My sister (30s) has been married to Nick (30s) for 6.5 years. Nick has an 11 year old daughter Abbie from his first marriage and my sister and Nick have two bio kids together. Nick shares custody of Abbie with his ex wife. For a while things were okay. Everyone in our family got along with Nick and adored Abbie.
Things changed when Abbie’s mom’s second marriage ended five years ago. After that the woman became a nightmare for my sister and Nick and she was doing her very best to turn Abbie against my sister and our family and later her younger siblings.
For over a year now they’ve had a problem with Abbie snooping in private areas for her mom and sending photos and giving info to her mom. Nick and my sister had to start locking their bedroom door during the daytime. They were locking up medications extra tight because even those Abbie’s mom wanted proof of. Abbie was doing the same snooping at other houses to like my parents, my other sister and my aunt’s houses.
Abbie’s whole personality around us has changed too. I know she’s at an age where that stuff happens anyway but she’s just so rude and around Nick’s family she hasn’t changed. She’s outright denying we’re her family now and she claims she’s an only child and she only has cousins from her mom and dad even though when she was younger she claimed my other siblings kids as cousins too. And I (20s) was the fun uncle but she doesn’t see me that way anymore. Not only the fun part but the uncle part too.
I’m not dealing with that alone and I’m certainly not watching an 11 year old like she’s 1 and ignoring the other kids because there’s a risk she’ll snoop around my house the second my back is turned.
This is something Nick has brought to court and I acknowledge that he’s trying. They have Abbie in therapy too and she’s faced consequences for snooping. But she gets encouraged by her mom, and rewarded for it, so why would she stop?
My sister wanted me to babysit the kids this weekend for several hours and I didn’t have plans but I said no. This weekend they have Abbie and I’m not doing that. My sister offered to let me stay at their house if that would work out better but I told her that would still mean having to deal with Abbie’s attitude/behavior. She understood but Nick didn’t and he told me giving up on Abbie won’t fix anything and that I’m going to make things worse.
AITA?
Comments
NTA.
At any moment it could escalate to Abbie making false claims against someone and it could ruin lives. It’s not a risk worth taking. No one in your family should be alone with her at any time.
You’re not giving up on her? You just don’t want to be stuck watching a rebellious pre-teen that’s being encouraged to start problems. You need to be very careful around her now, she could say things and make claims that could cause serious problems in your life. With her mom encouraging this behavior, it wouldn’t surprise me. Try not to be alone with her, watch out for yourself. Have your phone ready to record if you do get stuck alone with her.
Nick should just be grateful he’s not dead like half the other parents in your creative writing endeavors.
Any babysitting you decide to do is optional. You are allowed to define the terms.
Just be kind when explaining why you are avoiding being the only adult present when Abbie is there. NTA!
“giving up on abbie”? She’s nothing to you at best and and a malicious actor at worst. Get the mother to babysit or, if you do it, ask for hazard pay.
Babysitting for a siblings step children is stupid anyway. A complete stranger gets laid with another complete stranger and now they’re somehow entitled to your time?
It’s really reasonable to back away from a situation where someone’s behavior is so unpredictable and their parent seems more like a problem than a solution, NTA. How do you think the family can better protect themselves without putting everyone in harm’s way?
NTA, if Abbie’s mom gives her some ideas about how to act around people and what to say then she’ll be accusing said people of some horrible things, I agree with the dad, giving up on her won’t fix her but that his responsibility not yours, he’s the dad he should be working on fixing her, you have the right to stay away as long as it take for Abbie to see that her mom is actually ba
Abbie is being brainwashed by her mom! She is ate the age of she knows better, but she is doing what her mom tells her to do,, install baby cameras in the house!!! She is a sneaky one, will will have to watch from now on,,, It’s only doing to get worse!!!
Nta. Explain your worry about her ability to claim things that have never and would never happen falsely because her mom said to. Did the courts intervene because of the alienation that the mom has perpetraited? Because that is what Dad should be going after full custody with monitored visits for mom only.
NTA
What if God forbid Abby accused you of improper behavior towards her? If her mother is that manipulative it could be a possibility to ruin your sisters and the whole of your families lives.
NTA – abbie is one step away from making a false report
NTA, never be alone with this child. Her mother will stoop to any level to keep this campaign going. She is only one step away from false allegations. Protect yourself and tell your sister to do the same. All that child needs is a few self-inflicted bruises to falsely accuse your sister.
Hell no. Stay away from her and never be with her unsupervised.
NTA- she is his child, not your child. She is a problem child. That is not your problem
It’s not fair, sure, but life isn’t fair. Her behaviour is out of your league and you’re humble enough to admit it.
To be alone with her is asking for fake assault to be reported. You’re doing what’s best for you.
No way I would be watching that child as a female let alone a male she could accuse you of anything an end up causing major issues in your life her dad is delusional
NTA, it really isn’t Abbie’s fault at 11 since she is being manipulated by her mother, but that doesn’t negate how difficult it is to deal with her.
Tell Nick to find somewhere else for her, I wouldn’t want her around either, she’s liable to accuse you of some crap, and regardless of if it’s proven a lie, you’re life would forever be changed. I would not take the risk, plus- she’s not your concern! NTA
NTA keep yourself safe from Abbie’s mothers ideas.
NTA
You never know if mum has escalated things until Abby has made accusations. And Nick needs to realise Abby could make some very damaging accusations about him.
Nta abbie isn’t yours to “give up on” Nick and your sister are the ones who need to continue to do everything they can. You shouldn’t be the one who is having to deal with Abbie’s attitude. Your sister and BIL shouldn’t be allowing Abbie alone with other family members while this is going on incase her mothers manipulation is so strong
I would never be alone with her again. God knows what kind false allegations she could make that could ruin your life
NTA – man I hate to bring this up but what if Abbie were to make things up about you? That’s too much of a risk. It’s not giving up on Abbie, it’s about protecting your peace. It’s obvious parental alienation so it’s not his fault but it doesn’t change the circumstances
If you are male, her next step will be to call the authorities to allege you raped her. js
Protect yourself and never be alone w this child.
I would advise none of you be around her unless there are cameras recording everything. Everyone needs to cover their behinds around this girl to prevent their lives from being ruined. I can’t imagine why the mom’s husband left her. She seems like such a wonderful person.
NTA. It isn’t giving up, it is realizing this is not your expertise. This girl could claim molestation, or that someone did drugs in front of her, or was drunk, and ruin someone’s life. No one should be alone with her.
NTA.. Abbie is an obvious risk. If she can snoop and do her mother’s bidding, what’s going to stop her from fabricating claims against you through her mother’s influence?
I feel for Nick and your sister, but of all people Nick should understand why and refrain from pointing even the slightest finger at you in regards to “only make things worse.”
NTA
NTA
They can hire a babysitter and pay them.
NTA. You are not giving up on a child, you are protecting yourself. How long until she claims someone hit her or molested her. This needs to stop now and she is 11. She is old enough to understand no one wants her around because of her actions.
Maybe, your sister and her husband should be doing activities with the kids, instead of dumping them on babysitters.
NTA. It’s too dangerous for a man to be around an acting out girl of that age. She might make claims you did something inappropriate.
NTA.
Abbie is treading in dangerous territory and your BIL needs to realize that she could LITERALLY ruin lives if she escalates to lying about what she’s finding or what’s happening to her. Because that’s the next step.
It’s great that her dad is trying to help, but nothing is going to change unless her mother stops feeding into it.
Keep yourself safe. Your safety is more important than your BIL’s feelings about his daughter.
NTA What if her mom “encouraged” her to say you did something to her? This could potentially ruin your life, don’t take the risk and explain it that way to your sister and Nick
OP, stay strong and just say no. Don’t give in to emotional blackmail. Abby is a weapon being used by her mother and will likely stop at nothing to achieve her objectives. She will say or do anything. Never be in her company without another adult to witness the goings on. Good luck. NTA.
Tell him you are not giving up on her ,you are protecting yourself
Your entire family needs indoor cameras.
I wouldn’t go near a toxic like that. What if she decides to make a complaint against you?
NTA. Abbie is not your problem. Period
Yeah…drop out of this before she’s over, you correct her for snooping and the next thing you know cops are at your door for a SA charge….she’s at that age
NTA because she’s one accusation away from saying you did something to her. Immediate no.
NTA
” and he told me giving up on Abbie won’t fix anything ” … he is wrong. it fixes the problem FOR YOU. Which is a lot.
NTA. She is not your problem, she’s Nicks alone.
If I were your sister, I would not want her in my house if she still had contact with her mother.
How disgusting her mother is to weaponise her daughter like this.
I wouldn’t be alone with Abbie in any way even in other houses, her behaviour is extremely problematic, she could ruin lives with false claims.
I don’t think your BIL is taking this seriously enough and frankly neither is your sister.
Your sister needs to protect HER children. If Nick doesn’t sort it out and soon, I would be leaving him if I were your sister.
Her children are growing up in a household where half the time it’s toxic and in edge, that’s not healthy.
NTA. It isn’t your job to make things better or worse for Abby. That Nick’s, and good on him for trying.
Your refusal to watch her is just fallout from what’s going on. I don’t blame you at all.
NTA
It’s Nick’s job to “not give up” on her. It’s your job to protect your boundaries.
!updateme
No, no, no — YOU are not making things worse. This is not your circus. You are not responsible for the monkeys.
Stay out and protect yourself.
NTA, I don’t blame you. Nick is going to have to understand that people aren’t going to help much until his daughter changes which I hate to say this won’t happen for a while if ever.
I hope you have cameras in your house because I wouldn’t want to be left alone with her. Her mom needs serious help.
You’re NTA but your sister and brother still deserve support. This sounds incredibly stressful for them. If someone else watches Abbie can you take the younger kids… is there another family member that can come too?
It’s not Abbie’s fault she’s being played this way and it’s definitely not your sister’s. Have parented troubled kids (relatives) and it sucks. But don’t put yourself at risk either.
NTA. You’re much better off not having to deal with an 11 year old girl going through puberty, who’s being manipulated by her mom and still dealing with the split. Especially since the ex still is
In the relationship.
So why don’t you take a break from the family, say until she gets 16. By then that should’ve passed.
It’s her issues that her parents have put on her. Not your responsibility to help this young girl out from the manipulation and trauma they’re putting her through. For many tears to come.
But I get it. YOLO. Do you first.
Why are they farming Abbie out when he’s got her for the weekend?
NTA. Best to just stay away from that situation. Is her mom is as vindictive as she sounds, one false accusation against you for god knows what could ruin your life. Just stay away.
Be very, very careful about allegations that could be brought against you. Don’t be alone with her
So sad how parents can ruin a child. That’s what the mom has done to her daughter.
As the uncle I would stay as far from her as possible – and I certainly wouldn’t be alone in a house with her
NTA. I don’t blame you. Nick needs to take his b***h of an ex back to court about this again and as many times as it takes.
Abbie is not your problem. That responsibility belongs to her biological parents. If they can’t get her to behave, the consequences are that no one wants to be around her.
Stay firm. Adding her chaos to your life isn’t helping Abbie.
NTA the way Abbies mom is influencing her behavior is ridiculous. It isnt nick and the familys fault that her marriage ended. If OP were to babysit the mom could influence Abbie to say OP touched her and that is so dangerous. If OP were to watch the kids I would say set up cameras in the main spaces like hallway, living/dining rooms, and the kitchen, lock any bedrooms leaving only the main spaces and bathroom open that way if she were to claim anything then they’d have the video to say no I was here while she was there.
NTA- And I fully believe that any parent who creates alienation and loyalty conflicts for their child is going to hell. This is on Abbie’s mother, not on you.
She’s being manipulated and alienated from your family by her mother, which can only be countered by showing her that you’re good people. If they’ve got custody of her this weekend, why are they going out without her? Not the greatest way to help her to feel part of the family, is it?
“Giving up on Abbie won’t fix anything.”
NTA- SA allegations will ruin your life. Stay away from that child at all costs. You can watch the others, but she needs to understand that she is not playing a game with her mother. That her actions and attitude come with a cost.
I suppose the (very sad) question that needs to be asked is this:
You’ve mentioned all the work being done to try and stop her from behaving this way, but do any of you know what kind of consequences and punishment would be/are being inflicted on the child by her mother if she does actually stop?
That is the real issue — what the mother is doing to her child and how it’s going to keep escalating until something terrible happens or the mother is stopped.
There is nothing you can do except protect yourself. You’re not giving up, you’re setting a boundary. It’s not your job to either work with or give up on the girl. Protecting and saving the child is up to Nick, the courts, the therapists and any child services involvement that’s brought into play.
NTA.
You need to tell your sister “I am not risking Abbie accusing me of sexually assaulting her. This not negotiable”
Because mark my word, she will at some point make remarks that could be interpreted as you being inappropriate with her
Years ago, an ex of mine was a teacher for students with behavioural problems, and one of his students (grade 2 or 3) informed him that her mother told her to say “he touched me” if he tried to stop for doing something she shouldn’t.
Don’t risk your life over that child. It’s not worth it
Nta you turn around and tell Nick, that you’re not prepared to have some horrible lies told about you and that’s honestly where you are Abbie heading, so you’re not going to put yourself in a situation that makes that possible. Also Abbie needs to realise people aren’t going to stick around for abhorrent behaviour and she needs to be told that. OP won’t sit for you because he doesn’t trust you.
Nta. This girl sounds like the type to make up false allegations that could ruin lives. Never be alone with her.
NTA, you didn’t sign up for drama, pure and simple.
Absolutely not! They need to hire a babysitter
This is not your monkey, not your circus and you’re definitely not the ringmaster step away.
that child is not your responsibility so do not get involved. This can ruin your life forever. NTA!
This is on the shoulders of your brother-in-law and no one else.
To protect yourself, you should never be alone with Abbie. If she made false accusations against you, it could destroy your life. You need to share that concern with your sister and her husband so they understand why. Actually, they should be careful themselves. What a sad situation and what kind of life does Abbie have to look forward to?
u/bot-sleuth-bot
Pretty sure this is called parental alienation syndrome. As Abbie grows up she will likely turn on her mother. Many of my fellow stepmothers experienced this and it always resulted in the child turning against the parent who was trying to destroy the other parent.
Very sad and very damaging. I feel sorry for Abbie.
I think you all should stay away from that little monster it’s not worth the risk.NTA
Huge YTA if you but yourself in jeopardy because of nick gaslighting you. While it might not be all babies fault she could get you in a lot of trouble. This whole situation is horrible but a false allegation can ruin your life
NTA – one false accusation from this child could ruin your life forever. If her mother is as vindictive as described, then it’s something she could possibly try to make your brother-in-law lose custody of his child. I would stay as far away from her as possible.
Nick is a huge AH for putting this on you. You babysitting won’t fix anything either.
Why wouldn’t they take her phone when they have her? If anything needs to be communicated with mom, it can be done through theirs? I’m surprised her evidence in court isn’t enough to give dad full custody. Manipulation is a huge deal in these cases.
NTA, your sister’s stepdaughter is a danger, the mother is managing to divide your sister’s blended family, she is a danger to everyone, talk to your sister seriously, as this can end badly if not addressed in time.
I understand your reluctance to be around this child. And what mom is doing to the child is not right.
NTA
You can choose not to completely give up on Abbie while also choosing to stay safe. It seems like Abbie’s mom has Abbie looking for evidence to use in a custody battle, and if she doesn’t get real evidence, she might start encouraging Abbie to manufacture some through false accusations. You should avoid being the only adult present when she’s around until this issue is resolved.
NTA. What happens if Abbie says you did inappropriate things to her? Because this could very much happen. Your sister should probably have a couple of cameras in her house, just in case Abbie starts telling lies that could ruin her life. They could record Abbie snooping too.
NTA. It’s Nick’s responsibility to deal with Abbie, not yours. Tell him that when she can behave, be polite and stay out of people’s personal stuff you’ll consider it.