TLDR: I refused cake and other things I couldn’t eat at a barbecue and it threw off the mood…
For starters I 20M have a lot of family members with type 2 diabetes and that could never be me. I think growing up it made me really angry they’d complain -including my father who lost a foot, and expect sympathy but never do anything to help themselves essentially learned helplessness but I agree living in America it is harder to eat healthy.
About a week ago I went to a barbecue it was just with friends hosted by a new friend “Tom”, I don’t know anyone else that well so they didn’t know about my diet which is fine because I eat before I go anywhere and just enjoy people’s company. Everyone was supposed to bring something to go with the barbecue. I brought a rainbow salad but everyone else brought things like macaroni salad, chips, beer, cookies etc. No one brought fruit like I hoped so I could only have the chicken without the skin, the salad I brought and water.
A girl, “Jenny” made a cake it looked professional so she clearly took a lot of time and I didn’t want to take a slice to be nice just to throw it in the trash so I said no. But for some reason she really wanted me to have a piece like specifically the first slice. Eventually I got angry and I lectured her a little and then everyone gets mad at me for making a big deal and Jenny was doing that thing when you pretend you got something in your eyes.
It took a while for the actual barbecue to be ready and then everyone noticed that I I was barely eating and I said it wasn’t a big deal I just like to stick to my diet and then the had questions and I told them what I couldn’t have etc. Anyone who sticks to a specific diet knows how exhausting it is to constantly explain it and people always have opinions you didn’t ask for about it.
I think Jenny was upset I didn’t have any of her cake and she started pointing out how it didn’t make sense to her etc and then everyone else joined the bandwagon. And then this one girl “Lily” mentioned how I made her self conscious and that I didn’t have to bad mouth what they were all eating and then she got unessarily personal and mentioned she had an eating disorder in the past. After that the mood was just off.
After it was over Tom messaged me saying I had made the event awkward and I shouldn’t have come if I didn’t want to eat what was there…
I felt like it wasn’t that serious even if I couldn’t eat anything it would have been fine I could have just eaten before and If I didn’t I’d survive missing one meal. Was I TA?
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TLDR: I refused cake and other things I couldn’t eat at a barbecue and it threw off the mood…
For starters I 20M have a lot of family members with type 2 diabetes and that could never be me. I think growing up it made me really angry they’d complain -including my father who lost a foot, and expect sympathy but never do anything to help themselves essentially learned helplessness but I agree living in America it is harder to eat healthy.
About a week ago I went to a barbecue it was just with friends hosted by a new friend “Tom”, I don’t know anyone else that well so they didn’t know about my diet which is fine because I eat before I go anywhere and just enjoy people’s company. Everyone was supposed to bring something to go with the barbecue. I brought a rainbow salad but everyone else brought things like macaroni salad, chips, beer, cookies etc. No one brought fruit like I hoped so I could only have the chicken without the skin, the salad I brought and water.
A girl, “Jenny” made a cake it looked professional so she clearly took a lot of time and I didn’t want to take a slice to be nice just to throw it in the trash so I said no. But for some reason she really wanted me to have a piece like specifically the first slice. Eventually I got angry and I lectured her a little and then everyone gets mad at me for making a big deal and Jenny was doing that thing when you pretend you got something in your eyes.
It took a while for the actual barbecue to be ready and then everyone noticed that I I was barely eating and I said it wasn’t a big deal I just like to stick to my diet and then the had questions and I told them what I couldn’t have etc. Anyone who sticks to a specific diet knows how exhausting it is to constantly explain it and people always have opinions you didn’t ask for about it.
I think Jenny was upset I didn’t have any of her cake and she started pointing out how it didn’t make sense to her etc and then everyone else joined the bandwagon. And then this one girl “Lily” mentioned how I made her self conscious and that I didn’t have to bad mouth what they were all eating and then she got unessarily personal and mentioned she had an eating disorder in the past. After that the mood was just off.
After it was over Tom messaged me saying I had made the event awkward and I shouldn’t have come if I didn’t want to eat what was there…
I felt like it wasn’t that serious even if I couldn’t eat anything it would have been fine I could have just eaten before and If I didn’t I’d survive missing one meal. Was I TA?
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> (1) I couldn’t eat the cake someone made or most of the food there (2) it soured the mood for everyone
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA don’t lecture people for offering you a slice of cake
I think cake girl likes you, otherwise is weird she was so into forcing you to have the first slice. But the rest of them are just not your friends. If you are minding your own business, if you eat or not it’s not their problem. You can feign an allergy but I wouldn’t. Just get better friends. You sound cool, you can get better people.
I can’t say either way, cause it depends on how you approached it. If you just said in a friendly way“I’m on a really special diet. I can’t have things like cake, but it looks great.” That’s very different from lecturing people. I also know people get really pushy about making you dry food that they’ve brought.
ESH but only because it’s rude to badger someone to eat something they’ve declined. Also I know this may sound judgemental because it’s hard to bring it up without sounding like that, especially over text on reddit… but you might have an eating disorder yourself. Keeping yourself to an incredibly strict “diet,” to the point you’re unable to eat everyday foods in healthy moderation, is not a healthy or normal relationship to food. Look up orthorexia.
NTA for sticking to your diet, but the way you handled the situation could have been more tactful.
NTA, you are 20 and 1) don’t have to explain your eating habits to anyone and 2) can pick new associates and can leave behind the community that knew you when you were a teen, and think they can still boss you around.
I’m stunned that anyone cared enough to pay attention to what one person was eating (or not), and then remarking on it. NTA
ESH
I understand why you’re on this dietary path, nothing wrong with eating healthy and making good choices. Friends would not push back if someone wanted to eat less/differently during a barbeque, and your choices are your own. You don’t need to justify them.
With that said, you also should not be judging others or lecturing them on their choices. From the tone of your post, you appear to hold some strong opinions about other people’s diets and decisions about food. You need to put that aside and stop projecting your opinions onto others. It was a barbeque, those are rarely gatherings with a large number of healthy food options. Lecturing the girl trying to give you a piece of cake was not okay. It’s very possible she was trying to make you feel included, food is a social thing, and for some people it’s a way of building comradery. What you did was socially problematic, which is probably why others pushed back at you.
Going to add in here that life is long, and there is room in the world for moderation (in general, exceptions to everything, of course.) Never eating anything with fat/sugar/carbs again is possible, but it won’t be enjoyable and it will make your life challenging when eating socially. I don’t know you and cannot judge, but some of what you said made me wonder if you have the beginnings of a disordered eating issue.
I don’t even have to read this to say NTA. It’s YOUR body, YOU get to decide what you put in it.
It really depends did you say “Oh I can’t eat that because I’m on a diet for medical reasons”, or did you say Cake is horrible and will lead to diabetes and other health issues how dare you offer it to me!
No one should berate you for passing up cake BUT one way iof passing it up is different than the other and it depends on how you voiced it
ESH. I think you need a better approach for deflecting offers and questions. You are “exhausted” by talking through specifics of your diet, but you don’t have to do that. And it’s predictable for people to get offended by it because they’re eating things you are calling unhealthy. Diet talk is awful for someone who struggles with an eating disorder (20% of college age women and rising). Next time something simple like “I have specific eating needs for medical reasons. Everything looks delicious though!” And then start a new topic of conversation. If people press for information, just say “I don’t really like to talk about it. I’d rather hear about you. What do you like to do for fun?” (Or other small talk question)
NTA specifically because she kept badgering you about it. She should have respected you declining of the cake in the first place, a couple of times in fact if I’m reading your post correctly. And she still kept pushing. So.
NTA for eating healthy but I’m gonna be honest, it doesn’t really sound like a very healthy relationship with food
NTA, you don’t have to eat anything you don’t want to for any reason. I’m trying to eat better and I also happen to not like cake that much. If my wife or another talented baker were to make it then yeah I’ll have some but if it’s from a box or the grocery store I don’t really like it enough to waste the calories.
You’re not the asshole but a lot of people do have food issues that are triggered by people talking about dieting so in the future I think I’d avoid specifics or say you don’t want to talk about it if you’re around a lot of people. It’s not your responsibility but it’s a considerate thing to do. The person who pressed you for details sucks the most here
NTA for turning down cake, but in the future, I’d just be vague, e.g., “I’m not very hungry, but thanks.”
No one is mad at you because you didn’t eat. No one. But when everyone is on one side of the equation and you’re on the other you need to be asking yourself some questions.
I kind of feel like I want to hear the other side of the story on this one
INFO: Did you find out why she was so adamant about you having the first slice? That’s so strange to me.
NTA you said no.
I hate when people are so pushy about food. Like, isn’t it my body my choice? Why must you push me to the point of rudeness because you won’t accept a polite no? Not everyone wants to have to defend themself over a spoonful of useless starches. It’s really frustrating as a type 2 diabetic trying to maintain my shit with diet. Yes I want to be included, no I don’t want to defend taking proper care of myself to strangers.
People need to respect others choices.
nta you choose what goes in your body
but it *is* easier to just take the cake next time
it is like when people push us to have a beer and we go fine and just order the damn beer and ignore it
its just social graces
– thank you for the offer but I’m full
– wow that looks amazing if I had seen it earlier I would have saved room
– I’m too full can I wrap it in foil for later?
just take the cake and wait for her focus to move on
people won’t usually notice what is left on whos’ plates but they will notice whatever you are saying or going against the grain
this coming from my years or being dragged to football parties
Op is nta. I’d want to know why the cake maker specifically wanted you to not only eat the cake, but the very 1st slice. Like why?
Did Jenny keep on and on after you said “no” the first time? I would have told her sorry I’m unable to eat cake for health reasons.
I mean, you are not the asshole.. but it wasn’t the best thing you could do, just tell her that you can’t without getting mad, she seemed to genuinely care about you taking into account that she wanted you to take the first slice.
As someone with an eating disorder whose had to pretend to eat at way too many functions like this, I feel you and your “friends” are fucking assholes for trying to force food on you and police your plate.
That being said , you didn’t have to say everything that you did to them. Yes they boxed you into a corner but you didn’t have to lecture them. Normalize the fact that “No.” is a complete sentence.
So you suck less than them but you do still suck
I wanna say NTA but it depends on what you lectured cake girl about and how you approached the other offers.
INFO- What kind of diet are you on? I have family members with type 2 diabetes who eat sweets in moderation. There’s both a dietary and hereditary component to it. I’m also guessing your family members aren’t properly treating their diabetes? No one I know has had to lose a foot and it’s because they have been managing it.
EDIT TO ADD- There’s nothing wrong with eating healthy but when a diet is so restrictive you can’t have macaroni salad or cake once in a while, that’s bordering on disordered eating.
INFO: what exactly did you say to Jenny when you “lectured her”?
And what did you say that Lily interpreted as “badmouthing what they were all eating”? Did you simply explain that you choose not to eat certain foods for medical reasons and leave it there, or did you bang on about how their food is unhealthy and how it’ll give them all diabetes?
Your friends are definitely AHs for continuing to try and pressure you to eat something you didn’t want to eat and not taking no for an answer, but I’m trying to gauge whether this is a N T A or an E S H situation and I can’t really do that until I know what exactly you said.
NTA. Geesh, I think you need new friends.
This group is crazy if they’re shaming you for sticking to a meal plan, esp. regarding the diabetes in your family. This is just the weirdest hill for these ‘friends’ to die on. I mean, this as bad as people pressuring others to drink alcohol or try drugs when they don’t want to or even if a person is a reform alcoholic or recovering from addiction. They’re all A.H.s, IMO.
AND for the record, Tom is an GIGANTIC A.H. for msg you after to say you shouldn’t have come. As host, he should have asked the group if anyone had dietary restrictions and then HE should have made sure restrictions were accommodated in some way. That’s what a good host/hostess does.
YTA for going to a food centric event, and then making it about everything you cannot eat. You sound exhausting. Your diet is absolutely your choice, but if it’s that restrictive and causes that much friction (so much so that the host felt the need to say something) maybe only eat at home or known safe spaces. I understand concern over risk for diabetes but once a year barbecue seems like an OK place to have something other than skinless chicken and fruit. Even if you disagree, you made people uncomfortable with your strict choices.
NTA. THEY’RE the ones who made the BBQ awkward because they couldn’t just let someone eat the way they wanted to. I know how you feel. For all they know, you could have allergies/sensitivities, you went to a family party before you went there, you’re getting over food poisoning, maybe you just don’t like mayonnaise or cake, you’re on a low sodium diet. It could have been anything. And what’s up with Jenny?! Why was it so important for YOU to have the first slice of cake? You don’t mention it being your birthday or anything. Does she have a crush on you or something? Anyway, yeah, my in-laws were like this. Every Christmas, my family has tamales for breakfast. After visiting my parents, uncles, etc, my husband and I would go visit my in-laws and they would have a spread, mostly deli meats and salads, rolls, chips, etc. Very nice of them to do, but nothing homemade and once-a-year special, like homemade tamales. We would still be stuffed from breakfast and would make little plates, just to be polite, maybe a few cubes of cheese, veggies, a few chips, a cookie or something and they were just DESTROYED! They ‘couLdn’T undeRstAnD whhhhhhhy we weren’t eaTiNg” 😭😭 And then we would go back to my parents at night and have a prime rib dinner, etc, so we knew we were eating more later. Every year we would explain that we’re full, every year they would whine and wring their hands. 🙄
NTA no means no. People shouldn’t be pressured to do things they don’t want to do. It doesn’t matter what the reason for not wanting any cake it should have been dropped at the first no. Other people don’t get to decide food choices for other people.
If you “lectured” anyone – YTA.
NTA. Why can’t people respect when people say no? Why do people keeping trying to guilt or force people to do something that they don’t want to do? Why get defensive about other people’s eating habits?
I’m wondering if they think you have an eating disorder and it definitely sounds like you might
Just say you have strict dietary restrictions. You don’t need to lecture everyone? YTA
I’m going to say YTA.
Nobody should be forcing you to eat something that you don’t want to eat. Ultimately, you are allowed to exercise bodily autonomy. However, eating isn’t always just about the food itself. It’s a part of social culture everywhere, and the girl who wanted you to try her cake/your friends who wanted to have a shared experience with you (eating the same food) probably just wanted to bond.
Balance is key. Having a sweet treat or a more indulgent meal every now and then won’t give you diabetes or make you unhealthy. Don’t believe any diet BS that tells you so, talk to a health professional about what works for you.
EDs are unfortunately common especially among young girls. Shaming any food that a person is eating, or just excessive negative diet talk is probably harmful. I can see why telling people that what they’re eating at a BBQ isn’t “good” would make the situation awkward.
I’m not a medical professional, but I have studied nutrition and the way you’ve portrayed your relationship with food doesn’t sound healthy or sustainable. If you don’t want to eat in social settings, it’s probably worth asking yourself why and figuring that out. Once again, I would recommend talking to a professional about your diet instead of taking it into your own hands.
As a type 1 diabetic this is a hard one for me to judge, because I think you’re being overly strict about food. You’re referring to it as “you can’t” eat these things, when in reality you are choosing not to. I am going to echo other comments about your potentially unhealthy relationship with food.
You are not going to get T2D because you ate one piece of cake at a barbecue. I have T1D and I would have eaten a small piece. I just would have eaten around the frosting.
That said, it’s never okay to push food on anyone.
I’m going to go with ESH.
Edit to add: your family with T2 did not get it solely because of how they eat. It’s hereditary. So I’m sorry to be this blunt but if that much of your family has it you are highly likely to end up with it whether you eat cake at 20 or not. My grandmother and aunt both had it even though they were both skinny as a rail and ate grass their whole lives.
NTA, but as a person with medical reasons not to eat a wide range of foods… people are sure hung up on what others eat! And it’s annoying and derailing when you start to talk about food.
Next time just say “I am on a specific diet due to a health condition, I wish I could eat that cake, it looks fabulous! Tell me more about how you made it!?!” and change the subject and hand the amazing looking isn’t it wonderful cake … onto someone else. Then disappear from the food area until it’s sorted/everyone’s stopped handing out cake.
NTA x1000. No one should be forcing you to eat or not eat something if you don’t want to. I’m so tired of people equating not needing a piece of cake to having an eating disorder. It’s FINE to not want a piece of fuckin cake.
People are so weird about food. Like, it’s somehow a personal insult if you don’t eat what they eat, like what they like, consume mass quantities in their presence, etc. There are so many traditions wrapped up in feeding people (hosting) or eating what people offer (guesting).
None of this takes into account medical reasons (doctor prescribed diet), allergies and intolerances, personal preferences, past food trauma, eating disorders, etc. that will affect food intake.
I think we need to not comment on what/how much people eat, the same way we don’t comment on someone’s personal appearance, weight loss, pregnancy etc.
ESH
Don’t lecture people who’re being rudely kind. Be firm and clear and tell them they are upsetting you with their pushiness and walk away.
NTA, but I would LOVE to hear the other side here. Because this could flip really easily.
This sounds like disordered eating as well. T2D has a significant genetic component. It’s not as simple as eating too much cake. What you’ve said about what you did eat is worrying.
Forcing or restricting food from someone is an AH move. NTA. I’d say take it and pass it off or leave it on a table but I feel like she’d be watching you.
Major eye roll these people are jealous. Don’t hang out with them anymore. Believe or not there are women out there that try to set you up for anything
ESH she shouldn’t have pressed but enjoying a bbq once in a while won’t hurt your diet
NTA for refusing cake. You shouldn’t have to explain that to anyone. I watched mostly whole foods plant based and have a lot of food intolerances so I get it.
However… depending on how you “lectured” her (that cake is unhealthy vs how she should mind her own business about what people eat) is the deciding factor on if youre the AH or not…
I also get the feeling that maybe she suspected an ED (also, none of her business to bring up at a party in front of people)
ESH maybe Jenny was looking for your particular approval with the cake? insisting to the point of being personally offended sounds like it was about more than the cake.
As for OP, they likely said something about “bad food” or not liking to clog their body with “junk”, implying anyone who chose to consume that “junk” was unhealthy, even if they were only speaking about themselves. This is a self-imposed diet after all. Lily needs to manage herself but she wasn’t wrong about speaking up if OP was unnecessarily descriptive about why they choose not to eat outside of their restrictions.
Tom could have waited a day before saying anything as he was likely feeling upset his first time hosting didn’t go smoothly but what does it really matter if OP doesn’t eat and why are people so fixated on it?
The way you handled it was an ah move. But you’re nta for not wanting to eat cake.
ESH
Please understand that how you are living is not a “diet”, it’s an eating disorder.
So you got invited to a BBQ with a new group of friends who went out of their way to make you feel welcome by insisting you have the first slice of cake, and you managed to needlessly escalate the situation by angrily lecturing someone to the point you made them cry? YTA Jesus Christ
NTA. Sounds like the friends are the AHs. My husband is older and we have young children. He generally eats a very healthy diet because he wants to be around when our kids graduate college, have babies, etc. We have other friends who constantly give him a hard time about it. It’s incredibly annoying.
I do think there is something to “breaking bread” together, part of our culture is sharing meals, etc, and it can certainly feel awkward when someone doesn’t want to participate. That being said, your body and your health are your choice (and your responsibility) and these people need to get over themselves and recognize that you can still be a good friend without eating the same meal as them.
I would just be cautious that your explanation doesn’t come across as insulting or judgmental about what they are eating. I’m honestly not sure if it would be more or less weird (I’m thinking less) if instead of eating in advance, you pack stuff you know you can eat, that way if there aren’t enough options for you among the communal food, you can still eat together.
Personally I treat events like that as a cheat day for my diet. It wont effect you in the long run as long as you stick to your diet during your day to day. That way you wont get in conflict with family and you can enjoy the foods they worked hard on.