My sister is in her thirties. She’s the baby of the family and was terribly spoiled by our parents (now passed away). Always bailed out. Struggles with adulting. Neurodivergent with depression (me too). Has a job.
She’s worked herself into a financial corner. She’s made a GFM because she is short on rent due to medical bills and poor planning. She’s not on her meds or seeing a therapist due to funds. Property management raised rent and have made it challenging for her to find a roommate. She says she’s on a strict budget (no eating out, etc). Doesn’t have a credit card. Didn’t realize she could do a payment plan and instead fully paid off medical bills, but now doesn’t have enough for rent.
The thing is – none of this is out of the blue. She’s needed a roommate financially for years but didn’t clean things up enough to get one for the longest time. She’s gotten inheritance and was able to use that to pay off debts … not sure where the rest went or why she hasn’t be able to save anything. She refuses to get a credit card because she doesn’t want to get into that hole. Sound financial decision if she truly can’t handle it.
She is going to have to make some hard decisions, that may involve taking a lease break penalty, moving out and in with a guy friend, getting rid of a lot of things, etc. … my husband suggested being okay helping with medical (meds, therapy) but otherwise no. We’re struggling too. And at some point you have to use your own bootstraps. AITA for sharing in our sibling chat (excluding her) our reasoning – that she’s an adult, we can’t help, we’ll do “x” but she’s on her own and may need to make some harsh, uncomfortable decisions (like move in with the friend).
EDIT: Earlier use of the word “Advocating” was be the wrong word here. I have used the group chat (started by another sibling) to basically explain why I won’t be helping financially (e.g., she’s an adult, she got herself here, there is an option – she won’t be homeless – it won’t be without sacrifice, but again she’s not gonna be homeless) but would be open to helping contribute towards medical assistance (therapy/meds). One sibling has asked if an intervention is needed. Another sibling has let her live with them before while paying off debts and insinuated that maybe it’s time for one of us to take a turn at that … but none of us live nearby, so it’d be the loss of a job for her to move in with any of us, she’s had a hard time finding a second job – so if she quits the job she has she would lose health insurance and potentially be unable to find any job, she’s also not clean … so allowing her to move in isn’t really an option. I’ve offered to help clean, pack, sort, move for a day or make her some meals. But we’re in a tight financial pinch and don’t have funds to spare – we’re using credit cards to get bills paid each month. I offered to hold a credit card for her – basically approve purchases, but she said she memorizes the number. I’m just not sure what can be done.
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My sister is in her thirties. She’s the baby of the family and was terribly spoiled by our parents (now passed away). Always bailed out. Struggles with adulting. Neurodivergent with depression (me too). Has a job.
She’s worked herself into a financial corner. She’s made a GFM because she is short on rent due to medical bills and poor planning. She’s not on her meds or seeing a therapist due to funds. Property management raised rent and have made it challenging for her to find a roommate. She says she’s on a strict budget (no eating out, etc). Doesn’t have a credit card. Didn’t realize she could do a payment plan and paid off medical bills, now doesn’t have enough for rent.
The thing is – none of this is out of the blue. She’s needed a roommate financially for years but didn’t clean things up enough to get one for the longest time. She’s gotten inheritance and was able to use that to pay of debts … not sure where the rest went or why she hasn’t be able to save anything. She refuses to get a credit card because she doesn’t want to get into that hole. Claims she didn’t think about doing a payment plan for the medical expenses.
AITA for advocating in our sibling chat (without her) that we need to let her fail? That she is going to have to make some hard decisions, that may involve taking a lease break penalty, moving out and in with a guy friend, getting rid of a lot of things, etc. … my husband suggested being okay helping with medical (meds, therapy) but otherwise no. We’re struggling too. And at some point you have to use your own bootstraps.
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> AITA for refusing to financially bail out my sister (and advocating in a sibling chat that our siblings don’t bail her out either), because she’s got to grow up and be responsible for her own consequences.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
> advocating in our sibling chat (without her)
Actually; yeah, that is YTA.
You can say you can’t help her. You can say No. No is a complete sentence. That’s perfectly fine.
But you’re not asking if you can say no. You’re asking about trying to tell other people what to do. You’re looking to create drama and trying to make your siblings Pick Sides, just because you’re jealous of the support she got.
There are no sides. This isn’t ‘they help her or they help me’. Your siblings are all adults, all capable of their own decisions, and what they decide to do isn’t your business in the first place.
Just say no. And then leave it alone. Quit trying to encourage other people to pick up pitchforks for your witch-hunt.
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This a hard one. I always advocate for helping family/friends when you can and I understand being frustrated with her but just straight up letting her fail is quite harsh. I agree with ur husband on the take to maybe help her get on her meds again and therapy. I believe that would also probably help her immensely with making better decisions. I also think at the end of the day she does need to learn but the way you’re thinking about it does kinda make you the Asshole.
You can do what you like with your income(s), obviously, but you can’t control your siblings’ actions. I think if your message to the group had been an explanation of your decision, and the steps you took to arrive at that decision, then you wouldn’t be an AH.
Taking things to the point where you advocate for your sister’s failure (which is what you are arguing in favour of) gets you into YTA territory.
I think you could help her by connecting her to social services or other community supports that could potentially help her, mental health supports, subsidized healthcare, etc. but just giving her money is not really helping her and yes, maybe she needs to fail to realize she needs to make changes. This being said, I live in Canada and we have an abundance of these social services available.
So she paid for her medical expenses and cant afford rent and you want her to be homeless so she can learn a lesson? YTA. Not only you dont help a sibling with medical issues but you are also trying to stop others from helping. Double YTA
I have mixed feelings on this. NTA for not wanting to assist your sister financially given her track record. And I also think it’s ok if you want to explain your reasoning to your other siblings. But YTA if you actively campaign against other people assisting her.
YTA. You’re trying to punish someone who is financially responsible enough to know she can’t handle a credit card.
Paying her medical bills and not having enough money for rent. I’m sorry that your sister lives in a 3rd world and that she has a shitty sibling like you who tries to prevent others from helping her. YTA.
Also, in what backward ass world do you live in where “letting her fail” would be beneficial to her? Are you too sheltered to realize that her “failing” is going to kill her credit and make it damn near impossible to rent anywhere due to having an eviction on her record. Then where will she live because it sure as shit doesn’t sound like you’re going to open your home to her.
YTA.
You’re entitled to keep your money to yourself and you don’t have to give any to her at all.
But advocating that no one helps her because you want to see her fall on her face is not exactly the kindest thing to do and if she’s having health issues, particularly mental health issues as you allude to, it’s only going to make them worse.
Up to you at the end of the day but you are your brother’s keeper.
INFO how much was the inheritance and did any of that go to her medical bills? And what is her situation that she has a lot of medical expenses? Does she not have insurance? I think it’s time for a chat more than just a decision to not help.
NTA for refusing to help your sister, YTA for advocating the others to refuse as well.
As much as I can absolutely see her perspective and struggle, the sad reality is that it is not your responsibility to financially support her. You have no obligation to give her money, especially when you’re barely getting by yourself. But if you wanted to, much like how your siblings might want to, then you are allowed to help however you’re able to. By advocating the others to let her fail, you’re setting her up for failure, and that’s not great.
YTA. Especially for trying to convince others to not help. You cannot help, if that’s your choice. No judgement there. You do not get to influence what others choose to do. That’s their choice to make on their own. There’s some of this post I actually agree. Literally the smartest thing she’s done is to refuse to get a cc. She’s in the hole with so many other things, adding another will only make the others deeper. Not sure why you’re judging that. As for the rest? Actually, I think it makes sense she wasn’t aware payment plans for her medical bills was an option. They don’t exactly a advertise that shit. She probably missed it in the fine print, which, again pretty reasonable. She’s having a hard time finding a roommate because she can’t clean up. Well, you also mentioned she’s off her meds. Uncleaniness, especially with ND people is often a symptom of them being overwhelmed with life and from what you described, she’s beyond that point. I agree she should learn to help herself. And, your parents coddling probably prevented her from ever learning how. So. What should happen? I think she needs some help. But, not for free. Instead, I think you should be asking your siblings to collectively help her learn to help herself. You all can start by taking certain bills off her plate. Help her clean her apartment. But, make it clear this is a one time deal. Look up adult advocacy groups and say “hey, we’re all willing to help you, but you have to put the work in too. Here’s some groups that will help you. If you sign up and attend some meetings, and show proof, we’ll help.”
You don’t have to bail her out and youre not the AH for not helping her but YTA for trying to get others to let her fail. She’s obvously failed a few times but hasn’t learned anything.
Is there a way someone can help her by connecting her with a financial planner so she understands he finances herself? Like, ‘we’ll help you out but only if you meet with this person who’ll help you understandfinances.’ It sounds like she genuinely never learned how finances work and if she was the baby and spoiled a lot, she was probably shielded from learning those financial skills.
Like others have said, you’re not obligated to give her money, but it would be kind to help her get the tools to figure out her finances. After that, if she doesn’t accept the offer or does but ends up needing to be bailed out because of poor financial management, there would be no question on what you should do.
ESH. OP’s sister obviously has made some very poor decisions. OP and her husband may not choose to assist her anymore, but I think it’s overstepping to tell other sibs to cut her off. If OP really wants to help her sister, I suggest she try to connect her to a financial counseling service. A counselor could offer her some solid suggestions, minus the emotional baggage or judgment coming from OP.
You are NTA. You are trying to find the best way to help your sister. Sometimes a dose of hard reality is useful. It sounds as if you are not wanting her to become homeless, but you are thinking she isn’t learning from being bailed out. As the mother of a neurodivergent adult whose choices are not always sensible, I understand what a difficult position you are in.
My nearly middle—aged child—with autism and other diagnoses—shops at a more expensive store because she thought a worker at the inexpensive grocery looked at her as if they thought she might be a shoplifter years ago. Refuses to apply for food stamps because it is beneath her (tho she is eligible). Refuses to apply for government subsidized housing because she has planned for years to get a good job with benefits.
I am her only fallback plan and I finally stopped paying for car repair and groceries. Reality is beginning to sink in. She is unwilling to acknowledge her own limitations. Which would be admirable if she were doing something to overcome them.
Any help you give your sister should be matched by her own plan to dig herself out of the hole she is in. Otherwise you will just be enabling her.
No. NTA. My dad always told me to never let people borrow money from me unless I wouldn’t expect it back. Especially to family.
This sounds really tough. You obviously care a lot & are trying to help. You’re not in a position to bail her out since you don’t have the funds, and it sounds like she should have gotten a roommate years ago. You’re not obligated to take her in & then she’d be out of a job anyway. It sounds like you’ve offered her a lot of nonfinancial help with this crisis of hers.
It sounds like she needs to move in with the guy roommate and accept that she’ll have a longer commute and have to get rid of some stuff. If she can sell some things she needs to get rid of, maybe she can have some towards the lease penalty & she can borrow or use Go Fund Me for the rest. Maybe at that point you & your siblings can each pitch in $100 to help (which would be super generous of you since you’d have to put it on a credit card)–I would just be careful not to enable her. Regardless, she’s employed & will not be homeless.
NTA.
You don’t owe her anything and have no obligation to help. However, if she’s struggling that much, pressure from financial struggles will keep her unwell and unable to get back on her feet most likely. If you were in a situation to help, obv lovely to do that, and you could set up a loan agreement for repayment when she can if it helped you feel OK with the idea. But you’re struggling too, so no pressure and NAH.
Living with the guy friend could help her but will it be safe and secure? “Not homeless” is a pretty low bar to find acceptable for someone you care about. It’d be cool if you can find a way even with the other siblings to help out, could be conditional, but there’s no requirement to do so of course.
Edit: there’s no requirement for any adult to financially support another adult but whether it’s family, friends, etc, we can choose to take a community support and be generous. It’s not compulsory but it is kind, and for each of us to find the right balance of “mine” vs “ours”, “me” vs “us”.