my sister (29f) is getting married next month and explicitly told our family that our younger brother (23m), who has nonverbal autism, isn’t invited because she “doesn’t want to deal with meltdowns or weird noises on her big day.”
i (26m) told her that’s absolutely disgusting and ableist. he’s family. he’s not violent. he doesn’t even require much support in public.
i said i wouldn’t come to a wedding that treats him like an embarrassment. my parents are trying to stay neutral but said they understand both sides.
now my sister is furious and saying i’m making her wedding “all about me” and ruining her dream day.
AITA?
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my sister (29f) is getting married next month and explicitly told our family that our younger brother (23m), who has nonverbal autism, isn’t invited because she “doesn’t want to deal with meltdowns or weird noises on her big day.”
i (26m) told her that’s absolutely disgusting and ableist. he’s family. he’s not violent. he doesn’t even require much support in public.
i said i wouldn’t come to a wedding that treats him like an embarrassment. my parents are trying to stay neutral but said they understand both sides.
now my sister is furious and saying i’m making her wedding “all about me” and ruining her dream day.
AITA?
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Action: I told my sister I wouldn’t attend her wedding because she excluded our autistic brother.
Why it might make me the asshole: She says I’m making her wedding about me and being unsupportive during a stressful time. From her perspective, maybe I should’ve just let it go to avoid adding drama or tension to her big day.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
As someone with autistic family members, you’re not the asshole but your sister is
Would he actually enjoy attending? You discuss your feelings but not his.
INFO
> he’s not violent. he doesn’t even require much support in public.
OK.
> she “doesn’t want to deal with meltdowns or weird noises on her big day.”
Well. Does that happen?
When someone has a child-free wedding it’s not making a judgment on children. It’s acknowledging the risk of noise at inappropriate times and avoiding it.
I’d say NTA, if there was a different, and valid, reason that she didn’t want to invite the brother that is one thing, but not wanting to deal with him is a totally different beast. It is her wedding so I’d say she has the right to not invite him, but I’d still call it pretty fucked up. I fail to see how not going to show support of your brother is trying to make it all about you but maybe I’m just ignorant.
YTA. your hearts in the right place but it’s her day. If he’s prone to meltdowns or making weird noises then yeah it’s reasonable to not want him there. It’s not his fault but it’s not hers either. She’s not being unreasonable for not wanting to worry about her brother making a scene or ruining her wedding.
INFO: What’s your brother’s level of functioning? Will he understand what the wedding is about? Will he need a full-time companion for the ceremony and reception? Is he likely to enjoy the event?
NTA, your sister is for sure. You should call the place she’s having a wedding reception and tell them, if it were me, I’d try to ruin her day, she doesn’t deserve it. If you choose to attend the wedding, you should be passive aggressive and handout hats to everyone that says I love autistic people.
NTA, your sister sucks, you and your brother should have a day out and spend it doing things you enjoy, let her have her wedding, and her photos to look back on where she excluded her family
INFO: with a mention of meltdowns and “weird noises”, can you explain how frequent those are and what the intensity of those events is like? Is there anything in particular that exacerbates those occurrences, like crowds or strangers or loud noises?
Info: is he at least invited to the reception or is he just straight up not included in any of the festivities?
INFO: has her life been negatively impacted by him?
Obviously he’s not doing anything intentionally to her, but siblings of disabled adults can feel neglected because of the attention required to raise their disabled family member.
If she wants just one day to be about her and the focus on her, I get it.
Plus, would he really care whether he comes or not?
NTA. You have every right not to go. It’s her wedding and she gets final say, but no wedding has mandatory attendance.
[removed]
I mean, people have child free weddings for those same reasons. I don’t know how your brother behaves, but situations like a wedding can be difficult for some with autism and not a fun time for them, and then not a fun time for others there. How does your brother behave in situations like this, enjoy situations like this?
INFO
I know several autistic adults spanning the range. My friend had her brother come for pictures but then he stayed in a room for the ceremony because he doesn’t like crowds and it would be sensory overload. Someone took him home and babysat him during the reception.
Would your brother be OK with the chaos of a wedding? Would he have a meltdown and disrupt the ceremony? I understand your POV and your sister could very well be an AH. But, I can also see how leaving your sibling out could benefit him.
Updateme
NTA, if the brother assaulted anything other than her senses occasionally, perhaps… But she should absolutely expect people bailing on her if she bails on family. I get excluding him from the wedding party and maybe asking for him to have some unique accommodations during the ceremony or something if it’s highly theatrical and being televised, I guess?
But just not inviting him? Monster. May as well deal with it now, as she will shit on him her whole life and it will continue to break your heart.
NTA thank you for being the sister he needs. Family is family and we don’t get to choose them. as a family with a disabled adult child we include him….but growing up many schoolmates did not. this was heartbreaking. People just want to be loved. This shows exactly what is important to each of you. NTA
INFO does your brother want to go? My autistic son hates big gatherings and would rather not have gone to the last family wedding I took him to. He was great on the day, but he would have been happier at home.
Tell her that is obviously all about her.
NTA. The my Dream Day makes her the AH. A wedding should mean that you are marrying your person all the rest the trappings is just noise. Also a wedding invitation is just that. It is not a summons. Spend the day with your brother doing stuff he enjoys
NTA, How would this mess up her special day to have 1 less sibling if she’s willing to exclude another sibling already due to their disability.
Some questions for you to consider: Has the eldest sibling (and girl) been parentified and/or forgotten in the wake of your brother’s diagnosis? I would be willing to bet that she got less of your parents than you and your brother did. Less attention and less time. More responsibility from a young age. This is so very common. Especially for girls who are often expected to be mature caregivers when there is a sibling with issues.
Do your parents have to assist your brother a lot in these social settings? Would they be looking after him instead of celebrating with your sister? The answer to these questions is serious and very real. Just because you don’t see it happening sometimes doesn’t mean there isn’t a level of split focus around your brother every day.
Now ask yourself if you have ever been in charge of caring for your brother in a social setting. If you want to your brother to be there, can you watch him and care for him fully?
Your sister deserves a single full day to be about her and her groom. If someone has to watch and care for your brother rather than celebrate her life, he does not need to be there. Because he will, unknowingly, take someone’s focus, time, and attention away from her. She has probably suffered more than you know.
YTA. She gets one wedding day to have her parents celebrate her without the split focus of caring for your brother.
NTA
>“doesn’t want to deal with meltdowns or weird noises on her big day.”
Come onnn can we please have some more details on the meltdowns and noises? Are we talking quiet whispers or full blown moose bellows?
NTA, but I may be biased bc I am a mother of the sweetest autistic 3 year old boy. I’m happy you stood your ground and you sound like a very good person. Your parents I’m a bit disappointed in, they should be speaking on behalf of your brother, literally. Shame on your sister. NTA, at all.
YTA, does your brother even want to go to the wedding? Most non verbal people with autism i know would get highly stressed in that scenario. If there will be frequent outbursts etc I don’t think it’s wrong of her to not want that as part of her wedding day. It doesn’t mean she’s ashamed of her brother or doesn’t want a relationship with him. You don’t have to go to the wedding if you don’t want to, like if you feel like his feelings will be hurt and you don’t want to be part of it. But don’t tell her she’s disgusting or ableist.
NTA. She can’t have it both ways — if it’s not important to have family members there, she can’t get mad if you refuse to go. Sorry, your wedding is NOT actually about you alone and that attitude really needs to die off. It’s literally about legally linking your family with another. Be a princess on your birthday or something.
NAH. the same reasons that people have childfree wedding apply here. Does your brother want to go? Would it disrupt his normal routine? Would he have a meltdown? Your sister has the right to have her wedding her way, you also have the right to not attend if your brother’s attendance is that important to you.
NTA. Thank you for supporting your brother. (Alternatively you could go and have a meltdown and make weird noises.)
NTA, your sister is very wrong and family should never be treated as an embarrassment.
Not you being the only one with a moral compass. Your sister invited everyone but her empathy. NTA.
No, but try to find a solution that would allow your brother to attend, if he wants to, without disrupting the bride and groom’s day.
If he does get overwhelmed by parties like this and meltdowns are a thing, she’s not the asshole for protecting her day and her brother from that. Is the kid himself even upset?
NTA…I have been to a wedding where the one of the groomsman was diagnosed with schizophrenia from a young age but was a cousin of the bride (close child hood playmates before falling ill/diagnosis)…they made it work by hiring extra care givers to help him that day and despite some issues it went great…honestly hate western wedding which turns into bridge pageant show instead of family celebrations
NTA. Your brother is an adult, not a child. I attended a rich people destination wedding in November and the bride included her non verbal brother in the ceremony, because she loves him & the things that are a part of him. The sounds he made did not ruin the wedding for anyone. No one was bothered, least of all the bride & groom, & her brother was visibly really happy to be included.
NTA
you are great. Spend the day with your sibling instead.
No one sucks here. You did not give enough info about your brother and what your sister has gone through in her life in dealing with having a sibling who is autistic. Does your brother act out and make noises at inappropriate times? Has your sister been pushed to the side as the need to care for your brother has taken precedence? Is your sister just embarrassed that she has an autistic brother? You need to provide a great deal more information.
I can only surmise, using the small amount of information you have provided, that your sister has probably felt pushed aside as the need to care for your brother has taken precedence over every aspect or every event of her life. She just wants one day that’s about her, focused on her, peaceful and easy, and where the attention is on her alone.
At the same time, I completely understand your feelings of wanting your brother included because he is an important and loved member of your family. I understand you not wanting to go because of him not being included.
This is a very difficult situation, and I honestly feel that without further information, no one is at fault here. Your sister should tell you she understands that you want to be with your brother that day and thank you for that, but you need to understand how she feels also.
NAH oof this is a hard one. I think the real question comes down to what your sisters relationship with your brother is like and how have things gone over the course of you all growing up.
For instance ive heard many stores on here about how parents and other family members can end up prioritizing children with special needs more and that breeds resentment in the other children.
Your sister may be feeling this way and might just be sick of it. For instance you are kinda playing into this by insisting he be invited.
Now is it good if you to stick up for him, sure but I think you might want to dive in a bit deeper.
At the end of the day she doesn’t have to invite him and you don’t have to go. But I’m guessing there is more to this story
YTA. Your brother deserves compassion but it sounds like your sister is accustomed to him disrupting events. Would he even enjoy being there? The way she expressed her opinion wasn’t great, but that doesn’t justify your holier-than-thou attitude.
I absolutely agree with your decision!! Im the mother of an autistic son and if he’s not included in something I DO NOT ATTEND NEITHER,,, I can’t imagine it coming from a sibling though!! My older 2 children absolutely include him in EVERYTHING and would do anything and everything for him… stand your ground your sisters dead wrong !! Spend that day with your brother if you’re able so he doesn’t feel the awful feeling of being left out!!! Autistic people might seem to not understand some things and they’re definitely not good at showing emotions.. but I promise they feel emotions probably deeper than non autistic people!! I commend you for standing up for him!!
YTA. Your making it all about you, Newsflash it’s not about you. It’s not your day, not your event, so it’s not your say in who can and can’t be there. If he’s prone to meltdowns in public and around people, he would be embarrassing himself. And if he’s that bad off around people and events, he’s better off staying at home. So if your so concerned, stay at home with him.
Your sister calls it a wedding, but it seems to be more about a movie, starring her, written by her, directed by her, and, of course, cast by her. Has she always been so self-centered? Or is this a new approach? You are NTA, but if your brother could speak, he would call her one. I would pity your parents if I didn’t suspect that they played some part in getting her to this point.
INFO: if your brother really does have meltdowns or make noises, your sister may not want to deal with that at her wedding. I hate to say it, but people have childfree weddings for similar reasons.
Then, consider brother’s wellbeing here. Are you volunteering to make sure your brother can navigate this big social event (which may be stressful for the sort of autism he has… non-verbal autistic people often have trouble with big gatherings)? Do you know what his triggers are and how to make him comfortable, and are you also volunteering to take him out of the wedding if he melts down and is stressed out? Is it actually kind to have him be invited, or will it be a challenge and hard situation for him if he attends? What about what’s good for your *brother*?
YTA. You haven’t provided enough context. What is his typical behavior in large settings? Can he go more than an hour without having a meltdown? Will your parents be able to enjoy themselves if they’re worried about him all day? Does he even want to go? In this context, you have to look at it from your sister’s perspective. She is not a villain and you are making her out to be one. She’s allowed to have one day where she’s not worried about anybody but herself that won’t happen if your brother is there it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him. It just means she needs the one day. Get over yourself and get off your high horse.
Sister is the A.
INFO: would attending the wedding be meaningful to your brother?
It’s not your business to force her to invite your brother. You can decline the invitation, that’s totally ok- but why do you force her to feel uncomfortable on her own wedding day.
I have an autistic and disabled aunt. I don’t invite her to gatherings cause she freaks the hell out of me. All others are fine with her, I’m really afraid. So I didn’t invite her to my wedding. My dad tried the same as you but I stand my ground. It’s so important to feel safe, comfortable and loved on the biggest day of her life.
So yeah, big YTA
YTA. No one wants there to be screaming during their vows. That’s why people have child free weddings.
YTA
the way you say he’s nonviolent but nothing else about how functioning he is makes me think he probably is prone to meltdowns and is very likely to interrupt the big day.
if he’s nonverbal, that probably means he has an AAC board. would he know not to speak during vows? would he mand for things at inappropriate times? would your parents have to leave the ceremony early to help him?
even beyond the ceremony, would your parents ever be able to leave his side to hug your sister and her new husband, do a father daughter dance, or toast to the new marriage?
i work with autistic kids and i understand the knee-jerk reaction to think your sister is being ableist. but i also work with families, and i know that neurotypical siblings often accidentally get left behind.
your sister deserves one day where that doesn’t happen.
I totally hear you on the ableism of her not including him at all on her day, OP. But I have to ask… Have you considered what might be best for your brother in this instance? If he is higher support needs, and doesn’t use any form of assistive communication, he may not be capable of advocating for his own desires here. I know many, many autistic people do not like to change their routines and patterns and hate being exposed to new environments with stressful stimuli (DJ, music, lights, etc) without adequate preparation. You have to think about what is actually best for your brother and his needs here. You can advocate for his inclusion in the wedding while also doing that, it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing kind of deal. Maybe this means that you all meet at your parents house for a photograph together before the ceremony, maybe this means he only attends part of the reception, etc.
NTA. She’s made a choice about how she wants her wedding to look and that’s well within her rights. You’re allowed to feel that it’s bullshit and to stay behind without her having a meltdown. Had she said “I’m sorry you feel that way, you’ll be missed” then this would be a different story. If she’s okay with your brother not attending, why is she not okay with you not attending? I think it’s more about her being called out on her ableist views, hence the hissy fit and foot stomping about her “dream day”. She’s free to have her views and plan her day around them, but the tantrum shows that she knows it’s wrong and she simply doesn’t care.
OP, enjoy the day with your brother. Do all of the things you both love to do. Take lots of pictures and post them publicly. Your sister gets her “dream day” and you & your brother get to make some awesome memories of your own.
NTA but meltdowns do happen. “Doesn’t need much support” means he requires some. People have childfree weddings all the time. It’s likely she has had most of her life overshadowed by his condition and his needs. She wants one day ONE DAY to be all about her. That’s not unreasonable. Please take a moment and see if from another perspective.
YTA, OP. She is entitled to have ONE DAY that is about her. People have child-free weddings for the exact reason she doesn’t want your brother there. While his age may say he’s an adult, it sounds as if his behavior is that of a small child.
Weddings are stressful for everyone—how do you know he won’t do exactly what she’s afraid of? It is unfamiliar, overstimulating with noises, a lot of people (many unfamiliar), an unfamiliar environment, and numerous other things that could lead to sensory overload.
Sis has probably taken a backseat to the brother’s needs his entire life. She was old enough to remember when he was born, OP is likely is not.
Read about glass children—the neurotypical siblings who are often shunted aside because the neurodivergent sibling always needs “more”.
Wait, your “parents are staying neutral?” How does your mother not get that your sister is treating her son like crap?!” First off, this makes me even more thankful for my own daughter bc like Mr. T, “I pitty the fool” who ever tries to hurt her non verbal autistic brother and she would NEVER dream of excluding him!!! Your sister is an awful sister and human being and so are your parents for not raising her better and for not standing up for their son. I’m so proud of you for standing up for your bro. God will reward you for that and I know your brother is very lucky to have at least one loving sister. God bless you!
You’re kinda both being assholes tbh. Guess it runs in the family?
I think one point would change my stance whether you’re the asshole or not. If your sister was gonna invite him would you be the one taking care of him? Or would you leave that all on your parents?
I don’t know your brother but i think you could seriously be underplaying how your brother is. Even your parents understand why your sister is concerned about him being there.
YTA-I am going to make a bunch of assumptions because you were really stingy with details. You should have added more if you wanted a better answer. You had 3000 words on this so don’t go over updating after the fact to make yourself look better.
I am betting that your sister being the oldest and your parents not being older had limited money the older she got. Then add a nonverbal autistic child then there goes all the attention and any extra funds to do anything. In her eyes she probably wanted more attention and to do other experiences and your brother costs you doing a lot of it.
You are probably blind to her issues because they weren’t a big deal to you. You all probably were only able to go places and do things that would accommodate your brother’s needs and not places or experiences that your sister wanted. Now she wants to be happy and probably doesn’t do many things that are inclusive to your brother. She most likely has some serious resentment that you are oblivious to.
If you don’t go then fine don’t but not going and ripping her about it over your brother is a dick move. She is probably getting it from her parents enough already and you are just piling on in a sick way instead of being polite about it. You are younger and probably didn’t see the issues that everyone else did.
You live your brother but honestly look back and think if you can remember how many times you all could not do things she wanted? Were her birthdays adjusted? Her milestones? Her ability to do activities? Family vacations? Canceling opportunities? Heck attention for doing anything? If you can’t remember anything but stuff with your brother than you are obviously so brainwashed that if I was your sister you wouldn’t be invited and neither would your parents. If you are so blind then why bother.
I suppose it would depend on the details of the brother’s behavior. You do make your sister sound like a fairly typical self-oriented Reddit poster from this subreddit. There is a big emphasis on weddings being ‘my special day’ as opposed to even ‘our special day’ or honoring parents and all that other stuff. None of us really get to own a day. God can own the day. But there are billions of other people experiencing that same day also, including your family
Some church buildings are set up with a nursery with a window or a cry room. If your brother is uncomfortable with sensory overload, there might be something that could reduce the chances of his making noise that would be more comfortable for him where he could still attend.
Would your brother understand that he was being left out, and would he care? If not, then there really shouldn’t be an issue if he’s excluded. Sounds like you’re offended in his behalf when he might not understand the situation, let along sit still and be quiet during it.
NAH. I love that you are standing up for your brother. But your sister has probably been parentified as others have commented. So yes it is ableist, but i think in this case it comes from wanting her fantasy wedding day that is just about her and not inherently wrong either. It’s a crap situation that her fantasy can’t happen without excluding your brother, but that also doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve that experience too.
NTA, you sister gets to decide the guest list for her wedding. You are not obligated to attend if you find that unacceptable.
Your sister is out of line to say you’re making her wedding day about you. Why? For advocating for your brother? i wouldn’t go. Your sister doesn’t have the right to demand you attend.
YTA. This sounds like a classic case of the only daughter/eldest daughter having to take over the brunt of work and basically become a 3rd parent for her little brothers that get babied by everyone else. 10x it if one of them is neurodivergent. There’s a LARGE chance you never had to lift a finger to support him in comparison to her.
It’s her big day and you’re ruining it with your selfishness and egoism. Of course she doesn’t want to deal with taking care of him again on her literal wedding day. Try thinking of someone else for a change and apologize.
YTA.
Aspie here. Have you considered that your brother might NOT want to attend the wedding because weddings are a social event that many autistic people dread and hate? He’s non-verbal, you know he’s going to have a hard time sitting through a loud and awfully boring wedding reception. I’m high-functioning and I’d struggle to behave. I know I have struggled to behave in the past.
It’s your sister’s big day. Your brother would be taking attention away from her if he was actually making weird noises and in danger of having a meltdown. He probably did this all his life when your sister was younger, which is probably why your sister is hell-bent on not having him at the event. You’re taking it out on your sister because she doesn’t want to make her day about him.
Not only are you ignoring your sister’s feelings, but you’re also ignoring your brother’s needs.
I recently attended a wedding where the bride’s special needs adult brother attended. He did indeed make a few noises during the ceremony, and at points was found sitting in the middle of the floor at the reception. Eventually he was moved to the children’s play area where he had a laptop with headphones that he used well. The few noises were not very disruptive, the parents didn’t focus on him over their daughter. All to say each situation is different and I don’t think I can advise. Except to say I personally wouldn’t exclude a family member, no matter the situation. But that’s just me.
UpDateMe
NTA. You write, ‘he doesn’t even require much support in public’. If she’s worried she could ask your parents to come up with a plan to help manage his vocalizations. Your brother is a part of your family, it would be cruel to not include him.
your parents the assholes not you.
This is your sister’s wedding and she decides who can attend. You are being petty by trying to punish her. YTA.
You honestly sound very selfish here by making this point all about how you feel, have you considered that a wedding maybe too much for your brother to deal with or how his behavior impacts others?
Every bride wants to have a stress free day where the attention is focused on them, this is why child free events have caught on so much it’s not just about excluding people with disabilities, it’s about trying to enjoy your own wedding which you have carefully planned and spent a small fortune on.
You say your brother isn’t violent but does have meltdowns so this maybe to much sensory overload for him making it a stressful situation for him and for your family who would be distracted tending to his needs instead of enjoying the day.
Info: be honest with yourself, how likely is your brother to cause a disturbance during the ceremony if given the chance to attend? Are there triggers to his meltdowns that might flair up with the music, decor, or releasing of doves?
If he has any chance to impact the ceremony then your sister is in her rights to ask him not to be present for that moment of her life and makes the hill you’re choosing to die on seem pretty small. If you pointed out that your sister excluding your brother constantly in your life then you’d have a case but saying she’s embarrassed of him is a deep fucking insult for wanting one day with all focus on them.
Nta good for you for standing up for your brother
NAH I don’t think many of the replies have experienced the outbursts some autistic persons have. Depending on the severity, his non-attendence could be the best thing.
Consider a live stream for him?
She is probably a supporter of this fascist regime that thinks Autism is worse than measles. So cut them
NTA. Just as your sister is free to exclude from her wedding whomever she wants for whatever reason, you are free to decline an invitation to her wedding.
Vocalization from autistic people can be quite loud and disruptive. If this is the case, and if he is not really aware of the event taking place, I suggest he be brought over to the reception for a time. Is OP willing to take responsibility for him during this event? Or the family can hire a support staff.
NTA
She invited, you declined. It isn’t a summons.
Your sister could pass it off if your autistic brother was the only family member missing. When most of your siblings aren’t at the event, it will cause a disturbance in the force at the wedding. She needs you there more than you realize, OP.
Info: I completely understand your point of view, I don’t think I could exclude family from my wedding.
That said I do wonder if he would enjoy attending. What are his meltdowns like? What usually triggers those? Who would look after him during those moments? Would a meltdown during the ceremony be a possibility and how much would it disturb the moment? How often has your sister taken the care for your brother on?
I ask because it might help me (and you) understand her side better. Doesn’t mean you have to agree, but it usually helps any discussion or disagreement to try and understand where the opposite side is coming from.
There is a reason people don’t want anything to disturb their ceremony. One of the reasons why there are so many childfree weddings as well.
I wouldn’t want one, but they have their reasons to have one.
If she were my bride-to-be, I would be reconsidering over this. Certainly shows her character
I have a lot of empathy for your sister. I wish she could see her way to fitting your autistic brother into her wedding plans – but I can also understand her wishes to not have him there.
Some of us can’t help but resent the presence of the sibling who always draws attention away from us – even on our most important days. You brother, with his serious handicap, has probably taken your parents away from your sister at her important life events like recitals, graduations, holidays and birthday parties. She has probably felt that repeatedly.
You have so much compassion for your younger brother. Why not use some of that same compassion when dealing with your sister? Show up for the wedding and let your sister have her day when she is the center of attention. By not attending you draw the attention to yourself.
NTA. Volunteer to be the caretaker of your brother if she invites him to the wedding. He knows you and you know what to do to help him.
Does anyone get the feeling the sister is scared she will be giving her vows and the brother would do something that would basically be a viral moment(not saying people would share online)?
While it does seem cruel to exclude her brother, I can also completely understand her not wanting distractions from the ceremony. It’s one thing to quiet a child down and another to have to give full attention to an adult because you HAVE to.
NTA, fair play to you for standing up for your bro. Imagine caring more about appearances than your sibling to that degree. You are being a decent person and sibling.
I think this is the opposite of “making it about you”. You making a point and sticking up for your brother. Good for you OP: NTA
Our friend was in a similar situation, he stayed home and watched the wedding through zoom.
NTA good for you for standing up for him. That’s f up
NTA. I can’t believe people are saying you are. He’s family. I have autistic cousins and we would NEVER exclude them. We understand the disability. If the bride can’t be understanding and is that selfish then I wouldn’t be attending either. Why do brides act this way? I can’t stand it
No. She can have her special day. You don’t have to be present. You are a guest. You can decline the invitation. Clearly she doesn’t want you there out of brotherly love. If that were the case, her love would extend to the other brother too. She’s afraid someone will ask why you’re not in there.
I’m not judging, just offering input.
My brother died before my wedding (unexpectedly of brain death after two sudden seizures). But we had planned for him not to be there.
Not because I didn’t want disruptions – god knows I was used to those and I felt anyone else who wasn’t could suck it – but because I knew my brother would not have fun, would not be comfortable, and would be the kind of disruptive that could literally put an elderly person in hospital.
He was a headbutter and a shover, and he did NOT like being that way. His cognitive disabilities, combined with some real heavy autism shit and ODD were the perfect storm for violent meltdowns. The last thing anyone needed was for him to get overwhelmed by too many people and too much perfume and haul off and really hurt someone.
He didn’t give a shit about weddings. He’d never been to one and didn’t understand them. He understood love very deeply; he was one of the purest people in the world, absolutely no homophobia or racism or misogyny about the dude, just love and good vibes.
But the plan was for him to spend my wedding day going swimming, eating tacos, and having a movie night at home with his bestie caregiver. I knew 100% that it was the right thing.
Think of your brother, OP. Think of his comfort and preference. Your sister doesn’t want distractions, and that’s legitimate, but think of it this way – he’d be making a distraction because of his distress. That’s not good. Let your sister and your brother have a good day.
YTA the day is her day. Not yours. Not his. Who wants someone who has meltdowns and makes random repetitive mouth noises at their wedding. Same thing as not wanting children. Disabilities don’t give you a free pass with behavior. Weddings are stimulating AF.
NTA
It tells you a lot about the character of bride/groom when they prioritize optics over including loved ones.
And even if it’s ’just the bride’, if the groom goes along with it, he’s just as culpable, and he’s in for a hell of a ride.
Well done on prioritizing the right thing and standing up for your brother. Boo also to your parents. This isn’t a son/daughter conflict; it’s a right vs wrong one. And no one should be neutral in that regard.
YTA. From what you write, it sounds as though he’d be likely to have a meltdown or otherwise disrupt things. Why would your sister want that? For that matter, would your brother even enjoy the wedding or would it just be overwhelming for him, making the meltdown all but inevitable?
It’s not your day. It’s not your brother’s day. It absolutely should not be about either of you. Don’t go if you don’t want to, but expect your sister to feel and act very differently about you going forward.
Assuming I will get downvoted for this but here goes:
NTA.
It kinda sucks that your sister’s “dream day” isn’t about celebrating with her family – it’s about pretending her family is different from reality.
Good on you for defending your brother.
But be aware that this sub tends not to be terribly sympathetic to autistic people in general, so you may not get too many people agreeing with you.
Your sister sounds hella ableist fr. it’s not “making it about u” just bec u won’t support her treating ur bro like he’s some kinda problem. he’s family, and weddings are supposed to be abt celebrating w the ppl u love, not picking who’s “aesthetically acceptable” to show up. it’s honestly heartbreaking she sees him like that. u did the right thing standing up for him, that’s real love.