I (F26) have always been a bit of a “word nerd”; I read a lot as a child, majored in English literature, and currently work in publishing. I therefore have a large vocabulary by nature. I don’t use “big words” on purpose to sound intelligent or to offend people; it’s just the way I talk, especially when I’m excited or engaged in a conversation.
It has been brought up recently by two of my close friends (F25 and F27). One of them made the joke, “You need to carry a dictionary around if you’re going to talk like that,” when I was discussing a book I loved with them over dinner a few weeks ago. After I dismissed it with a laugh, she said, “No, you really ruin the atmosphere. You seem to be trying to show off or perform.” According to the other friend, I occasionally “make people feel dumb on purpose.”
To be honest, I was hurt. I’ve never made fun of or corrected someone for not knowing a word. I made an effort to clarify that I don’t mean to offend anyone and that this is simply how I express myself. However, they said that since “no one wants to feel like they’re back in school,” I could “tone it down” when we hang out.
Since then, I’ve been more private and have simply stopped talking as much when we’re together. Every time I open my mouth, I feel self-conscious. I brought this up to another friend (M29), who stated that it’s not my duty to minimise myself in order to appease others, and that it sounds like they’re projecting and insecure.
Now, my first friend texted me to say that I’ve been “moody and distant” and that I’m being a victim, even though “all they asked was to not use words that make them feel stupid.”
I’m truly perplexed now—AITA for not wanting to alter my natural speech pattern? Or are they correct and I should have simply made the necessary adjustments without bringing it up?
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I (F26) have always been a bit of a “word nerd”; I read a lot as a child, majored in English literature, and currently work in publishing. I therefore have a large vocabulary by nature. I don’t use “big words” on purpose to sound intelligent or to offend people; it’s just the way I talk, especially when I’m excited or engaged in a conversation.
It has been brought up recently by two of my close friends (F25 and F27). One of them made the joke, “You need to carry a dictionary around if you’re going to talk like that,” when I was discussing a book I loved with them over dinner a few weeks ago. After I dismissed it with a laugh, she said, “No, you really ruin the atmosphere. You seem to be trying to show off or perform.” According to the other friend, I occasionally “make people feel dumb on purpose.”
To be honest, I was hurt. I’ve never made fun of or corrected someone for not knowing a word. I made an effort to clarify that I don’t mean to offend anyone and that this is simply how I express myself. However, they said that since “no one wants to feel like they’re back in school,” I could “tone it down” when we hang out.
Since then, I’ve been more private and have simply stopped talking as much when we’re together. Every time I open my mouth, I feel self-conscious. I brought this up to another friend (M29), who stated that it’s not my duty to minimise myself in order to appease others, and that it sounds like they’re projecting and insecure.
Now, my first friend texted me to say that I’ve been “moody and distant” and that I’m being a victim, even though “all they asked was to not use words that make them feel stupid.”
I’m truly perplexed now—AITA for not wanting to alter my natural speech pattern? Or are they correct and I should have simply made the necessary adjustments without bringing it up?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> > We need to know (1) what action you took that should be judged and (2) why that action might make you the asshole.
I refused to change the way I speak; including my vocabulary and communication style; around my friends, even after they said it made them feel uncomfortable or unintelligent.
Because my refusal could be seen as inconsiderate or dismissive of their feelings, and it may come across like I prioritize sounding smart over maintaining an inclusive and relaxed dynamic in our friendship group.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH. Your tribe has informed you of their feelings of this behavior. Their feelings are valid. How you feel learning their feelings is valid. How you decide to move forward, how they decided to move in reaction to your move, also valid.
Not all tribes are everlasting.
NTA. I think it’s funny that they say you’re playing the victim…while they play the victim? If a few words is all it takes to make them feel bad about themselves I kind of feel sorry for them. Sometimes we grow in separate directions and that’s okay. I would just open up to other relationships more and let this one fit in where it will.
Info: can you give an example of some words they have complained about?
NTA. You’re not making anyone feel stupid. If someone has trouble with your vocabulary, they can deal with it, or not. You’re not doing anything malicious, and you’re not responsible for what’s going on in their head.
INFO: What were the words that made them feel stupid?
NTA, you may need to elevate your company however. They likely “feel stupid” regardless of whom they’re around so that shouldn’t be something to concern yourself with.
NTA Your friends are projecting their insecurity onto you. Instead of feeling dumb for not knowing the same words you do, they should be proud that someone they categorize as “smart” thinks they are interesting and fun enough to befriend.
NTA unless you’re doing it on purpose and being pretentious
NTA.
NTA. I’m the same way People make jokes about it, but they’re clearly meant to be lighthearted. No one tells me to stop because it’s not that serious.
NTA at all, and these people are not your friends! The fact that they are uncomfortable about the words you use is their problem, not yours, and no, you should not have to modify your personal behavior to make them feel more comfortable.
This is obviously an element of your personal behavior. If I’m bugged by someone’s behavior, I will distance myself from them, not demand that they change their behavior to make me feel more comfortable. Sounds like you’re all just incompatible. Nothing wrong with that.
I’d stop hanging out with these “friends.” You don’t have to justify your vocabulary to anybody.
Just send them this: https://tenor.com/en-GB/view/severance-milchick-seth-milchick-severancesky-praise-kier-gif-8792649930988178163
NTA.
I use “big words” in conversation too, and I’ll tell you what, I am forever surprised at what some people think of as a “big word.” A lot of people do that and it’s fine. A lot of people do it in a way that’s super pretentious and obnoxious. The way your friends are talking, I’m going to guess that you’re not in the latter category; you’re just hitting them in the insecurities and they want that to be your problem instead of theirs.
It’s kind of their problem if words make them feel stupid. That insecurity is 100% on them. Nobody’s going to give them a vocabulary test afterward. What you do about it depends on how much you’re committed to being friends with them. You could try toning it down a little, but if you do that and they’re still complaining, maybe you’ve all just kind of grown apart.
You need to find new friends. Your friends are assholes.
NTA. But I’m not sure I believe you. In none of your post did you use big words.
NTA. It sounds like these friends just aren’t that compatible with you. You absolutely should not change the perfectly reasonable way that you express yourself, in order to fit in with a couple of people who currently happen to be in your circle.
These women sound very insecure. That’s likely why they feel inadequate when talking to you, and are trying to pass this insecurity along by criticising your vocabulary choices.
I’m afraid it will do you no good to allow them to do this. Your self esteem is crucial for your future happiness; it would be a very bad idea to let anyone chip away at that at this stage.
So I would be taking action to secure this. You could try talking with them about that exact topic:- all of your self esteem, that is, and how none of you should be attacking that in order to shore up their own, which is not particularly effective, in any case.
But if they are already resistant to your expressing yourself in more complex ways, I do realise this would have a limited chance of success. Which unfortunately leaves only the option of seeking the company of friends who do support your self esteem and make you feel valid, such as the other friend you spoke to after.
Stay strong: don’t cave to pressure to dim your light, and I am sure you will in time build a strong circle who are a better fit for your interests and personality, and who are careful to regard your interests along with their own. Wishing you all the best. You will do just fine.
NTA
Your male friend is right here. You shouldn’t have to dumb yourself down to make others feel good. Your other friends are just self conscious because they don’t have the vocabulary you do.
NTA these sound like shitty friends. I can’t imagine my friends telling me that a part of my personality sucks and I need to change it to appease them. Real friends accept your quirks and love you for who you are. As far as them feeling dumb that’s a them thing, they’re choosing to feel insulted when it sounds like you haven’t done anything besides be yourself.
Judgment is hard to give without knowing what words you are using. Are they such obscure words that people might infer that you’re using them to show off your education?
Or are you just not speaking in annoying text talk or constantly saying literally?
I lean NTA because if you speak in the same manner in which you posted this, it’s the latter.
NTA but an important part of all communication is being clear and knowing how to cater to your audience. Using words people around you aren’t likely to understand doesn’t serve you or them. Save the big, more obscure words for those likely to understand them.
Lmao
NTA, your “friends” are idiots.
Your friends are dicks or you could say that they are puerile reactants and covetous of your immense grasp of your mother language.
Those are not your friends! The person who told you not to dumb yourself down for them, is a friend!
>I brought this up to another friend (M29), who stated that it’s not my duty to minimise myself in order to appease others, and that it sounds like they’re projecting and insecure.
I agree 100% with friend M29, and I am super pissed at friends F25 and F27 on your behalf. Or maybe I should say I am infuriated by their unconscionable anti-intellectualism 😉
NTA
they are absolutely projecting their insecurities onto you. not your fault you have a great vocabulary! its also not your fault they dont! maybe you could join a book club or something and make friends who wont care about how you speak
You’re not an AH- don’t dumb yourself down. It’s their issue that they are trying to put on you. I think you need friends that have higher confidence, so they don’t feel the need to dim your light.
Invest time into people who are growth mindset, and that you feel pull you up and that inspire you versus friends that want to drag you down. This will be important as you get older- the former is a support system, the latter is the peanut gallery.
Your friend (29 M) already gave you the best advice- never minimize yourself to appease others. I can’t imagine asking a friend to carefully choose the words they use around me. Don’t blame your for feeling self-conscious though, that’s a really awkward demand your other ‘friends’ laid on you.
You need smarter friends, ones with self confidence.
Tell them to devour feculence
“Them hating bitches kill the vibes, fuck it live your life.”
Fuck them birches. You need new friends.
Language is for communication, your friends don’t understand what your saying. What is the point?
YTA. Weird you wrote this Reddit post without a single word anyone would need to look up, but you make it a point to speak that way around friends?
Sounds like they don’t need you to feel stupid, they do that quite spectacularly all on their own.
NTA.
INFO: Can you provide some examples of vocabulary that they find pretentious or whatever? At this point I definitely think it’s NTA but I’m curious especially since I wouldn’t say your post has any any difficult or obscure vocab.
Get smarter friends.
I fell in love with a woman because of her impressive vocabulary…
You might be. Others have already asked for examples. People who use language to “show off ” have social skill issues.
You’d think a self proclaimed nerd would understand the difference between nature and nurture.
INFO: Please give an example of what you said before someone called you out, and please don’t paraphrase, be specific.
I’m on the fence here. I went to university with a guy that used big words all the time. He was honestly hard to understand. We didn’t feel stupid though, he wasn’t any smarter – he just used unnecessarily large words in casual conversations. It was just all so very unnecessary!! We (females) just considered him a pretentious twit.
I don’t know…what kinds of words are we talking about here and how often is this happening? I want to say NTA—I’m a word nerd myself— but what is the point of communicating if people don’t understand you? If you’re regularly using words that the people you’re talking to don’t understand then you really can’t have meaningful conversation. If that’s happening a little bit I think it’s on them to ask clarifying questions but if it’s happening a lot then I do think it’s on you to modify your conversation.
This isn’t about being smart or dumb, or changing who you are —it’s about some fundamental aspects of interpersonal communication that you might be missing.
NTA. Girl, been there, my college roommate complained to our RA and we had to have mediation because I was making her feel stupid. I just love books. It wasn’t intentional. Language can be so much fun, words are texture and colour it’s easy to lose track of where they fit in after you absorb them.
You’re outgrowing your friends and just need to find people that appreciate you and your words. Your M29 friend is correct: don’t dull yourself.
How can you possibly “… not use words that make them feel stupid.”? Are you a mindreader? Unless you are, that’s literally an impossible ask and one that is completely unreasonable, mindreading prerequisite aside. Speak how you think. It’s fine. Flex that vocab.
I have a larger than average vocabulary because I read so much and have my entire life. I’ve often been told that I use big words. No one has ever told me to stop it. I’ve been asked to define a word. I’ve also been teased. One coworker told me that I actually used a word from her learning a new word, a calendar and normal conversation and she was amused.
All of this just to say, don’t let these people make you dumb yourself down. Be yourself and find some new friends.
NTA. It is profoundly unreasonable for your peers to demand that you alter your manner of expression. Such requests often reflect their own insecurities rather than any genuine concern. You should never feel compelled to diminish yourself or compromise your authenticity merely to accommodate the discomfort of others.
Get some new friends
NTA. Have you considered that your friends are idiots? Like maybe they’re really, really dull and incapable of learning. Just because you got along with someone when you were both in diapers doesn’t mean you have to keep in touch forever. You’ve outgrown them and should move on to people who add on your level.
Can you give an example of something you’ve said?
NTA
I kinda have this problem too, where I naturally tend to use deeper vocabulary words in a casual context and it makes me come off as pretentious. I have learned to be a bit more conscious of it and tone it down in certain situations.
But not around my friends. My friends know me, they know I’m not trying to belittle them or show off, and they actually like it when I use a more obscure word to express something specific. I only try to simplify my vocabulary when I am around other people I don’t know, and I do it for myself – so that I don’t feel nervous about making a bad impression. You shouldn’t have to do that around people you are already comfortable with.
Oh I got some words they might understand.
F#$& off idiots
NTA
OP, My suggestion is anytime One of your friends your friends says a word that is three to four syllables long
Like – atmosphere
Count it out with your fingers as you say the word. And say something like ‘ at- mo- sphere, That’s three syllables. Now who’s being the wordy person’
NTA – your friends feel stupid because they are stupid; from an intelligence standpoint and from an emotional one.
Absolutely NTA – sorry hon. Your people are out there, and they will LOVE the big words you use, and if they don’t know one, they will excitedly ask you what that means. These don’t seem like your people.
You’re NTA, but I think it’s good to ask yourself a few questions:
Do you want to continue being friends with these people? Aside from this, do you enjoy being around them?
Are you more interested in effective communication, or using words you find fun and natural? Having a word that exactly describes the specific nuance of an idea can feel really good, but it doesn’t help you communicate that nuance if the people you’re speaking to don’t understand what you’re talking about. Do you speak to be understood?
Would you feel more fulfilled in your relationships if you sought out more like-minded people? People who are as enthusiastic about language as you are?
I’m not really sure anyone is in the wrong or an asshole here.
I will say I have a husband who loves to share information; he genuinely does it because he wants to share knowledge, but as he does it all the time (even on topics I know more than him about) I sometimes feel rubbed the wrong way and can’t let it go even though he has good intentions. My feelings here are valid and it’s also valid for him to feel hurt by my feelings. He normally does tone down the sharing a bit when I bring it up because he recognizes his actions can have unintended consequences with regards to my feelings.
Sometimes I use words that are more northern (my family is from the north while he and I both grew up in the south) and he finds it weird sometimes because they sound weird to his ear and even though he knows I don’t mean it to come off weird he says it sometimes sounds like I’m trying to appear I’m from somewhere else when I’m not. I take note of that and some of the phrases I’ve dropped from my vocabulary while others I’ve kept because I have a client facing role where my speech pattern is important. He’s not saying it to diminish me but because he’s giving me an honest opinion of how it comes off since he knows I’m not intended to come off as superior.
I think your friends are probably experiencing some of the same thing. They are entitled to that feeling and their feelings are valid. It may be that socially it is a little off putting, so it’s possible they were genuinely trying to help; although their phrasing wasn’t great.
That being said you are entitled to feel hurt by this and that is very valid as well. They obviously don’t want you to stop talking because they’ve noticed you’ve pulled back.
I would say take the comment and reflect on it. Decide if you’re okay with people having that perception even if it’s not your intention. Then decide if you feel it could be a valid criticism and might be worth self reflection on if you make others uncomfortable and if you care about that being the case or not. Obviously not everyone shares the view of two of your friends because your third friend didn’t. If you like how you speak and feel others should value that then maybe the friendship isn’t a good place for you, but them know that as opposed to silently pulling away. If you feel they may have a point then talk to them more to understand their perspective and say “hey I’d like to work on this but am feeling self confident. Can you explain more or can we talk about this more in a constructive way?”
We all carry weight with what we say and how we express ourselves; we all have a responsibility to recognize that who and how we are may not be for everyone and that is okay. Everyone is allowed to change and relationships are allowed to run their course, however long that is. Have faith in yourself either way.
Info
Like others have express, I’m super intrigued as to what these big words are that you are using. It seems like you are able to avoid big words in your writing unless your friends count things like perplexed and dismissed as big words.
ESH, but I get that you might not realize why.
The point of communication is to be understood. If you are using diction that far exceeds the ability of the people you’re talking to, you are communicating poorly even if you have a much bigger communication toolbox than the people around you.
They suck because they don’t seem to have enough faith in their friends to realize that you’re not trying to make them feel stupid. You’re just using your full lexicon.
But I mean, the point still remains, if you’re talking about things that your friends can’t understand, and if you’re using vocabulary that your friends can’t understand, what is the point of your communication in the first place? Like why are you trying to have a conversation that only you can participate in?
Does that make sense? I hope so. I’m not trying to chastise you. I’m just trying to get you to think deeper about what your friends might be experiencing.
What kinds of words are we talking about here?
There is a huge difference between normal but elevated language, and being unable to read the room
Bruh we have dictionaries in our pocket 24/7. It sounds like someone is feeling a little insecure and is taking it out on you. NTA
Fellow word nerd and avid reader. NTA. Reading a lot naturally results in large vocabularies. If they’re telling you to dumb yourself down, that’s on them. You’ve said it’s not intentional, you don’t react cruelly or maliciously when they don’t comprehend your word choices. Listen to friend #3 and keep being true to you. If they can’t accept you for you, then they’re not your true friends.
Word person here.
When conversing with friends/family (after many times being mocked for “using big words”) I’ll use the definition within the sentence, and then add “the word” (example “xyz is so full of himself, he thinks hes so great, you know, an egotist”) If I get pushback, I innocently say that I always like learning new words, don’t you? If your “friends” still are sissy, they are not your friends. Nta
NTA. Do not dumb down. Maybe those 2 friends need to learn a few words.
I have a law degree, was a voracious reader. I have a big vocabulary that is useful in understanding things, but terrible for communicating.
I really had to work hard to simplify my language when I worked with a French company with people who only spoke English as a second language. If I didn’t I would not be understood.
Soft NTA – but if your friends have told you that you are alienating people and not communicating clearly with the words you are choosing, you might want to start paying attention to how you speak.
You’re making them feel stupid. Do you want your friends to feel stupid? If not work on your speech. If you don’t care if they feel stupid then you are not really their friend and should probably find some new friends who meet your vocabulary criteria. But if that’s the case then I would say YTA for thinking your friends are beneath you.
I’ve had comments made to me too about this very subject. But what others may consider a big word is a very common word to me. I have always read a lot since I was a child. I did not major in anything remotely related to this. I just naturally have a large vocabulary.
I have a PhD, my fiancée did not finish high school but has some college. She has this anti-posh thing, and will jump on me for any post 8 year old (to me) vocabulary even words she knows. Tiresome.
If you are the smartest/most eloquent/other superlative person in the room and they make you feel bad about it, you’re in the wrong room.
Period.
NTA – I am sorry for you. Your friends are immature. Instead of saying, “Wow, I can learn a new word”, they say “You make me feel dumb”. Sorry, but if you feel dumb that is not the problem of the person speaking, that is your own problem.
When I talk, I do try and avoid things like business/technical slang such as “downsizing” or other BS terms that are not intelligent, but are meant to make you sound intelligent. Having said that, if you have an appropriate word that is more correct than another simpler word, use it.
NTA! I have a relatively big vocabulary and I love how you said yours comes out especially when you are excited and being passionate about something – same! But also with a lot of cuss words. I sound like a nerdy sailor when I really get going. I cannot tell you how much I would LOVE having a friend who I could causally learn new vocabulary from. They should appreciate you for it, not shame you. I never hesitate to ask someone, “Wait what is that word?” Or, “What does that mean?” Not only do you learn new words, but I’ve had some great conversations about the nuances in how words are used, sometimes only to learn that I’ve been misusing something! English has one of the largest word counts in modern language so it shouldn’t be surprising or insulting to have someone use words you don’t know, it should be seen as an exciting opportunity to learn something new. Next time tell them to JFGI.
NTa
“And how am I supposed to know which words you don’t want me to say?”
NTA. My son is the same way. Never dumb yourself down for anyone.
You’re definitely NTA. They could simply learn the words or even just ASK you what something you said means if they don’t understand it. Minimizing a “friend” because they feel threatened by their vocabulary is an AH thing to do.
The point of conversation is to communicate- so you should be modifying your language to best communicate with your audience.
Why not just get friends who are on your level then? I get having a dumb friend because we are fun, but, why wouldn’t you seek out other “nerds”?
NTA. I tend to talk like that too (bookworm since I could read haha). My friends make jokes about me being a walking dictionary but not in a snide or sarcastic way. Don’t dumb yourself down for another’s insecurities!
Obviously you’re NTA for having a big vocabulary. Hot take – I will say I’m wondering if there’s a little bit of self awareness lacking of possibly coming across as condescending? I could be TOTALLY wrong or off base, but it seems like an extreme reaction to you JUST having an extensive vocabulary. I have a dear friend that I just had to pull aside and have a discussion with about something similar. She is a young professional in a corporate job for a service that impacts a lot of people. When she talks about it with others she unintentionally comes across as talking down to other people or being a bit of a know it all, and others started to pick up on it as well as myself. She did not realize she was coming across as a little bit condescending and was mortified but thankful someone brought it to her attention. At any rate, even if that were true this would not be the correct way to address it with you and they are objectively not being kind. If I’m completely off here (due to not being able to understand the nuances in tone of the conversation via the internet) please don’t let people who are insecure about their intelligence stifle your light.
Maybe if they didn’t act stupid they wouldnt feel so stupid. They are more interested in controlling you than being your friend, which is not a friend
NTA. I also ❤️ words and appreciate a massive lexicon! I often use an esoteric words when they’re more precise conveying a particular nuance. If they don’t want to learn a new word, that’s on them for being uncurious hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobes
NTA sounds like you have stupid friends.
Not stupid because they may not know a word, but stupid because hearing a word they don’t know triggers them instead of wanting to know what the word means.
I can’t imagine being upset because a friend used a big word, we all have dictionaries in our pocket called smart phones. They could literally look up the definition of whatever word and be smarter for learning a new word. Instead they want you to speak to them in a way their little brains can comprehend.
I’m curious what kind of words triggered them though lol.
NTA- but you are responsible for the friends you choose. Maybe your taste doesn’t match your vocabulary.
I have had similar comments all my life. It used to make me self conscious but somewhere along the way I realized it’s not my fault if others have a limited vocabulary. Never dummy yourself down. You are smart and articulate – wear it proudly. ❤️
Maybe they should just embrace the chance to learn and quit being so curmudgeonly.
NTA. Embrace being you and being smarter than the average bear.
No you aren’t an asshole, you just need more intelligent friends.
INFO. This is impossible to evaluate without knowing what you said. The purpose of language and vocabulary is communication. If your friends don’t understand what you’re saying, you’re failing to communicate. Why would you not tell what you actually said?
NTA. If they were truly your friends, they would love you for who you are.
NTA.
Real friends don’t force you to conform. They accept you as you are. 🩷
NTA. Learning some big words isn’t gonna kill them. I’d get smarter friends tbh.
INFO: Can you give us a couple of examples of the types of words you use that your friends have complained about?
Sounds like you just need a group of friends on a similar educational background as you that won’t be put off by the way you express yourself, but I’m also curious as to what you’re saying that encompasses a “big word”
absolutely NTA, I love talking to people like you and learning from them. Your friends feel dumb because they are insecure.
YTA.
The entire point of talking is so that the person you are talking to understands what you are trying to communicate.
If you were bilingual, eg Spanish and English, and you were talking to someone who only spoke Spanish, you would have to speak Spanish for the conversation to happen.
Why i think you are the asshole, is not because you know or use big words, but that you know they can’t fully follow or understand, yet you continue with no attempt to accommodate.
Tell them to not use words that make you feel smart haha.
But seriously, it depends, if there is a part of you that is doing it pretentiously, then you could tone it down without stopping completely. However if your completely genuine with how you speak, they try to find other friends that do appreciate your vocabulary/read more. You don’t have to cut these friends off, just expand your social circles to include people who also appreciate the beauty of words. All the best!
NTA. I agree with the friend who said don’t minimize yourself for anyone. If they can’t handle the way you talk then maybe they’re people you just aren’t meant to be friends with, and that’s ok.
Being a word nerd is fine. Having exactly the right words to communicate your thoughts is one of the great joys of life. And it’s important to remember the goal of communicating is to convey information, not to show off your vocabulary. To that point, you need to tailor the vocabulary you’re using to the audience.
The downside to this sub is we only get one side of the story, and almost always in the form a massive summarization. I can’t say for certain, but being someone with a good vocabulary myself and being aware of how I used it in the past, I’m willing to bet that YTA.
NTA. Their insecurity is not your fault nor your flaw. You like big/diverse words. That’s that and all it should be.
NTA, I think your friends are ridiculous. I have an extensive vocabulary, and when speaking, the words that convey the meaning I want to express come to mind because they are the correct word usage for me. I couldn’t dumb down on command.
YTA
Speak in a way that your audience will understand. With a large vocabulary, you can find plenty of ways to express your ideas. Sometimes the most concise phrasing isn’t the most easily understood.
How do you know what words they will understand? They’re you’re friends. You’d know better than we would. But if you read a fair amount, this should be simple: words you read often are common. Words that feel like a little treat when you happen upon them are probably uncommon, and less likely to be understood.
You don’t have to dumb yourself down. Your ideas don’t have to change. Exercise your creative muscles and phrase things differently. It can be fun.
Your friends expressed that the way you talk makes them feel stupid. Personally, I would feel awful for that.
NTA – i love words, language, and the history behind them… screw anyone who makes you feel bad for that… ass hats.
you need better friends
NTA, if they don’t want to feel stupid maybe they should try reading more to obtain a better vocabulary. Never try to dumb yourself down to appease others especially when it’s coming from a place of insecurity like it is with them. Sounds to me like you need a better class of friends, ones that won’t try to make you feel bad about yourself for being smart.
Info: Can you give us some examples? “Big words” aren’t appropriate for all situations and you may be coming off as a try hard. Do you have to minimize yourself for others? No of course not but do you want to fit in and have friends? Well, you might want to consider how you appear to others 🙂
NAH. They were voicing their feelings, and you were being genuine. If they don’t understand something you say they can always ask for clarification, just don’t talk down to them or assume they don’t understand something.
Did you use any of those words in your post? If so NTA if not MTA
Sounds like a skill issue…theirs.
Hmm I’m kind of stuck here. I work in the sciences, and one of the first things you’re taught is to avoid jargon, especially when talking to a lay audience. This also applies to casual conversations with friends and family; I wouldn’t talk to them the same way I would a colleague, and I’d consider myself an AH if I did. But of course, scientific terms are different from just having a strong vocab. I would say NAH unless it’s to the point where the conversation becomes unintelligible to the average person. There’s also the nuance of if a person speaks English as a second language, in which case I would consider it rude to use too advanced of a vocabulary or lots of expressions.
Tldr: You shouldn’t have to change how you’re speaking, but you should also consider if the use of advanced vocabulary is actually harming the conversation and understanding of one another.
I’m also a word nerd, and my friends just repeated the word they didn’t know, and I’d give them a few synonyms. “Abscond?” “Escape or flee.” Nods all around, continue on. NTA
NTA.
It isn’t your job to be obsequious.
I would ask them if they get offended when a doctor mentions a condition they can’t pronounce or don’t recognize, and that precise language isn’t meant to belittle, but to be exactly that: precise.
I’d point out that words carry incredible nuance, and that often, the only way you can speak to that nuance is by using a specific word. And that very often, the same nuance cannot be implied with similar easier words strung together and this is why you pick the words you do.
It might also be beneficial to let them know that in those cases when they ask what a word means, it brings you a lot of joy to share that information. Not as a way to teach or elevate yourself, but because you genuinely love language much like someone else might love plants.
Welp, Girlfriend, you’re male 29 friend is on the side of the angels. Two things are true: You are never responsible for how others feel. That is their responsibility. And two: what people remember about you is how you made them feel. (And there’s nothing wrong with a little code switching now and then if it greases the social machinery.)
Nah. Just don’t be like some people who pause after they say a word and ask if you understood it because they didn’t get the praise or reaction they wanted
NTA ( probably)
Your friends sound insecure. Rather than exploring new words, or asking you the meaning of the words you are using, they are trying to shame you and bring you down. This is not a healthy dynamic. Looking for healthier friendships might be required.
On the other hand, ” You really know something when you can explain it to a six-year-old.”
This is my favorite definition of what it means to deeply know and understand something. If, when questioned, you can explain your self so clearly a 6 year old would understand you, then you are fine. Otherwise there could be some work needed on your end of this relationship.
INFO: what words are they bringing up as an example?
I feel this! In high school I had some friends say this to me and different friends in college. (In the 80’s.)
I never gave a thought to my word choices there was never an agenda. They were simply part of my vocabulary. I’m 55 now and I still don’t. But it bothered me and made me question myself, especially the second time.
NTA
You need to be with people who accept you as you are.
Are the words you are using “perplexed” or “columny, abnegation, or impecunious” because those aren’t all in the same category.
NTA buy all your friends dictionaries to use when you’re with them so they can expand their vocabulary. Tell them you’ll even help them spell the words so they can look it up. 🙂 Honestly, your friends feeling insecure is their problem, not yours.
They can also carry around a dictionary when they’re around you. Matter of fact Google links directly to multiple different versions. They’re not your friends and they sound insecure.
NTA.
It’s safe to say superfluous rather than superfluous, because it annoys people who have a vocabulary of 600 words. Is it really your fault if your interlocutors subscribed to Mickey’s newspaper? Go on. (Signed by a pain in the ass who loves, in the same sentence, to use the subjunctive and a very big ‘swear word’.)
Your friends are not your friends.
Your other friend was right. It’s not on you to minimize yourself nor guess what words your friends do or do not know. NTA
NTA
If they don’t know what a word you use means… are they that incapable of either using context clues or going “what does X mean?”?
They sound petty, insecure, and weird. Keep hanging out with the guy who actually supports you and cut out the anti-intellectual weirdos
NTA. it probably does make them feel a little stupid, but that’s neither your fault nor your problem to deal with, it’s theirs. i just can’t imagine why else they’d be so rude about your vocabulary
NTA, since you don’t always owe it to them to dumb things down!! im saying this assuming you’re genuinely enthusiastic about reading and learning, in which case, its their loss.
however, i can also argue that maybe, it might be coming off as condescending to others when someone constantly speaks in a way they don’t understand. do they ever ask what you mean when you say certain words? do you bother to respond, and if so, how do you respond? what are some words/phrases they have had issues with. do they ask you to not speak at all about these things, or have they asked you to mind the language you use? i think all of these matter when trying to understand the situation.
i think there’s a lot about the dynamics in your friendship that we are not privy to, so it becomes hard to pass a ‘fair’ judgement as just people on the internet.
NTA
as someone who isn’t well versed in big words, I have never felt offended by my lack of knowledge. in fact, when my husband is speaking with his engineer buddies I sit and listen like a kid at their first time visiting a planetarium. it’s an opportunity for me to learn, not to shut others down.
girl, go get you knew friends, these ones suck
Is this post an example of how you talk to them? Because it reads very well and if this is an example of how it makes them feel dumb, maybe you do have dumb friends. 🤷
Well it appears that this is their issue as it is what it is.
Maybe you can adjust? Or would they let you know that you still are doing it right for them?
Or just get some smart friends?
NTA, they are projecting their insecurities about their own education/intelligence.
How are you supposed to know which words they know or don’t know and which ones make them uncomfortable??
NTA It clearly hasn’t occurred to them they can ask what a word means and expand their vocabulary, instead of asking you to minimise yours.
NTA.
I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but these are not real friends. I grew up being made fun of and had many attempted belittlements by adults because I could read before I could speak and my vocabulary did not match my age range. This bled into my peers for my entire life. As I got older, I realize that people who could not accept the way, I spoke, could not accept me. I stopped dumbing myself down, and when people had complaints, I told them simply that they did not have to speak to me then if it bothered them so much. I now have a group of friends who never complains about the way that I talk and sometimes will ask me what things mean. I even have a couple friends who are trying to, in their words, “better themselves” by playing words with friends with me. They don’t take my vocabulary as a personal slight.
NTA, Use that big ol vocabulary.
NTA. If they don’t like how you talk, don’t talk to them. Find people who will listen and not judge.
I have a friend who is constantly asking me what certain words mean when we are talking. She loves it. She says she loves listening to me speak, and she is always learning new words. Sometimes, when she is texting, she will ask me for a “Leanne” word to put in it, lol.
Edit to say NTA
You just need to hang out with more erudite people. Join a book club. Meet some people who went to graduate school. You are excellent the way you are and real friends wouldn’t make you feel less than for your natural intelligence.
NTA, get new friends. Mid twenties is way too old for them to be acting like this. The normal response when someone uses a word you don’t know is to ask them what it means or look it up.
That said, if I notice someone is repeatedly confused by words I use and doesn’t seem actively interested in learning new words, I do adjust my vocabulary a bit. That’s a courtesy.
But they are being weird about this. They could have asked politely that you try for simpler language so they don’t have to interrupt conversation to clarify. Instead they acted like it’s a grave offense to have and use a broad vocabulary. Lose ’em. They’re not your people.
YTA if you’re “refusing” to “dumb down” your vocabulary. You’re making a choice. Have fun being friendless.
You need smarter friends.
It’s like the school bully that would pick on the smart kid for knowing answers, mostly because they feel dumb. And instead of learning more, they just try and drag the smart kid down.
Nta I love learning new words or hearing words I rarely hear. That’s what they were invented for. Your friends are stupid and don’t want to change anything about it
NAH, but your friends should take the (tv) Temperance Brennan’s favorite phrase and use it: “I don’t know what that means.” It’s okay to ask! They could learn something new!
Info: you need to give examples of what you say. There is literally nothing to work with.
Good friends want your candle to shine the brightest and do everything to encourage that. Others want to dim your’s thinking it makes them shine better. Your “friends” are dimmers. Your other friend you talked to about this is a good one. It’s important to be reflective and want to grow and improve. This is not one of those times. You aren’t being malicious or belittling. It is a THEM issue. I’m sorry they made you feel bad about yourself.
Mainly you’re in the wrong company. But a teensy bit YTA and I think you know it. If we’re going to communicate well, we need to use a common vocabulary.
Come hang with us. We “word nerds” love witty conversations, accurate and informative speech, and word games.
Your friends do not want to improve themselves, push themselves to learn and want to bring you down.
Wordle in two words, anyone?
NTA, as a guy I have some people that like to take in new ideas and concepts but some people (like my kids mom) said she felt like I talked down to her all the time. Pretty much no one is interested in learning thing these days. Supposed we’ve always had a share of it but no one is bored thanks to smart phones so they would rather be entertained than informed
Tell them to step their word game up. I used to have the same issue. Even at 42, my partner occasional questions my word usage. ANY WORD is available for definition on those ubiquitous smartphones, so why are they making their ignorance and lack of initiative YOUR PROBLEM?
Wait wait how ‘bout people who pretend to know every word you’re saying and you only find out they didn’t because they answer a question with something contextually irrelevant OR they chime in with contextually ignorant banter? That shit is so awkward like just SAY you don’t know the word. I’m always asking “Do you understand what I mean?” While slightly squinting so that they have the opportunity to say no and ask for clarity. Very few people say no.
Generally speaking, America is a place where what looks good superficially is prioritized and made into points of reference…which leads to a lack of self-awareness, very little incentive to engage in challenging discourse, which are the ingredients for like…clandestine (pinky out) insecurity, on a massive scale. Insecure people lean into defining situations, behaviors and tendencies as offensive and socially / morally bankrupt as a means of skirting their own inadequacy / cies. The Shit is compounded because misery loves company and insecure people are the majority, so they are so, so easily able to rally others to their cause and single you out as problematic. It’s so fucked up.
My personality has definitely been an inhibitor to a fulfilling social life, because I don’t do social niceties or stop myself from bringing up or pointing out uncomfortable truths. People need it, they’re way too comfortable wrapped up in their flags.
I also feel like some of it has to be a refusal to engage in what’s known formally as “Actively Learning Something From a Peer” (ALSFAP), the “Being Seen In Public While” (BSIP)variant. I feel like it’s culturally accepted and comfortable for people to go about life not having their knowledgebase challenged in social / recreational setting—let alone by one of their ahem contemporaries…it’s a stupid ageism thing too like “uhhh you’re not old enough to teach me anything” but then there’s the culture of often putting professors and teachers in a box labeled “annoying old dweeb”
I think, again it’s a very American thing to have like an unspoken contract with each other that “we know everything that we need to know about everything”, I think it allows for very American ideas to take root lol
It irks me soooooo much
This is tricky cause there are a lot of people out there who use big words as a way of making themselves feel smarter or better than people and to put people down. Without examples of the words you are using in your vocabulary it’s tough to say. You don’t need to diminish yourself for anybody but friendships have give and take. Their feelings matter too and if they feel like you are doing it maybe to make them feel dumb then regardless of your intention that’s how they feel. Based off of the way you wrote here and the fact that it’s not your intent to be rude I’m going to be leaning to it not being your fault. You’re in the position of having to decide whether these are people you want to be friends with. You’ll need to either dumb down your vocabulary or find a way to make sure that they understand you have no bad intentions behind using those larger words. Their feelings are not invalid even if they are coming from a place of misunderstanding.
NTA. My late partner had an expansive vocabulary. Even when he used a word I didn’t understand, I loved listening to him talk. If I couldn’t get the meaning from context clues, I would just ask him what a word meant. I learned several interesting words in our years together. But I noticed that he was gradually “dumbing down” his vocabulary. When I asked him why, he told me it was because of looks he would get from other people when he used his normal vocabulary. It made me so sad to hear this, and I tried to encourage him to be himself.
If your friends don’t want to accept you for who you are, find new friends.
I’m leaning NTA. But at a very basic level, talking is about communicating meaning. Does not work if they don’t understand you.
I’ve dealt with this my whole life. Being from a very small insular farming town, I’ve dealt with a lot of my neighbors and peers assuming I’m being pretentious, not just for big words, I’ve literally been called out for wearing khaki pants on a date.
True friends celebrate your quirks, they don’t make fun of them and they don’t take offense at them.
I once worked with someone, we spent most of the day in a truck together, and he would play a game when I was talking that I didn’t understand for a long time. As I was speaking, at random moments he would say a length of time, like 1 week, or 2 years, or never. I finally had to ask him what he was doing, he said anytime I used a word that he wasn’t familiar with, he thought to himself how long he could expect to go without hearing that word again and said that length of time out loud. It was a lot of fun for both of us, and I had some sort of gauge on how unusual the words I used were, and eventually a few other people caught on, and there would occasionally be debates between my friends on how uncommon the words I used were.
But not once did any of my true friends ever try to make me feel bad for using “big words”.
“We don’t know proper English vocabulary. Please refrain from using grown-up words with us”
NTA
Not for nothing but if they were good friends who didn’t want to look or feel stupid they could just look up the words and maybe expand their own vocabulary! NTA like I get it could be hard when someone doesn’t understand you but like learn a new word. We all have dictionaries in our pockets
You may need to incorporate more friends into your life: friends who encourage you to be your best.