Yesterday my boyfriend [m/29] went to take out a bag of household rubbish to put it in the outside bin. I [f/27] am usually the only one who takes out the rubbish, so I was pleasantly surprised when I saw him taking out the rubbish for once. Little to my knowledge, when he took the bag of rubbish outside, the outdoor bin was already full- with the top being some loose items- like his old baseball caps and other random items I had throw out from a wardrobe clean-out earlier in the week. He had opened up the bin, pulled all of these loose items out, thrown them on the ground beside the bin and put the bag in and then walked back inside. He didn’t say a word and I only realized this morning when I got in my car to go to work and saw all the rubbish beside the house. I was running late so I didn’t pick it up.
When I got home, I brought in the empty bins from the street and set them beside the rubbish that was strewn across the footpath/driveway beside the house – leaving the mess for him to clean up. He gets home not long after and comes inside and asks “why didn’t you put the bins back where they go?” and I responded “because you left rubbish all over the ground”. His smirk quickly turned into a scowl and he says “well I guess the bins are staying where they are then”. I responded by saying “You made the mess, why is it up to me to clean up after you?” and he just closed the door and walked away. He’s been in a fowl mood ever since and is barely acknowledging me.
Am I the asshole for not cleaning up his mess? I really don’t understand the logic behind pulling loose items out of a bin when he could have simply placed the bag beside the bin and waited until it was emptied to put it in. I’m bothered because I pretty much always do all of the household chores (aside from handy work, which he does) and feel like I’m always expected to clean up after him. He even scolds me for putting away items he constantly leaves laying around the house, and gets annoyed when I wash his laundry because “it wasn’t even dirty” – yet it was in the pile of dirty clothes in the bathroom, right next to the laundry basket.
EDIT
The items of his that were thrown away were done so with his full consent. I didn’t just chuck out his stuff. His mum actually dropped off boxes of his things months ago when she was doing her own clean out. It sat in the hall untouched for over a week before I went through each item one by one with him to figure out what he wanted to keep and what he wanted to throw away. Everything he wanted to chuck went in a box that has been sitting in our wardrobe for weeks with the intention to donate, but the hats were old and not in the best shape so I just tipped them into the bin! Hope that clears up any idea that he did this out of spite. Not at all the case.
Comments
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Yesterday my boyfriend [m/29] went to take out a bag of household rubbish to put it in the outside bin. I [f/27] am usually the only one who takes out the rubbish, so I was pleasantly surprised when I saw him taking out the rubbish for once. Little to my knowledge, when he took the bag of rubbish outside, the outdoor bin was already full- with the top being some loose items- like his old baseball caps and other random items I had throw out from a wardrobe clean-out earlier in the week. He had opened up the bin, pulled all of these loose items out, thrown them on the ground beside the bin and put the bag in and then walked back inside. He didn’t say a word and I only realized this morning when I got in my car to go to work and saw all the rubbish beside the house. I was running late so I didn’t pick it up.
When I got home, I brought in the empty bins from the street and set them beside the rubbish that was strewn across the footpath/driveway beside the house – leaving the mess for him to clean up. He gets home not long after and comes inside and asks “why didn’t you put the bins back where they go?” and I responded “because you left rubbish all over the ground”. His smirk quickly turned into a scowl and he says “well I guess the bins are staying where they are then”. I responded by saying “You made the mess, why is it up to me to clean up after you?” and he just closed the door and walked away. He’s been in a fowl mood ever since and is barely acknowledging me.
Am I the asshole for not cleaning up his mess? I really don’t understand the logic behind pulling loose items out of a bin when he could have simply placed the bag beside the bin and waited until it was emptied to put it in. I’m bothered because I pretty much always do all of the household chores (aside from handy work, which he does) and feel like I’m always expected to clean up after him. He even scolds me for putting away items he constantly leaves laying around the house, and gets annoyed when I wash his laundry because “it wasn’t even dirty” – yet it was in the pile of dirty clothes in the bathroom, right next to the laundry basket.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Refused to clean up the rubbish my boyfriend pulled put of the bin.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, but he is. Is he always like this?
Info: you mention the items he removed were HIS hats and things YOU cleaned from the wardrobe. Could this be his passive aggressive way of saying he doesn’t appreciate you throwing out his stuff?
Ask him directly what he was thinking when he did that and why he thought it was the best way to resolve the situation. You almost certainly already know the answer but this festering mess needs debriding. NTA.
Break up – why do you allow this abusive AH to treat you that way?
NTA
He made the mess, he cleans it up. You’re not his mother.
YTA for staying. You’re not his mum, hell I wouldn’t accept that behaviour from my 7 year old.
He is definitely an AH, but why put so many loose items in the bin? I would have been afraid that the rubbish collectors would have dropped some and not picked it up ( learned the hard way. Asked the workers why they didn’t pick up the dropped items, they said the items weren’t properly disposed of, and it slows them down to pick it up).
NTA. You should leave the boyfriend at the curb with the rest of the trash.
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NTA. You handled it with the perfect dose of petty logic.
But seriously, he took trash out of the bin to add more trash? What was the logic there? Did the trash need a breather? A little fresh air before its final journey? We need answers.
Sounds like it’s time for a full chore system reboot (you both live there, it should be roughly 50/50). Until then, grab a few baskets. Anytime his stuff is lying around, just chuck it in. Out of sight, out of mind. And when he can’t find his favorite socks? “Have you checked the Basket of Consequences (BoC)?”
Also, stop doing his laundry. Are they next to laundry basket —> goes into BoC.
NTA. He’s rude and abusive. He absolutely expects you to clean up after him and is entitled enough to criticise how you do it without even doing any work himself. Handy work only happens occasionally when something breaks so he’s doing way less than you. He’s also sulking and refusing to discuss the issue so there’s no way to resolve it. Sounds like a fun boyfriend.
He’s a dick. God some men are just shit.
Good lord your guy is a gigantic asshole. Please PLEASE!!! Dump him
NTA. But. You cannot leave the trash indefinitely on your driveway, to get blown around by the wind and pollute the neighbourhood. Your boyfriend knows that and is relying on you to back down.
So now you have two choices, back down and accept this is your life, or refuse to back down and set a hard boundary: if he does not clear up his mess by [reasonable time] and you are forced to do so in his place, the relationship is done. And follow through without looking back. You don’t need a guy who makes messes and assumes you’ll follow him round meekly cleaning up his shit.
Ew, he is so gross. His actions and his attitude. You want that for the rest of your life?
NTA
NTA
…why are you with this child? This is like nine year old level pettiness. You have some thinking to do.
So, you are the one who usually takes out the trash. That alone makes me angry. Does he help with other things? Based on what you have told us, I would say you need to dump him. If he owns the house or pays the rent, or pays most of the bills, you might be caught in a trap. That might be why he has great distain for you and disrespects you. If you own the property or pays most most of the bills, have a serious talk with him. Tell him you will not be taking out the trash, and any passive aggressive sh** from him, like putting trash on the ground will not be tolerated. If that is not agreeable, he needs to leave. If you hate the situation, even though he has all the cards, you need to bite the bullet and pack up and leave.
You know. I’d honestly break up with someone over this kinda shit and I’m big on giving grace. He has showed you a FUCKTON about who he is. Listen to him.
Why are you staying with this overgrown child after his repeated disrespect to you? Get out of this relationship, he doesn’t care about you.
NTA.
I’m sorr y to say, but you need to put him out with the trash.
Puns aside, you are obviously incompatible for living together in that you both need vastly different levels of neatness to be comfortable. This will breed resentment and heartache; in my (long….) experience, that’s not going to change. My GF and I have to continuously and actively work on that and it’s a stressor, despite both being more mellow due to being about double your age.
> His smirk quickly turned into a scowl
And right there is where it’s obvious this is a fiction writing exercise. You need a great deal more practice.
NTA. Let him do his own laundry and share of the chores. If he refuses, consider if you are prepared to live like this. He’s relying on you picking up his slack. He’s got no motivation to change at the moment
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought people who have relationships are suppose to respect each other?
Sounds like he’s being passive aggressive because you threw away his memorabilia
nta but he is
NTA other than to yourself. Put him where his baseball caps are, he’s trash.
He sounds awesome. NTA
>His smirk quickly turned into a scowl
The fact that he was grinning like he won something… he did that on purpose. He wanted you to see the mess, pick up after him and got pissy when you didn’t. What kind of human-looking ghouls are you guys dating? seriously, standards people – just because the world is going to hell doesn’t mean your standards have to join
NTA