So I’ll go straight at it. I recently broke up with my partner of two years. Things were amicable until he suddenly and out of no where suggested we stay “connected,” but in a silent format, no calls, no texts, no acknowledgment of each other, just knowing we were “there.” Still, to me He framed it as a way to soften the break, but it felt manipulative and emotionally confusing at the same time.
So the background story Is that initiated the breakup because I realized we’ve grown in different directions and the relationship no longer felt healthy for either of us. He didn’t argue at all infact he seemed almost relieved. But a few days later, he texted proposing this idea of “silent connection,” saying “this is how we’re doing closure.” I politely declined, saying I felt this wasn’t closure, just an unhealthy limbo and i didn’t want to be in that situation
He got upset, saying I was shutting him out and refusing even the most basic human connection. I feel like I declined because I needed space to heal and the “game” felt toxic. A few mutual friends now think I overreacted, calling me cold and inflexible.
So, AITA for refusing to play along with his “silent game” after the breakup?
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So I’ll go straight at it. I recently broke up with my partner of two years. Things were amicable until he suddenly and out of no where suggested we stay “connected,” but in a silent format, no calls, no texts, no acknowledgment of each other, just knowing we were “there.” Still, to me He framed it as a way to soften the break, but it felt manipulative and emotionally confusing at the same time.
So the background story Is that initiated the breakup because I realized we’ve grown in different directions and the relationship no longer felt healthy for either of us. He didn’t argue at all infact he seemed almost relieved. But a few days later, he texted proposing this idea of “silent connection,” saying “this is how we’re doing closure.” I politely declined, saying I felt this wasn’t closure, just an unhealthy limbo and i didn’t want to be in that situation
He got upset, saying I was shutting him out and refusing even the most basic human connection. I feel like I declined because I needed space to heal and the “game” felt toxic. A few mutual friends now think I overreacted, calling me cold and inflexible.
So, AITA for refusing to play along with his “silent game” after the breakup?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to go along with my ex’s request to maintain a ‘silent connection’ after our breakup. He and some friends feel I was cold and dismissive, so I’m wondering if I was wrong to set that boundary
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. “Silent connection” sounds like an emotionally confusing limbo at best and manipulative at worst. You broke up for a reason, and needing space to heal isn’t being cold, it’s being sane. Real closure comes from moving on, not staying tethered in a weird, no-contact limbo.
NTA. He just wants to be able to lurk around your social media which is not a pathway to some kind of closure, and it’s creepy as hell. I believe “closure” after a breakup is a myth anyway. You are not obligated to allow him to stay in your life in any capacity after a breakup.
NTA.
This post doesn’t make sense. By all accounts – “no calls, no texts, no acknowledgment of each other” – this person doesn’t actually want anything to do with you. I don’t see how this is “limbo” or a “game” or “manipulative.”
>He got upset, saying I was shutting him out and refusing even the most basic human connection
But what this person wants is apparently no contact? Like I’m aware my exes exist…but that’s not a connection. We don’t talk, text, follow each other, acknowledge each others’ existence, or interact in any way. Breakups were amicable, there was just no need to maintain any further relationship. What you claim this person is asking for isn’t abnormal at all (and is arguably healthier than a lot of these people asking to be “friends” or whatever).
I just don’t get where the game is here. I feel like some details are missing?
NTA. The relationship has ended. There is no need to have any sort of connection. It seems like he just wants to continue to have access to your life in some way, maybe hoping that you’ll change your mind. Either way, you’re better off cutting him off and moving in with your life.
NTA – He wants a connection to weasel his way back in.
Disconnect, block, delete and move on.
I cannot figure out what you said No to. I am trying but it makes no sense to me at all. What did he even want?
NTA. What even is a silent connection? I mean, if you don’t acknowledge or talk to each other, then what should you be doing? Just keeping each other in your minds and hearts? How funny.
But anyway, he’s making it seem as if you owe him this. In reality, you have the right to choose how to heal and move on from your breakup. Those mutual friends of yours are pretty toxic as well. Why should you be flexible with someone you’ve already broken up with? Being a people-pleaser does more harm than good. Great job for standing your ground.
NTA. You broke up with him. You don’t have to now agree to sort of stay together in some way.
I’m confused . . . have you been in contact with this person?
If so, they’re simply saying they want to cut off contact.
If not, it makes little sense.
Dude, just be like a normal person and ask a friend if you can borrow their phone for a minute.
He has no right to your connection but it doesn’t sound manipulative just lost and adrift. You aren’t his morings though NTA
Staying connected to people you don’t want to be connected to is some weird kind of hostage behavior. Let’s normalize no longer being friends w people we aren’t dating anymore. Move on. Stop dragging people behind you. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
I’ve only held on to one person after a break up bc I actively wanted them back. Now we’re getting married. Everyone else on the ex list is happily and wonderfully not part of my life anymore. Why would I waste another minute of my precious time on them when I could be spending it on the one I love?
NTA. Drop the baggage and enjoy the rest of your life. Block and move it along. You don’t need any of this weird passive aggressive, hold on to me just because energy. Better believe this lame-o will come out of no where months from now trying to make you feel like shit or try to weasel back in w some low quality lame ex energy.
Why bother? It’s over. You’re done. Be done.
BF’s suggestion sounds pretty weird… is it passive control? And for the life of me what is “closure”? The relationship is over, he should move on, like you have. NTA
In what world would you ever be an AH for saying no to meaningless sex you don’t want to have?
I don’t even understand what that means. Silent connection? Boy bye. Block.
I’m confused – what exactly was he proposing? How do you “stay connected” with no calls, texts, or acknowledgement?
Regardless, you are well within your rights and NTA at all to politely decline whatever it was he was offering/asking for. You’re broken up now, any staying in touch should be by mutual agreement only. And I have plenty of friends that have plenty of exes they’ve stayed on good terms with, what all of them had in common was taking space first, and respecting the space each other needed. (as in, not getting back in contact until both were feeling good about doing so).
NTA but this is so confusing. So, you’re not calling, texting, or even acknowledging each other’s existence. What are you guys doing that makes this a “connection” in any way? Because it sounds like you’ve broken off contact entirely.
NTA that’s weird AF
Op is nta. 😂 not saying this is his reason, but it might be because he’s seeing someone else, or wanted to.. but he’s wanting to keep you in his back pocket, for a just in case.
NTA
this exact same thing happened to me and I fell for it. My ex got accepted into a uni 5 hours away. When he told.me the news I was happy but also sad he was going away. After making plans and discussing how we could.make it work to fit both our needs I was super reassured we had a great plan, visiting on major holidays, finding a train that goes there easy etc.
Now apparently he fell out of love with me because I felt a bit of sadness he was leaving. I thought it was a normal response in addition to my excitement for his opportunity and my pride in his accomplishment. Anyways he said he much preferred his co-workers reaction of fangirling over the situation (someone whom he flirted before and after us).
Anyways he led me on for a month. When he “broke up” with me it was a soft break. He didn’t want to end things clean there but made it seem like there was a chance we were gonna get back together when in reality he was absolutely uninterested in me. He didn’t want to see each other at all, the whole break up/space conversation even began bc he wanted no physical contact with me so I asked what was wrong.
He basically wanted to do the breakup on his training wheels so he could transition easier despite knowing he wanted to move on ultimately. I should have taken my L and moved on faster. It was an extremely painful month for me and over a decade later it still cuts like a sharp knife in my mind. We dated for 3 years and I gave up so much of my identity for him. I’m glad it ended
Stick to your decision. It is manipulative. You’re “friends” are full of shit, be as cold as YOU need to be in order to extricate yourself from Capt manipulator
NTA and it seems like he is trying to control you still.
A clean break and a few months of zero contact has been the best way to deal with break ups, in my experience.
NTA wtf that’s something the former partner thought about since before the break up.
Fuck tha r im on your side