I (29F) have been friends with “Lila” (30F) since college. She has a 4-year-old daughter, and over the past year, I’ve helped out a lot — babysitting so she can work late or go on dates. I’ve never asked for money; I just wanted to support her.
Last weekend, she asked me to watch her daughter “just for a few hours.” I agreed. But instead of a few hours, she didn’t come back until 2 a.m. and didn’t even answer her phone. I later found out she had gone out drinking with friends.
I told her the next day that I felt taken advantage of and wouldn’t be babysitting anymore unless it was an actual emergency. She called me selfish and said I don’t understand how hard single motherhood is.
Now some mutual friends are saying I was too harsh. So, AITA for refusing to babysit her child anymore?
Comments
NTA. Obviously she doesn’t consider you a friend enough to be the one she’s out drinking with.
NTA at all
The mutual friends who think you are being harsh…. “Thank you, John Doe, for volunteering to babysit”
She’s about to realize how much harder it is as a single mother when you don’t get free childcare either. NTA
NTA. Ask the mutual friends to step in and babysit.
NTA – It does seem a bit of a sudden decision, unless you were feeling taken advantage of before last weekend. But, its a valid decision.
“You’re right. I don’t know what being a single mother is like. And I don’t plan on finding out with someone else’s child.”
NTA- you’re being taken advantage of. You’re completely justified in feeling the way you feel and for standing your ground. Frankly she owes you an apology for calling you selfish.
I feel like I see so many of these posts. NTA, nobody is obligated to babysit anyone else’s child.
I love it when people say you don’t understand how difficult being a mother is ….
I think we could all say the same thing:
You don’t realize how difficult it is to get up and go to work every day …. You should do my job for me.
You don’t realize how difficult it is to pay bills every month ….. You should pay my mortgage.
You don’t realize how difficult going to college is, you should take my classes for me.
Poor me, I chose to have a child and now I want to behave as if I don’t have one and expect everybody else to step up and make my life easier.
Don’t let her manipulate you. NTA
“unless it was an emergency” are you serious? She will just invent the next “emergency” to dump her child onto you again!
Calling you “selfish” for setting boundaries cancelled any further offer!
Don’t under any pretence babysit for her anymore! You are being taken advantage of the entire time and come to realize this only now?
And YOU let HER, someone who dumps the consequence of HER decision to have a child onto others, call YOU selfish?
What does it take for you to comprehend that the lady is no friend of yours but a mooching user?!
Dump her, change friendcircle. They scold you because they don’t want to be the next to be voluntold to babysit. Open your eyes!
Otherwise: NTAH. No good deed goes unpunished. Which is why we DO NOT even START giving onesided favors to mooches.
Fakery
nta she is just taking advantage of you now upset the free babysitter is tired of being a door mat , if she was a real friend she would treat you as one not just a babysitter all day and night so she can have her fun while you are at home watching there kid for free. i would not babysit for her anymore including emergencies and distance myself from them find friends who treat you like friends not who lashout when you are tired of being taken advantage of
Let your mutual friends start spending their weekend nights watching her kid til 2am.
Good for you for laying out your limits. She was irresponsible and should have acknowledged that and not tried to guilt trip you.
So many stories like this.. hard to determine what’s true
NTA. I think your friend is immature and ungrateful. She has taken advantage of you for awhile as she likes the free babysitting. I’d refuse, too. I don’t mean to be cold, but it’s not your responsibility to make her life easier.
Let the friends babysit for her when she stays out all night drinking.
NTA I wouldn’t even babysit on an emergency, being kind doesn’t meant that people can take advantage of you.
I absolutely agree that single mothers do experience tough battles, but she burned a bridge by choosing to go drink and come back at 2 am
NTA Kinda ballsy for someone who left their kid until 2 am to call you selfish.
Nta. You are not responsible for her situation or child care. She took advantage and took it too far.
If the mutual friends think “you’re too harsh” tell them they can babysit…I’m assuming you don’t have children and you shouldn’t have to be raising her kid because she wants to live her life as if it doesn’t exist. Maybe you don’t understand how hard single parenthood is…and that’s not your burden to bear. You’ve been helpful and supportive but there’s a difference in doing that and being a doormat.
She’s relying on you too heavily. When you have a kid that kid becomes your life. Yes being a single mom is hard, but literally disappearing on you is literally the worst and she doesn’t deserve to complain.
At minimum, your friend should specify the time-frame you’re expected to watch her daughter, especially so you know if you should put her to bed or keep her awake if she’s expected to pick her up. If you’re waiting until 2am without word from her, that cuts into your sleep and for many people would be also cause to start calling around or notify the police thinking she was in an accident or the hospital or any other number of bad situations.
Accidents happen. She might have been drinking and not ready to drive, or had an unexpected hook-up (no shame.) I’d express to her that you’d just really appreciate knowing the expected timeframe in advance, and if anything changes to call or text you so you know she’s going to be late and you don’t need to worry anything bad has happened. If you relent and decide to babysit again, express your wishes as concern for both her and her daughter.
If she were really your friend, she’d have paid a babysitter and taken you out with her.
Look at all those friends who just volunteered to babysit. NTA. no one likes to have their generosity abused. She knew what she was doing and didn’t think you would fight back.
You posted this somewhere else already and got a ton of answers.
I had some sympathy with the best friend, until you said she did not answer her phone.
That is the point I don’t babysit ever again. NTA
Nta, she could’ve asked you if her daughter could spend the night if she needed time to de-stress and have fun for one night. The lack of communication for telling you the real reason is why you feel taken advantage of. Now you’re probably wondering about all the other times you babysat for her and if she was actually working late or going on dates.
NTA I would tell the friends she left the kid and didn’t answer the phone she is lucky you didn’t call the police on her
NTA. She’s gonna find out how much tougher motherhood is after screwing over your friends.
NTA. She lied to you about it. She said a few hours, yet she was gone for most of the day. What if you had plans that day? Tell those mutuals that THEY can babysit her kid.
NTA by a mile!
Absolutely not, as someone who doesn’t have anyone like this to trust, you are a true gem! She’s lucky you said emergency only! A person like you does not deserve this kind of treatment.
Nta.
Not your child not your responsibility
When she chose to have a child, her party hardy all the time days were over.
Let them Babysit for free see how long it lasts!
NTA tell the mutual they are more than welcome to babysit for free.
lmao I’d never be this entitled with my own FAMILY, let alone a friend.
NTA. If the “mutual friends “ are so concerned about “Lila’s “ needs, then they should take turns helping her out,rather than slamming you for being willing to set boundaries.
I read almost this same thing a few days ago. Bot?
NTAH. Ignore the mutual friends comments as they weren’t the ones inconvenienced. Yeah, you were definitely taken advantage of and I don’t blame you at all for feeling salty about it. Explain to her your mutuals don’t seem to have a problem with her behavior so obviously they should be her new go-to peeps for fun-time babysitting hereafter.
Well those friends can babysit!
Worst part is that I actually think that had she been honest with you, you would have understood her and watched her child anyways
NTA.
I do know what being a single mother is like. I know you don’t take advantage of your friends kindness and support. I also know your child should come first.
The mom is the AH.
Good for you for standing up to her. You can’t be a door mat when you stand up for yourself.
NTA
She took advantage. Make her earn your trust back.
A couple of hours once in a while? Sure. Leaving you hanging till 2 a.m. and avoiding contact? No way. That would be the end of it for me. What if something had happened to the kid and mom didn’t answer?
Have the other friends who said you were harsh babysit for free, because being a single mother (soooo hard) has to go out boozing, instead of being a parent.
Single mom here 👋
I haven’t been out on a date since their dad and I split, and we’re talking 9+ years
Also NTAH
I would have called the cops. You didn’t know what happened to her because she lied about the time and never answered her cell ,anything could have happened ,will some many going in world who knows
NTA. It does sound like she’s taking advantage and it’s more than generous to still offer to help during emergencies.
Ultimately not your kid not your problem.
NTA for not wanting to be a doormat
NTA. She’s a lying, selfish loser!
Have the mutual friends babysitter from now on. No one forced her to choose the life of a single Mom. That was a choice she made.
If you want to avoid the drama in the future, just be busy. She has some nerve not answering the phone when a babysitter calls.
That, and the lies alone would be the end of the sitting, for me. NTA
nta
>She called me selfish and said I don’t understand how hard single motherhood is.
You didn’t put her in that situation. NTA.
Who are these idiot friends who are saying you were too harsh? Haul the kid on over to those houses.
You’re friends believe it’s reasonable that she should tell you she’ll be back around 8 or 9 and then stay out until 2 am and not answer her phone in-between time? They believe it’s reasonable for her to drop her children off and then have no contact with you until whenever she feels like coming to collect them? It sounds unreasonable to me
People that take advantage of others always call you selfish once you start setting boundaries. Stick to what you’ve said and don’t be a doormat
NTA, I have a bestfriend who I sometimes help by watching her toddlers for a bit. She would never have me watch her kids so she could go hangout with other friends. That’s absurd.
NTA. Tell those mutual friends it’s their turn to take up her slack.
NTA. You have your own life to live. You were babysitting her daughter out of the goodness of your heart, and she took advantage of you.
Tell the other friends it’s time for them to step up.
NTA, she could have just told the truth and kept in contact
She clearly doesn’t understand how hard single motherhood either if she dips out and doesn’t answer her phone.
Nta
The fact she didn’t answer when you called…when it could have been an emergency….would be enough for me to never watch her kids again.
Actions have consequences.
She’s abusing your friendship..she didn’t ask she assumed that you’d be ok with it.. if she could afford a night out then she could of afforded to show a token of appreciation towards you for all your help..
If she’s complaining about how hard it is being a single mother.. you have the right to complain about being the lacky of a single mother
Edit : NTA .I would have contacted the police when she didn’t answer or show up when she was suppose too and tell them you can’t get ahold of her. She should be happy there was no emergency. Let her deal with the prize she would earned
Anyone sayin that can watch the kid
NtA. She’s lucky you didn’t call the cops. She could’ve been dead in a ditch instead of just abandoning her child.
Sounds like those other friends just volunteered to babysit.
a yeah is very hard to be irresponsible mother that likes to party
Your life choices are not my life choices. Done.
NTA. She can hire a babysitter. Once I was doing a favor by babysitting and be of the kids had a fever of 104. I called the Mom to let her know her kid was sick and she said just give her some Tylenol. It didn’t work. I ended up on the phone with her primary care doc, with whom my family happens to be friendly, following his instructions because the Mom did not come back until the next morning. I had to miss a day of school because I’d been up all night with a toddler. My parents told me I was not allowed to sit for her again and that if she asked why they would be happy to explain it.
NTA. Maybe now she will begin to realize that parenthood means you can’t just go out and party whenever you want. parents have responsibilities that they can’t just push off on to others. you are not the AH, she is simply immature and needs to grow up.
2 hrs to 2am. No wonder she’s a single mother.
Tell tge mutual friends you’ll let her know she can use them next time
Ive gotten into the same mess with one of my ex DIL. I think the missing piece is to put an end date on the free babysitting. At that point mom could decide how much she would be going out if she were to pay for the sitter. A four year old is not a baby and there maybe is a relationship with father or a grandparent. However, it needs to be settled amicably do the child doesn’t feel seen as the problem.
She used you, you set some boundaries. NTA
“She called me selfish and said I don’t understand how hard single motherhood is” Tell her you do understand and that is why you don’t have a kid.
OP, she can try to guilt you, that’s up to you to allow that. But I’m sure that none of those drinking buddies are standing in line to do any of the babysitting are they?
So for me, I would limit helping to true emergencies for work. Dates and drinking with friends aren’t emergencies.