dogs. I have allergies to many things but I won’t let that stop me from enjoying a big moment in my family’s life.
We can, as adults, take precautions.
Also I’m just imagining you yelling at someone who has a service dog and that’s making me cringe pretty hard.
Info
Can you attend the ceremony as a guest, and avoid the reception? That way, you witness the marriage, and in theory you’re not near the dog. But you can avoid the reception where you have more chance of being exposed to the dog.
NTA. This is a health situation. Don’t go.
I’m just curious, how much contact is detrimental to your health? I also am allergic to dogs but it only really bothers me if I’m petting them or if they are really close to me. If the venue is large and you stay away from the dog, would it still trigger your allergies? I often see service dogs in stores and those don’t bother my allergies because I’m not touching them or right near them.
As someone who generally rates dog over people, you are absolutely NTA. If your allergy is genuinely serious enough that you may need to use an epi pen or be hospitalised, then your brother has prioritised having a non-service animal at his wedding over his sisters health. He’s made his choice. Why you would want to stand up with someone who doesn’t care about you is beyond me. I would decline in your position.
NTA
“Dog owners try to be normal challenge”-It’s impossible.
I jest but if they’re really going to put the dog over their sister in law, frankly their priorities are out of wack.
NTA if you have epipen level reactions to dogs. YTA if you can take meds and deal.
NTA and I’d be phrasing it as ‘I would hate to take all the attention away from you, when I collapse and call an ambulance. It’s your special day, and everyone should be talking about your ceremony, not me!
NTA
I spent 3 years getting immunity shots for dogs and cats….I STILL cannot spend 2-3 hours in my MILs house for long because she has dogs. Dogs punch through all my allergy meds.
The wedding is optional for you, fortunately. The bride doesn’t need more drama to deal with. If allergy meds aren’t possible, you can’t go.
It doesn’t really matter what Reddit thinks. She’s the bride. It’s her wedding.
ESH. Your family for pressuring you when you’ve said no. You, because: Are they getting married in a closet? If the wedding is in a reasonably large venue, just don’t go near the dog! If you are so allergic that being in a large space with a single dog is a health risk, then how do you go anywhere?