My parents divorced when I (20m) was 7. My mom remarried when I was 10 and her husband’s son, my stepbrother, was 8. He and I got along badly from the start. He didn’t like that I could do stuff he couldn’t, like walk to the store on my own because it was right down the block from mom’s house or that I was allowed to go to friends houses after school when I was with my dad. He was jealous about the gaming setup I had at dad’s house too but that was mom’s fault he even knew about it. She tried to force my dad to invite him over sometimes so he could play with me and she and her husband could have a date night.
We fought a lot and in the run up to the wedding we argued about being called brothers and having to stand next to each other during the wedding and they tried to force us into poses for pre-wedding photos and we refused. He even bit me during the shoot and then I refused to take more photos with him.
Our relationship got worse and he would annoy me complaining about shit so I rubbed in all the things I had that he didn’t or could do that he couldn’t do. My mom begged me at the time to please treat him like a little brother and just try to be nicer and let stuff go and she said it was important because we’d always be family even if we hated it.
He tried to befriend me once when we were like 13 and 11 and he wanted access to the good stuff but I didn’t buy it and he let out on himself because he mentioned being invited to my dad’s house like 10 times while playing nice.
My dad died when I was 16 and my stepbrother mocked me because he’d get to play that stuff now because of course dad’s stuff would be going to mom and his dad’s house. Only my grandparents kept it at dad’s house and watched over the house until I turned 18 and could move in. That’s exactly what I did. My dad left everything to me, including his house, and we didn’t sell it so I could live in it once I graduated, which I now do.
My mom wanted me to let my stepbrother move in so he could have some independence while going to the college he got into nearby. I said no and I told mom she would not change my mind and she could not pay me to live with him again. She complained that I was doing nothing to improve the relationship and I replied that I don’t need to. That I will never want to improve my relationship with him because to me he’s not family or a friend.
Then he reached out and told me he was sorry for being a jerk in the past and he wanted to know if he could come over and play games sometime. He said he saw my collection online and was jealous of all the stuff I have and would love the chance to play games he never could before or that he hasn’t played in years. He offered to bring snacks. I said no.
My mom found out he had reached out and asked me and she told me she was ashamed of me rejecting him so finally like that and she said it would be no big deal to let him play some “dumb games”. She said after all the gloating I did about that stuff in my teens the least I could do is try to work on things now and share with him. I told her no and I would not discuss it more. She said I’m older than he is and I’m pretending I’m so mature while really I’m acting like a kid still and refusing to accept apologies and work on repairing relationships. She said it was not how any adult should behave.
AITA?
Comments
NTA Your mom is failing to see (or refusing to see) that the only reason he is even making the effort is that you have something cool that he wants access to. The only thing you owe to your mom at this point is to be civil when/if you have to be together for family events.
NTA Not her house, your rules!
Gotta hate when a parent prioritizes their new family and desperately try to force a bond with the step parent/ kids at the expense of their own child happiness and well being.
And I say this as a SM who love my SK to pieces , I lucked out with two wonderful little humans !
But damn … The fact the the stepbrother made OP life a constant hell , literally MOCKED OP when his dad died and even after that the mother is still trying to advocate for the stepbrother entitled and immature behavior while OP express his boundaries time after time over the years is mind blowing.
I feel bad for those two little boys.
NTA
You have made it clear that you don’t want the connection and she can’t force a bond to happen. It seems like she just wants rid of him.
I do think that he tried to make an effort with the snacks and spending time together, so it doesn’t seem like he’s a bad person and you were perhaps a bit harsh. I do think that you’ve finally have freedom and proper independence, so you want to enjoy that without him. You could probably have voiced that better
Nta. You can’t force relationships on people.
NTA, tell your mom to fuck off. Neither of them deserve to be in your life. When you receive a genuine apology from her for being a sack of shit for eight years, then maybe you can consider her requests but it needs to result in actual change this time not just a manipulation tactic.
“Sure mom. Once you’ve made up for forcing me to live in a house where I was bullied and mocked for my dads death, I’ll do what you want. Until then, don’t call, and stick to the people who were your first choice”
Block
Tell your mom you’re an adult now and you don’t want to associate with him. Tell her if she keeps this up you will go no contact with her. That should shut her up if she wants to maintain her relationship with you. I hate when parents force these step sibling relationships. Sometimes you need to be blunt!
Nta
NTA it’s your house you get to pick who can visit.
nta your mom must have been delusional to ask you to let him move in.
NTA
NTA.
But you need to block everyone who’s not your mom.
Stand your ground. He doesn’t want a relationship with you he wants access to your property. I know your mom cares about him but she didn’t care enough to stop his behavior when you were younger. She didn’t care to stop him when he mocked your father’s death. At any time his own father could’ve bought him video games but didnt. He is not your problem.. not your circus not your monkeys. If your mother doesn’t like it, that sounds like a her problem… not yours
NTA. Just flat out tell her no. And if she doesn’t drop it, you’ll put her on a contact time out. And why haven’t you blocked him yet?
Your mom didn’t act like a mature adult from the time they got married or she wouldn’t have kept pushing.
You have no obligations to befriend anyone. Especially someone who was the bane of your existence.
Block him on all social media.
He can’t envy what he doesn’t know exists.
Maybe your mother too.
NTA
She’s ashamed? Of YOUR behavior??
No mom, I’m ashamed of the way you allowed your stepson to bully me for years and just told me to suck it up. I’m ashamed of the fact that you put your own wants and the wants of your husband and his son ahead of the needs of your actual son. Enjoy having that stepson living with you and his father for many years to come, mom, because he will probably NEVER launch successful and leave your home.
Tell your mother “I’m disappointed in you for not dealing with his bullshit when we’re kids. And im disappointed in you for thinking you could dump him on me now that o have my own place. You’re a fool if you think I will ever have a relationship with him. And right now I’m questioning my relationship with you”
And leave it at that for now
NTA. Sorry, but your mom is delusional if she expects you to invite your stepbrother into your house. He was a little shit when you lived in the same house & I doubt he has changed. He said he saw my collection online and was jealous of all the stuff I have and would love the chance to play games he never could before. He could either try & steal your stuff or damage it so that you couldn’t use it. You are not obligated to have any kind of relationship with him. Period.
NTA
ESH. There is just a continuous tit-for-tat throughout OP’s relationship with his step brother it’s hard to keep score! The parents involved here should have put both of them in therapy and tried to co-parent better in order to foster a less acrimonious relationship between the two boys. It doesn’t sound like there was ever anything close to an impartial arbitrator to try to hammer out things with the two young lads; only two adversarial sets of parents.
Fuck them…Nta
NTA – if he wants something he doesn’t have, why doesn’t his father buy it for him. It’s certainly not your responsible to make someone else’s child happy.
Nah he’s just trying to use you. Don’t let it happen. Keep your peace
NTA. Your mom sucks for forcing you to have a relationship with a bully. Block that loser, don’t believe anything he says because he is just acting kind to get what he wants from you.
Tell your Mom, whatever she does, you will not let that bully step into your father’s home after him mocking you when he’s dead.
I feel sorry for your stepbrother. I don’t know why you’ve chosen to be so hateful toward him.
NTA
Tell your mother the next time she brings this up, you’ll go no contact with her for X months. And the times will keep getting longer with subsequent violations until you go permanently no contact with her. (Up to you to set the details.)
Explain to her that you no longer legally need to stay in contact with her, so if she wants you in her life, then her conversations with you need to be conversations that you enjoy.
Get cameras at your house.
We can’t tell from this.
Do you know what an unreliable narrator is?
See – if it’s absolutely the case that he’s trying to make nice just in order to play the games you now have etc. then you’re right, you’re NTA and you don’t need a relationship with him.
But is it really the case or did your memory rearrange things (nobody can really trust their memory 100%), that he’s actually just trying to improve the relationship and you’re subconsciously inserting motivations etc. Besides games were there other overtures? Only you can tell, none of us here are in a position to know.
NTA. You choose your relationships not your mother. And he wasn’t nice to you so stay true you your course.
Your stepbrother is nice to you because he wants to play your games and move in with you. Your mother is trying to guilt trip you into letting your stepbrother into your life so that she can eventually move him into your dad’s home.
I am really sorry your mom is so selfish, she picked her new family over you and now she wants to palm her stepson off to you. He would thrash your games and your dad’s home and would be a nightmare to evict. NTA, you mom is lucky you are still on speaking terms with her
NTA. It sounds like you and your stepbrother were like oil and water growing up, and it never improved. Sometimes, you just don’t connect with people. Unfortunate for your mom and his dad, but it happens with biosiblings, too.
NTA but i would offer to meet up somewhere else, see if he really just wants to hang out to get access to your stuff or if his attempts at reconciling are genuine
I smell something sinister going on. You both have made it obvious you don’t like each other, he has been jealous of you having stuff in the past, and now you’re supposed to believe that he just wants come over and play your games out of nowhere? Yeah right. How about he make an actual attempt at repairing the relationship first (that doesn’t involve your stuff) to make it believable, instead of expecting you to just hand over your things for his enjoyment?
He probably wanted to come over to destroy your stuff. I guarantee the second he got through that door, either your stuff would get messed up or go missing. You would complain, he’d go crying to your mother playing the victim, and you would be the bad guy. There is no way in hell he has good intentions after the way he had been acting, and he has given you absolutely no reason to ever risk that. Let him go make some friends or get a job if he wants the same setup. You are not his backup plan. NTA.
NTA OP. Change the locks and put up cameras. I can see him breaking into your house.
You’d think between your mom, stepdad and your 18 year old stepbrother, they could have saved for a console over the last 12 years.
NTA
Your mom fostered jealousy in your step-bro. Her constant pressure for you to “share” your dad and the things he provided reinforced step-bro’s belief that he was entitled to your stuff and your dad’s resources.
Even after you moved out, she tried to force step-bro into your home. It’s sad that your mom poisoned the relationship you guys might have developed if she had raised you both to respect other people’s boundaries and privacy. Instead, she scapegoated you and taught step-bro to do it as well.
Your dad left you a lifeline out of that house of manipulation, invalidation and abuse. Your mom still has the child she “favored.” Although she emotionally manipulated and damaged him, too. That damage isn’t yours to heal. You’ve got plenty of your own damage to process, understand and heal from living with them.