I’m (15f) the oldest of three girls (13f+10f) and my whole life I have been looking after my sisters when my parents were busy.
My parents have a toxic marriage; my mum is a narcissist and alcoholic who spontaneously goes to friends houses in the middle of the night to drink herself silly and my dad is a weak man who’s being manipulated by her, so whenever he stands up for himself, he apologises in the next ten minutes.
Over the years I’ve gotten increasingly exhausted with their nonsense; protecting my sisters whilst they argue, being a personal therapist for my dad so he can rant to me about my mum because he’s too scared to say anything to her face and being blamed for everything that goes wrong by my mum.
Here’s some examples of things that have happened:
- My mum went to a friends house in the middle of the night before Easter Sunday, so the next morning when my little sister (10f) woke up and realised she wasn’t there to do her egg hunt with her she cried.
- My mum said that my dad and I may as well “do *it* together” all because I spend more time with him than she does -that made me so uncomfortable, she is now denying it.
- When I cried to my dad about my mum calling me “ugly” and an “embarrassment”, he told me I was “being a brat”.
My mum is now getting a new job, a 9 to 5 and my dad told me that I’ll have to make dinner some nights and take care of my sisters since he’s still working as well. I refused. I said that I wouldn’t be doing anything if they don’t pay me at least a babysitters wage since my sister (13f) is autistic and is hard to take care of. My dad looked at me with disgust and ranted on about how he always looked after his little brother and that I’m spoiled and selfish.
I’m tired of being treated like a third parent, I already cook and help out with my sisters a lot due to their neglect. I never have friends over since the house is such a mess and I have exams coming up so I don’t have time for this. But, am I just being selfish? Isn’t it normal to look after younger siblings? AITA?
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I’m (15f) the oldest of three girls (13f+10f) and my whole life I have been looking after my sisters when my parents were busy.
My parents have a toxic marriage; my mum is a narcissist and alcoholic who spontaneously goes to friends houses in the middle of the night to drink herself silly and my dad is a weak man who’s being manipulated by her, so whenever he stands up for himself, he apologises in the next ten minutes.
Over the years I’ve gotten increasingly exhausted with their nonsense; protecting my sisters whilst they argue, being a personal therapist for my dad so he can rant to me about my mum because he’s too scared to say anything to her face and being blamed for everything that goes wrong by my mum.
Here’s some examples of things that have happened:
My mum is now getting a new job, a 9 to 5 and my dad told me that I’ll have to make dinner some nights and take care of my sisters since he’s still working as well. I refused. I said that I wouldn’t be doing anything if they don’t pay me at least a babysitters wage since my sister (13f) is autistic and is hard to take care of. My dad looked at me with disgust and ranted on about how he always looked after his little brother and that I’m spoiled and selfish.
I’m tired of being treated like a third parent, I already cook and help out with my sisters a lot due to their neglect. I never have friends over since the house is such a mess and I have exams coming up so I don’t have time for this. But, am I just being selfish? Isn’t it normal to look after younger siblings? AITA?
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> I refused to babysit my sisters without being paid. I could be acting spoiled.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA they are terrible parents
NTA. You are fifteen. You are a child. What you’re describing isn’t just “helping out with your siblings,” it’s parentification, and it’s not okay. It’s not your job to be a live-in babysitter, therapist, or emotional punching bag for your parents just because they’re incapable of being adults.
Your dad calling you spoiled is rich considering he’s relying on his own kid to pick up the slack. Wanting to focus on your exams and have an actual childhood isn’t selfish, it’s basic. You didn’t choose to have kids, they did. You’re allowed to have boundaries.
NTA
They’d soon see how not spoiled or selfish you are if you stopped doing their parenting for them. Your dad is just trying to guilt trip you into what he wants you to do. You’re still a child yourself and shouldn’t be looking after your sister. Yes you could help your sisters every now and then but this sounds like your parents just expect you to take their place full time whilst they’re not there and they can’t be bothered to go through the hassle of hiring a babysitter
You’re not selfish—you’re overwhelmed. You deserve to focus on yourself, especially at your age. Prioritize your well-being and set boundaries firmly.
Your parents request, that you help your family in ways you’re clearly capable of doing, is not unreasonable. It’s not child abuse. If you’re a legal adult where you live, you can refuse and move out. If you believe their request is terribly unreasonable to the point where it constitutes child abuse, and you’re willing to bet the state agrees, and you’re willing to accept the consequences of that (foster care etc), then report them to the state for child abuse. Otherwise, you’re obliged to accept this new duty. It’s far less than some children are expected to do, and it doesn’t constitute unreasonable hardship. The fact of your parents problematic but not criminal parenting and toxic marriage doesn’t impact your moral obligation while you’re a minor in their care. YTA
I’m sorry your parents suck, and glad you have the perspective to see that. I counsel you to leave at the first reasonable opportunity and be mindful of not repeating their toxic patterns in your life.
NTA. You’re 15, not a third parent. You didn’t choose to have kids they did. It’s one thing to occasionally help out with your siblings, but it’s another to be expected to take on parental responsibilities because your parents can’t get their act together. You’re already dealing with a lot and clearly need support, not more pressure. You’re not selfish for wanting to be a teenager instead of a live-in babysitter/therapist/cook. Hold your ground.
You’re absolutely not selfish. You’re exhausted, and rightly so. You’re not a third parent, yet you’ve been treated like one for far too long.
What you’re describing isn’t “just helping out.” This is parentification; when a child is forced to take on adult responsibilities, often emotionally or practically, to compensate for neglectful or dysfunctional parenting. It can leave deep emotional scars, and it’s not your fault. Your parents’ dynamic sounds incredibly toxic, with your mother displaying abusive, narcissistic behavior, and your father enabling it by leaning on you emotionally instead of protecting you. Being called “ugly” or “an embarrassment” by someone who’s supposed to love and support you? That’s verbal abuse. And your dad’s reaction to that by calling you a brat for being hurt, only reinforces that you’re not being emotionally cared for by either parent.
As for your refusal to babysit without being compensated? That’s not selfish. That’s setting boundaries which is something your parents have never modeled for you. You’re a teenager with your own life, exams, and emotional needs. Expecting you to be the fallback caregiver for your sisters, especially without any regard for your time, mental health, or consent, is unfair. The fact that your dad twisted it to shame you speaks volumes. No, it’s not normal to raise your siblings. Helping occasionally is one thing. Being expected to carry the weight of the household because the adults won’t? That’s abuse of your time and trust. You’re doing your best in a situation that would burn out most adults. You’re advocating for yourself and that’s not selfish. It’s survival.
If you’re able, talk to a trusted adult, a school counselor, teacher, or other family members. And if you ever feel unsafe, don’t hesitate to reach out to a support line in your country. You’re not wrong. You’re not selfish. You’re surviving in a storm that’s not yours to weather alone. And you deserve better.
NTA
This is straight up “parentification”. Your parents chose to have children and it’s their responsibility to parent them, which also INCLUDES you. They are completely slacking on their duties to all of their children, and abusing you to pick up that slack. You absolutely should be focusing on your future and completing your studies. You absolutely should be allowed to have a childhood and not be forced to be a third adult at 15 (presumably early than that).
Do you have a safe adult you could talk to about this? Another family member or someone at school (counsellor/teacher etc). Abuse is abuse and it should be reported. You should try to seek someone who may be able to help. You and your siblings deserve better.
NTA
There is a chance that your mother is cheating on your father. It is very clear that she regrets being a parent if she’s going to the houses of her friends to get drunk off her hide, let alone called you some horrible names. Even suggesting that you and your dad should commit the most disgusting acts despite the fact you two are related? That’s gross and unacceptable, especially since you’re a teenager and he’s a full grown adult.
That being said, your father either needs to pull his weight and start manning up, or risk losing contact with you and your siblings in the near future. Your dad has no right to be disgusted when he did absolutely nothing to protect you or your sisters. If they have the money to keep a roof over your head and pay bills, then there is no trouble getting babysitter’s wage, OR they can hire a babysitter.
What they’re doing to you is called Parentification, which falls under the category of abuse.
I heavily recommend that you either discuss about this to either a close relative, your friends, or your school’s counselors about this situation, because I already know that it’ll only get worse from here.
I was in your shoes at 15. I had 5 brothers to look after. I wish I had talked to my school counselor. Would you be willing to do that?
NTA. You are a child. It is unfair of your parents to ask you to take over their responsibilities. It is not selfish to want to be treated the same as your siblings. This is something that often happens to oldest daughters: they are made to be a third parent in the name of “making you independent” or “spending time with your siblings”. That doesn’t make it right. And you shouldn’t feel guilty for not wanting to be subjected to that. Your parents are understandably struggling to balance parenting and working full time, but that is their responsibility as parents to figure out how to make it work without relying on your labor. I know this seems like an impossible situation right now, but know that this shouldn’t be your responsibility and that it’s okay to feel upset.
NTA
You described my teenage years, though it was all male, but functionally the same. I got fed up enough to join the army at 17 and move out.
See about talking to a counsellor. Speaking from experience – you have to deal with your feelings on this issue or it will impact the rest of your life.
NTA
They are patentifying you. No more needs to be said
They are the adults it is their responsibility to figure it out.
There is a difference between- ocassional babysitting and handling other responsibilities vs doing it full time.
If they can’t figure it out they should put them in an after school program, hire help, or offer you a real wage to do the work.
NTA.kts unfair that you’re expected to be a parent to kids you didn’t ask for
It would be very interesting to phone the local child welfare authorities and float the question AITA.
NTA talk to someone to get help