My ex (42m) and I (37f) share custody of our 13 year old daughter and 12 year old son. While I was recovering in hospital from our son’s complicated birth he left me for his current wife Paula (35f). They tried to use my vulnerable and weakened state to get custody of the kids, which luckily failed. The divorce took almost two years because my ex and Paula wanted the house he and I shared and he was trying to insist the house was 100% his when it was not. In the end the house was sold and we split the money 50-50 which was what I had been waiting for.
Custody was 50-50 but with me having sole decision making abilities (education and medical). This was because of a fight he engaged in over several things before our divorce was even finalized and because he admitted he would make decisions with Paula and would not consult me. The judge did not take kindly to that.
There was a period starting when our kids were 6 and 7 where I had custody for almost two years. My ex and Paula engaged in a ton of parental alienation, attempted to interfere in the kids being in therapy and went hard on trying to make the kids call Paula mom. They had to engage in co-parenting and parenting classes on top of therapy before unsupervised visitation and later custody were restored.
The relationship between ex and myself remains sour. The relationship between Paula and myself doesn’t exist. We hate each other and we avoid each other. I hate my ex too but that’s born more from disgust about how he has put Paula before our kids with his actions. He doesn’t care how much their actions hurt them.
Our kids do not have a positive relationship with Paula and my ex has complained about their disrespect of her in the past. But he never provided examples. Recently this changed and he wanted me to continue a punishment of our daughter that he set.
My ex and Paula tried to have children of their own and have been unsuccessful. Then two months ago Paula was diagnosed with cervical cancer. A few weeks after her diagnosis my ex and Paula tried to set the kids up to help Paula out around the house and help take care of her when they’re with him. Paula said she’d need her babies more than ever and my daughter told her she wouldn’t help and she doesn’t care that Paula has cancer. My ex demanded she apologize but my daughter refused. He emailed me the next night stating I need to be on his side and ground her for at least 30 days and longer if she refuses to apologize. He said she cannot get away with speaking to Paula that way and she might as well have wished her dead. He said our son might also need to be punished because he appears to share the sentiment but did not state it aloud. I told him I would not be grounding our daughter for a month or longer and he needed to reflect on their behavior to see why she responded as she did and why our son appears to share the sentiment.
I spoke to both kids when they returned to my home. My daughter said she hates that her dad and Paula expect them to care for Paula when she does everything to be awful to me and never cared if the things said about me hurt her and her brother. She said she was tired of them acting like Paula was their mom. My son said he doesn’t want to help Paula but didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to be punished. He said Paula used to wish for me to be sick like that and he didn’t think it was fair to ask them to help because of that.
My ex has repeatedly emailed me asking if I have grounded our daughter yet. He’s name called and accused me of trying to curse Paula via our kids. He then said I was failing as a mother. That I was letting adult issues turn the kids into awful people. I won’t say any of what he said has made me feel guilty. But I suppose I am reflecting on if I’m not doing the best by my kids. For me their feelings are valid and I don’t think they’re wrong about how Paula has earned them not wanting to help. But I may just be too close to reasonably assess this. So I’m here asking AITA?
Edited to fix an error.
Comments
NTA, take this to court. There’s no way this isn’t grounds for custody revision
NTA.
The key here is that your daughter didn’t say it unprompted, or because she even wished Paula ill. She was responding to someone forcing her into being a caretaker and not respecting her boundaries by pretending there’s a relationship there. Paula’s chickens have come home to roost, and your daughter is not the keeper of her health or feelings. Your husband is bitter that he didn’t succeed in replacing you.
If I were you I’d do what they did – use her vulnerable state and the fact that apparently she is unable to care for herself to revise visitation. Seems like two kids in the house is too much for them to deal with at this difficult time.
NTA. Those two are. I guess Paula got what she wished for you to have. Don’t blame the kids either. If your awful ex keeps harassing you it might be a good time to go back to court. You don’t want your kids in more toxic environment than already is. I personally would be ruthless.
NTA Your husband and Paula (also check your post because you called her something else in the middle of it) Have brought this lack of empathy and concern by your children on themselves. They spent so many years disregarding what was actually best for the children and that was to have a good and amicable as possible, co-parenting relationship with their mother. They selfishly chose to put their own feelings first. And this is just the culmination of that. You should not hold an iota of guilt on your shoulders. They are responding to the environment they have been forced to live in. They do not want to help someone who has been unkind and downright nasty about their mother. They are entitled to feel that way. It would be wrong of you to try to make them feel some other kind of way. Your children don’t lack empathy, their dad and stepmother lack awareness and personal accountability.
I hate when people try to force their kids to love their new partners. I have a stepdad who I adore and is so much better than my bio dad, but our relationship grew to be that way because it had the space and time to do so. You’re definitely NTA and you should absolutely go back to court. I hope he gets his head out of his ass and can be an actual father for your kiddos.
NTA. Karma spun the block on your ex & his AH wife & its not your kids job to be her damn nurses. Good news is your ex is pretty much guaranteeing that once your kids are old enough to decide,they’ll be distancing themselves without you having to say anything
NTA. If they want to turn your kids into her caregivers, you need to call your lawyer now.
Support the children. Go for full custody. The way they treat children would enrage a judge and he would end joint custody. You can’t force anyone to like someone else. Tell your husband he cannot force a relationship.
If you haven’t already done so, begin using the parenting app. Document everything and update your lawyer.
NTA. Man it really stinks when the consequences of being a butthead to someone your kids care about come back to bite you huh? I would MAYBE talk to kids about how while their feelings are completely valid and not something to be punished for, it never hurts to try to be kind or at least civil even to the worst people. Not for those people, but for themselves. But that’s heavy and would need to be navigated carefully. You don’t want your daughter to think she doesn’t have you as a safe space for her feelings. Same with her brother.
Your kids seem to be old enough to decide which parent they want to stay with. Let the courts decide.
NTA
Though I don’t think it was correct for your daughter to say that out loud as it was strictly to be hurtful, everything that the woman has made you and your children go through makes sense as to why she does not care about the step getting cancer.
Does not mean your daughter deserves to be punished indefinitely, which is what your ex seems to be going for.
You may want to talk to your daughter about what to keep to herself so that your ex does not continuously punish her every time she visits. Or, you may want your kids to keep track of the punishments they get assigned for not caring that she has it. Not caring about someone who destroyed your family isn’t a reason to be punished. Even though they were to young to see it when it happened they got to see and experience everything they tried to do to you and them as they grew up.
If they keep punishing your kids for how they feel about the situation you may want to try to get a change in custody agreement made. It’s not healthy for them to be treated poorly because they don’t care about someone who has made their lives awful.
NTA
Echoing the sentiments about going back to court. They want your MINOR children to be comfort objects and care takers, that with copies of your ex’s emails should be more than enough to get custody revised.
NTA and they’re not her babies. She’s a gross woman, and it sounds like Karma bit them both in the ass.
Honestly, I’ve been through ALL the cancer treatments, and lived alone through them. While everyone’s cancer journey is unique, chances are that stepmom will have surgery, and while she’s recovering for a week or two, she will be limited to carrying 10# or so – about a gallon of milk. After the biopsy results come back, you find out if there were clear margins or if chemo or radiation or some sort of prescription are called for.
Most people can work through chemo and radiation. They might be down and out a bit in the later chemo treatments for about 3-4 days.
Family should be expected to perhaps step up a bit, but really, life will move forward with a minimum of disruption in most cases.
There are family resources for cancer patients that outline what to expect.
Your ex and his wife are MASSIVELY overreacting to the initial diagnosis. I had a bad pap smear with (pre?)-cancerous cells and the dug them out in the office and it was never an issue going forward.
You are smart to tell your husband you won’t reinforce bad punishments. If your daughter stole a car and took it for a joy ride, yea, the two of you should enact some punishment. Calling a stepmother with whom she has a testy relationship bad names doesn’t add up to a month’s worth of grounding.
Soft YTA, the kids don’t need to like her, and even put some boundaries and say they won’t help and/or care for her, STILL, they shouldn’t be rude especially when someone is going through pain, and kids can become even more ah if left like this, instead try to speak with them.
Their emotions are valid but rudeness is not.
They are trash!
NTA but with Paula being ill, maybe you need to go back to the courts with this new information and see if you can cut down their visits to supervised weekend visits. They shouldn’t have to be anyone’s caretaker. Especially when they despise the woman.
NTA try to get in writing some of what dad expected the kids to do regarding the care of Paula. Go back to court and explain this is untenable and that your kids are not caretakers. Of course you don’t ‘continue’ the punishment because it is ridiculous. Sounds like ex and his wife are top rate narcissists and that they think everything should be about them.
Thank goodness your kids have you.
Your kids arr 12 and 13.
There’s no way that they haven’t figured out the history of your break up yet.
And on top of that they know that your ex and Paula are actively trying to make your life difficult.
They don’t need to pretend to care for someone that only wanted a relationship with them to “one up” their mother.
NtA
You need to have a serious talk with your daughter about what she said. She doesn’t have to like her, but her cruelty is inexcusable
nta he really doesn’t learn. He’ll keep getting himself in trouble if you take him back to court for his behavior.
This honestly reads like karma farming ragebait. It’s Reddit bingo of (i) wicked stepmother wanting to be called mom (ii) cheating (iii) forcing the children to be caretakers (iv) ‘AITA even though I have presented a veritable smorgasbord of data that makes me an angelic victim’
As someone with unfortunate copious experience of family court, there’s almost no way your ex got 50/50 custody in this case.
Assuming this is true, you should probably focus less on whether you’re an AH and more on getting your kids into therapy & amending your custody order.
NTA. A CHILD should not be taking care of an adult period. I think it’s time to go back to sole custody
Your ex is upset that he will have to look after Paula rather than being able to foist that onto his children. NTA for not punishing your daughter because she doesn’t want to be the caregiver to someone she dislikes.
NTA. I would let ex know that the behavior has been addressed appropriately. Because it has.
NTA. As you rightfully presented to your ex, the kids are responding to the environment created by him and their step-mom. You could ask your kids to try and be more careful with words and some actions around the woman — she is sick, after all, and cancer is no joke, makes everyone more emotional –, even if it is only to give them an easier time around their father’s house, but they do not deserve to be punished by situations grow-ups have build themselves. Maybe you should also emphasise that to your ex, who is not seeing the big picture.
If they’ve actively been trying wouldn’t she be regularly seeing her doctor? That would leave me to believe it should’ve been caught early enough she wouldn’t need a care taker. I say this as someone who had cervical cancer for five years.
Nta
Nta
Karma certainly is a you-know-what.
Ex is reaping what he sowed.
You can’t force kids to love or respect you.
What does he think punishing your children will do?
Make them resent your ex and his wife even more.
Please take him back to court and let the judge know that your ex is trying to force your children into unpaid servitude, taking care of his wife. I think that’s a basis for sole custody.
Are they not old enough yet to decide who they want to stay with?
NTA, and make sure you save every nasty email that he has sent you when you go to court. You also need to get on a parenting app. We’re all communication only goes through that app. I would also take your kids out for some great times and post it everywhere (petty me). Tell your ex-husband that when evil step monster apologizes for all the hurtful things she said about you to your children, and maybe your daughter will consider speaking to her.