So one of my defining characteristics is that I do too much. I can’t help it, it’s just who I am as a person. I give 110% when I commit to something – and it often leaves me drained and depleted. A compromise I’ve struck with myself is to limit situations where I’ll be required to do that so when I do do it, it can be guilt-free.
My friend asked me to be her maid of honour 2 months ago. I was shocked by the request. I expected maybe bridesmaid, not maid of honour as we’re not that close anymore. We used to be in our 20s and even lived together for a bit but we’ve drifted and I never expected to be asked to be moh.
I said no. I don’t have the bandwidth to be her MOH with everything I have going on and my doing too much personality means I’d run myself into the ground doing it. I thanked her profusely for wanting me to play such a role but told her I couldn’t for reasons above. She was upset but said okay.
This weekend, my best friend asked me to be her moh and I said yes.
I’m sure you see the problem. Friend 1 found out via Instagram (not mine or brides) that i said yes to friend 2 but not her and is apoplectic. Mutual friends are judging. I’m being called all sorts of names. I call friend 1 to talk – she says she doesn’t want to unless I’ll reconsider her offer. I said I won’t.
I don’t know how else I could have navigated it, to be honest. I deliberately didn’t post on insta to preserve her feelings and even asked my bestie not to – which she agreed – but it eventually got out. I cannot do both and chose the one I can freely give my all to.
AITA?
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So one of my defining characteristics is that I do too much. I can’t help it, it’s just who I am as a person. I give 110% when I commit to something – and it often leaves me drained and depleted. A compromise I’ve struck with myself is to limit situations where I’ll be required to do that so when I do do it, it can be guilt-free.
My friend asked me to be her maid of honour 2 months ago. I was shocked by the request. I expected maybe bridesmaid, not maid of honour as we’re not that close anymore. We used to be in our 20s and even lived together for a bit but we’ve drifted and I never expected to be asked to be moh.
I said no. I don’t have the bandwidth to be her MOH with everything I have going on and my doing too much personality means I’d run myself into the ground doing it. I thanked her profusely for wanting me to play such a role but told her I couldn’t for reasons above. She was upset but said okay.
This weekend, my best friend asked me to be her moh and I said yes.
I’m sure you see the problem. Friend 1 found out via Instagram (not mine or brides) that i said yes to friend 2 but not her and is apoplectic. Mutual friends are judging. I’m being called all sorts of names. I call friend 1 to talk – she says she doesn’t want to unless I’ll reconsider her offer. I said I won’t.
I don’t know how else I could have navigated it, to be honest. I deliberately didn’t post on insta to preserve her feelings and even asked my bestie not to – which she agreed – but it eventually got out. I cannot do both and chose the one I can freely give my all to.
AITA?
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> Because people are saying I am for refusing friend 1 when she asked first but saying yes to friend 2
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You agreeing to be one person’s maid of honor doesn’t mean you’re required to or should even be expected to do it for someone else. NTA
NTA
For some people we go above and beyond, for others we don’t. That’s life. You are willing to take on the extra responsibility for your best friend but not for someone you are no longer that close with. Let’s me real here though, friend one knows the extent you will go to to make things special and she wants that… You aren’t actually being asked to be her MOH because of you, it’s because of the services you offer. Let her be upset.
NTA
Sounds reasonable to me you assessed the requirements for MOH for Friend 1 and made the decision based on your ability to accept the responsibility. And did so again with Friend 2.
NTA. you know what you are able to do, and you were ASKED to be MoH. Not told. If your friend is so bent out of shape because you are not up to being MoH for her, but you are up for it for a much closer friend, then it isn’t really that much of a loss, as it just reinforces the fact that they aren’t as close – or even just not friends any more. People change and grow, and friends come and go.
It was bound to come out eventually, so don’t give it too much headspace.
There are people I’d be willing to do it for, and others I wouldn’t. It doesn’t matter who asked first.
In Friend 1’s shoes, you must be able to understand why they’d be upset/hurt/other when she found out you accepted for someone else after declining her. It was a rejection, and rejections hurt. Might also be a bit embarrassing if other people know … A rumour mill starts. It’s also a more formal statement on your part that you don’t see your friendship to her as deeply as she does, which might take some getting used to.
Anyways, NTA for refusing a job you don’t want to do. Especially a job that is fully volunteer, takes lots of time, and will cost you lots of money. NTA, but there will be consequences and you’ll just have to roll with them. It’ll pass though.
Gotta ask: How on earth could someone who is neither you nor Bride Numero Dos post on Instagram that you accepted your friend’s invite to be her MOH?
NTA because simply put, this is your choice. No is a complete sentence and those who don’t respect that are crossing your boundary.
NTA – Last I checked it was your decision and not anybody else’s.
NTA.
“No” is a perfectly acceptable answer.
We shouldn’t have to make excuses forever. I understand that you didn’t want to hurt her, so you added reasons. The fact that she’s not willing to respect that unfortunately means she’s not a good friend.
I can’t go to a birthday party on Friday because I have to turn in an assignment at work, but I’m accepting an invitation to a birthday party on Saturday? It’s nobody’s business, not even the person whose birthday is on Friday. Sometimes there’s just a lot of personal stuff going on.
Also, sidenote: I had to get therapy for perfectionism, that came out as me doing to much, all the time and if I couldn’t I would look for opportunity to do so. Always never less than 110% in anything. Gave me powers to loose the guilt to how others act when I say “no” – among other things. Recommend!
NAH
As someone else who always does too much, you are not an AH. I have the added problem of never saying no, which I am working on. It’s exhausting and stressful. You need to know when to say no to protect yourself from burnout and it sounds like that’s what you did. You said yes to your best friend because she’s as your best friend, she takes priority.
However, if I were the other friend, my feelings would be hurt. I’d be recognizing that I’m not a priority to someone I considered my best friend.
You are nta for protecting yourself from doing too much, she’s nta for having hurt feelings.
NAH
Why would Friend 1 even want you as MOH after being rejected initially, unless it’s a ‘I don’t really have anyone else to ask’ type thing, which kinda makes it even sadder.
Nonetheless, it’s completely your decision obviously – but we cannot ignore the fact that you are putting out there that you are willing to overstretch yourself and give 110% for Friend 2, but would rather protect your mental health than do so for Friend 1. Even though she never asked you to jump through hoops… I’m sure that hurt like hell.
No one here sucks.
YTA. Obviously, you’re totally free to accept or decline as you wish. However, I think it should’ve been pretty obvious that your decision was going to hurt your friend’s feelings & trigger a negative reaction. Right?
You didn’t even bother having a convo with her to explain why you accepted the second offer. Instead, you & your bestie decided to try & keep the intel off social media to delay the discovery. So, I guess you’re not ‘committed’ to actual adulting because your behaviour falls way short of that ‘defining 110%’
NAH. You made a valid choice that works for you. You may lose a friendship but that doesn’t make it a bad choice and it doesn’t make either of you assholes. It’s just life.
NTA. You said yes to a friend you were closer with. It sounds like the first friend only asked you because of how much effort you would put into the task, not because she valued your friendship. Have any of the mutual friends stepped up to volunteer for the job?
NTA. I love that you know your limits. That’s maturity. Also totally understand that you were close and no longer are so why invest the time when you know how much strain it will put in you
NTA – no one is required to be MOH if asked, and it should be closest friend/relative.
NTA- You can send your friend a short note and explain that you didn’t feel that close to her anymore. I would note how frequently you talk and see each other. Tell her you were surprised that she even asked. However, the other individual is your best friend with whom you are close to.
NTA at all.
1 – While it’s an honour to be asked to be MOH,make not mistake, it’s expensive and it’s a JOB. There’s planning, arranging, soooo much herding cats, navigating family/friend relationships, etc.
2 – If anyone is judging you, ask them how much they’d be willing to shell out to me MOH twice in one summer. Once to someone you’re not even that close with.
You preserve your own sanity, bandwidth happiness. You made the right call for you, end of story.
NTA
I don’t think much of friend 1. Like, making a condition of the cessation of conflict that you roll over and give in to her demand to be her maid of honor? That’s… kind of pathetic on her part. Like, does she not think she deserves better than a MOH who is there on sufferance? NTA
I mean you can do what you want, the decision is yours and NTA for that BUT your excuse for the first bride was that you would run yourself to the ground performing MOH duties with everything that is going on right now in your life. Five minutes later you agreed to be MOH for someone else. I’m sure you can see how that might look sketchy for the first bride. Again, your decision, your right but I can see how that would end a friendship.
NTA and you seem to be attempting to care for everyone’s feelings. I’m sorry she is reacting poorly to it.
I mean you see that she clearly wasn’t your friend, right?
Instead of a conversation, or trying to gain perspective or understanding, she jumps to emotional blackmail and pouting.
NTA – let one of the other offended mutual be the MOH! But that’s not what she wants, she wants the time, care, and dedication you put into these events but no work on her end, because how is she there to show you the reciprocal?
It seems you made the right choice. ’I see that my choice upset you, and for that I apologize. And given the harsh feelings I’ve incurred from our mutual friends and yourself, I feel it best to still not be the MOH. If our relationship is affected by that, then, again, I accept your choice.’
ESH OP – you’re using your inability to self regulate effort as justification to not support someone. That’s really shitty. You needing to go all in is not necessaeiky a positive. In fact, that attitude can be iverwhlemjng for others depending on the situation. It is something you need to learn to manage.
To me you’re saying I can’t help you because I’ll do too good a job – wtf?
Also, if she doesn’t currently have a best friend it’s perfectly normal that she might turn to someone she may have felt closest too at a point in her life that she’s still friends with. Many people go to their chikdhood best friend or a school friend (even if they are not the closest now) because of the memories and sentimentality.
The reality is that you said no before you even knew your best friend wanted you as MOH.
I think your excuse to her that you give 110% is appalling (bc regulate your self!) but I do think you saying no because you’re no longer close to her is valid.
I also think you accepting to be your BF’s MOH is valid.
You basically just told someone who viewed you as worthy of being her MOH that they are not worthy to you (before even best friend issue) and you reaffirmed that by accepting BF’s invite.
I am just not buying your give 110%. I find that to be an astoundingly poor justification and a clear indication that you cannot self-regulate.
NTA. It gets complicated but there are requirements and expenses being a MOH. You also said you weren’t as close anymore. I think wedding 2 maybe less time consuming. I don’t think it’s wrong but maybe have a conversation.
best friends vs friends is a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE DIFFERENCE