Hi Reddit. I’m a 19-year-old F college student, currently majoring in nursing. My dad 38 M is in prison for money laundering, and ever since he’s been incarcerated, he’s been asking me to do things that I’m just not comfortable with. Some of these things started before he even went in.
For example, he asked me to take care of one of my younger brothers (half-brother) who just turned 10 I say half- brother so you can understand we have different mothers I love him deeply, but the 10-year-old’s mom isn’t the most attentive parent. He often isn’t clean, has untreated eczema that’s so bad he scratches himself into sores, and generally looks unkept. It’s sad and upsetting to see, because I didn’t experience any of this as a child and I he doesn’t deserve that. My dad told me I should call her and “make sure she’s doing right by him.” I told him no, that it’s not my place. She’s a grown woman and that’s her child. Trying to call her and tell her what to do would likely come off as judgmental or cause tension, especially since she and my mom have had altercations in the past. I don’t want to get in the middle of that drama or risk making the situation worse.
He got mad that I wouldn’t call her, but that’s just one example. More recently, he’s been pressuring me to create a PayPal account using my name and credit so he can send money out. I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with that either, especially because he’s literally in prison for money laundering. I’m a student taking out loans, and I have to protect my credit and name. When I refused, he got upset and accused me of not helping the family.
He also expects me to drive home every weekend (I live about 2 hours away) to basically co-parent my little brother — take him out, be with him, spend the weekend like I’m his fun guardian. But I’m in college full time with a demanding major. It’s just not realistic for me to give up every weekend like that, mentally, physically, or financially.
There’s a pattern: when I say “no,” he either guilt-trips me or acts like I’m letting the whole family down. It’s taking a toll on me, and I’m starting to feel like I’m being used more than I’m being supported.
So… AITA for setting these boundaries and refusing to do what he asks?
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Hi Reddit. I’m a 19-year-old F college student, currently majoring in nursing. My dad 38 M is in prison for money laundering, and ever since he’s been incarcerated, he’s been asking me to do things that I’m just not comfortable with. Some of these things started before he even went in.
For example, he asked me to take care of one of my younger brothers (half-brother) who just turned 10 I say half- brother so you can understand we have different mothers I love him deeply, but the 10-year-old’s mom isn’t the most attentive parent. He often isn’t clean, has untreated eczema that’s so bad he scratches himself into sores, and generally looks unkept. It’s sad and upsetting to see, because I didn’t experience any of this as a child and I he doesn’t deserve that. My dad told me I should call her and “make sure she’s doing right by him.” I told him no, that it’s not my place. She’s a grown woman and that’s her child. Trying to call her and tell her what to do would likely come off as judgmental or cause tension, especially since she and my mom have had altercations in the past. I don’t want to get in the middle of that drama or risk making the situation worse.
He got mad that I wouldn’t call her, but that’s just one example. More recently, he’s been pressuring me to create a PayPal account using my name and credit so he can send money out. I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with that either, especially because he’s literally in prison for money laundering. I’m a student taking out loans, and I have to protect my credit and name. When I refused, he got upset and accused me of not helping the family.
He also expects me to drive home every weekend (I live about 2 hours away) to basically co-parent my little brother — take him out, be with him, spend the weekend like I’m his fun guardian. But I’m in college full time with a demanding major. It’s just not realistic for me to give up every weekend like that, mentally, physically, or financially.
There’s a pattern: when I say “no,” he either guilt-trips me or acts like I’m letting the whole family down. It’s taking a toll on me, and I’m starting to feel like I’m being used more than I’m being supported.
So… AITA for setting these boundaries and refusing to do what he asks?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to contact my younger half-brother’s mother to tell her how to care for him and also refused to create a PayPal and let my incarcerated dad use my credit for financial activity. I also said no to coming home every weekend to take care of my little brother since I’m a full-time nursing student living two hours away. I believe I might be the asshole because my dad thinks I’m being selfish and not helping the family. I’m worried that saying no makes me seem uncaring or like I’m abandoning my responsibilities as the oldest child.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
I’m so sorry, but this is where you cut ties.
NTA Why do you continue to have contact? Time to protect yourself.
NTA. HE let the family down the moment he was convicted. You shouldn’t feel obligated to fix his problems while he’s locked up.
Absolutely not, you’re not the asshole. In fact, you’re incredibly strong and self-aware for setting boundaries in a situation that’s emotionally complex and layered with guilt, pressure, and past family conflict.
You’re 19, managing a full-time college workload in a demanding major, and already doing far more than most people your age would, or could. Wanting to protect your credit, mental health, and emotional energy doesn’t make you selfish; it makes you responsible. You’re not saying you don’t care, you’re recognizing that you have limits, and that’s something many people struggle with well into adulthood.
You clearly love your younger brother and care about his well-being. The fact that you’re even thinking about how he’s being treated shows that. But trying to parent him or step into conflict with his mother isn’t your responsibility, and it’s not fair that you’re being pressured to take that on.
Your dad’s request about the PayPal account is especially concerning, you’re 100% right to say no. Protecting your name and financial future is not betrayal; it’s survival. And frankly, he’s asking you to potentially put yourself at risk for the same kind of thing he got in trouble for. That’s not okay.
Keep setting boundaries. You’re doing the right thing, even if it’s hard. You’re not abandoning your family, you’re just refusing to be exploited.
NTA. Your father is trying to get you to take over his own responsibilities. It’s understandable that he is frustrated/upset that he can’t fulfill his responsibilities himself. But that doesn’t mean he gets to foist them on you. You have your own responsibilities and your own life. Keep on setting the boundaries. Keep on living your life, not his.
NTA. Refer to child protection services, and get on living your life. As a nursing student you will have professionals at the university who can advise on safeguarding matters, will be worth tapping their experience here for more support.
NTA. Your boundaries don’t go far enough in my view.
Personally, I wouldn’t be taking your father’s calls any longer. I’d buy my little brother a secret prepaid phone so he could reach me but cut off that side of the family. I’d also report your little brothers neglect to CPS.
Then i’d lock down my credit, change my phone number and get on with my life. This isn’t going to get better when your dad gets out to no job, no money, and easier access to you.
Also, having read your other comment, I’d be trying to find another way to fund my education. I’d rather be taking loans than be blackmailed for money.
YTA to yourself. Stop visiting him and start seeing a psychologist
NAH. He has to ask. You can say no. If he continues, you gotta limit contact with him.
NTA. Stop accepting his phone calls so you don’t have to listen to him. Any letters or emails get left unopened or returned to sender. You have the power now to make your life your own.
NTA. Especially over the financial requests.
But.
As a trainee nurse, you’re going to see many many neglect cases of people of all ages and need in your career.
Please do something for your sibling whether it’s get him medical care, speaking to his mum, or raising your concerns about his needs with his school nurse. Never ignore neglect, it can lead to terrible things for the victims when people turn blind eyes.
Geez , this is simple. Stop talking to him anytime he suggests such stupid shit. Frankly a call to CPS would be inline.
For those who didn’t see this: I have cut ties multiple times but I need help paying for school. There was a point in time from fifth grade all the way to my Junior year in high school. We went no contact ( that’s a whole other story) and he inconsistently paid child support and it was all on my mother.
She has never asked me to pay for school, but I only talk to him truly so he can pay for school, with the money he left behind. I have to talk to my grandmother (his mom) to get that money so if I don’t talk to him, I don’t get the money. I don’t want have to put the pressure on my mom or other family members to help me pay for school. This is the only reason why I’m still talking to him.
NTA, do not do any of that, especially the money part. Your siblings are not your responsibility.
If he tries to blame you and says you are letting the whole family down, tell him he let everyone down by committing a crime and being incarcerated!!
Everything stems from his bad choices, not you
NTA
You are an adult.
You can refuse to do what you don’t feel comfortable doing.
NTA- you know who’s “letting the family down?” The asshole who broke the law and ended up in jail. Fuck that guy.
He is in jail but you let the family down? His priorities are not in the right order
NTA. Your father is the one who let the family down by being a criminal and getting busted.
Girl. This man is in PRISON. The only way he can get in touch with you is if you allow it. So STOP. What the hell 🤦♀️ NTA.
No. He got himself into this mess it’s his job to talk to bm not you. If he had really wanted someone to parent his child responsibly he should have thought about that before he put himself into this situation
NTA so why isn’t he calling half bro’s mom himself? Sounds like he’s shifting everything on to you and not making sure you’re well. Just unloading a bunch of his responsibilities on your shoulders, while trying to control everything behind the scenes.
Also, why can’t grandma make the paypal or give cash to half bro?
NTA
Tell your Dad that if he cared so much about family he shouldn’t have broke the law and gotten himself sent to prison.
Tell him if he has concerns about his son’s Mom’s ability to parent he should call CPS.
Tell him that just because he’s ruined his own life it doesn’t mean you have any intention of following in his footsteps. So no you won’t be letting a money launderer anywhere near your finances and no you won’t be giving up important studying & resting time to go and do his parental duties for him.
It’s ok for you to not speak to him for a while. And it’s quite easy to achieve with him in prison, just stop visiting or answering his calls. Let him figure his own shit out & concentrate on your own life and don’t feel guilty for it.
NTA You are being used instead of supported. But even if you continue contact, you can cut it way down. Be straight with him that you will not be making any accounts for him to use going forward (gj with that so far) and that you will occasionally visit your brothers, but they are not your responsibility. Then ignore any requests he sends you asking for those things. Email him once a week, but keep it light. Ignore any demands that week. If you want, don’t even bother to read his emails. Maintain contact, but do it on your terms. If it gets too frustrating, you could even have AI write a bunch of emails for you and schedule them to go out once a week, and then go on with your life without personal contact. There’s not much he can do from prison.
These ideas are adapted from a term called “grey rocking” where you pretend to be a rock when crosses your boundaries. There’s lots on it on the internet.
NTA, Stop accepting his calls.
Just to cut straight to the child neglect issue- definitely need to report that and get the little guy medical treatment and social worker involvement.
NTA. As others have said contact child protection services for your step brother. Cut and block all communication with your father for your own sanity and safety. He cannot manipulate you if he can’t not contact you. You have no obligation or responsibility for his other child.
Y T A to yourself by continuing contact with your father.
Nta, but you can simply limit conversations wkth your dad. If he makes you uncomfortable, why not put the ohone down? Saying that, you should contact cps about the neglect of your half brother.