I (25F) have a very complicated relationship with my biological dad (53M). He was never really present in my life. When I was a kid, I would see him every other weekend, but 80% of the time he was drunk and passed out, 10% he just never showed up, and the other 10% he was actually fun to be around. He never came to any of my school plays or events (except my high school graduation).
My stepdad has always been there for me. He always showed up to every event, supporting me, giving me advice, and basically being the father figure in my life.
My biological dad has struggled with addiction and mental health issues for years. And it’s gotten worse in the last 10 years. He’s hasn’t paid rent in a while, his apartment is often filled with alcohol cans, cigarettes, and even cat & dog poop. He’s tried to hurt himself several times. He’s currently hospitalized. Me and my dad’s side of the family have always picked up after him after being hospitalized such as cleaning his apartment, visiting him and emotionally supporting him. He’s tried stopping his addiction. We’ve talked to his social worker, but his psychiatrist keeps saying that he’s all fine.
A while back, when he broke his hip, one of my aunts got upset at me because I didn’t bring him groceries or cook for him. Instead, I contacted social workers and meal services to try to get him help, but he refused it. Now my family is talking about going to court to have him declared incapable of making decisions, so someone would be appointed to handle all his medical and financial decisions.
My uncle suggested it should be me because I’m his daughter. And I’m almost certain he’s gonna ask me to let my dad live with me if he loses his apartment. The thing is… I don’t want this responsibility. I also don’t feel like he’s ever really been a parent to me. I feel guilty, but I also know being his guardian would completely drain me emotionally and financially. I also feel bad because he’s my dad so I do feel like I have some sort of responsibility to help him out.
I said that I don’t feel confident taking this legal role but I’d be okay helping in other ways if needed. One of my family member offered taking that role and that she wouldn’t mind. But I’m scared that my family will see me as heartless and selfish, and I’m scared they’ll cut me off if I say no.
AITA for refusing to become my dad’s legal guardian?
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I (25F) have a very complicated relationship with my biological dad (53M). He was never really present in my life. When I was a kid, I would see him every other weekend, but 80% of the time he was drunk and passed out, 10% he just never showed up, and the other 10% he was actually fun to be around. He never came to any of my school plays or events (except my high school graduation).
My stepdad has always been there for me. He always showed up to every event, supporting me, giving me advice, and basically being the father figure in my life.
My biological dad has struggled with addiction and mental health issues for years. And it’s gotten worse in the last 10 years. He’s hasn’t paid rent in a while, his apartment is often filled with alcohol cans, cigarettes, and even cat & dog poop. He’s tried to hurt himself several times. He’s currently hospitalized. Me and my dad’s side of the family have always picked up after him after being hospitalized such as cleaning his apartment, visiting him and emotionally supporting him. He’s tried stopping his addiction. We’ve talked to his social worker, but his psychiatrist keeps saying that he’s all fine.
A while back, when he broke his hip, one of my aunts got upset at me because I didn’t bring him groceries or cook for him. Instead, I contacted social workers and meal services to try to get him help, but he refused it. Now my family is talking about going to court to have him declared incapable of making decisions, so someone would be appointed to handle all his medical and financial decisions.
My uncle suggested it should be me because I’m his daughter. And I’m almost certain he’s gonna ask me to let my dad live with me if he loses his apartment. The thing is… I don’t want this responsibility. I also don’t feel like he’s ever really been a parent to me. I feel guilty, but I also know being his guardian would completely drain me emotionally and financially. I also feel bad because he’s my dad so I do feel like I have some sort of responsibility to help him out.
I said that I don’t feel confident taking this legal role but I’d be okay helping in other ways if needed. One of my family member offered taking that role and that she wouldn’t mind. But I’m scared that my family will see me as heartless and selfish, and I’m scared they’ll cut me off if I say no.
AITA for refusing to become my dad’s legal guardian?
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> I feel like I’m a bad daughter. I feel like an asshole for not being there more for my dad
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTAH. You’re the child. He’s the “parent”. It’s not your responsibility. Live your life for you. Not for someone who wasn’t there for you.
NTA. Becoming someone’s legal guardian is a HUGE responsibility and… it can become a burden, if you don’t want to do it. Say no.
NTA – Your “dad” didn’t fulfill his obligations to you, so you have no obligations to him. Let one of these relatives with strong opinions take him in.
NTA. You don’t owe your father anything. His siblings can take care of him.
NTA I’d go no contact with all of them
NTA let them cut you off if that’s the price of not ruining your life taking care of a neglectful selfish man. You don’t owe him anything.
NTA, your aunts and uncles should have protested this loudly when he wasn’t involved in your life as a child.
They are reaping what they’ve sown.
NTA.
Nope, nope, nope, NOPE! Stay away from that.
If your aunts and uncles want him to have a guardian, they are free to volunteer for that role.
NTA.
NTA but please stand your ground
NTA. Just because he sired you does not mean you owe him your life.
He has not been a father to you, he has not taken care of you, and has chosen drugs/alcohol over you for your entire life. His bad decisions do not obligate you to ruin your life to support him now.
As for how your family views you, does it actually matter? Are you willing to set your entire life on fire for possible decades just so some people have a warm fuzzy when they think of you? As for them possibly cutting you off, where was that energy towards him when he was being a shit parent to you when you were a literal child?
Do not set yourself on fire just to keep the man who chose drugs and alcohol over everyone else warm.
NTA doesn’t sound like he was much a guardian to you. Also what delusional psychiatrist says it’s “fine” he continues to abuse alcohol and drugs?
NTA. Your dad’s family is trying to declare him incapable, they need to be the one to step up. You should start to distance yourself from cleaning your after him, that just enables him to continue the same life. His family is going to constantly try to guilt you. You are the child (an adult but the child here) and don’t need to take care of your sperm donor. On top his psychiatrist says there’s nothing wrong with him.
I’m sorry this is happening, OP. I really want to encourage you not to take on this role because of a fear of how you’ll be perceived by others. You’re young. Your dad is still young too. You could end up being his legal guardian for DECADES. You’re not saying you won’t help; you’re just helping in a way that feels right for you given your relationship with your dad.
Please don’t let people pressure you into a role you don’t want that will affect your emotional health, finances, and independence for the rest of your life (your relatives probably don’t want to be his guardian for this very reason). YNTA.
NTA!! Since a family member has offered to take the role, let her do it.
Your personal feelings about your relationship woth your father would absolutely be enough to say no. On top of that, you are 25, probably trying to figure out your own direction in life. Being saddled with this responsibility (when you don’t want it), would be too much. You would be putting your own life on pause for your father. That’s a serious decision to make for someone you have a loving caring relationship with. It’s emotionally repulsive decision when you have such a complicated relationship with this man.
You are only 25. This is a job for your dad’s sister or brother.
NTA, there are facilities available, and while your bio dad refused them at first, once he is declared incompetent, he will have no say. Let the state take care of him. At the start of your life, which you are, you don’t have the resources to help him.
While I feel for you and your family’s difficult circumstances, your dad is a drunk who refused help. It’s hard, I wish you and yours well.
NTA. Your uncle suggested it should be you because he doesn’t want to do it. Because he knows what a huge drain on time, energy, money, and emotional well-being it would be for anyone. He doesn’t necessarily owe it to your dad, but you definitely don’t. Parents have a responsibility to their children; the reverse is not true. You don’t owe your dad anything just because he managed to be fun a few days a year.
You are 100% right to refuse, so please keep your chin up and stay confident. Your father already damaged your childhood. Don’t ever believe that you owe him your adulthood too.
NTA. I am 51, my Mom is 88 I am her caregiver, I love her with all my heart, but this is exhausting.
When I was 25 she told me to go live my life because this day was coming.
His siblings shouldn’t be trying to pass him off to you, if they are so invested in his care they need to be involved.
NTA and your dad’s family can fuck off on trying to bully you into caring for him because they don’t want to. it’s disgusting that they’re trying to offload responsibility of him onto you, a literal child compared to them. They have more means and stability than you do and taking on this role would sabotage your future. don’t do it.
NTA This is a door you never want to unlock and open. There’s a good reason none of his family are stepping up and they are trying to push this on you. The fact is they don’t want this for themselves because they don’t want what would happen to you to happen to them.
He’s never really been a parent to you and the only good side of that is that now it is fully proper that you don’t have to step up to be his guardian. This is not your burden to carry.
I think rather you need to step away from all of this, and pay the price that comes with that, rather than sacrificing your future in any significant way for a man who is like someone struggling in the water, likely to drag the person they can latch onto down with them. Don’t be that person. Don’t be the sacrificial lamb your uncle is pushing you to be.
NTA. Let them cut you off if that’s the level of respect that they show you.
This is not your responsibility. If family is concerned, they can step in. If it were me needing the guardian, I wouldn’t want my children to have to do it. That’s not their burden to bear. You’re still young and figuring your life out. He’s had his whole life to figure things out.
Others will try and guilt you, but stick to your No. You deserve to have some peace in your life, and you will not get it by taking care of someone who prefers chaos.
Remember: booting his ass into a home counts as “taking care”.
NTA. Absolutely do NOT let them railroad you into this. I care for my Dad. He was/is a great dad, wonderful person. And it is hard. There is no way I would do this out of anything other than love. He is going to be very difficult, and you are just starting your life. Don’t let his shitty past derail your promising future.
NTA That is a HUGE responsibility and not something anyone should force you into. It’s really taxing on people even when they DO have a good relationship with their parents.
NTA. Anytime someone asks you a question with “no” as a possible answer, they should be ready to hear the no
NTA. Firstly, it sounds like he’s done this to himself. You’re his daughter by blood, but it sounds like he’s not someone you really know. Does he have a diagnosis to be declared mentally unfit to care for himself? If his psychiatrist is saying he’s fine, it may be an uphill battle. Even if someone is making bad decision after bad decision, it would have to be proven that there is a legally covered reason for it. Being addicted isn’t enough.
Secondly, I find it concerning that they want a twenty five year old to care for a grown man who is an addict. Even if he’s not going to do anything to harm you, are you going to be exposed to needles that he leaves sitting around? Are there other addicts he’s going to bring around you? Steal your money to get drugs?
Look, I know a lot of addicts are just struggling people and they need help. But if someone needs to take care of him, it’s GOT to be someone he will look at with some measure of authority. I doubt his estranged kid is someone who will hold sway over him. Tell your family about concerns for your safety. Ask how they would feel if his dealer showed up to your house late at night? Is THAT why they’re pushing this off on you? You’re twenty five but probably not established with a career and resources the way your older relatives would be. Why aren’t THEY taking care of him?
All this to say you’re fine to not want to do this. Take a deep breath and remember that no is a full sentence.
NTA:
That is a tremendous amount of responsibility for someone 25.
You need to be aware that if you accept responsibility
YOU are responsible for ALL care until he passes. Financial and physical. You can’t decide one day to no longer be the guardian. You could find yourself in an Elder Abuse situation if the situation becomes overwhelming for you.
Do NOT do this. It’s hard enough to be a caregiver when you love the person with all your heart.
This has the potential to destroy you spiritually, emotionally and financially.
Things he didn’t support for you.
Don’t do it. Even temporary under any circumstances. Again you can’t just change your mind later down the road. You will be stuck.
NTA you offered ways you can help so there’s no need to cut you off
DO NOT DO IT
I don’t know how to stress that enough. Addiction is horrible and I feel for him, but you will basically be agreeing to give up your whole life for someone who has never been there for you. It is very kind of you to offer to help, and that is a good position, but you do not want to take on the responsibility of a whole entire person who cannot take care of themself. And he’s only in his fifties, so this will be for a significant portion of your life, and just when you’re starting out! It’s unfair of them to ask you to do this. This is a job for his siblings, or partner, or the state.
If your paternal family is threatening to cut you off for not setting them free of their brother, son, cousin, … let them. They are not good people, either.
NTA
NTA. You don’t owe your parents anything solely because they brought you into this world. The fact that you’ve found him resources that he refused says even if you did try to care for him, he’d fight you and push boundaries with you every step of the way and guardianship is a huge commitment. You’re allowed to set boundaries here… especially considering there is someone willing.
NTA
NTA. “I have some sort of responsibility to help him out”….think about that. His responsibility was to raise you. Why do you owe him anything when he couldn’t accomplish the bare minimum of parenting?
You’re not responsible for how other people react to the boundaries you set for yourself. Remember that.
NTA. And not only that, please stay strong and DON’T give in to this entirely selfish, unreasonable request. These fully grown adults are actually being the assholes for even asking you to take on this burden when you should be establishing your own life – because THEY don’t want to care for him either. It sounds like your father always chose his own life/needs/addiction during your childhood – you do not owe him anything simply because you share genetic material and he is now facing the consequences of his unhealthy choices. Please maintain whatever boundary you need to… “I’m willing to do X, but that’s it.” If the family really starts to push on you, feel free to cut them out too.
NTA. He’s not your father; your step-dad is. Aunt and uncle want him taken care of? They are welcome to volunteer as tribute.
They want you to take care of someone who never really took care of you. I see that as asking a lot.
NTA.
NTA as someone who has been the legal guardian for another adult, don’t do it. It was so hard and the logistics of everything was infuriating. The person I was the guardian of (ex husband) was impossible to work with and didn’t understand that he couldn’t make decisions. It was awful. Don’t ruin your life with this!
NTA. Stand your ground and be strong. And I wonder if your uncle would say it should be you if you were male. Somehow I doubt it (unless you’re the only child).
They are really hoping they can guilt you into doing this so they don’t have to. Don’t give in Op! It’s not your obligation. He’s the (crap) parent, not you.
Don’t let people guilt you into this. Look you hardly know the man. You certainly aren’t familiar with his addiction. You don’t want the burden and it’s not your responsibility to take it. People will play the blame game. You were a child they didn’t guilt him into being a stable parent. They don’t want to be legally involved because they know how much his medical will be. Cut as much contact as you can ok. Go easy on yourself
You can tell the courts no you’re not capable of it
NTA SO MUCH NTA.
I say this as someone who has spent years caring for family.
NTA- absolutely not. Be honest. This man was not there for you. They are out of their minds to expect you to put your life on hold to take care of him. Let them do it. They put up with his self destructive behavior for years, let them finish the job
NTA.
Daughters are always expected to make a sacrifice. It’s bs.
It’s not worth it. He’s not your responsibility. You shouldn’t be expected to give all your youth for someone who squandered his.
As I read this all, I was thinking was no you don’t have to take this on. It is not your responsibility. Don’t feel guilty which I know is easier said than done.
But then I got to the last half of the last paragraph. You can’t really control what other people think and they might cut you off. You just have to be prepared for that and OK with it. NTA.
By the way, I’m POA, medical and durable, for my 87 year old mother but not her legal guardian. I don’t know, but legal guardian just seems like a lot more responsibility, like next level. You might look into the differences of those terms.
NTA. Don’t let anyone who isn’t willing to do it themselves judge you, and if they’re willing to do it themselves: let them.
NTA
Let his brother(‘s) and/or sister(‘s) sort it out.
You are still young let the old people pick up the pieces. You need to live your own life and not have to clean up behind an addict.
NTA. You owe your sperm donor nothing. Just from what’s you wrote you have given him more than he’s ever giving you. People like him are takers and users; emotional and financial vampires.
He will ruin your emotional, physical and financial health.
“…But I’m scared that my family will see me as heartless and selfish, and I’m scared they’ll cut me off if I say no…”
Did the cut him off when he failed you? Did they cut him off for his selfish and heartless behavior towards his child?
If they are willing to cut you off then they are not good people. You deserve better.
Do not ruin your life out of guilt or fear of being cut off.
It‘s okay to put yourself first.
NTA. You weren’t his responsibility and thus, he should not be yours.
If they cut you off so be it. You owe your dad nothing. Stick to your guns and keep saying no. You dont want and should not have the responsibility of a malfunctioning adult. It will drain your life and make you miserable and only gwt worse until he’s passed on. Its not getting better till now you aren’t the magic pill.
Betcha his family wouldn’t expect you to cook and clean and take care of him if you were a guy. He needs outside resources. You are not an addiction counselor or medical professional, and as he ages the situation is only going to get worse. Don’t worry about what his family thinks of you–they sure aren’t worried about what you think.
NTA! Use your age here. Your brain just barely deviled this year. You don’t have adulting for yourself down to an artform yet, how on earth would they think the shiny fresh new adult would be the logical choice. Let his siblings step up and handle it. You aren’t being coldhearted you are being pragmatic…this is more than you can take on right now. You don’t have the tools that age and time bring, so this would be the ill prepared taking on the incapable. How is that the best choice for him.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Live your life.
NTA, and absolutely not. Do not agree. Do not sign anything, Idc who promises you what.
There is a reason none of them are stepping up. They don’t want responsibility for him either. They’re hoping to push him off on you bc you’re his kid. They know he’s shitty, but they hope you can be bullied into this because they don’t want him.
My extended family tried this on me with my mom and I halfway fell for it because I felt obligated. I would NOT do it again.
NTA. You are not responsible for a lifetime of poor choices.
NTA, they are more concerned about doing things what they think is the right way, instead of doing what has to be done.
NTA. Honestly, even if your dad had been a great dad, it doesn’t mean you should be responsible for him. He needs rehab and the desire to really want to get sober. All you would be doing, if you became his guardian, is basically keeping after him. Cleaning, cooking and trying, unsuccessfully, to get him to not drink. It would ruin your life. Your home would be wrecked, your life would revolve around him and his addiction. It is miserable. Your dad needs to handle the consequences of his addiction. If you were his guardian, YOU would be the one dealing with the consequences. I would offer him rides to and from rehab, meetings, doctor appts., offer meals sometimes but not to house him, clean up after him or be responsible for him. Lay that out for your family. I would have them sit in on Al-Anon so they can learn to help effectively and learn when to walk away. It’s so easy to tell other people how to solve an addict’s problems but it is rarely actually helpful. Updateme and good luck.
Absolutely not. Just cos he’s your dad doesn’t mean you have to take responsibility for him.
Anyway you’re off the hook if someone else has stepped up.
NTA
NTA
Please consider the advice of older people in this sub who have seen the many ways that this WILL go wrong.
You are just making your way in the world; don’t start off adulthood with a burden that was created because other people made the wrong choices at every turn. A wise boss once counselled me to learn from other people’s mistakes, not my own.
If dad wants his life to be better, then he can use some of his 53 years of experience to make those changes. Just because he refuses to help himself – and make no mistake, it’s a CHOICE – doesn’t mean that you have to run his life. If aunt wants him fed, then she can bring him food. If uncle wants him housed, then he should make those arrangements. Clearly, they are overlooking the significant fact that dad won’t help himself, nor is he doing anything to make it easier for others to help him.
The family members who are commenting on what you should do haven’t had to deal with him as a parent. They are uninformed, so their opinions are irrelevant. Don’t live your life thinking about what other people think of you; it’s a recipe for unhappiness, and it is so easily avoided.
You seem smart, capable and kind. It’s a mystery how kids of failed parents turn out great, but you are an example of it.
Live your life, don’t feel guilty, help if you want to (NOT because you think that you should, or others think that you should), resolve to be a better person than your dad, and continue to make good decisions.
You’ve got this, and I’m pulling for you.
NTA. You don’t need to sacrifice your mental health and financial stability to help your father. I am extremely LC with my own mother and NC with my father, I understand all too well the position you’re in. I understand the guilt that weighs heavy on your heart, and I know how hard it is to say no and to draw those lines.
Earlier this summer my mother asked me if she could live with me if she needed a place to stay. My immediate answer was no. I sat on it and thought about it and my answer was still no. Did I feel conflicted and guilty for saying no? I did. It was a weird space to be in but ultimately? I have to put myself first. I can’t be in the same room with her and be comfortable, let alone live with her. I haven’t seen her in person in 5 years, haven’t lived with her in over 20. I don’t honestly think I ever will see her again. I truly recommend you get yourself some therapy to help sort your feelings and make the decisions that are right for you.
Absolutely NTA
He has allowed his own toxic destructive behavior to cause these consequences. He frankly needs to see what support is available through the social worker and psychiatrist.
You have no obligation here. He was a neglectful and absent parent, he does not get to claim an emotional connection
NTa. It doesn’t matter if his family thinks you’re heartless and cold. What were they thinking when he was never there for you? Did they tell him he was cold and heartless to his daughter when you were young?
The answer doesn’t really matter. You can’t take care of him. Period. The best thing you can do is have a wonderful life yourself. Maybe help appointing a legal guardian, but don’t become one yourself.
As soon as anyone tries to trick or blame you into taking him, just repeat; no. If they ask why, just tell them he wasn’t there in my childhood, I don’t have a bond, I can’t, won’t and shall never be responsible for him or his care.
And repeat. Repeat. Every time. No, I won’t be his legal guardian. If there is a legal question (by a judge or whomever); also repeat. No. There is nothing I can do for him.
For yourself; give yourself some credit. You can grieve the dad you never had.
Nta. I have a deadbeat alcoholic dad as well. He’s his sister’s problem. You don’t owe him anything. If someone else is willing, let them. He could still have 30+ years of failing health to go.
RUN do not walk from this as fast and as far as you can! If you become legally responsible for him that could be devastating to you not only emotionally but financially! Please don’t let your family guilt you into this. Tell them you’re happy to help out but not be his legal guardian and stand FIRM.
Becoming his legal guardian and letting him live with you or two totally different things.
This is a huge life decision, being his nurse and caretaker. Is what you think is gonna happen.
But as his legal guardian, you can put him in an assisted living facility.
This way, no one is responsible for his daily needs. People are going to criticize you no matter what you do.
If this is not what you want, do not do it. He needs a social worker, he needs to apply for Social Security, and maybe his brother should take him in.
It’s funny how Family has so much to say, but they’re not interested in actually taking on the job.
Don’t worry about what other people think. You’re the only person that can live your own life. Your happiness is more important than other people‘s opinions.
I’m sorry your dad struggled with addictions but after letting you down your whole life, the dad card is now null and void. It is not your burden to bear. Keep refusing any responsibility.
Let them cut you off. This responsibility should not be foisted on you just because he got your mom pregnant.
NTA. He wasn’t a parent to you. Parenting him isn’t something you owe him.