My (26M) sister (31F) is getting married this fall. She’s been planning her dream wedding for the past two years, and a big part of that vision apparently involves having a no kids allowed policy. I totally respect that it’s her wedding, her rules.
The issue is i’m a single dad to my 6-year-old daughter. My ex is not in the picture, and I don’t have a support system that allows me to just leave her with someone for an entire weekend. It’s not just about finding a babysitter. I literally have no one else I trust with her for that long especially because my entire family will be at the wedding.
What stings most is that my sister used to be super close with my daugher. She even posted photos years ago of her with captions like “my future flower girl” and my daughter idolizes her.
When I reminded my sister about that, she just said, “Well, that was before I knew what kind of aesthetic I wanted.” Like… what????
I asked if she’d be willing to make an exception just for the ceremony so Lily could be the flower girl like she always imagined. She said no. “If I let one kid come, the others will expect to come too.” I reminded her Lily is family, not a random guest’s toddler, but she didn’t budge.
So I told her I wouldn’t be attending. I’m not dumping my daughter to go to a party where she’s explicitly excluded, especially when she was always told she would be included. My sister blew up, said I was making it all about me, and our Parents and extended families have also been choosing sides.
Now I’m being called the asshole for choosing my daughter over “one day that’s not about me.”
AITA?
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My (26M) sister (31F) is getting married this fall. She’s been planning her dream wedding for the past two years, and a big part of that vision apparently involves having a no kids allowed policy. I totally respect that it’s her wedding, her rules.
The issue is i’m a single dad to my 6-year-old daughter. My ex is not in the picture, and I don’t have a support system that allows me to just leave her with someone for an entire weekend. It’s not just about finding a babysitter. I literally have no one else I trust with her for that long especially because my entire family will be at the wedding.
What stings most is that my sister used to be super close with my daugher. She even posted photos years ago of her with captions like “my future flower girl” and my daughter idolizes her.
When I reminded my sister about that, she just said, “Well, that was before I knew what kind of aesthetic I wanted.” Like… what????
I asked if she’d be willing to make an exception just for the ceremony so Lily could be the flower girl like she always imagined. She said no. “If I let one kid come, the others will expect to come too.” I reminded her Lily is family, not a random guest’s toddler, but she didn’t budge.
So I told her I wouldn’t be attending. I’m not dumping my daughter to go to a party where she’s explicitly excluded, especially when she was always told she would be included. My sister blew up, said I was making it all about me, and our Parents and extended families have also been choosing sides.
Now I’m being called the asshole for choosing my daughter over “one day that’s not about me.”
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I’m refusing to go to my older sisters wedding since she won’t let my daughter come. 2. this has started an argument in our family.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH.
She has the right to want a childfree weeding (less noise, no children running around, more alcohol, adults talk, etc)
You have the right to decline because it doesn’t suit you.
NTA. Cost of a child-free wedding, some people will choose not to come because they do not want to leave their children behind.
I personally don’t understand child-free weddings, as the wedding is supposed to bring the families together and the children are part of the families. But that’s was bride wants, the bride gets as long as husband doesn’t object.
If your daughter hadn’t already been told that she’d be the flower girl, and from the sound of it has been counting on this happening, I’d say that you were the A. This is because people get to have child-free weddings and people who have kids and no satisfactory child-care get to RSVP their regrets. All of your arguments about how Lily is family have no bearing on you sister’s right to go child-free without negative judgement. (Just as you get to RSVP “no” without negative judgment.)
But Lily has been lead to believe that she’s in the damned wedding. That’s a whole different story. I would suggest that you tell Lily that as much as you’d love to go to the wedding, you hear that Princesses Belle, Moana, and their friends Mickey and Minnie and Snow White and Cinderella are planning to see her at Disneyland that very same weekend!
Your sister will then have to deal with the aesthetics of not having her brother at her wedding, but that’s her problem, isn’t it?
NTA
NTA. Would she (and any family members supporting her) really rather her niece spend a weekend with strangers?? That’s the worst part for me.
She gets to make choices about her wedding invite list; you get to decide whether or not you can accept.
Nah for child free or declining.
You’re NTA, your sister did this to herself.
No drama you can’t come because you don’t have someone to care for your daughter while you attend. No exceptions is fine. Now my guess is that you do have a good option for the care of your daughter and you refuse to take it and your sister is aware of that.
Your sister absolutely has the right to not invite kids, however she needs to understand that that means that people with children who don’t have childcare will not be able to attend. You have to prioritize your kid’s safety.
I’ve known people who provided child care for guests during their wedding so that they didn’t have to worry about it. It usually involves hiring a couple of certified child care professionals to watch the kids at a hotel or something nearby.
NTA.
You were never the asshole.
Your sister wasn’t the asshole AT FIRST (for wanting a child-free wedding, for changing her mind about the flower girl, for not making an exception for Lily)…
…until we get to the second last paragraph of your post:
My sister blew up, said I was making it all about me.
THAT’S the point at which your sister became the asshole.
Your sister could have done two things. She have could attempted to solve the childcare problem for you, e.g. by asking around her circle of friends to see if anyone could recommend a good sitter. Failing that, she could graciously accept your non-attendance and tell you she will be so sorry not to have you there, but she understands. Someone has to take care of Lily, and there just isn’t anyone.
Instead, she chose to act like an asshole.
Parents and extended families have also been choosing sides.
Tell the ones on your sister’s side that they can either solve the childcare problem for you, or they can STFU.
NTA
I’m sue you sister understands that your daughter can’t stay home by herself. Maybe she’s enjoying the drama?!
You are definitely NTA. What is your family expecting – that you just leave your child alone with a box of cereal and some milk for the wedding? Your sister is not necessarily an AH for the child free wedding, but she definitely moves into that category for getting mad that you are not attending because of her decision. At this point I would advise you not to attend even if she relents on bringing your daughter.
> Now I’m being called the asshole for choosing my daughter over “one day that’s not about me.”
Well of course as a parent you will always choose your child, especially over a day that is not about you
Nta
NTA – and this is from a childfree person who despises kids at weddings because parents often make the setting an excuse to get drug while their kids terrorize other adults. Your sister is firmly in the wrong since she has told your daughter she would be flower girl. You do not make that kind of promise to a child and then break it. This isn’t the typical situation that gets posted here were someone with misbehaved kids is trying to manipulate to get their way.
Yes, your sister can have whatever she desires at her wedding. However, she also needs to accept that not everyone invited is in a position to attend. If you have no one to leave your child with, you fall into this category
NTA go tell her you are a Dad a father and single Parent your child is your priority.
To the people choosing sides ask them to provide childcare or a solution.
She’s allowed to have a child-free wedding. She’s about the aesthetic she wants more than having her niece around, and again, she is allowed that. Many people make exceptions to include the children that they want in the ceremony, but that’s not the case here, and again, that’s fine.
Buuuuut…. with that in mind, she needs to be realistic and understand that not everyone has the fortune of childcare for her event, and that’s okay, too.
I’m going to go with either everyone’s the E.S.H. here because from what you’ve written, I am confident that you didn’t calmly discuss this with her, but also pushed buttons are siblings are apt to do, or NAH, because again, you are all allowed to do what is best for you.
She wants a child-free wedding; she needs to be open to understanding that not everyone can be there, and that includes you, and hurting the feelings of your niece. You can’t make it to the wedding because of childcare concerns, that’s valid, just be aware that it’s going to be a rift with your sister and probably your b.i.l. because he should be backing her up, for a long time to come. It is what it is.
YTA, sort of.
Your use of the word “refusing” is overly harsh.
She can have a child-free wedding.
And you can calmly decline to attend because of childcare needs. Or, you could have someone care for your daughter on the day of the wedding, if you want to attend.
Why are you so angry about this?
NTA. She’s just messed up her relationship with her niece for a very long time and she’s too far up her own ass to realise it. Spend the money you were going to spend going to the wedding on a mini vacation with your daughter. Take her somewhere fun that you’ll both gain great memories from.
Definitely nta
NTA. She is entitled to have a childfree event. Those with children are entitled to decline, as is anyone else since it’s a wedding invitation and not a summons. It is cruel of her to say she will be the flower girl one day and then to dismiss that due to aesthetics. Her wedding, her choice. She will have to shut up and deal with the consequences.
NTA – Your child comes before anything. Your sister needs to be the one to break her heart by telling her she cant be the flower girl. You spend that weekend doing something special with your daughter.
YTA. Are you seriously saying you couldn’t find a babysitter you could trust in the 2 years your sister been planning this wedding?
Ask your sister to explain to your daughter why she is not going to be at the wedding. Ask your parents if they would be willing to babysit their granddaughter. Just to see what happens. NTA
NTA. You didn’t push the issue, tried to find compromises and for lack of those opted to sit this one out. A flower girl is an actual role within a wedding, that would make your kid more than just a guest. So in that regard, I think an exception could be made.
NTA – she can’t be annoyed that you’re not coming because of HER rule. Also, she could make your daughter flowergirl. It’s v common, even at childfree weddings!
NTA she extended an invitation fully knowing that you have a child who cannot be left alone to fend for herself and that any family who could look after her were also invited and are therefore unable to do so…
An invitation is just that.. a proffer, not an obligation… the obligation you have to look after your daughter should always come first… and you absolutely understand that… great dad…
She’s being unreasonable… she’s given you no option but to look after your daughter and not attend…
She made the decision based on this weird thing about “the aesthetics of my wedding” being more important than the reality of life… she’s also risked damaging her relationship with her niece over a photoshoot opportunity… she can absolutely have a child free wedding but she has to accept that there are consequences to that decision and your declining the invitation is your only option in the circumstances… what else did she expect???
Your daughter is your you chose to have her
You were given your sister and family
Choose your daughter first always no matter what
NTA. She can’t sit there and MAKE SIDES, and then get mad when people are picking sides. She absolutely is allowed a child-free wedding, but she also needs to understand that not everyone is going to be able to attend it; and if she can’t handle that, she needs to change some things or provide babysitting for the ceremony.
NTA, you, especially as a single dad choose your daughter over EVERYTHING. Especially “one day that’s not about me.”
The problem you pushed for exception
Instead of support
She is your sister and you could accept her decision
Also maybe worth to think deeper about possibility to find reliable sitter as family is good but situations can be different and life is go on
nope, 100% doing the right thing. She’s your daughter, a minor, not someone you can just leave for a few days
She has the right to exclude kids from her party. But by doing so, she has to accept that this means some people simply can’t attend. NTA.
If the brides brother brought his daughter to be a flower girl and then left after the ceremony.. not one person would question that. Even for a child free wedding. You offered a good compromise and she said no. Don’t go. That’s it. You’re not the AH. Everyone has a right to a child free wedding but that means a lot of people with children might not come.
NTA.
You are not making your sister’s wedding about you. You are putting your daughter’s safety and happiness first because you are a good loving father. Your sister can dictate who is invited to her wedding but she can not insist that you attend.
NTA. She’s not AH for wanting a child free wedding. She IS AH for having told a young child she was her flower girl, and then taking that away. I’d tell her it’s fine that she wants childfree, but she needs to be prepared to deal with some people not coming. She’d have the same problem if she picked a far off destination wedding – not everyone could arrange to go to that sort of wedding either.
I’d also make her break the bad news to her niece that she’s NOT going to be the flower girl. She made that decision, she gets to do the sucky part of actually breaking her heart, not pawn it off on dad.
Yta because you tried to pressure your sister to make an exception and you asked her to make her the flower girl. Who does that?
She made a comment years before and she posted something on Pinterest? Since I doubt your daughter has a Pinterest account, you’re the one who made this a thing.
It’s her wedding. Leave her alone. If you want your daughter to be a flower girl, you need to get married and make her one.
Your sisters wedding is not setup to manage your childcare issues. And kids don’t want to be at weddings anymore than they want to be at your work conference – even if it would be more convenient to take them so you wouldn’t have to find a babysitter.
She made the rules: kid free wedding and you have a kid. Of course you can’t leave your daughter, so of course you can’t go. NTA…and screw the family/relatives who think you should leave daughter w someone you don’t trust.
NTA. She should have known her choice would likely preclude your ability to attend. It’s her choice in terms of including her or not, but having her attend as flower girl would NOT open the gates to other kids attending. It’s a reasonable exception that others would easily understand.
NTA.
Maybe I’m biased, but I really don’t understand the shallow obsession so many (predominantly women) have over a day that is supposed to be a celebration of your love for someone in front of other people you love.
It’s been warped into this Kardashian-esque hellscape of selfishness and shallowness.
That’s not the way to start a marriage.
It’s no longer about love, it’s about indulgence, pandering and self-absorption.
I understand people wanting it to be a special day, but it should already be special in your heart and mind even if you’re getting married in a barn in front of a dozen people.
I’m sorry your sister turned out this way, but at least your parents raised one child the right way, and I’m sure you’re raising your daughter with the same principles.
Her wedding, her decisions
With that said, you can also choose to not attend. That is your choice
I would say yta for not respecting her decision and trying to change her mind, but nta for not going
NTA. Take your daughter to Disney that weekend.
NTA – the Bride may set the rules but she has to accept that her holy rules have consequences.
NTA if she has told your daughter she is going to be flower girl then changed her ‘aesthetic’. If she just posted online before she changed her mind the NAH, she is allowed to have a child free wedding, you are allowed to decline an invitation for any reason. Just rsvp that you won’t be attending, don’t try to persuade or pressure her into changing her mind.
I’m going YTA. She is free to have a child free wedding. You are free to decline. What makes you the AH is that you put zero effort into trying to attend, and pretend that your situation is deadlocked. It was “my girl comes or I won’t”. And that’s a stand you can absolutely take, but don’t try and pretend like you have no choice. You can get a babysitter for just the event. One that watches your daughter at the hotel while you attend. You can try out babysitters leading up to the wedding too.
We had a no kids wedding but our twin nieces were our flower girls. I had a couple of friends query us, even though we were quite specific. One even raised the “but the twins are going”. My response – “as flowergirls”. One threatened not to attend. I told her she would be missed and that her not coming was a disappointment, but didn’t budge on the rule.
Not allowing your daughter to be flower girl is her decision. Saying if she allows your daughter to come, then everyone will want to come, is probably true, but this it not something that can’t be managed.
I see both sides – surely there is a friend from school your daughter could stay with for the day?
NTA
She is entitled to have whatever rules she wants for her wedding. But you also are not obliged to go.
NTA. The child free wedding fad is selfish and foolish. Fuck em all and I hope they get excluded from future weddings once they have kids!
NAH. She’s entitled to do what she wants with her expensive party. You’re free to decline the invitation if you’re not able to attend.
Starting with your sister, like I said, it’s her party. What her mood boards said years ago is irrelevant. Sure, she planned for her niece to be the flower girl, because I’m sure that was the natural expectation at the time. If you have youngsters in immediate family, you’re usually obligated to include them, much like others are expected to have their siblings as bridesmaids and groomsmen regardless of their actual day to day relationship. But this is not years ago, this is now, and her current situation and relationship have evolved in a way that she has deemed it safer to remove children from the process entirely. Either she’s been reading up on horror stories of children ruining weddings, or she and her groom have enough experience with the children of their guests to know that problems are likely to occur. And since you cannot exclude only the problem children without hurting feelings and suffering drama, the only solution is to ban children entirely.
Unfortunately, your daughter is caught in the crossfire and is excluded as a consequence of others’ bad behavior. This puts you in a difficult position, and believe me, I sympathize with you. Being the sole caregiver is hard, and it limits you in a lot of ways. But that’s a sacrifice we choose to make. Wanting your daughter to be included doesn’t make you an asshole. You toe the line when you push the issue. It would be one thing if you’d approached it from the stance of “I want to be there and support you on your day but this is my obstacle, is there a solution we can find to make this work.” Instead, you come off as someone who is more focused on your daughter getting the “flower girl experience” you feel she is owed. Whether or not that’s how you feel, that’s how others seem to be perceiving your stance. I don’t know how your communicating the situation to others, so you may need to fix that. Do not wrap your attendance in an ultimatum or a threat or a demand, include my daughter or I won’t go. You simply must make your choice and accept it. You cannot leave your child unattended, and thus you cannot attend the wedding. Unfortunate. Regrettable. Congratulations and Best wishes to the couple. Looking forward to hearing about it/seeing the photos. And move on with your life. No mess, no drama.
As a side not, a support system of trustworthy help is not something that just happens to you. That imaginary village is something you build, brick by brick over the years. So I would start working on that if I were you, because right now it’s a party you can skip, but someday the situation might not be something you can opt out of, and you need to have supports in place, even backups in case your family is not there to be relied on. Because as this instance shows, you can’t always assume they will be available.